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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This why I love this story also poor snails
Snails? Snails! SSSSNNNNAAAAIIIILLLLSSSS! Awesome chapter!
If anypony had to die I would rather it be Snails
goddamit Nero. Slenderman? Really. Really? REALLY?!
I lol'd at the Derpy part
snails...................was a acceptable lost.....nuff said..............im really wana know wat despairs playin at, i got my hunches but not enough to go on.......
Ah well, at least Snails sucked anyway. This can't turnout well for Spike.
264843 Um... im not quite sure what i should think from this comment
Do you approve or disapprove my choice?
Oh my god it's Slendermane. I'll be honest, I've only heard whispers about Slendermane, never actually read any stories about him/her/it. But I enjoy seeing Despair working with such a creature. It makes Demon's seem more complicated and intelligent than the Salamander Trixie summoned. Like the complicated and twisted creatures, who fight from the shadows, which is the impression I think I originally had when I saw the cover art for this story, so long ago.
I also like how you had the Demons collaborate, and I imagine Despair has a particularly malicious plan in mind, you're setting up a chain of events Nero, and I am eager to see what happens. Also is it weird that I want Despair to succeed with her plan? I love Twilight n all, but this plan Despair is putting into action is really fascinating, and I'd be disappointed if I didn't get to see it come to fruition.
266541
Well I got an explanation for the behavior of Salamanders.
As i mentioned, demons are made of everything negative inside a pony.
Salamanders are highly concentraded rage.
They may not be as intelligent as other demons, but make that more than up with enormous power and strength, which keeps increasing more and more when the Salamander gets provoked.
266578 I kinda imagined they were more associated with Rage and Anger, like Rage Demon's in Dragon Age.
Also can you recommend any good stories involving Slendermane, my curiosity has been pricked regarding this elusive creation.
266686
Well the only one i know where Slendermane appears is Silent Ponyville.
266708 damn, it sounds like Slendermane is some generic monster from Silent hill in ponyville. But that doesn't seem to be the case as I looked up Slender Man and got this. Slender Man Knowyourmeme
Also it seems Slender Man inspired Minecraft's Ender Men. Which is all kinds of awesome. And now we have his Pony equivalent, Slender Mane, and you've protrayed him accurately. I'd like to see more of the Slender Mane/Despair partnership, maybe some other Demons if you think they would work well. Also can Demon's be bound into living creatures? As in forced to serve like a Daemonhost in WH40k? Just a curious thought I had.
266836
I know all this.
I informed myself well about the Slenderman myth before i decided to put him in.
I planned to make this just a guest visit in MI, but maybe i can let him reappear at some point.
And, no, demons in MI serve no one but their queen Nightmare Moon.
266843 Sorry If I implied you didn't do your research . I was simply typing out everything I had just discovered, in a moment of excitement.
Also glad to have that whole Demon host idea cleared up, adds a depth of danger to them, knowing you can't turn them against one another. Unlike Ponies XD. Anyways You wrote Slender Mane and Despair really well, I look forward to reading more of this story.
Nero couldn't get the pm to send, had thing typed but no "send" button at all .............plus i was in middle of english class when i tried....suprisingly NOBODY noticed what i was doing on laptop
And slenderman outta fuckin nowhere.
268163
Well, duh. That's exactly Slendermane's thing!
270573
I always appreciate constructive critique and fair comments.
270618 'kay, finished Birth. Have some completely unmoderated stream-of-consciousness notes on it!
> Oh, I do love masked balls as plot points.
> Ehhhh? That quarrel feels very badly out of place. Twi is acting like a complete idiot.
> I swear I'm going to start looking into your Latin, just to make sure.
> Some missing capitalizations and "Futtershy's dress"
> Remember to capitalize Princess, when the princess is name is mentioned, rather than just the title
> “Rarity, if there was a price" --- eeeennope.
> Red hair, red crescent cutie mark, it's like a signal flare screaming DANGER, DANGER
> Huh.
> Is she, or is she not a friend? Make that clear, don't drop "school friend" like that.
> "acknowledged" feels very out of place there.
> I know you were going for creepy, but that made me burst out in laughter.
> If you suspect she's insane, wouldn't it be better to drop a lie and gather reinforcements?
> Obsidian has a damn slow reaction time, no offense.
> What.
> Uuurgh...
> O RLY? SHE WAS INSANE? WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?!
> Really could have mentioned that sooner.
> Capitalizations goddammit.
> ...I can't decide if Twi's smart, or really goddamn stupid.
> Well, that didn't take a whole fucking lot of convincing.
> Oh. Dayum.
Onwards to Prelude!
270639
> “Rarity, if there was a price" --- eeeennope.
What do you suggest I should replace that by?
> "acknowledged" feels very out of place there.
Same for that one.
> Well, that didn't take a whole fucking lot of convincing.
I still plan to explain why Twilight can influence Celestia easily.
270654
Prize, because judging by that sentence, 'price' was a typo.
I'd go with something like 'composed'.
And okay, I'll take you on that, but it comes off as pretty damn strange right there.
270694
As I said I appreciate construtive criticism, but these notes are rather hard to work with when you have no idea about which part of the chapter they are about.
