The waves of the Padomaic Ocean rolled furiously against the small Nordic longboat as it made its way slowly across the ever-treacherous waters. It's sails billowed in the sheer gust of wind, and its timbers groaned under the mast as it distributed the stress of the gales down through to the ship's thick timber frame. Resting upon the vessel's deck, was a single, solitary figure huddled against the mast.
From afar the figure resembled a man of rather average height and weight build clad in a rain and wind-battered priestly robe. The garments were of faded brown, and came with an orange cowl under which the man now shivered.
Next to the lone voyager, sat his few remaining possessions. A barely burning oil lantern, a small set of books in a satchel, and a chest full of his personal effects. In all earnesty, the contents of the chest were not much to behold either. Several bags of salted salmon, a tavern's worth of Cyrodillic brandy (likely pilfered from the Solitude docks), some extra clothes, a purse with 1000 septims. There were other things contained within as well... Things the man would rather anyone not know he possessed at all, given his supposed priestly nature.
All of these items were sheltered by the protective aura of a shield charm, provided courtesy of the College of Winterhold. The shield kept out the rain, but the wind still managed to get through at times, chilling the man to his bones. Shor, Akatosh, or someone was obviously not pleased with the voyager.
As yet another of the ferocious ocean gales blew in from Tamriel's direction, the lone priest muttered to himself.
"Hagravens' saggy, frozen... Damn winds! At least I'm clear from the Sea of Ghosts, the Gods-blasted ice, and those dreughs almost killed me! Talos be praised I've made it even this far!"
The journey had been a long one.
Having been banished from Skyrim by the High Queen Elisif the Fair for quote, "Crimes of public indecency and mischief against Skyrim and her people", the priest had been (ever so politely) shipped out from Whiterun in a large wooden crate, possessions and all, straight to Solitude.
The guards had let him wander around the Solitude docks unsupervised as the ship he was going to be thrown into was summarily prepared for him. By the time they had finally snatched him back up, the now angry Priest had stolen several thousand septims worth of shipping goods (and some contraband he had stumbled upon) from the East Empire Company.
Surely Tiber Septim would not disapprove, given how the poor man was being treated by the Queen's men and everything, right? When asked about the surprisingly extreme weight the chest had now gained, the priest had responded, saying his items were simply, "Heavy with Talos' holy blessings for the journey."
Not being very bright, the guards simply shrugged, one of them saying, "No lollygagging."
"Get to the ship, before we haul you off to the Solitude Dungeons instead." Another ordered.
"I have soldiers to train, and i don't feel like dealing with the likes of you! Off to the boat, now!" Captain Aldis had said, finally hustling the priest onto his journey into exile.
Once they had manhandled his items and various junk onto the waiting longboat, he was ordered to sail out immediately.
They gave him everything he would need to survive for a month or until he had reached land somewhere far from Skyrim. Even though he was no sailor, they had also sarcastically left copies of Father of the Niben, Pirate King of the Abecean, and The Lusty Argonian Maid to quote "Help him along."
From there, the journey had take the exiled priest across hundreds of miles of icy sea, which then gave way to the warmer waters of the Ocean, where we now find our weary traveler. Despite the transition from snow to rain, the sea refused to give up on its onslaught of high winds, almighty thunder, and powerful waves.
The wind was now beginning to drive him truly crazy, and he muttered ever more frequently to himself.
"Calm yourself Heimskr." He said to himself in his thick Nordic accent. "Ain't nothing in the winds but your own imagination. No pointy-eared Thalmor anywhere within over a thousand miles! Ha Ha!" He chuckled maniacally.
Suddenly, a particularly powerful maelstrom of wind blew through the shield charm, blowing Heimskr's books around, and knocking open the lid of his chest.
Out of it rolled a rather worn copy of From the Many-Headed Talos, and two small vials of purple liquid. Reverently, the priest hastily snatched up the book and wrapped in a fine silk cloth he grabbed from inside his robes. Ever so gently, Heimskr deposited the book into the chest. Then, warily the man gave a glance at the two potions before him, rolling with the ship as it rode the waves.
Shrugging, Heimskr grabbed the Skooma. "Ah, sod it! The Ocean's going to swallow me whole anyhow. I'm sure Talos will find someone else to praise his name in Tamriel. To Aetherius then!" Raising the vials to the sky, the Nord downed the narcotics in a single swig. The effects washed over him faster than a tsunami could have even capsized his little longboat.
Heimskr was forced to slump against the mast he had been huddling against for so long. His vision swam, and the stormy air began to warp, and became very colorful.
Eventually, the odd, vertigo-inducing vision morphed into a full-blown hallucination. The priest of Talos sat wide-eyed and slack-jawed as a humanoid figure manifested into existence before him. A few moments passed, before the figure took on a form with discernible figures.
