Chapter 1

Dark Hoof ran through ponyville her hoofs seemed to barely touch the ground as he did. She felt the wind blow past her face and cool her body down. Dark Hoof loved the exhilaration in running as she felt the wind rush through her mane each step propelling her forward at extreme speeds. Sometimes she wished she was a pegasus so she could fly really fast. Instead she was a unicorn.

She had heard about Rainbow Dash and her friends. Dark Hoof admired and was jealous of Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash had it all. She was famous, or close to, she was a top flyer, and she was wicked fast. What more could a pony ask for? All she wanted was to fly and be free. Her horn didn't help with any of her jobs or freedom and flying would have.

She slowed down to a trot as she approached the market that went on during the summer time. There was several stores. Ones for apples, leaves, tomatoes, etc. Dark Hoof wanted none of that though. She wanted a carrot. She trotted to the counter where a pony named Carrot Top was standing behind. However there was a humongus line. Dark Hoof snorted. The other ponies wouldn't be so happy if she budged all of them, but she did anyway. She shoved and pushed the other ponies aside.

"Hey watch it that was my spot!" one very foolish stallion said. Dark Hoof turned around to face him. Nopony questioned Dark Hoof. Ever.

"Stallion what's your name." she asked ever so frightfully softly.

"Blueheart, why?" he repsonded. Dark Hoof stalked up to him pushing her nose into his making the stallion back up a little in intimadation. Her breath seemed to choke him as he gasped for fresh air.

"You must be new here so I'll give it to you straight. Nopony argues with me, otherwise they might have a little visit to the hospital." she snarled.

"I'm not afraid." Blueheart said as he gulped nervously.

"You will be." Dark Hoof stated. She stepped back her head held high.

"Are you going to question me and argue with my logic?" Dark Hoof asked.

"No...ma'am." Blueheart stuttered. Dark Hoof saw his body quiver and tremble his legs barely holding his body up.

"Good you learned your lesson." Dark Hoof said scoffingly. She approached Carrot Top.

"Hello Dark Hoof, my best customer, what will it be?" Carrot Top said nervously.

"One carrot." Dark Hoof demanded.

"That'll be 2 bits." Carrot Top gulped. Dark Hoof knew that Carrot Top wanted to make her happy so no fights broke out. So Dark Hoof reached her nuzzle into her pack and levitated two bits out with her magic and gave them to Carrot Top. Even though she was rough she thought two bits was a reasonable price and she always complied with reasonable prices. Unreasonable prices were not good with her.

"Thanks." Dark Hoof said as she stalked off.

"No problem, come back if you need anymore!" Carrot Top shouted to Dark Hoof, as Dark Hoof was trotting away.

Dark Hoof started trotting, but quickly changed into a gallop and ran back to her house. She galloped quickly past Sweet Apple Acres and, past the cutie mark crusaders club house, and onto a forgotten road. The road was covered by grass that had been mostly trodden on by Dark Hoof, actually it was only Dark Hoof who went down the path. It had tress lining the sides and would sometimes grow in the middle of the path. Dark Hoof would have to use her magic to chop it down.

She slowed her pace to a trot. She was home...well she hated home.Her home was medium sized and a dark green house color that Dark Hoof had to repaint every four years otherwise her mother would go outside and start beating Dark Hoof when her mother noticed. Even if Dark Hoof did paint it her mother would usually be too drunk to see it and beat her anyway. Dark Hoof never had to pay for the house since it was forgotten about. The road she took wasn't even on the map of Pony Ville. She walked in to a mother drinking beer.

"Where's my carrot Dark Hoof?" her mother croaked.

"Right here." Dark Hoof murmered. She gave the carrot to her mother. Dark Hoof stared at her mother. She was basicly a younger version of her mother. A black unicorn with red stripes in her long uncombed mane. Her cutie mark was a red lightning bolt breaking through a shield. Her special shtik was ruinning fast and killing fast too. She was an assaisan and a wanted criminal. She still didn't like to kill she was just good at it.

"Is there anything else you would like?" She asked politely.

"No. Go outside." her mother commanded.

"But mother I've been outside for a while now!" Dark Hoof wailed. Her mother looked at her and threw her beer glass at her. It hit her chest and shattered. Dark Hoof screeched in agony as the glass pierced her thin skin at what seemed extraordinarily long seconds.

"GO OUTSIDE NOW!" her mother snarled. Dark Hoof bloody and crying ran outside. The blood drizzled down her muscular leg every time her hoof hit the ground to shoot her body forward.

"For now on my mother will have to take care of herself." Dark Hoof vowed to herself. She had beer glasses thrown at her since she was a filly. It still hurt horribly. She galloped into the Everfree forest.

"Nopony would come for me here." she mumbled. She remembered her attempts to run away, then her mother chasing her down and beating her senseless. She shivered in remembrance of the pain. She wouldn't mind living here as long as it was faraway from her mother. She decided not to go to her job ever again, just in case. She had to have a regular job too for she would seem regular and non-psycho when the roayal guard came to find out who murdered who. Dark Hoof had worked at Sweet Apple Acres for she was very strong. Killing other ponies wasn't that easy.

She shook her head and focused on how she would survive here. She looked around and almost instantanously found grass and water. Since here was grass and water in the forest she concluded she could live there.

Dark Hoof thought quietly how she would get back at her mother. Her mother was an acoholic for her father left them right after Dark Hoof was born. She hated her mother and the other ponies who had it easy. Dark Hoof had always worked while her mother sat on the couch throwing beer at her. Even when she was a filly she was forced to work. She thought to herself they don't know the meaning of pain and suffering. Yes she thought. She would rule Eqeustria and show the ponies the meaning of pain. First she would kill her mother. Then the end of happiness. Nothing would stand in her way.

Author's Note:

This is a story idea based off of Iron Man. I would again like contructive critisim and no comments like "no" or something stupid like that. How the hell is that gonna help me make my story better. Anyway so yeah. Contructive critisim would be much appreciated. Thanks!

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Octavia Harmony

Octavia Harmony #1 · Jul 15th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Constructive? Ok. First off, your sentence structure is painfully simple. You write what seemed to be every sentence in an active voice with present tense. Try to use passive sentence structure a bit more, it'll loosen up your story. Next, not too major but a problem nonetheless, your spelling is not the best. I would suggest finding an editor willing to help. I'm not open right now, but if I was I would help. Another key point is you're use of adjectives; they aren't very descriptive, and they aren't very varied. Maybe add some punch to your story with complex sentences would be my main suggestion. Instead of "Dark Hoof loved running" try try "Wind rushing through her mane, Dark Hoof felt pleasure with each hoof hitting the ground and propelling her forward."

Gah I realized how cheesy this sounds. Forgive me, I'm tired.

Apocalypticpony