Interesting and intriguing. A bit fast paced, but i get the feeling that was sort of intentional.

That cute Sunset Shimmer is what attracted me to this story.

There seem to be some leftover editing notes stuck at the end of this, or something...

Anyway, this was... well, decidedly weird. Less cloppy than expected, all in all. The inside-the-plant scene was rather...freaky, all things considered.

3433067

I removed the notes a few seconds later, I guess you caught the odd window in which it wasn't fixed. xD

As for the clop, there's going to be a lot more in the first episode especially. I wanted to focus more on the story style for the introduction.

3433078
Well, the actual intro itself was sheer brilliance, especially the flashback to Twilight's parents

It baffles me how this got featured but has so few replies, though.

Huh. Well, that was interesting. Rarity vomiting felt rather unnecessary, but aside from that, a most engaging read. I look forward to more.

3433321

Rarity vomiting felt rather unnecessary

Yeah, that was decidedly unneeded.

Princess of sex? Fuck yes.

OK I have to say it is weird but pretty funny at the same time I will keep an eye on this and see what comes of it not a fan of human and pony together but eh it isn't real and the writing is decent so we will see what happens

read another story like this between rainbow and twi and it ended with rainboe asking "so im the princess of sex"

You have certainly acquired my... interest. The scenes are very well worded and written, and I felt something of genuine... passion, is the word. So yes. I look very well to reading more.

As of now, 3.9 Abides Out Of 5.

Abiding like discovering lesbianism: 'I'm confused as to why I find this more hot than actual sex, but I look forward to watching even more of it.'

Sunset Shimmer?! You have my attention, sir/ma'am.

What... the fuck... am I reading?

Achievement Unlocked- Got my attension! XD

Well sir,you have my attention.Do something useful with it.

Was a little worried about Sunset's characterization here, but then it's explained that her brain's been screwed over the friendship cannon, so it makes a little sense if she acts kinda weird.

static.fjcdn.com/pictures/What_0bd70f_2202704.jpg

reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/oh-yes.gif

I find this somewhat weird... But oddly enjoyable. This was a good chapter.

img.pandawhale.com/55302-Thor-another-gif-LNWz.gif

Continue.

yes, yes you are.

you are the princess of sex and blowing ponies up.

hope to see more!

I love it! I've been waiting for a story like this. Any idea how long it will be?

3435809

Right now I'm settled on three seasons, with about eight episodes each. That may change, but as many as 24 stories is a big task.

Warning: overdosing on friendship can cause-
-Clarity
-Emotional turmoil
-Need for others
-And in sever cases, sex cravings... apparently

Well, that was screwy.

I'm in

Interesting fic, I shall be watching this fic

This is one of the few times I've been moved to downvote a story, so I feel you at least deserve a constructive critique to go along with it.

Personally, I found the pacing of this story to be incredibly jarring. It races through a gimmicky opening, into Celestia's poorly contextualized speech, where the perspective lurches about drunkenly, only to stumble into a sloppily done pseudo-sexual encounter. From there, it skips into another poorly framed scene in Ponyville, where the story attempts to lazily cash in on the tired "one disaster a week" joke, while persisting in its stale and uninteresting characterizations.

At that point, I admit I quit. I know not much is expected from clop in general, but tawdry content is no excuse for shoddy construction. You can still have a solid and engaging narrative, even if its focus revolves only around cheap thrills.

In summary: you need to strengthen your ability to establish a scene, improve your transitions from setting to setting, establish enough character to actually justify the smut, and reach for fresher material than hentai flowers and meta jokes.

I've always seen a lot of potential in Sunset's character, and I'm honestly disappointed that this representation is one of the most popular she's had.

It had some, strange, concepts and headcanons. But over all it's quite interesting. It's a nice fic and sure grabbed my attention.

3436748

Fair enough. I probably could have put a lot more effort into writing this pilot, but given I didn't intend to write this seriously, I let the parody side take hold. And comedic clop seems to end up being popular right away, whereas a more grounded, realistic story requires time to build up a good following.

You're completely entitled to your opinion, and I'm quite pleased that you shared it. All I'll say is that the chapter from here are going to be less chaotic by nature.

