• Published 6th Jul 2013
  • 1,902 Views, 129 Comments

The Human Side of Things - Gylden Glor

Peter Kempachi-Ramasama, born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, gets the once in a lifetime chance to visit an alternate universe.

  • ...

Antics in Canterlot

Rainbow Dash shifts uncomfortably on her bed. "Well, Peter did say something weird to me before he left," she finally admits. I perk up at that. Perhaps we can finally determine whether or not he's mentally unstable, which is a concern I've had since he told us about the weapon he's making for Celestia. That glimmer in his eyes when he spoke about it...it was just...unnatural.

"Well, what'd he say, darling?" Rarity urges the cyan Pegasus to speak up.

"He..." She blushes, and I cringe. Oh boy, this is gonna be interesting. "He said that...he'd stick with me through anything," she finally mumbles. I blink in surprise, as I'm not exactly sure that's what I had expected. Fluttershy speaks what's on everypony's mind.

"I don't understand - how is that weird?"

"Well...isn't that sort of a romantic thing to say?" Rainbow asks. I'm honestly shocked she knows anything about romance, or that she's openly discussing it with us. Then again, she's on enough morphine to make a minotaur act like a puppy.

"Sometimes," Rarity announces. "But in his case...I think it was just a way to show a friend that he truly cares for her." We all nod our consent, and Rainbow Dash sighs.

"Yeah, but...it felt like more than that, and the way he said it, like...super soft and stuff, it seemed like he really meant it, and it makes me think that he likes me...which sucks, because I know that you like him, Flutters; and I want you to be happy with him!"

We all direct our attention to Fluttershy, who is currently blushing in confusion. "Wait...you...you think I like him?"

"Well, yeah," Rainbow responds. "I mean, you were acting super shy around him and having a hard time talking..."

"Uh, Rainbow? That's...that's how she acts with pretty much everypony she's meeting for the first time," I point out.

The bedridden mare blinks a few times before understanding. "Oh, yeah," she brushes off her mistake. "Good point, Twi'. Totally forgot about that." I nod.

"Well...what're y'all gonna do 'bout it?" Applejack asks, somewhat surprising us. After a while, she had more or less faded into the background - something I would never say aloud.

To her.

"What d'you mean, AJ?" Rainbow asks, innocently.

"Are you gonna ask him out on a date? HUHHUHHUH AREYAAREYAAREYA!!???" Pinkie Pie bounces before Rainbow Dash, who lets out a cry of shock at the sudden outburst and reels backwards into the headrest. Rubbing her head in irritation and pain, Rainbow Dash growls a response.

"No, Pinkie; I'm not going to ask him out! I barely even know him! Besides - he's not nearly as awesome as I am! I mean, he's always so safe and boring!"

"I wouldn't be too sure of that!" Pinkie Pie chirps. "Right now he's working on a weapon that can fire metal super fast and cause a lot of harm and damage that doesn't sound safe at all in fact it sounds super dangerous and scary and I'm not really that excited about it to be honest I'm sorta scared and depressed that a friend of mine would want to make something like that but oh well I guess it's about time the Royal Guards use some competent weapons huh?"

I blink slowly before butting in. "Uh...yeah. Anyway, I think we should leave you to get some rest, Rainbow. It seems like you have a lot to think about - what with how you keep zoning out."

Rainbow nods in an unintentionally dismissive fashion. "Uh, yeah. Thanks..."

I nod, and after we've all said our temporary farewells and wished her a quick recovery, we depart.

Once I get back to the library, I decide to look up what Peter had been talking about. Spike helps me out, as he had to stay here and clean up after a certain burping accident he had this morning - one that destroyed a perfectly good breakfast.

As I search without result, I begin to really hope that Peter knows what he's doing.


I have no idea what I'm doing,

But it seems to be working, so I'm going to keep doing it.

Without actual modern molds and crap, I had to have a few of my colleagues help me make new ones that would make the proper springs, screws, clips, plastic pieces, and metallic casings that I need.

I want to apologize to the readers here. I had a long hilarious part written out in which Peter meets Cadence for the first time and calls her "Pink Bitch", "Princess Pretty in Pink", and "Pink". But my iPad freaked out and deleted all of it.

Go eat a dick, iPad.

So, instead of detailing all the crap about designing the gun and shit, I'm going to jump right to where Shining Armor is testing out the new model. Enjoy.

Shining Armor, the Captain of the Royal Guard, fires off several shots from the pony-specialized Glock 19. Most of them hit the wall behind the target, but a few hit their mark. I glance over at the Princesses to gauge their reactions.

