• Published 13th Oct 2013
  • 6,378 Views, 261 Comments

The Elements of Harmony Do Not Exist in This Story - Queuefka Palazzo



Luna was never banished, Discord is Celestia's court jester, the Elements of Harmony do not exist, and Twilight grows more pompous and more egotistical every day. Celestia is not amused.

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The Royal Opinion of Ponyville

Fifteen Years Later

"Your student, Celestia." Luna growled her frustrations.

Celestia rolled over in her bed. When she attempted to stand she became tangled in her sheets and flopped onto the floor in a mess of legs and fabric. Like a cat, who was caught in an undignified position, she pretended the incident never happened after she extricated herself and assumed a proper pose. "What has she done now?"

"She insulted the minotaur ambassador when he regaled a tale of his youth at the dinner party. She tore apart the details of his story and accused him of being a liar because, according to the "Almighty Inheritor of the Sunset", his story was impossible!" Luna was making quotation marks in the air with her hooves and her face made a mighty, sarcastic derp when she announced Twilight's obnoxious title.

Celestia's posture collapsed in defeat. "What did we have to give him to make reparations?"

"Oh, nothing, he was very amiable about it."

"That doesn't sound like a minotaur ambassador, Luna. What's the catch?"

"Nothing. That's the point. The trade negotiations are off, and it wouldn't have happened if your little student weren't such a brat." Luna spoke with an edge of malice in her voice. "I helped remake her life, Celestia, and I can unmake it, too."

At this point Celestia was a frumpy mass laying on the floor. Her breathing was sharp and exasperated as she thought about her student. Twilight hadn't always been this caustic, but in hindsight the signs of her transformation were unmistakable. The way she started mimicking Blueblood's posture, her pretentious use of words, that little scoff she had started to develop...

"Honestly, Luna, I don't know what to do. Her story has granted her an immense amount of popularity among our subjects, so I can't just remove her from the public eye without causing a scandal... I can't leave her in the public eye without her causing a scandal, and I can't kill her without causing a massive scandal." Celestia was normally a well spoken mare. However, currently her jaw was resting heavily on the floor, which impeded her proper enunciation.

"... And if she ever feels gypped she knows more than enough about our personal lives to cause another scandal if she wanted." Luna plopped herself down next to her sister.

"You really distrust her that much?"

"She insulted a minotaur ambassador. A. Minotaur. Ambassador. Whatever trust she earned when she was young completely evaporated tonight. Maybe you're willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, Celes, but I'm not."

"I'm glad we're on the same page, then. My time as her teacher is becoming intolerable. She'll correct every niggling, insignificant, irrelevant detail!"

"Perhaps... Perhaps we could arrange an accident?"

"She's the Inheritor of the Sunset. What kind of accident could we arrange, which would inflict any kind of lasting harm on her without outing our influence?"

"Special assignment?"

"To where?"

"The moon, obviously!" Luna spoke with demonic glee and the room became ominously darker for a moment, just a moment.

"And when she doesn't return?"

"One of us transforms into her and takes her place?"

"We'd be caught before the century ended."

They both stared ahead in quiet contemplation, neither of them knowing quite how to handle their predicament. Things had been relatively simple and routine before Twilight, and now they and Equestria were paying for a selfless act of compassion.

"We can't harm her, but we need to reliably keep her out of our affairs." Celestia began listing the facts of the situation out loud. "When Blueblood became problematic we nudged him to start frequenting the local bars and brothels until he became an STD infested alcoholic. That worked pretty well, but I doubt we could trick Twilight into trapping herself in a self destructive cycle, which wouldn't bring us down with her."

"Well... Why would that be so hard?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you remember that time she turned in that assignment late? She was a frazzled mess and beyond irrational. Her weakness is her love of studying."

"And how would that not bring us down with her? Remember, that was the time she cast the Want It, Need It spell." Celestia cringed as she remembered the horror of that day. That was not a good day. That was not a good day.

"Ah, but here's the trick, sister, if she does it away from us, say, in a little podunk town on the edge of our borders..."

Celestia caught the mischievous gleam in Luna's eyes. ".. Then it wouldn't be a problem. After she settled she'd have low media exposure, she'd fade from public consciousness, and who cares about some backwater sinkhole?"

"Exactly, and I believe I know just the place. It's on the border of the Everfree, so for her to eventually have a deadly accident wouldn't be too surprising!"

Excitement was filling the room, but Celestia wasn't completely lost in it yet. "That's great, it's a great plan... But how do we get her there?"

Luna cupped her chin with her hoof in contemplation as she considered the problem. " ...Well, you'll be upping her workload soon... So after she starts getting frazzled tell her you think moving to a quieter location would benefit her studies. Shove her in whatever poor excuse for a library the town has, and keep a constant supply of books heading her way."

"That... That works. I think this will work. It won't keep her away forever, but it might at least give us enough time to patch things up with the minotaurs." Celestia smiled in genuine happiness, a rare occasion those days, but then a stray thought passed through her brain. "Y'know, we've come up with this plan to sweep her under the rug... But shouldn't we try talking to her first?"

The sisters looked each other in the eyes for several long moments. Then in unison they spoke.

"Naaah."

Author's Note:

Aaand here we go with the silly cynicism I wanted this story to have. Sillicism, if you will. This is my less innocent, more cynical interpretation of Equestria.