• Published 13th Oct 2013
  • 6,378 Views, 261 Comments

The Elements of Harmony Do Not Exist in This Story - Queuefka Palazzo



Luna was never banished, Discord is Celestia's court jester, the Elements of Harmony do not exist, and Twilight grows more pompous and more egotistical every day. Celestia is not amused.

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Ponydonklet, a Hamelet of Suffering

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have arrived safely in Ponyville, although the name is a misnomer. It is hardly a village. It is more of a hamlet. It should be called Ponyhamlet, although that might lead less educated ponies to believe it has a significant boar population. For their benefit and to avoid a misconception it should be called Ponydonklet to reflect its moderate donkey population.

As I was saying, I have arrived safely in Ponydonklet. Golden Oaks Library is cozy and has better insulation than the drafty castle library, but its selection is deplorable. I wish I could blame that on the locals borrowing the books, but that is not the case. Their familiarity with classical works aside, I also find myself feeling perturbed by the knowledge of anyone being able to enter my new home at any moment. I much prefer the privacy of my chambers in the castle.

Regardless, I will do my best to stay calm and continue studying. I know how important my education is to Equestria.

Speaking of my studies, I have completed my first assignment in Ponydonklet. As you requested, since I will be living here for this period of my education, I have made strides to become acquainted with the locals.

My first acquaintance met was a fellow unicorn named Rarity, a couturier, whom I have commissioned to fashion my public and private attire. She is posh compared to everypony else here and knew of my importance, but her accent was a dismal facsimile of the magniloquent, nasal tones of the Canterlot elite. I gave her an impromptu enunciation lesson while she took my measurements, but I fear the lesson gave her no benefit because she kept losing her composure.

She really should learn to focus more on her presentation.

Next I met an obnoxious pony named Pinkie Pie. She is an excellent baker, but my praise ends there. She's flamboyant, disruptive, and long winded. I wish I could say more about her personality, but even the locals say she is incomprehensible. She has a strange immunity to my mute spell and likes to throw parties.

I do not like her, but she thinks we are friends already. The word, "acquaintance", does not appear to be in her lexicon.

The only other notable pony is named Fluttershy, a competent veterinarian. There was an accident involving a surprisingly intimidating lapin. I won't point hooves, but her house was incinerated. Because of my involvement I have graciously offered Fluttershy the use of the guest bed while I'm paying for her home to be rebuilt. This arrangement initially seemed to work well because she is quiet and shy, but her stupid rabbit keeps pestering me. I'd kill it, but I feel I'd be crossing a line if another of her animals perished.

I am still hard at work on my assignments. I have nothing more to report at the moment.

Your brilliant student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Shortly after arriving I devised this spell, which will allow us to be in constant contact, Princess Celestia. We may be separated by miles, but our minds can still be as close as ever.


Luna peered at Celestia over the top of the letter. "And this is the first of how many letters?"

"23, Luna, and that's a short one."

"She's only been there for three days! She's already managed to burn down a house, make an enemy, and leave a pony homeless!"

"Believe me, Luna, I kno-" Suddenly a wisp shot through a crack in the window. It collided with Celestia's horn and quickly materialized into another scroll. It shot forward and bonked Luna in the nose.

Celestia quickly recovered from the mild shock of the letter delivery and spoke again. Annoyance dripped like venom from her voice. "Believe me, Luna, I know."

"Even when she is away she still finds ways of disrupting our lives!"

Celestia grumbled under her breath as she picked up the scroll in her magic and roughly unfurled it. She read it aloud. "Something something, the Apple family charges too little for its apples and should be charging more, something something, legislation and regulations, something something, natural monopoly, something something, tastes like ragweed." Celestia tossed it over her shoulder into the fire. "I can't go anywhere withou-"

Suddenly, a wisp shot through a crack in the window. It collided with Luna's horn and quickly materialized into another scroll. It shot forward and jammed itself in Celestia's eye. "Son of a brutally violated lamprey! Gah! I think... Titty whackers, I think I have a paper cut in my eye!"

"You're fine, it's just vellum. It doesn't have a sharp edge."

"Says you, you just got it on the nose!" Celestia stamped her hoof in frustration. "What's it say? What was so important she had to send you a letter 30 seconds after sending me a letter?"

"What do you mean me? Why shouldn't she send me a letter, too?"

"Because you only know her in passing. You haven't spent the past 15 years as her mentor."

Luna fumed as she roughly opened the letter. "Well, then, perhaps she's wising up you're not as great as you think you are..." Luna paused as she read the first couple of lines of the letter. "... Never mind. I hate that mare."

"Why? What does it say?"

"Just read it for yourself."

Celestia grabbed it with her magic and quickly scanned her lopsided eyes over its contents.


