The Royal Guard mare, Jeannedarc, seeks a sword from a smith in Ponyville, only to meet her first human, and the relationship they share will enrich their lives in ways they never even dared to dream.
The wait was long, the pain from such a good story being delayed was horrible, but I must say, it was definitely worth the wait to get to read this, and to top it off, you made it worth the read with such a good length as well! Now then, while length isn't everything (That's what she said! ), it was spectacular, especially with the detail you put into this piece of work! Attention to detail... you snagged it perfectly, and I only saw a single error out of it all, but hey, I don't know where it is! Once I started reading, I couldn't stop, so what do you know, here I am, at the end, without even a hint to where that single error resides... xD
Galen made that sword with his heart and soul, now that lets you know that she is a special somepony to him, even if he hasn't fully admitted it to himself yet. but there is something that is bothering me... romance is too slow! lol... no, in all honesty, it is moving perfectly.
I hate to skip to the end, but I won't be leaving a massive review like I did that one time, so you must be content with this smaller review. But for the end of this chapter, I must say, Jeanne is worried about sleeping in his bed? lol... what, will our dear human friend here wake up to see a sleeping Pegasus with a mad case of morning Wing?
Now... the wait begins. DO YOUR WORST ACCURSED TIME!!!
The editing really shows and it is well done for the greater part. I saw a little error here and there, form instead go from for example, but nothing annoying. if i may offer a suggestion…this story is heavily on our human friends side, we learned about him, and that's great, but i was hoping to know a little about Jeanne as etiquette dictates in reciprocating conversation. if this was intentional, then no problem. i was also thinking to see some reactions of the ponies in town as they walked about. From what i gather humans are still pretty new here, so not everypony likes them (especially if they know what we are like here ha ha.)
Otherwise lovely and light, smooth to read, pleasant imagery for the senses. worth the wait.
Lovely as always, but I am worried a little that something will happen that night, while great for conflict it would be a majer setback or even a breaker for real romance
I like it. It is romantic, sugary and sweet, and everyone is happy. But, as much as it helps make it a lovely story, it falls short in the sense that nothing happens.
For example, everyone is happy about everything. Not once have Galen and Jeanne disagreed over something, and not once have their lovey dovey scenes had any real thing going for them. I started thinking: "just kiss already! Before they even started going to the bridge.
But, it does not make it a bad story, not at all. But try to make something more happen, either around them, or in their heads.
Hey Jaydex, you missed a few things while editing. While reading I will post the mistakes so you can correct them.
“I’m fine. Just lost in though.”
"though" should be "thought"
but the romantic lure or this place was too strong to pass up.
change "or" to "of"
“No, I haven’t been with a anyone for months now.”
Git rid of the "a" between "with" and "anyone"
“Jeanne, why don’t you spent the night at my place?”
change "spent" to spend.
While this may have been nitpicking, I felt I should bring these to your attention so you could get the corrections done and over with. Oh, before I forget, I enjoyed the chapter and have come to expect the heartwarming moments your stories bring. I can't wait until your next chapter. Then again you probably already know that.
Although I wish this was updated more often, I really enjoy this story. It really has a nice slice of life feel, without being extremely boring or wordy. I would, however, like to see a less formal form of wording.
I read this last night and decided I'd sleep on it before I posted anything reviewish. So, y'know, in my humble opinion...
Even from the beginning of this chapter, I just wanted it to end. Nothing happened. No conflicts resolved, no conflicts started... nothing. It was a big ol' bag of two people agreeing with eachother on everything. That rarely happens in real life, and should never happen in a story.
You also seem to have a problem with "show versus tell." About half way through I noticed that I was having a lot of trouble imagining the characters' interactions with eachother, so I started reading more carefully. Multiple times in the narration you'd have something along the lines of "she was happy," "he was giddy," or some other random emotion.
Now, sometimes—rarely, but sometimes—saying how someone feels is okay, but when it's repeated like this, it's not. See, when humans see other humans, they don't automatically, telepathically sense the other human's emotion. They gauge the other's emotion by its physical manifestation. For example, saying Jeanne "laughed giddily" is much more expressive than just slapping the reader with "she felt giddy." When you do that, the eeader's mind has to fill in her facial expression and bearing while still reading, which distracts from the narrative.
Now, I realize this is a text wall, and I'm sorry if it looks condescending. I don't mean to offend in any way. I'm not saying your story's bad, but it could definitely use some improvement.
3943499 Thank you for giving me some things to consider. I can take this to heart for my other HiE romances as well. And chapter 5 will give me a good opportunity to see what I can do with say, a few ponies not too thrilled with humans and humans dating mares for that matter.
Oh and don't worry, we will be getting more about Jeanne, chapter 4 will help with that and since she is the star along with Galen, each chapter will offer up more and more about her. I'll double check what's planned in chapter 4, but I know there is more revealed about her and from her thoughts. Out of curiosity, what sort of things are you eager to know. Just in case I missed anything obvious. Just keep in mind, some things about each character will be kept in reserve on purpose. Thanks for your helpful comment!
