Today has been a weird day, but telling you this right now will leave you just as confused as I was when I first saw her. So I’ll start from the beginning, I woke up early, like I do every day because after being in the military for four years it’s a bit of an impulse. I looked to my clock, 0600, on a Saturday, a freaking Saturday. Mumbling under my breath I got out of bed, my body still wouldn’t let me sleep in, I’ve been out for nearly a year and I still can’t sleep in.
I made my way to my dresser and grabbed a pair of gym pants, I didn’t need to change my shirt, I was going to take a shower after I got done with my run anyway. I walked out of my apartment; just to be greeted by one of the most annoying people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
“Hey there Aedan!” Larry said waving his hand enthusiastically, “Goin’ on a run?”
“What was your first clue?” I said rolling my eyes; he always asked me that in the mornings. His real name was Lenard, but he preferred Larry, he was a bit too cheery for my taste, but I always tried to entertain him in conversation.
“Well you always run and you’re wearing your trademarked gym pants.” He said pointing to my legs.
“Good job Sherlock…” I said, “You caught me.”
“You know that I’m quite the observer.” Larry said rather proudly, “It’s part of my charm.” I started to walk off but I was stopped by Larry calling my name yet again. “Hey man. My girlfriend and I are going to a party in a few weeks at the plaza, think you could make it?”
“Shouldn’t the person throwing the party do the inviting?”
“I don’t think she’ll mind if I bring a few guests.” Larry replied, “So whatda say?”
“I’ll have to check my schedule.” I said, knowing that the only thing I really needed to do was work, eat and sleep. And with everything happening in my life I needed to do it in that order.
“Oh, Ok.” Larry said waving, “I’ve kept you long enough, see you when you get back.”
“I doubt it.” I said walking down the staircase; it’s not that I was trying to avoid him. Ok, well maybe I was, but I’ve known Larry ever since I moved in almost a year ago and he was a good guy, but on the weekends I ran for hours on end, it was my way of letting go of all the problems I had for a short time. Not to mention he went to work on weekends to help pay his rent.
It didn’t take long for me to make it to the park that was one of the main reasons I chose that flat, it wasn’t the cheapest, but it was only a block from the one place I could really let go. I entered through the main gate and picked my usual path, I knew that it wouldn’t be very crowded for another three hours at least, that’s when all the families and couples young and old show up, which is also my cue to leave the place. There’d be too many people, too many eyes on me. If you haven’t guessed yet, I don’t like being stared at. I looked to my wrist watch, 06:10, plenty of time to get a good run in before everyone starts showing up.
About an hour had passed, the sun started to shine its golden beams over the park, replacing the cold night air with the warm welcoming heat of the early summer. It felt good, really good just to know that at that moment my only care was putting one foot in front of the other. That phrase had become far more special to me in the past year, one foot in front of the other, recovering from losses and still pushing forward. One foot in front of the other, it just empowered me.
The conversation I was having with myself was cut short however. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw something in the tree line. A deer I thought, that was strange, deer don’t normally come this close to the city. Why the hell would a deer be in the city? As I ran closer I got another shock, this deer already had its antlers, in May? None of it made any since, first off a deer this close to the city, second it already had its antlers in May, third why the hell was it running towards me?
Wait, the deer was actually coming towards me? This is NOT a normal deer; in fact this was the ballsyest deer I’d ever seen. I tried to avoid it but it’s a deer, I’m a human... it’s faster. In a massive thud the deer ran into me, sending the two of us flying into the air.
Fortunately nothing popped loose, but there was something off about this deer. After it ran into me it didn’t try to run away, it just stayed there lying on my chest. Then I felt something else, feathers, this deer had feathers. I was thoroughly confused, because lying on top of me was a deer with wings that didn’t run away from me the instant I saw it. But the ultimate surprise came in the seconds after I regained my bearing.
“H-hello?” it said in a refined feminine voice, “D-do you understand me?”
It was about this time that I thought I’d hit my head harder than I thought. Because now this deer was talking to me, I’m not exactly sure how out of it I was, but I answered it.
“Yeah…” I said rubbing my head, “Now could you please get off of me?”