271348 Sorry, I had arrangements for tonight, so I couldn't really give anything detailed, other than a brief stream-of-consciousness version. It should at least give an idea on my general outlook though. Since I'm back home and with no desire to sleep though, I'll get down and sum up my thoughts of 'Birth' and 'Prelude', before heading on to the next ones.
Birth:
Twilight Sparkle grasped the idiot ball so hard, I'm surprised it didn't explode in her face. To me, this really seemed like she'd forgotten completely about the trust she'd been building towards Obsidian and just going full-friendship-retard mode. By now, she should be more than aware that when Shard says something, there's usually a well-thought reasoning behind it. Thus, he basically roping him into this affair felt really forced.
I liked the masked ball idea, but I think you could have done some more with it. I definitely would have kept Moondancer hidden at first and rope Twilight into guessing who she was, though this is a personal preference. She was creepy enough, that's certainly true, but it seemed to me like Twi was acting in a very dumb manner. She'd seen Trixie go batshit before, thus, knowing he's probably around anyway, since he's crazy-prepared like that, she should have made a move to alert him, possibly by stalling Moondancer with a bit of white lie. Not as bad as the one above, but still a bit awkward.
Other than that, the cliffhanger is good, Despair as a villain is an interesting concep and I did like Moondancer's bit as well. You have a persistent issue with capitalizations though. If you refer to the character WITH her title, it should be capitalized. If it's just the title itself in question, or without the name, you can leave it as it is.
Prelude:
The pacing a little borked near the start. Luna basically got to know she's indirectly responsible for a permanent madness-curse and lots of other really-really bad stuff. I'd think that takes some time to cope with. The status quo change concerning reapers is interesting though. What I don't get is why RD jumped on the supposed 'insult'. He clearly said that the symbolism is linked to how MOONDANCER saw Twilight, thus I don't get why that was needed.
The next scene kills me though. I can see no conceivable way why Twilight wouldn't flip her shit over Spike's condition AND his reactions to her. They've been around each other for years, they know each other through and through. The bleeding nose and the bruises he might be able to hide with that excuse, but the black eye and the missing scales?! This is "thick scales, can't feel a thing" Spike we're talking here. If anything, that should have been an enormous bright red light, screaming "SOMETHING IS WRONG, DUMBFLANK!".
I'm not a expert on rhyming, so I'll give you a pass on Zecora. The scene isn't anything extraordinarily special, but it's a nice set-up.
This reaper-dance intrigues me, as does the place they have to go to. You capitalization problems persist and I've seen at least one example of 'Equstria'. I won't look up where exactly, but you can easily find these with a simple search in the document, or the browser itself.
I'm going to chew through one last chapter tonight, with a review like this one.
271815
Okay now that is very helpful.
To be honest: This is my very first fanfiction.
And im not even coming from an english speaking country.
Through Maledictum Insania, my spelling and grammar improved a lot and is still improving.
When I made quite heavy advancements, I even go through the efford to overhaul some chapters.
Still, I apologyze if some parts of the story feel a bit blunt.
I have the whole story, from beginning to end, all in my head... but only the plot important scenes.
I really have problems bridging between them, but I do as good as I can.
As much as I try to make everything as explainable, reasonable and realistic as possible, I guess my writing skills are yet not good enough to avoid every last tiny mistake.
But at least I have an excuse ready.
I stick very closely to the actual cartoon and refer to it a lot.
The ponies in the cartoon also sometimes are pretty damn dull.
So I guess some dullness is acceptable for MI to make it authentic.
271920
Trust me, if anyone, I understand your plight. Not sure if you recall me mentioning this on /fic/, but I'm Hungarian and possess a mother tongue that's about as far away from English as you can get. What I know of English, I gathered up from TV and quite a bit of writing I've done over the past few years. You'll get into it, don't worry. You're just off to a rocky start, like everyone.
And about the dullness....eeeeeeh, try not to rely on that as an excuse. The thing is, you have the show's canon at your disposal, BUT through the course of the story, the characters learn different things and may take a different route, thanks to those. In MI, the mane 6 have seen how powerful and destructive demons can be and by that logic, they wouldn't necessarily try to battle one on their own. When you do tense scenes, especially arguments and such, try not to rely on just the show, but just try to get into the head of the character and see it from their viewpoint. If your viewpoint-character is Rainbow Dash, she probably wouldn't notice finer details, she'd be quicker to anger and much more prone to going physical, if needed. Try to make their decisions make sense through not only the knowledge they possess from the show, but also what they've learned through the plot.
Today was a great day for me; it started out with dense fog and I live near wooded areas so my friend got to visit me, I just found out that the pony version of that same friend is in a fic that I quite enjoy (this one, of course) immediately after reading this fanfic: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-slender-mane.html (how do I make a link to just click rather than copy+paste?), and when I got to where he was introduced I happened to be listening to a rather fitting song at the time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oNkXRfwDDE
You should include a CandleJack demon in the story. Would be totally aweso
264597 lol snails gets no love
Despair AND Slendermane?! Sweet!! That is quite an interesting partnership and perfect for nightmare night. Can't wait to read more!
266686 He also appears in 'Ever Watching.'
snake's turn
272068 look a "chain" icon where the options are above the comment suction hope that helps