The Art of the Sub

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SpaceCommie

SpaceCommie #1 · Sep 8th, 2013 · 2 · 1 · Into the Unknown (Toys/Clamps/Gags/Spanking... And Humiliation kinda) ·

Clicked on this expecting submarines. Was disappointed.

1/10, please try harder to include submarines next time.

Bad_Seed_72

Bad_Seed_72 #2 · Sep 8th, 2013 · · · Into the Unknown (Toys/Clamps/Gags/Spanking... And Humiliation kinda) ·

OK, full disclosure: I love AppleSeed, and I love BDSM.

But this...

I'm sorry. This is wayyyy too rushed, wayyyy too short, and needs an editor. All kinds of formatting and punctuation errors. MS Word won't pick them all up (though, thanks for using that). I suggest that you set this fic up better. Since it's an incest pairing, you have to tackle that hurdle, and give a legitimate reason for them being together--much less doing this kind of stuff. The relationship needs to develop. You can't just smash them together and have them screw. (Well, you can, but it doesn't make for a good story.) I would recommend getting an editor and starting over on this. Your chapters should be 1000 words EACH as a minimum, and even that is far too small IMO.

I'm giving you an upvote for trying.

I hope this helps!

Void of The Heart

Void of The Heart #3 · Sep 8th, 2013 · · · Into the Unknown (Toys/Clamps/Gags/Spanking... And Humiliation kinda) ·

3171504

I definitely will getting an editor might be difficult but I will do my best and yeah I need to re-do it thanks!

Void of The Heart

Void of The Heart #4 · Sep 8th, 2013 · · · Into the Unknown (Toys/Clamps/Gags/Spanking... And Humiliation kinda) ·

3171336
I will ^_~

HumanFlea

HumanFlea #5 · Oct 3rd, 2013 · · · Into the Unknown (Toys/Clamps/Gags/Spanking... And Humiliation kinda) ·

You really need an editor. Half of the second chapter is italicized.

It really is rushed with things happening too quickly and without reason. Don't be afraid to slow down and take your time setting things up. I also think some things should be explained a bit better, like what the characters are thinking instead of just telling us what they do. Also I think a little background into what the relationship between the two was before the story started. I'd also suggest putting a bit more effort into characterization. Right now I could pretty much change the character names and no one would really know the difference, nothing really happens that makes me think "yeah that's something X would do". Hope that helps.