Strange music, tunes that sounded like something a little girl would hum, played all around him, further cofounding his now drug-addled mind.
Standing before Heimskr now, was a Khajiit. The cat man was garbed in robes almost identical to his, and he now turned to look at the shocked Nord with knowing, clever feline eyes.
"Who... Who are you? STAY AWAY!" Heimskr cried out, reeling in the opposite direction.
In response, the Khajiit flashed him an amused grin, exposing two rows of pearly, needle-sharp feline fangs. "Calm yourself Nord. M'aiq comes not to scare, pilfer, or tease. Rather, he merely has a message to deliver. For you see priest, t'is not your day to die. The Nine Divines have other plans for you. Of this, Khajiit is sure."
Still trying to get a safe distance away from the Khajiit, Heimskr replied. "What are you talking about? What plans?"
Rainbows arced out of the storm swollen air behind where M'aiq the Liar stood. "As M'aiq says, you are not to die in a watery grave. Just beyond the veil of this fierce sky tempest, lies a Land, you see. A Land, upon which shines not the Twin Moons, but one Moon, of brilliant silver. Silver as fine as the Moon Sugar made by Shegorath, the Great Skooma Cat himself."
Still grinning, the M'aiq apparition continued. "Follow the rainbows through and beyond the wicked storm, and therein you will find the Land of which M'aiq speaks. There lives a people, who have heard not of the mightiest man who ever lived. The Nine Divines wish for you to spread the word of your holy Talos to the shamefully ignorant ears of this new land."
Heimskr's eyes widened even further. "I am to honor mighty Talos once more?!"
The robed Khajiit nodded impatiently. "Yes! Have you not been listening to M'aiq? You are to go forth, and continue your praise of the Ninth Divine, Nord priest, in this new land. M'aiq is tired now. I go away." He said in his purr-like Elswyr accent.
"WAIT! Where are you going, Khajiit? Who lives in the new Land?"
"No. Khajiit is too tired to answer questions now. Go ask mud crabs when you arrive ashore who dwells there. Maybe they can answer, if they don't try to sell flin, sujamma, or mead to you. Their prices are robbery, and they drink too much of their own stock to talk to easily. M'aiq has warned you."
With one final grin to the hallucinating priest, the robed Khajiit vanished into a pink mist. His departure was marked by a mysterious, sweetly pleasant-sounding feminine voice.
"Ohh! Pinkie Sense tingling! Somepony new is coming towards Equestria!"
"Pinkie Pie, how on earth could you possibly know that?" Another voice, also feminine sounding, asked.
"Pinkie sense silly! How else? OH MY GOSH, I'LL HAVE TO PLAN A WELCOME PARTY FOR TOMORROW!"
"My oh my, Pinkie Pie! What a wild imagination you possess, darling." A third, posh feminine voice replied.
For Heimskr, he was certain he was truly tripping out now. Not even Khajiits were crazy enough to down two things of Skooma at once! Momentarily, the warping air and hypnotic colors wore away, and the odd music faded into silence, in a rather creepy fashion.
As the last of the effects of the drug finally (apparently) wore off after a few more moments, the priest noticed that the storm had now abated ever so slightly. In the West, Heimskr beheld an amazing sight.
Just like M'aiq the Liar had (oddly) honestly promised, a new land now lay before him. Exquisite rainbows, real and not hallucinated, gleamed as they pointed towards the golden, beautiful coast. Just beside the trees, stood a massive bay, through which a city larger and more magnificent then anything Heimskr had ever seen stood.
While the man stood on his longboat beholding the new sights, a loud sound drew his attention away from the exotic coast.
A large bolt of lightning struck the deck, a little too close to Heimskr's belongings for comfort. Appoaching the charred wood, the Nord Priest found a large hard-back book, strangely intact. On top of it was an Amulet of Talos. Grabbing the amulet, Heimskr reverently stowed it in his robes, then looked back at the book.
It was titled, Complete History of Equestria: A Begginer's Guide.
Before bringing the ship about, Heimskr took a long break to skim through the book. At the back cover, he found an odd note.
Heimskr
Your kinsman have seen fit to banish you from beloved Skyrim.
But fear not! A new land of opportunity now lays before you!
Go forth, and spread word of my feats! Bring the light of the Empire and the Divines to those who do not know of it!
Yours in Confidence
Almighty Talos
Upon reading the note, Heimskr raised his hands in the air, clutching the Amulet of Talos in his hands. He turned to face the midday Sun, which was now shining through the dissipating storm clouds. Opening his mouth, the ever-annoying priest let out a loud cry.