“Oh, Celestia I apologize…” it replied when I felt its weight come off of me, “I didn’t mean to harm you, I just wish to know where I am, I’m very fortunate you’re fluent in Equestrian.”
“Celestia?” I said, “Equestrian? I’m not sure about you but I speak-“
It was then that I finally opened my eyes again, and what I saw I couldn’t believe. What I thought was a deer wasn’t a deer at all, instead it was a small horse, but it was different from any other horse I’d ever seen. It was a deep blue color for starters, sporting a horn like a unicorn and a set of wings. It had huge cobalt eyes, its hair and tail waved in some kind of imaginary wind; finally it looked like it had some kind of tattoo on her butt.
“That’s it…” I said struggling to my feet, “I’ve officially gone insane.”
“I assure you that you’re not insane creature.” she said, “I’m just as real as you.”
“And I’m Barney the dinosaur.”
“I am honored to meet your acquaintance, Barney.” She replied bowing her head, “I am Princess Luna, the mare of the night.”
“My real name’s not Barney… that’s-” I face palmed, I was actually holding a conversation with a figment of my imagination. “I’m going to see a doctor…” I told myself walking past Princess Leia or whatever she called herself.
“HOLD DINOSAUR!” she exclaimed actually grabbing my leg, “Please You cannot leave me in such a place!”
“Why not?” I asked, “You’re not real.”
“Because… I wish to return home…” Luna whimpered reaching for my hand, her eyes were starting to well up but they only allowed a single tear flow down her face.
Then I felt I had to help her, even if she wasn’t real, because when I was fourteen a little girl, no older than four gave me that look, that look has been burned into my mind.
“Alright…” I said letting out a sigh.
“THANK YOU!” Luna cried jumping onto me, knocking me back on my ass. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“No… Problem…” I said struggling for air in her embrace, for something not real, she was pretty freaking strong for her size. When she finally let me go, mostly due to my weak coughing, I stammered to my feet again and looked around.
“But if I’m gonna help you; we’ll need to get back to my apartment.”
“Apartment? Ah your quarters... Where would that be located?”
“Just follow me…” I said starting to walk off, “But given the near impossible chance you’re actually real we’ll have to sneak around to the flat.”
“There is no need for such crude means of stealth.” Luna said nodding her head, “For I can do this.”
Her horn began to glow and after a few seconds she had faded into nothing. I froze for a few seconds listening for any kind of sound. “Ok…” I said looking around, “It’s gone now…”
“I still remain dinosaur.” Luna replied much to my surprise, “I await your further guidance.”
“I’m losing my mind…” I said to myself starting to run back to my flat.
It took about fifteen minutes to get back to the flat, the other residents were starting to wake up, but then again it was a weekend, most of them were still asleep. Running up the stairs I finally arrived at my apartment, only to be met again by Larry.
“Well you’re back early.” He said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder, “What gives?”
“I’m not feeling too good Larry.” I said rummaging through my pockets for my keys, “I’m gonna be sleeping it off for the rest of the day.”
“Oh that’s too bad.” Larry said with concern, when I finally found them “Maybe I should call my girlfriend, she is a nurse you know.”
“NO!” I exclaimed, opening the door and spooking Larry to the point he jumped away from me, “I mean no, but thanks for the concern. I think some rest is all I need.”
“Well ok…” Larry said still concerned, “I hope you-“
SLAM! I closed the door before he could finish. Pressing my back against my door I let out a sigh of relief, “Thank god I’m so antisocial…” I said, “But seeing and feeling things that aren’t real is a new thing for me.”
“As I have explained to you before…” a voice said directly in front of me. “I’m just as real as you.”
Suddenly Luna appeared only inches away from my face, her hair brushing against my face. “This isn’t happening…” I said shaking my head.
“That’s what I told myself when I appeared here just a few hours ago.” Luna said, “I was standing on the castle balcony one moment then in the next I’m in the middle of a forest and I’m running into the strangest creature I’ve ever seen.”
“And that was?”
“You…”
“Me?”
“Yes you…” she answered looking around “Barney are there any others here than the ones you ran past and the one you called ‘Larry’?”
“The world’s full of ‘em.” I said “Which begs the question, who the hell are you?”
“I thought I made that perfectly clear Barney.”
“Aedan…”
“Excuse me?”