Celestia seems to be mildly impressed. Luna seems to be very impressed. And some pink bitch I've never met seems to be absolutely ecstatic. But, she seems to be a Princess, and Shining Armor seems to be fucking her (due to the glances they give each other), so I give Shining a curt nod of congratulations.

Once the demo is over, Princess Pretty in Pink starts clapping politely, but stops under the unamused glares of Celestia and Luna. She blushes a bit as she stares at the floor, and I suppress laughter. I explain the gun to Celestia and Luna, and then show off the model I had made for myself. Due to my experience in recreational gun firing and stuff, I'm pretty accurate and hit the chest almost every time. Luna applauds for me a bit, and stops a moment after she starts. I cock an eyebrow at her, and Pink gives her a snide smirk.

Once most of everything is done, Shining Armor approaches me. Celestia dips her head near Luna's, and they begin to speak to each other in hushed tones. "So, uh...you know Twilight, right?" Pink...Princess stands next to him. (I've run out of clever names.)

"Yeah," I respond. "Why? You know her?"

"I'm her brother!" He declares proudly. He deflates a bit. "What, she hasn't told you about me?"

"To be fair, I've never asked her about family," I admit. He nods.

"Anyway, how is she?" The Pink One butts in. (Ha-ha! I knew my well hadn't run dry!) "My name is Princess Miamore Cadenza, and I used to be her foalsitter - but you can just call me Cadence." I nod. That name has a nice ring to it - as does her voice! I immediately start to feel bad for the names I had given her as I notice that she's absolutely beautiful - mostly her voice, but her figure and face as well. It's mostly due to her interesting coloration.

"She's doing well," I respond. "She seems to be loving it in Ponyville."

"I am glad to hear that," Celestia announces as she steps away from Luna. "Now, come, Peter - we have much to discuss. My sister and I have finished conferring, and we wish to speak with you in my study about your invention. Come, Shining Armor. Cadence, if you would..."

Princess Cadence nods before giving Shining a quick peck on the cheek and trotting out of the firing-range chamber Celestia had built for me. We start after her, and end up separating ways after a while. About fifteen minutes later, I'm standing before the Captain of the Royal Guard and the two Princesses. My gun and Shining's gun are both on the table before us.

"Before we approve the use of this weaponry, I want to ensure that it will not end up in the wrong hooves, claws, paws, or even hands. Luna and I have decided that it will be enchanted so only that weapons' lawful and rightful owner could ever utilize it. Does this seem like an acceptable solution?"

"Yeah - of course!" I cry in excitement. "Think of how easy it would be to track down a killer - if only they could ever use their gun, then identifying which gun the bullet came from and finding out who owns the gun will tell you who a killer is!"

Celestia seems to just go along with it - I doubt that had been her original idea. "Now, you said something about making 'rubber bullets' - bullets that could cause welts but not serious damage or death. I would like to be able to easily produce these bullets before any of these weapons are employed by the Royal Guard. I do not wish for any of my little ponies to die unless it is in the name of justice and as a court ruling; and even then I am apprehensive." I nod in understanding. I'd like to say that I admire her devotion to her people, but I actually admire her ability to genuinely bullshit more. Y'know - politicians.

"Uh, by the way," I begin, smiling sheepishly as I approach the desk. Celestia raises an eyebrow at me. "Could I keep my gun? Y'know - for recreational reasons?"

"Pray tell, how in Equestria wouldst thou use an instrument of death in a recreational manner?" I'm pretty sure I don't need to say who asked me that question. (It was obviously the lampshade.)

"Setting up rudimentary shooting ranges," I explain. "Shooting cans...also, I really like guns, 'cus they're totally awesome, so I could just have one to carry it around - with no bullets in it, of course - I would feel like a total badass."

Celestia looks me over a few times before sighing. "Go ahead; take it."

"'Tia!" Luna exclaims. "Surely thou art not going to let him carry this death maker in public!?"

"I've got to agree with Luna on this one," Shining Armor points out. "How do we know he won't try anything?" I frown as I feel slightly insulted.

"He gave us detailed instructions on how to make more for our guards and he's working to improve them so you may use the more effectively," she points out. "If he's smart enough to re-make technology from his home world, I'd say he's smart enough to be wise with his firearm."

I smile as I thank her for sticking up for me. She tells me not to expect it too often, as it was only a statement of facts and she didn't feel like debating the subject with me. I'm a bit disconcerted by that, but I just shrug it off.

After a few more talking points and questions, Shining Armor is sent to wait outside. (He had answered several questions pertaining to handling, so he wasn't totally useless.) Confused as to the necessity of privacy, I voice my question.

"I would like to speak to you about my sister," Celestia responds. Luna blushes a bit. "As you know, Lu-Lu was only recently brought back to this world as her sane self." I nod. "As such, she does not have many friends from the modern age." I nod again. "Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would spend the night with her - not as a sexual partner, but as a friend."

