From dungeon raiding to housework these two's adventures never truly end.
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DarkmosX
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Really good!
This is the most horrendous POV change I have ever seen.
(by the way I'm still dead)
2943828 arch.413chan.net/pinkie_pie_-_haters_gonna_hate-(n1303247427735).gif
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
Dark Tails New Friends is a story with a grammatically ambiguous title that follows the adventures of an Original Character named Shadows, not that the reader has any chance of knowing that before the first Point of View change halfway through the story. Not to quote the review by Pixels who made this observation in the second comment of the story, but this really is the most horrendous point-of-view change I’ve ever seen. Nothing breaks the flow of story like staring at a series of text characters and bold-facedly shouting POINT OF VIEW CHANGE MOTHERFUCKER! Granted this is the sort of thing a reader needs to expect when reading a first-person narrative that cannot choose which person it wants to be.
To the author’s credit, the story follows the same grammatical rules as the title. By which I mean there are none. Commas are mysteriously absent from critical moments in a sentence that would allow some sense to actually be made only to pop up in the place of periods so that the following sentence fragments did not have to work much harder to stand on their own or shrivel up and die like they were supposed to. Spelling is not as atrocious as I’ve seen in other stories but would it kill the writer to occasionally peak at a dictionary? A proofreader would be highly-
Oh wait, there was a proofreader. And this shit still sailed? Further investigation shows that the proofreader has no stories published after being on FIMFiction for the better part of a year. Protip: If you want someone to check your writing, make sure that they can fucking write. It’s like asking a man in a white hat and coat to check that you prepared your chicken without realizing that the car he pulled up in says ‘Pizza Hut’ on the top and the neighbors are looking out the window wondering why you are harassing their delivery.
Shadow as a character is what you’d expect of an OC: he’s talented despite some crippling disability and overcomes his obstacles with little to no effort, such as winning a bet against a conveniently foolish character which nets him some nice luggage but his kind heart pays the down-on-her-luck character for his winning anyway. Any flaws he might have are offset by his little sister that follows the motif of a young girl with creepy factors, in this case all black eyes.
There is no visible plot as of yet in the story and the author gets no points for creativity when the goal of Shadow and Shade’s travels is to go to Ponyville, a place less developed only than New York City in Marvel comics.
Tagged for Random and Adventure there is very little of either in this chapter and I cannot help but think that this chapter was designed more along the lines of an introduction to a television episode or some sort of cinematic as opposed to an attempt at written literature. Keeping in mind this is a first attempt at a story is not something I am keen on doing, so I won’t.
Dark Tails New Friends is a story in desperate need of direction, ideas, and editing. The only thing that could have made it worse would be a Humans tag.
3029365 I apologize for my bad editing, I thought everything was in order, I must have been wrong, I promise to do better, plus it's just an into, both me and darmosX have big plans for future chapter's.