Dear Princess Luna,

Today I learned a valuable lesson about boasting. I thought you might appreciate this story because it aligns with some of your past history. Perhaps you can learn from my example and help prevent future incidents from occurring...


Luna crossed her forelegs and glared."How does she know about that, Celestia? That was over 1000 years ago and it was a private dispute between you, me, the albino Raccoon Queen, and the heir apparent of the Octopus Lord."

"Uh... uh... Look, a three headed monkey!"

In a moment Luna blinked and Celestia vanished.

Author's Note:

I like writing these versions of Celestia and Luna. They're fun.

In real life moving is a boring and tedious event. That's why I condensed Twilight's first couple of days into a single letter, which contains the highlights. No single event of the establishment of the Ponydonklet setting interests me enough to devote a chapter to it, but I need all of these "Elements" to be placed in a certain way for my future plans to work properly.

I'm also using this chapter to establish aspects of Twilight's personality without alienating her from you guys. By telling, not showing, the events still happened, but you don't get as much hate fuel. Twilight's character is a delicate balance because she needs to be a compelling protagonist. I can't just make you guys hate her, that would be boring. You need to hate her, but like her a little bit. Just a little bit.

I'm also tickled by the idea of ponies using vellum.

Now the setup is complete and the next chapter will be longer. I've established the important aspects of the setting, especially Twilight's personality, which means I can now proceed to write actual plot.

Yes, Celestia and Luna will be recurring characters. They're not just gags.

No, the letters will not be the framing device of the story. It's just another plot device I'll be using later.

Comments ( 103 )

3348629
THE BLUEBLOOD SUB PLOT IS COMING BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eeyup:

3345577

It won't be. I will be using letters on occasion, but they're not the framing device of the story. On occasion I'll be reinterpreting episodes, but I don't plan on that being the norm.

I like this. MOAR PLZ :pinkiehappy:

"How does she know about that, Celestia? That was over 1000 years ago and it was a private dispute between you, me, the albino Raccoon Queen, and the heir apparent of the Octopus Lord."

Hmm. I'll bet there's a story there.

and with a sudden change in destiny Blueblood become the most motha-fuckin' badass in all of Canterlot and Ponydonklet

Oh dear. Hmm... I wonder how her meeting with RD will go. As fellow egotists, they will either love each other become instant enemies. Unless that was vaguely referred to in the final letter.

sweet! new update!

can't wait for the next chapter

nice job sir! I await the next installment:twilightsmile::raritywink:

I've already acquired unbridled hatred at A Twilight, I could easily direct it to another.

Well, if you didn't want me to hate her, then you're a little too late...

3348957

Oh, you can hate her, that's whys she exists. You just also need to like her a little bit. Just a little bit.

3349001
I don't like her at all, and wish she would die in a fire.

So...sorry?:applejackunsure:

3349052

It's fine, as long as you enjoy it. I'm just looking at this from a literary point of view and I see she needs to be more complex than simple hatred.

I really like this version of Twilight ,I can totally relate ,people just don't understand the genius that is me!

It's a good thing I read that authors note, because it answered pretty much all my questions

3348629

I agree that she does listen and that he is important, and I do see her caring for him, but I feel that more often than not she is more callous towards him than she needs to be.

3349223

Yup. Then take him out of the equation and you get my Twilight.

3349239

This Twilight is basically the Twilight of Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student done right.

At risk of sounding like a brown noser, this version of Twilight is one of my favorites.

3348389
No, but either way, it continues to sate my read later list, and be the bane of my existence.

3349390

BOOM, HEAD SHOT!

Precisely right. She's not mean spirited, not really, she's just naturally a caustic person. She sees social interaction as a game to win, not as a way to enjoy other people or to be enjoyed by other people. She has shades of sociopathy, but isn't heartless.

I can't wait for Twilight to meet Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

She's pompous, violent, a bit evil, and is an absolute pain in Celestia's flank! Wow, my character Julius would love her! XD

The toponymy nerd in me suggest that Ponyham would be a more naturally-occurring formation, akin to Buckingham, West Ham or Birmingham. All those hams, of course, have nothing to do with pork or bacon. They came from Old English hām, as opposed to hamm "thigh of a hog", the former of which means "homestead" and are cognate with modern English home. Ham(e)let came from a diminutive of a diminutive (yes, two times) of Old French ham, which was most likely borrowed from Germanic sources e.g. Frankish, thus making it cognate with the English hām as well.

And she dared to replace ham with ... donk? I huffed in a dramatically indignant way at the inability to recognize the division and etymology of word components by a supposed biblomaniac. Pfft, she may as well proceed to name the place Ponyasslet.