3437126

Thank you! Receiving a clear and collected reply is really a pleasant surprise. It's nice to see critique taken in the spirit in which it is given, especially when I admit I may have indulged in slightly scathing language.

On a humorous side-note, I know exactly what you mean about comedic stories over well crafted ones. My first and worst story is to this day my most popular, by a tenfold margin.

People may complain about the random number gods, but I find the gods of popular opinion to be far crueler.

3437198

I work in OEE as a pre-reader, so I'm used to taking and giving criticism, mostly regardless of delivery.

In fact, I was hoping someone would criticize the pilot, because I rely on such feedback to plan the larger story as a whole. And now I know what I should pay special attention to, though pacing is a given for me.

3437225

Glad I could help!

Honestly, I wish I had the courage to write a clop story. Too worried my serious work will never be taken seriously afterward.

3437225
I this story but I couldn't get through this god damn chapter without going "wtf" ten times. Good job, dude. Not many stories can do that . . . Thumb up!

Her lips pressed down, embracing Sunset’s mouth. Her lips were smaller than those of a pony, but more delicate. Twilight held the contact for several seconds, hoping to see Sunset’s eyes flick open. Nothing. Twilight took a breath when she leaned back up. “Fine, time to step things up.” She leaned in again, this time with more sexual aggression. Her tongue forced it’s way through Sunset’s lips after several moments of passionate kissing. Not even a flickering eye. Twilight slid her tongue down further, threatening to block off Sunset’s throat with intense probing.The length of pony tongues was the one thing that made it possible.

Okay... So we're talking about possibly the world's most powerful unicorn-turned-alicorn, and the only way she can think to wake up Sunset is to make out with her?

3438927 The question not to ask is why, the question you SHOULD BE SAYING IS "WHY THE FUCK NOT?!"

3439116
It doesn't make any sense... It's out of character and there is no reason for it to happen.

3439120 Lesbians, people say it with me;
LEZ! BEE! INS!

3439122
So being Lesbian makes you make out with someone in public for the sole reason of trying to wake them up when a magical "zap" would do the same thing and actually be more reliable?

3439134 When you put it like that it sound more like molestation than anything else...

3439145
Which is exactly what Twilight is doing in that scene...

3439156 But-- I--
[SCREAMING INTERNALLY]

3439160

“What am I the Princess of? Sex?”

No silly bitch, the PRINCESS OF HUMANS!

...What in the actual fuck. Ow. Ow. Ow I have a major headache right now. Trying to read this and...actually make SENSE of it is...well, painful. Ow the pain, I have made a terrible mistake. But seriously, I found myself less and less amused and more and more frustrated with my inability to actually understand what was happening as I read onwards. The pacing was light speed and the perspective shifted so many times it made my head spin. And of course, the actual content is very much 'what the fuck' worthy. I have no idea what this is and I doubt you do, either.

The intro was pretty funny though, I liked that second voice. So...is it bad that I kept hoping that second voice would return and take me to a place that made more sense because a bunch of really, REALLY weird shit kept happening? I don't know...

Um...how to proceed. I guess I'll keep an eye on this? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't...curious as to how this will continue. But please, do us all a favor and make the future installments less...painful. Or maybe that's just my fault for trying to keep track of what was actually happening, because that's just how I do. This DOES have a Random tag, after all...

3436748 ...Pretty much.

So Sunset Shimmer is basically an angel now? Huh, maybe she'll go One-Winged Angel
fc05.deviantart.net/images/i/2003/1/7/0/Sephiroth_one_winged_angel.jpg
I would lol at the reaction of the Mane 6 if that happens

3438927

It was going to be hot... It was like, Twilight is frenching Human-Shimmer.

Moment ruined by the entire town, staring...

I've seen the alicorns, and the clopping. Who's knocked up?

I like the Princess of Sex idea at the end... wonder how that would go over with the public?

Really fast paced and jumpy, but interesting. I'll keep an eye on it.

I am very confused, I would like to see more.

more more mor more more more more moreee

Need More. Fast.

How utterly facinating, Sunset is now a human with the highly magical nature of an Alicorn I'm gonna keep an eye on this.