Sometimes, a random pony with no place in the world will simply come into being in Equestria.
It's part of Fluttershy's job to look after them while they're there.
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- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Last Thursday
Rocketknightgeek
I have a rocket pack strapped to my barrel and a sword gripped tightly in my jaw. This is entirely practical and can only end well.
Rocketknightgeek
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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confusing as hell
wel now i why its confusing.............
3005537
Speaking of confusing...
In all honesty, I loved this. This could be made into an animation, and it'd be absolutely hilarious xD
I'm rather glad this has the Dark tag, as it certainly needs it. Cause that was more than just a little dark.
Interesting premise though. Poor things just popping into existence with memories implanted in their head.
I had a nice big smirk on my face all the way through and it was very well written. Good job!
3005547
"...in which Fluttershy has the crappiest job in the universe."
Good job, though. The counterpoint between 'Shys tired resignation and Skycutters confusion and denial was nice.
Hi there, I'm IncoherentOrange from WRITE, and I'm here to review your story. I'm sorry you had to wait, I hadn't gotten around to doing this until now.
As any reader will, I'll start with the picture and the description. Now, having read the story, I'd say that that picture of Fluttershy doesn't really match the content of the story in feel. If you couldn't find something better, I suppose it's alright, though, and definitely better than nothing. The description is vital to hooking a reader, and it could use some minor improvements, this sentence specifically:
First, Equestria is a proper noun, being a place. There are several errors of this type within the story itself, same with "Equestrian" in the context of language; adjectives derived from proper nouns typically retain the capitalization, as "English" and "French" do when referring to those languages. Second, that there is no comma after "sometimes" stuck out to me. After doing a little checking, I've seen it recommended that if you wish to emphasize it, you place a comma after it. When it's emphasized, it seems slightly more compelling, but that could be just me. Like with any suggestion I make, it's your choice. That the two sentences are separated rather than together as one paragraph appears to be a stylistic choice, though I don't believe it to be technically correct.
Now I suppose it's on to the first chapter, evidently the only one there will ever be, given the information that you have provided. Unless you planned to continue it in a linear manner, I think it's unnecessary to label chapters numerically.
I guess I'll talk about grammar first. As your author's note states, you did not edit this. If I were you, I'd have done what editing I could before submitting it to the site, not to mention for a review. I won't edit for you, but I will give you a summary of what I see so you can go over it yourself, if you are so inclined. I'll also be looking at your writing style and giving my input there.
The first paragraph begins with one of the most tired and basic methods of starting a story, that being 'X was having a wonderful day', and 'it was a bright and sunny day', and whatnot. Speaking of paragraphs, you do not indent yours. This is fine in this medium, as no space has to be conserved by marking paragraphs and not having spaces between them.
The story makes an aside to the reader just after the first paragraph. There is no narrator, therefore, there is nobody to make the aside. This leads me to conclude that this aside is erroneous.
In some spots there appear to be two spaces where there should only be one. Strange.
Okay, some things about fandom terminology bug me; 'plot' instead of 'butt' or 'buck' instead of 'fuck', in particular. But, that's just my opinion.
There is some apostrophe confusion in a few places, which is never good.
Several words are capitalized when they should not be. Proper noun rules are important!
Two-period ellipses are not used in ordinary writing to my knowledge. Also, when an ellipsis interrupts part of a sentence, then the sentence is still treated as though on-going if continued.
Some forms of emphasis, such as dramatic pausing, for instance, are not usually considered correct when used in description. Things don't stop dramatically as they happen, right? The world isn't a storyteller, after all. If there was a narrator, it would be fine. Other forms of emphasis are sometimes found as all-capitalized words. Ignoring for a moment that the instances I see are in places in which emphasis cannot be correctly placed there, I am not fond of that method as much as italics or bolded text. It's your decision, though.
Comma splices are very common mistakes, and you make them from time to time. There are many guides out there for the usage of commas, and knowing exactly when and how to use that important little mark can be very helpful. Though, you might already know a lot or perhaps all of this, since you didn't bother to edit this story.
Using and describing an acronym that is only used once doesn't really make sense to me. I'd advise just skipping the acronym.
Well, that's all for grammar and style, now onto the story itself, probably what you've been waiting for.
The first issue I notice is the characterization of Fluttershy. I never figured her to be one to hold the bureaucracy of her task in such contempt when there are other aspects that she has to handle on top of that, like euthanizing the temporaries and feeding them to manticores, which I think she'd be more occupied with. Other than that, the other characters are either not very strictly defined in-story or otherwise, so there isn't much of a mold for them to break in the story.
Now, the story itself is very short and there is just not a lot to say about the story as there simply isn't time to get to know and original characters or concepts in the story. However, the amount of detail it has seems adequate for its length. It could have benefited from a greater length, I think, though I understand completely that the idea itself didn't turn out as well as you'd hoped. Your execution of the idea seems to be hampered mostly by mechanical problems, but the baseline is solid, if very brief.
Anyway, that's my review. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I hope I was of help.
~IncoherentOrange, WRITE's Rambling Citrus