3349819

I smell the title of an After Dark spinoff.

I've got my eye on this story...

Lol, first two days and she is already destroying lives. Poor Fluttershy.

On establishing Twilight's personality, yeah, she is not a hateable character even if she is a jerk. She comes across more like Sherlock Holmes the BBC version jerkish. Completely oblivious. Plus, I agree with her assessment of Angel bunny and Pinkie Pie :twilightblush:.

Ponydonklet. Population; Donkey

After a long night of reading, this ended up being the last story I read. I guess I did save the best for last.

Ponydonklet, eh? Well, there is an ass living in the library...

3349001
So she is like the Twilight from Mentally Advanced Series?
Mean-Spirited and racist but has shades of being an nice pony although this one does not have the freudian excuse that Twilight has, seriously in the Mentally Advanced Series one of the running gags is that Twilight had an crappy and traumatising childhood which serves to explain why she became that way(hell even the spin-offs sometimes go away from the story to have an flashback of having filly Twilight have an nightmare-inducing experience), this Twilight does not have that excuse, she was spoiled rotten and it shows.

3350467

Vaguely? I can see the similarity, but I'm not trying to write a genre savvy joke character, just a hilariously flawed one.

I may be filling this to the brim with satire and shenanigans, but I'm actually trying to write a real story, not a trollfic or a parody.

Was iffy on whether or not I was going to like this story, but this chapter sealed it. It reminds me of My Little GLaDOS with it's mean spiritedness and I'm liking it.

~Have a good one.

Oh my gosh fantastic, i love this Twilight. "I'd kill it, but I feel I'd be crossing a line if another of her animals perished." This referring to angel bunny made me laugh. she reminds me of me. :pinkiecrazy:

>I'm also tickled by the idea of ponies using vellum.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vellum#Paper_vellum

Though this Twilight probably wouldn't give a flying fig if something got skinned to make her messages happen.

Alright, I was iffy about this at first, but I'm finding this pretty good. Celestia's and Luna 's conversations were fun to read. Twilight does have a slight likability factor to her; she isn't purposefully being mean(she is paying to rebuild Fluttershy's house after all), she just naturally puts off/puts down others without realizing it. She's basically acting like the snobby elite like her parents raised her to be.

Ever head of show don't tell.?
yes it's a story we can't seer anything but what we should be able to do is picture the scenes in our minds. i will admit the few details were at least detailed.

you get one chapter. or i walk. :facehoof:

Good luck.

Sweet Jesus, that was funny.

I loved it. :pinkiehappy:
Can´t wait for more. If Ponydonklet still stands of course :pinkiecrazy:

Ponydonklet, a Hamelet of Suffering

This actually sounds like a Dwarf Fortress site name.

3341559 Ok, I'm literally sick to my stomach right now. :pinkiesick: Was going to give this a try but if people like these are enjoying it then . . .

WHY WOULD ANYONE MAKE PAPER OUT OF SKIN
LIKE WHO JUST SITS AROUND AND SAYS "HEY GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE COOL? SKIN PAPER!"

3341543 Wait, Spike died?
Edit: I just skimmed over the first chapter and I'm really shocked that I didn't really give the fact that they killed a dragon a second thought. I suppose it's because he was never referred to by name? I dunno.

3348637

I don't think even Blueblood wants to get within twenty miles of... that. Ugh.

3352015
um read the first chapte.r...hes drunk smashed and std infested......ITS GONNA COME!

Seriously, what's with these "haters" and people saying shit? I haven't really looked so I don't know how many or anything, but geez...

Look at the tags, all right? You see that grey one, yeah? The one that says "Alternate Universe", yeah? It should give you a hint about this story. It means it can be quite different than the "real" thing, say, no elements of harmony, no Nightmare Moon, Discord may have power but he's not "evil", the world has ended but some few things remain, or even a simple thing like gender swapping. It could be a small thing, a big thing, many things, two things, it doesn't matter - it means it's different from the canon!

Phew, sorry about that, had get it off. Now, I like this, it's hilarious! It has cynical ponies, yeah, but that doesn't mean this isn't awesome!

I wonder how people missed the fact that "Spike" was killed. As it were, that dragon did not just get big, it aged and then got angry. I can understand why even peaceful ponies would kill such a beast, and I mean, it wasn't Spike really, it was "just a baby dragon gone wild and we had to kill it".

3352424

Of, right. Twilight doesn't want to get within twenty feet of that.

Blueblood doesn't want to get within twenty feet of that.

..."Blueblood."

..."Twi-hic- light."

-both go in separate directions-

3352920
.....twilight is selfish and probably has not seen blueblood.....so she might attempt to follow blueblood for little bit to see what happen or what he usually does.

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