3944747 Yeah, I know. To some, it seems like nothing happens for the most part in my stories. But you just need to be patient and wait till I get to the turbulent parts ( the same can be said of my Celestia story). Right now, Galen and Jeanne are falling for each other and are in "the lovers' haze". Once it passes there is bound to be some bumps in the road. Chapter 4 has a few things that should help add a little spice to the situation and even if it falls short, chapter 5 will help deliver for sure. I forget where I said it, but with a Royal Guard in a story there is bound to be some excitement with adventure-based elements. So just bear that in mind. All I know is after chapter 5, things should just keep getting better with this story.
As for your prediction on when they have sex, I can tell you now that you are wrong on the number of chapters. But, I won't say by how many, plus or minus.
Sweet a new chapter I can't wait for the next one, keep up the good work . (also I like all the little hints to your other stories) anyways I can't wait to the next chapter.
3952502 Hmm, now I have to wonder... What will the conflict be about... You can either use the three cliches: 1: Parents don't like one of them (In this case, Jeanne's parents would be the antagonist/s) 2: A misunderstanding when one of them is found in an awkward situation, and the other don't believe them. 3: One of them forgets a special date, or ruins an event that meant a lot for the other.
Or do something less used, like: 1: One of them has a weird fetish, and the partner has a hard time accepting it. 2: An omen tells them they can't be together, and one of them believes it. 3: One of them feel chronically depressed, and the other one is failing at cheering him/her up.
I could go on.
Personally, I would go with 1 on the second list, it is pretty hilarious, and we get sexy timez.
3954380 The upcoming conflict has nothing to do with any of the suggested themes you have proposed, but I'd risk spoiling the upcoming events if I even hint at it. You'll just have to hang in there until chapter 5. FYI, a fetish will factor in, but not in the way number 1 of list 2 suggests. That's the only hint on anything I'm giving at this time.
3943627 As I said in my reply to your PM, I am planning something with Merry Way. I should share the two pieces of concept art I have of her in my blog, so any readers that like her can at least get a rough idea of her appearance, well, minus her maid's outfit.
3945428 If you end up in Equestria, you have to ask yourself, what are you willing to give up in order to be with one of those adorable mares in such an incredible world like theirs?
3946011 You made me lol. But Tirek won't be leading anyone to a flower shop, least not in this story.
3946133 Glad you enjoyed the new chapter. I actually had pizza for lunch today. In fact the place I went inspired my creation of Vinny's, first in Twilight's story and then for it's use again in Jeanne's story.
3943496 Thank you for your detailed and though-filled response to the chapter. It's fine that it's shorter, your comment doesn't need to be set length. I enjoyed reading it anyway.
Galen made that sword with his heart and soul, now that lets you know that she is a special somepony to him, even if he hasn't fully admitted it to himself yet. but there is something that is bothering me... romance is too slow! lol... no, in all honesty, it is moving perfectly.
I'm so glad you seem to understand me and what I'm trying to say, even if it's not all being said in so many words.
As for why Jeanne was worried, you'll find out somewhere in chapter 4. And I'll try not to let so much time go by between updates. I just hope my personal life will afford me some time to write again.
...Why did you delete your reply to my post? *Scratches head*
Herm. Whatever, I'd already read it once anyway. In response: I completely understand. Plenty of people have nice, smooth relationships with no major fights. Perhaps I worded it badly, to I'll reiterate it in a different way here. Basically, what got me was that niether of them ever disagreed with the other. I don't know about you, but I disagree with everyone on something, whether it be something big (creation versus evolution) or something small (do tomatoes taste good on pizza? Answer: NO). The only time people agree with eachother on everything is if they're clones. Which, by the way, would add a creepy level of incest to this story. I don't recommend trying that.
Now, what I'm saying with all of this is... you don't need to have them fight. You don't need them to argue. They just shouldn't agree on everything. It's unrealistic.
Also, seeing as you seemed to like the whole show/tell thing, I'll rehash it in better detail:
The whole thing here is getting the correct stimuli down. Humans have five main senses: touch, smell, hearing, sight, and taste (obviously there are others, like sense of time and sense of orientation, but those are the five main ones). The goal is to use those to show the reader instead of tell them.
Also, that sense of time thing made me remember another thing. You seem to feel as if Galen is on a strict time table. "Five minutes later, half an hour later, etc." he had an impeccable sense of time. Impossible, almost. I'd recommend using more vague terms.
Another thing relating to show/tell is verbage. Is that a word? I think so. Anyway, use strong verbs. Nouns are great, but they're just like seasoning and spice. Verbs are the main course. The simple difference between "peered" and "gazed" can drastically change the mood of a scene from "stalker ish" to "romantic."
As always, this is just my opinion and should not be taken as the las. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, typing on my phone.
I'm enjoying the romance, but you've got 12K+ words here (that's about a quarter of a short novel) and so little actually happens. There's a lot of re-hashing things and repeating things that we've already dealt with/know and quite a few areas that just seemed to drag out so long that I found myself just skimming to get along to something actually happening. I don't want to tell you how to tell your story, but going through this and asking whether something has already been dealt with/said, or whether it actually is important to the story & characters could really help it.
