Why won't you love me?

by Diamond Sparkle

Chapter Five-Still with Spoony

After supper Diamond went up to where her SilverPlushie waited for her, a huge smile on her face, as big as it was when her father brought her tiara for her back when she was still a blank flank. SilverPlushie lay on Diamond's bed where she had been left, and Diamond said quietly "You must be tired, you have had a long day." She planted a kiss on the plushie's forehead and then lightly on it's lips in the way she knew Silver always loved to be kissed, and got into bed with it, spooning with it, gripping it firmly with her front legs like she was a little foal again. "You and I will stay together for ever and ever and you will never leave me ever again," she said quietly in it's ear. "Your fur is so soft nowadays. You must have gone to the spa recently. " Her parents came upstairs looking for her and found their daughter gripping a large plushie just like when she was two years old.

"Are you allright, Diamond," Filthy Rich asked.

"Is it allright if Silver Spoon stays the night, Father? I promise she won't be noisy or eat your food whilst you're asleep."

Spoiled Rich glared at her daughter. "That thing is a large plushie, not Silver Spoon. Give it to me."

"No."

Spoiled Rich tried to take the plushie away, but Diamond Tiara hung onto it with all her earth pony strength. Not having claws like the griffins or unicorn magic, Spoiled Rich was at a disadvantage and had to give up. "You can't kick her out, Mother. The weather team have scheduled a rainstorm in Ponyville and she'll be caught in it and get soaked."

"Alright, she can stay for tonight."

Diamond spent the night asleep and almost wrapped around her plushie so that it could not be taken from her without waking her up. She was taking no chances. The next day when she went to school and took her plushie with her, talking to it all the way to school just like she would talk to the real Silver Spoon. When she got there, the former ice queen and bully of the playground was now the playground laughing stock. Ponies formed a circle to point and laugh and then the real Silver Spoon pushed her way through them to see what the fuss was about and stared at Diamond Tiara, her tail flicking from side to side in anger.

"Diamond, what in Celestia's holy name has happened to you? Is this your sick nasty way of getting your revenge on me for dumping you, for making us both the talk of the school?"

Diamond replied "Go away, changeling. I have my precious Silver with me and she will never leave me again, ever." And she kissed the plushie, making the nearby ponies break into fits of laughter as the school bell rang for class. When Diamond tried to take the plushie in, Cherilee thought quickly. If she allowed the plushie in it would disrupt the classroom, but if she sent Diamond home it would disrupt Diamond's education. "You can come in, but Silver Spoon must wait outside my office and I want you to take her there."

"Yes, Miss Cherilee."

Diamond nodded and took her plushie there muttering to herself. "Silver-I feel sure you would not have done either of those things. Perhaps somepony that we teased in the past fitted you up for a laugh to get you into trouble. But if you did do those naughty things, then no wonder you got yourself suspended from school." The rest of the day went as normal. At the end of the day Cherilee said, flicking her tail with annoyance and looking closely at Diamond Tiara "Silver Spoon, the *real one* , the one who spends all her time with you, not the one you think is a changeling, was caught with some hard cider and a knife in her saddlebags and I have decided to confiscate the forbidden items and suspend her from school for the next two weeks. Do not bring her to school during her suspension." And I hope in that time your family will have been able to somehow restore your sanity Cherilee thought. I will have to send them a letter about it.

Diamond Tiara nodded, collected her plushie, and went home muttering angrily to herself. "Silver, I feel sure that you would never have done such a thing as to take such forbidden items to school. Perhaps some pony who we teased in the past planted them in your saddlebags? If you did take them to school, that was a silly thing to do. Miss Cherilee is sweet and kind but she cannot be expected to put up with those sort of things being taken to school. If you were not from such a wealthy family you might have been expelled."

When she got home she found her other friend Alula, a pegasus, waiting for her. "Diamond...I was thinking we could go off to window shop and buy something, and then we could go and talk to Pinkie Pie?"

"I'd love that, as long as Silver Spoon comes with me."

Alula was shocked by the way the normal neat and pretty Diamond Tiara looked. Her mane was drooping and untidy, and it seemed her whole body had gone a deeper shade of purple and her cutie mark had lost it's normal gleam. The look in her eyes seemed somewhat crazy. This was not the Diamond Tiara that Alula had a secret crush on which she had never made public as Diamond had up until recently been happily taken. She hoped that Pinkie Pie could bring her unhappy friend back to her old self as the queen of the playground.

Comments

[ServingSpoon]

the premise is interesting but the execution is very rushed and lacking something. It reads like a news paper article sometimes. Scenes that should be charged with emotion and have allot of potential for drawing the reader's interest in just falls flat. We need more description in Diamond Tiara's facial expressions as well as that of the ponies who have to deal with her irrational behavior.

It would do well to have inner monologue so we could get an idea as to Diamond unstable mental state of mind. Take some time to describe the scene even if we all know what the schoolhouse generally looks like. We do not know what Diamond or Silver's bedroom looks like and you took no real time to describe those scenes to us either.

The paragraph are huge. They need to be broken up into smaller bites of information.

also changing scenes needs work. Case in point.-

The rest of the day went as normal. At the end of the day Cherilee said, flicking her tail with annoyance and looking closely at Diamond Tiara

That's two scenes in one sentence (in one HUGE paragraph). A scene change should be broken up by a line or dashes ------ or just a double space between paragraphs, something to alert the reader that the scene has transitioned to another.

For instance. What is Cheerilee doing? Is she sitting behind her desk with her fore hooves out on top and a blank expression, biting her lip as she wonders what the hell to say to this filly who insists she's holding her best friend in stuffed animal form?

or is she standing, taking a deep breath and just looking down on Diamond with a bemused and frustrate expression before she delivers her announcement that the so called "real Silver Spoon" is to be suspended?

stuff like that is super important to drawing the reader in and having them invest in the character's predicament.

also Alula seems so shocked by Diamond's actions like she was not in class with her when the whole school watched her act like a deranged psychopath.