"PRAISE TALOS!"
Oh, lolzors. Continue, in the name of Talos!
Can you believe that I actually never killed this guy on any of my playthroughs?
3091439 Oddly enough, I didn't either.
Although that Confessor Cromwell in Megaton on Fallout 3 always bit the dust from my FatMan
3091411 Talos be praised!
3091455 The one guy who really annoyed me in Fallout 3 was Sticky from Little Lamplight. I always beat him to death with a baseball bat, hacked off all his limbs and threw his body in a dumpster.
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3091455
You read this in Cromwell's voice, you loose.
You monster.
3091459 Nice!
3091458 Oh yeah, the 'Are we there yet punk. You made the wasteland a better place by doing that
3091488 If you pass a speech check you can make him stop being so fucking annoying, but still, he ain't worth the companion slot, and won't leave either, because if he does he's found dead the next time you enter the map cell.
3091496 That's why Speech is always one of my TAG skills.
Lmao thats what happened to him I thought he just never contiued preching after I shot him with that arrow.
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3091634 Now I want to watch the Emperor's New Groove all of a sudden...
High Queen? Lolno. As if Elisif would beat Ulfric Stormcloak.
3092365 Be careful when you say that around General Tullius and Legate Rika...
3092790
Pft, as if those Imperial weaklings are any threat.
Legionnaires FTW.
Is Ponyville by the coast or will he have to travel through the Everfree forest?
Hoo boy, the most annoying preacher in Imperial history is now stranded in Equestria...
Something tells me that this ain't gonna end well.
Embrace the power of Tacos!
3093199 He'll end up in Ponyville somehow, some way...
By Malacath's toenails, were did that come from?
No joke I killed him for being so fucking annoying and just paid the 1000 bounty, thats how mush i hated him
I know I'm not the only person on this planet who loves Hemiskr. Please continue this story!
3096555
Lol you too?!XD The first time I saw him I pulled out my bow, aimed it at his skull and fired. Later on though I ended up just stealth killing him with no bounty.
Praise the Sun!
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One time I listen to him. Realized that elves control the legion and went to go join the Stormcloaks.
Praise indeed... I look forward to when he gets a church and some followers going! Now that ought to be fun!
Best Priest has made landfall
I can't do it...I can't take no more of that dude's preaching
...Maybe I'll read it later; emphasis on maybe
3100832 The sermons have only just begun, praise Talos...
3098004
Truly, it is like a magnificent father. If only we could be so grossly incandescent...
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What else is there to praise, the Moon!?
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And there it is, friends! The ugly, Truth. Your Children have ascended from the duuuung of man. I, alone have been annointed to SPREAD my ass for you!
For I LOVE YOU!
YOU?! i thought that arrow i shot between your eyes had killed you???
oh well... lets just try again...
BUT WITH FIRE THIS TIME!
3092793 weeelllll i did both endings out of curiosity, (thank -insert preferred deity here- for save files) and he seemed to lose most of the time
not to mention how he surrendered in the beginning immediately after being caught
THIS GUY?! I thought I killed him with that over powered ( i had the dragon aspect shout on) fire breath! I incinerated him! How is this possible?
P.S No bounty for me, i'm with the guild.
Even the ponies of Equestria must learn of Talos' Mighty Glory!!
I am sure he will attend his Pinkie Pie Welcoming party "In the name of Talos!"
Heimskr is Best Priest!
RISE UP RIIIIIIISE UP INTO THE ASS OF ELEVES
Is there like a magical barrier involved or something like that shielding Equestria? Because beyond the Sea of Ghosts is the equivalent of the North Pole.
Heimskr is going to Equestria?
I can total see him annoying people to death.
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I'm laughing uncontrollably just at the thought of this being a thing. Take my like, take a million of them.
3103238 I had Heimskr sail through the Sea of Ghosts, past Hammerfell and High Rock. Equestria is basically situated somewhere west of Tamriel, near Yokuda the home of the Redguards possibly
3103358 I appreciate that. The support for this story is blowing my mind!
So, would you guys like to see more of regular, annoying Heimskr, or the even more annoying Gamerpoop Heimskr?
Or maybe a mix of both?...
Silver as fine as the Moon Sugar made by Shegorath
Do you mean Sheogorath?
3102667
I don't do charity. So take that coin and slip it down the crack of my ass- Soft like the Saber tears into the Deer *Big cat growl*, only the bloodiest of beef between these cheeks!
Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! HOW THW HECK DID YOU KNOW THAT MY 2 FAVORITE SKYRIM CHARACTERS WERE M'AIQ AND HEIMSKER! If faendil is here anywhere, I'll know you are my copy!
Sheogorath is awesome too!