“My name is actually Aedan.”
“Very well then, Aedan.” Luna continued, “I am Luna, pony princess of Equestria and keeper of the night.”
“A princess?” I asked raising my eyebrow.
“Yes, a princess.” Luna said, “And I expect to be addressed as such.”
“Well, Princess…” I said standing up, “We aren’t in Equester… and you’re in my home… not to mention I can change my mind about helping you at any given moment.”
That was the biggest buff I’ve ever made, I couldn’t let her out onto the streets. Who knows what sick perverted individuals would find her and do god knows what to her if I did that. Fortunately it worked, she backed away from me and bowed.
“Forgive me lord Aedan,” she replied “I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds, after all you were kind enough to help me. Now I shall be your humble guest.”
No one talked like that anymore, so formal, so proper. It actually made me feel like royalty for a second, but that thought passed my mind quickly for a more obvious one. How the hell was she going to fit in around here?
“Luna…”
“Princess Luna.” She replied, “At least give me that respect.”
“Princess Luna…” I reiterated, “Can you do that invisible thing all the time?”
“No.” she said, “At most I can do that for an hour, but I can transform into other beings for a much longer time.”
“Can you turn into something like me?”
“Truthfully, that is unknown,” Luna said looking me up and down, “Magic like that has yet to be done… But I can surely try.”
Her horn began to glow again, kicking off the shoes she had on a bright light began to surround her. Within seconds, she was completely covered by the light. I could see her shadow from inside; I was at a loss for words as I saw her shadow change from a pony into something that looked more and more human. Until finally the light faded away revealing a young woman, probably about my age or a bit younger stepping towards me. After the initial awe faded I noticed something completely different. She was naked head to toe, minus her crown and necklace.
So, let me just have a quick recap. Within just the first few hours of the day, I’ve been run over, met a talking pony who says she’s a princess, I’ve actually agreed to help her even though I have no idea how I can, and now she’s completely naked and just a few feet away from me. So yeah, me saying today being a weird day is a major understatement.
2807935 Ok... well...
first off... Aedan will have some traits like me, I'll admit that... but he's mostly his own person, his own faults, his own fears, likes, needs... etc...
second this isn't human in Equestria... this is pony in our world...
third... this has Luna... not Celestia... and as far as I recall, Aedan might not even fall for Luna, this is a science of life fic as well as romance, she may just help him find a girl on earth... never be so quick to judge, I'm betting you hate it and you didn't even bother to attempt to read it.
2807935 glad to see you bothered to correct yourself
2807993 But did you bother to even read it? That's what I'm most curious about.
2807935
First Off: Don't speak for me
Second: Don't speak for me!
Third: DON'T SPEAK FOR ME!
Try to write YOUR opinions as YOUR opinions, not mine, or anyone else's
So to correct them to observations that I have seen:
1. Be careful with Self-Inserts, even partials. They are not very well-received.
2. Pony in earth huh, better have a real good reason, because see above point.
3. ... I got nothing to fix this, this is wrong as per my observations.
2808043 Thanks for the input, I'll be sure to keep all of that in mind, now let's drop the subject and enjoy (or hate) what I'll be writing.
2808072 So, as for my own observations:
Everything seems to be moving rather fast. I hope you have something epic, or moderately so, lined up for how/why she 'poofed' into our world. The speech she uses is fairly one dimensional, and I am not really getting any emotion, or character, from it. The way I see Luna, is she would have a more 'Royal' air, for lack of a better term, regardless of where she may be located at the time. I would expect her to say: "Wait creature! If you would be so kind; where am I?" rather than beg him not to leave. Or even better, since he said he was Barney the Dinosaur, "Hold dinosaur! If you would be so kind; where am I?"
I am not saying I hate it, but it kind of seemed like half of it was left behind on the editing room floor, if you catch my drift.
2808127 Truthfully I could use another editor (my last one dipped out on me after going over this chapter...) would you mind helping me out here?
not to mention my last story was criticized for being slow at the start... I was planing to slow it down as it went along, but the end product would still be similar
Not normally a fan of humans, but I'll give it a go.
Who would want to live in a scum hole like St Louis? Whole town smells like cat pee. KANSAS CITY, WOOH!!!!