"Soo...you want us to hang out?" I infer, pointing between Luna and myself. Celestia nods.

"But 'Tia! We have so much work to do! Surly thou must know of it!?"

"Yes, I know. And I know that you haven't stopped working in an attempt to win the hearts of Canterlot nobles. It's not like the old days, Lu-Lu: politicians don't care about hard work anymore."

"They never have," Luna mutters under her breath. Celestia ignores her as she makes her final point.

"You deserve - and need - a break."

Luna sighs in exasperation before nodding again. "Fine. But if Our work reaches thine ceiling when thy sun hath risen, ye shall feel the scourge of my wrath."

Celestia giggles lightly. "Oh, I'm sure I will," she teases her younger sister. "Now, go on - go play with Peter."

Luna lets out a grunt of exasperation. "'Tia, We are not a child!" She declares, before huffing and turning towards the door. "Come, Peter - let us leave her to her silly jokes."

I have to hold back laughter as I lead Luna to the chambers Celestia assigned to me while I'm working for her.

Tonight is gonna be...interesting.

Once we're in my room, Luna comments on how it's decorated. I nod in appreciation.

As always, the walls are bare of any decoration, bar the television facing the bed. There's a wardrobe, a dresser, and a double-sized four-poster bed. I don't know why it's double sized - I'm the only one that sleeps in here, after all.

"So, uh..." I peel my sneakers off. "What d'you wanna do?"

"We are interested in what television has to offer," she declares.

"Not much," I grumble in response. "Since it's new, the first shows are kind of stabs into uncharted territories. Most of them really suck - they're, like, crappy sitcoms. Not even eighties crappy - just poorly written and executed."

"Ah," Luna responds. "Well, we would like to experience one anyway."

I nod as I turn on the television and tune it to a channel that plays mostly sitcoms. I flop down on the bed, and Luna lies on her back next to me. I silently thank Celestia for giving me a double sized bed, or this could be very awkward.

A new show starts up - one that's been hyped up in commercials for a week or so - and I can't help but be intrigued. Honestly, it doesn't look half bad. I soon find out that it's not half bad, and is actually rather well done. It seems as though they decided to translate the process used in making plays over to television, so the quality in playwrights is more or less being carried over, too.

The show is about a "mechanic" - if you can call it that - that makes specialized pony-drawn carriages for various clients. Some of the clients are very quirky and want the strangest things, which requires this mechanic to go out and retrieve these odd things. At times, she's taken out of her element when she's doing this and becomes uncomfortable - which is where most of the punchlines reside. Luna and I end up laughing as we watch, and the Princess of the Night sympathizes with the main character, as she herself is far out of her comfort zone as she sits next to me on a bed attempting to relax.

"Well, that wasn't half bad," I admit as the show ends. I switch off the television as I turn to face a still-giggling Luna. "So, what now?"

She looks over at me, and I can't help but notice how pretty she looks like this - smiling and giggling with her eyes shining like the stars within her ethereal mane. For a moment, I'm lost within the beauty of her eyes, but she snaps me out of it with a gentle prod.

"Lost in Our eyes?" She asks with a snicker. I stammer for a bit as I attempt to explain. "Don't worry; We understand. Our eyes contain the night sky, as well - all the beauty of the universe is within these humble irises. When a pony looks into them, they see the whole of the universe and can no longer look away."

"Ah," I repeat, my face heating up as I attempt to avoid her eyes. "Better not look too long, then, huh?"

She giggles. "Yes, or you may lose your will to stop," she teases me. At least, I hope she's teasing. "Ah...that was enjoyable. What shall we enjoy now?"

I scratch my chin in thought before I decide to turn on the gaming console I have hooked up to the television. It's the only console model that was successfully commissioned and commercialized by a company. That company is none other than PonyGames, Incorporated. (Cool name, right?) The console was named the "Pony Entertainment System", or the PES. Ironically, it resembles a Sega more than anything.

"Here," I announce. "Try this out."

She nods as she takes the controller from my hands. After observing the enlarged buttons, made for pony use, she watches the screen as stuff starts to happen. The game I have in the console right now is...weird, to say the least. Since I only made the console and let the company make their own games, and therefore a new gaming culture, I don't really recognize most of the games. However, it seems as though the universe holds constants for video games, as the game that's in the console right now is a sorta weird version of Sonic the Hedgehog.

As most gamers would know, Sonic the Hedgehog was designed as he was to mimic the human anatomy. However, if there were a profound lack of humans in a world, then Sonic wouldn't be bipedal. He'd reflect whatever species made the game.

