Fluttershy finds a mysterious pegasus outside her cottage one morning on her way to the market, so she takes him in and takes care of him. Will she figure out who he is? Will he figure out who he is? What will happen when they find out the truth?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's a great story! ...but you don't explain or describe how Fluttershy feels. You write things like;
Fluttershy waited for the bucket to fill with water.
How did she wait? This is my edit;
Fluttershy felt edgy and shivered in nervousness as the bucket slowly filled. Her eyes darted around, becoming impatient, she quickly grabbed the bucket in her mouth, causing some of the liquid to splash onto the grassy ground in her haste.
That was just an example, not that i'm very good at story writing...
This is amazingly written. I'm just showing you one of the main things that I've noticed.
Also, at the end I saw the same problem;
Fluttershy came out of her flashback with tears in her eyes. Even to the day she remembered those words and that pony. She laid her head down and closed her eyes, letting the tears fall down her face. She began to hum her mother's lullaby as she began to grow drowsy. Eventually she fell into a restless, dreamless sleep.
What tears were they? Tears of happiness? Tears of sadness? Explain more, please.
Thank you for reading my constructional critism! Just keep this in mind, some times!
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Thank you so much! You're totally right too. I hadn't even thought about that. I will incorporate that into future chapters. But I am glad you are enjoy the story so far c:
I love fluttershy and this is an amazing story I hope you write more...please.
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I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far~ I myself am a huge fan of Fluttershy! Hopefully I shall have the next chapter out in the next couple days!