Hmmm this is pretty cool, I seriously can't wait for the next chapter.
Please tell me when you do.
So far so good. I love princess Luna. She's awesome
2808146 I wish that I could assist. Sadly, I do not have the time, as I am working with 3 other authors, on 4 different stories.
As for the too slow portion, I will have to read the previous story to see.
Story speed is a very delicate balance. Picture it much like a symphony. The tempo has to flow with the intent behind the notes. It's the same for a story. You change the level of detail, and the style of immersion, based upon what mood you want the story to convey at that time.
A helpful hint: Make an outline, and after each bullet point, write out the mood(s) you wish to convey for each point. This will help you when you flesh out the chapter. If you find yourself with a chapter that has only one mood, you may want to see if that mood can actually carry the chapter. This is usually not the case.
2810355 Hey I understand, being military myself I know what it feels like to be bogged down with work, again I thank you for the pointers and if you continue to read this I hope I don't disappoint you
Luna gets an F in sarcasm.
Mmmkay. You PM'ed me asking for a review, so a review is what I'll do.
I'll even be nice and read the whole thing and comment on each one.
First things to note: this seems to be nothing too terribly special. Namely because it's been done before. Not a bad thing, just been done. Still, the ratio you got so far is nothing to sniff at.
Aside from the admittedly bland opening and slightly OOC characters, you've a solid, yet slow start.
~Skeeter The Lurker
1 Awesome story
2 can anyone tell me how to ues the italic icon thing?
3043035
Thanks... but you've only read the first chapter...
and all you have to do is click on the I up on the top of the comment box, and write whatever you want in between the i's ITALICIZE ALL THE WORDS!!!
Lol I liked the ending to this chapter. You made me laugh.
3620285
Funny...the people I work with say I have no sense of humor...
LOL! so funny! XD
"HOLD DINOSAUR!"
Best line of the story so far.
Best.Story.Evarrr!!!!!
3620347
Meh. Muscles are required, intelligence not essential. I guess that's kinda ironic, as some of the Jarheads I work with are smarter than the average bear, which is pretty damn smart,
food hoarding bastards.3620347
Meh. Muscles are required, intelligence not essential. I guess that's kinda ironic, as some of the Jarheads I work with are smarter than the average bear, which is pretty damn smart,
the food hoarding bastards.The best thing that you can tell to a pony princess
If you listen closely you will hear a faint whistle sound followed by the words of "YOU LUCKY BASTARD!" that would be me
Welp, That's what you get for sassing the Princess of Night, Barney.
Awesome first chapter I'm betting the rest
of the story is just as great!
Just finished chapter 1 and I already like this story
Judging by your seven hundred likes, you didn't f### this up.
4377173
Well thanks, and this is pretty rough compared to the stuff I'm working on now. There are actually plans to beef up the story itself, improve on the grammar and fix certain plot-related issues.
I give this a 50 out of 10
...It's only been 30 seconds...
5037939
...Make that a 500.
*bluff
Oh I see, is that supposed to be a jab at bronies?
It better be. It made me laugh.
MADNESS THIS IS ... Oh hi um. BAD
Man, he's kinda an asshole to that Larry guy. He reminds me of that donkey from the show itself.
One thing I found really odd is that he can take Luna for a deer at all. I know you say out the corner of his eye, but she is there for what seems like a little while and she is bright blue! That is something you notice.
1 chapter in and off to a strong start.
hey aeden.
Hey larry.
so, an-
Fuck off larry.
.....
Just kidding dude. This is awesome.
5624379 You'd be surprised what people will pass something off as or ignore in order to maintain their sense of what's normal and what's not.
alright I had stop reading for a sec to make a comment. why would Luna say "oh Celestia" ? That would be like god saying "oh god" if he/she/it (whatever the fuck god is) was talking about that other well known god or something who is of equal if not lesser power. Look its just confusing.
6266437
I agree with this.
Also, I can't buy the idea that someone could mistake Luna for a deer if they supposedly saw her well enough to see her 'antlers'. What the hell was that about? Unicorn/alicorn horns look nothing like antlers. Was she wearing a glamour?
Lolz
Holy Batman, that's a lot of run ons!
Whatda? Not what d'ya? I hate the guy already.