If there were more than one sapient species in the world, however, then whatever species is idolized in fantasy would be used. So, the species that most ponies find to be "awesome" was made into a blue, spiky speedster that can turn into a ball. And for the species chosen...it sort of makes sense.

Luna presses Start on the controller, and Sonic the Dragon begins. I give her some tips and pointers on how to play, and soon enough she's playing pretty well.

If only I had known...

Two Hours Later...

"Nonono- awwwww!" I shout as I fall to my untimely death.

"My turn~!" Luna chirps happily, haven dropped her regal demeanor as we played. My shoulders sag as I plug the small controller back into the larger one - it's done so that either a child or a species with fingers can play First Player with a smaller controller and not have to unplug the larger one.

"Watch out for that!" I declare, pointing to what's about to spring out and hit her. She deftly avoids it and, with a devilish grin, easily breezes past the part I had died on. "Nicely done," I admit.

"Come on, come on," she growls as she approaches a checkpoint. An enemy randomly hops up from a hole in the ground and she loses all of her rings. She scoffs and groans as she collects a few and then continues. (By the way, the rings constituting your health in this game is rationalized by the fact that Sonic the Dragon is collecting golden rings for his hoard. Losing the rings makes your hoard return to "zero".)

About an hour later, I'm yawning in exhaustion. Luna looks to me with a sympathetic smile as I begin to drift off.

"Alas," she begins, "the nighttime brings sleep, and with it my friends must depart to my realm of dreams."

I blink at the revelation. "Your realm of dreams?"

"Yes. I over watch all dreams, and may intervene if necessary."

I give it a moment's thought. "Hey, we could hang in my dreams," I suggest. "Since you're totally awake, why not do that?"

Luna frowns at me. "Are you sure? To alter your dream to allow for us to enjoy ourselves would be...invasive, at best. And to overtake your dream for my personal benefit...I would be using your subconscious to enjoy myself."

I give her a flat glare. "Luna, it was my idea. You wouldn't be using me. We'd just be hanging out. Seriously, can't you just hang with me in my dream for a bit?" I add on a small pout towards the end. While I am tired, I don't want to stop hanging out with Luna. She's really fun to hang with, even though she could be caustic or hard to understand at times.

After seemingly debating the subject for several moments, she sighs and relents. "Alright," she responds. "Alright...we can continue this game within thy dreams."

I smile at her. "Sounds good," I announce. She blushes as I begin to get ready for sleep.

"You...do realize that...something like this is...intimate?" She asks me. "To spend time within your subconscious during which I'm acting less as your guardian and more as your companion...it could become very intimate, and we could become...attached to one another. In dream and reality."

I shrug that off, too. "Stop worrying and get in my dream already," I sigh. "Jesus, Luna, you've got to stop thinking so much and live a little. I'll see you in my dreams." With that, I nestle into my pillow and curl into a small ball, as I always do when I sleep. I realize how creepy that last thing I said to her sounded as I begin to slowly drift from consciousness. I become aware of a faint glow as I slip away.


"So...we...did we, like...do anything..."

"No, we did not partake in anything beyond the level of intimacy we have currently achieved."

I nod with a sigh of relief. I don't remember my dream much, but I do remember that what Luna had warned me about had happened. Which is why I ended up waking up to find my arm around the Princess of the Night and my face buried in the soft fur of her chest. She was holding me as I slept, as we had apparently shared very deep secrets in our dream and become cuddle buddies. Luna started to cuddle me in real life due to the emotional attachment she had developed, and I must admit that I'm enjoying it.

"Good," I whisper. I let out a sigh as I nuzzle her chest, blushing as I revel in the closeness between us. I absolutely love cuddling, and whenever I get a chance to, I go all out.

"You seem to be glad," she remarks, seemingly distant. She's removed her forelegs from around me, leaving me to do all the work. Selfish buttface.

"I am," I respond. "I love cuddling, and I remember a few of the things you told me..." I frown as I squeeze her a bit. "I had no idea you were so lonely, Luna. I'm glad that I get to be here for you - because at least you'll be happy."

Luna smiles warmly at me before returning her forelegs to where they belong. I smile as we cuddle, and Luna nuzzles the crown of my head.

"Thank you," she whispers to me. "I was afraid We had alienated you..." I suppress a tsk of irritation as she switches back to the royal We. Again. "We have never had many close friends..."

"Looks like I have the privilege of being one of them," I announce. "Now, shut up and enjoy it."

She giggles lightly before shutting her eyes. I shut my own as the sun continues its ascent. Luna's time to sleep has come, and I will stay with her for as long as I can.

Thank goodness Equestrian society permits close friends to cuddle without being anything more than friends...it makes life so much more...bearable.

Author's Note:

Yay for autocorrect
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