And if you read the latest chapter of Celestia's story, the topic of her returning to Equestria is mentioned and even if it's not blatantly stated, it's a least hinted that she wants Daniel to return with her. And I'll tell you this to clear things up. First, Luna's trip to Earth was never her desision. I was hoping my readers would get the idea that someone set her up, but leave them wondering who and why. Second the same history with humans was first touched upon, very briefly in Luna's story, but was given much more detail in Celestia's. Both stories will see even more details on humanity's past in Equestria. The fun with some ideas is that you can save the juiciest things for later.
And then I got the idea to tie both Luna and Celestia's stories together with Jeanne's. There are more details to the first two stories, but if I say too much, I risk too many spoilers, and I don't want that.
4220924 Gotcha, and I realized found out who the first was after reading the beginning of the 3rd chapter, but this answered some questions. Thank you for clarifying.
12,000+ words?! Are you trying to kill me?
Welcome back Galen, and go get some
This story is much too good to be marred with Murphy's work so I offer these.
Scrapping I think you meant (scraping) and, “and [go ]my job as a blacksmith,” (got) ?
Really like this, keep up the good work.
Sweg
*Tips Fedora*.
In all seriousness though, these two are a bunch of love struck dorks. I enjoy your fics, even if they do not have a whole lot of conflict in them.
Finally an update
This is getting better and better!
The wait was long, the pain from such a good story being delayed was horrible, but I must say, it was definitely worth the wait to get to read this, and to top it off, you made it worth the read with such a good length as well! Now then, while length isn't everything (That's what she said! ), it was spectacular, especially with the detail you put into this piece of work! Attention to detail... you snagged it perfectly, and I only saw a single error out of it all, but hey, I don't know where it is! Once I started reading, I couldn't stop, so what do you know, here I am, at the end, without even a hint to where that single error resides... xD
Galen made that sword with his heart and soul, now that lets you know that she is a special somepony to him, even if he hasn't fully admitted it to himself yet. but there is something that is bothering me... romance is too slow! lol... no, in all honesty, it is moving perfectly.
I hate to skip to the end, but I won't be leaving a massive review like I did that one time, so you must be content with this smaller review. But for the end of this chapter, I must say, Jeanne is worried about sleeping in his bed? lol... what, will our dear human friend here wake up to see a sleeping Pegasus with a mad case of morning Wing?
Now... the wait begins. DO YOUR WORST ACCURSED TIME!!!
The editing really shows and it is well done for the greater part. I saw a little error here and there, form instead go from for example, but nothing annoying. if i may offer a suggestion…this story is heavily on our human friends side, we learned about him, and that's great, but i was hoping to know a little about Jeanne as etiquette dictates in reciprocating conversation. if this was intentional, then no problem. i was also thinking to see some reactions of the ponies in town as they walked about. From what i gather humans are still pretty new here, so not everypony likes them (especially if they know what we are like here ha ha.)
Otherwise lovely and light, smooth to read, pleasant imagery for the senses. worth the wait.
(Gasps) IT'S ALIIIIIVVEEEEEE!!!!!!
Very cute!
They gonna do the horizontal dance with no pants now.
That was sweet and romantic I loved every min of this story one question tho. Will you be writing a story about Merry Way sometime in the future?
Thank you for this beautiful chapter.
Lovely as always, but I am worried a little that something will happen that night, while great for conflict it would be a majer setback or even a breaker for real romance
M'lady *tips fedora*
Beautiful! I loved every word! So romantic, made me feel tingly.
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It's about time!
*reads*
LOL they are so lost in each other
Looking forward to the next update!
I like it. It is romantic, sugary and sweet, and everyone is happy.
But, as much as it helps make it a lovely story, it falls short in the sense that nothing happens.
For example, everyone is happy about everything. Not once have Galen and Jeanne disagreed over something, and not once have their lovey dovey scenes had any real thing going for them. I started thinking: "just kiss already! Before they even started going to the bridge.
But, it does not make it a bad story, not at all. But try to make something more happen, either around them, or in their heads.
Also, I call sex in 3 chapters.
AWESOME!!! Keep the chapters an kool stories coming :D
I would certainly lament the loss of meat like steak and chicken, but I suppose I could live with eating fish and eggs for the big proteins.
glad to see this update also when I read the line
I could have sworn that said 'Then Tirek eventually took them to the flower shop.'
Yes finally I've waited for this to update and I'm not dissapointed it was excellent now if you'll excuse me I GOTTA GO GET ME A PIZZA !!!
Hey Jaydex, you missed a few things while editing. While reading I will post the mistakes so you can correct them.
"though" should be "thought"
change "or" to "of"
Git rid of the "a" between "with" and "anyone"
change "spent" to spend.
While this may have been nitpicking, I felt I should bring these to your attention so you could get the corrections done and over with. Oh, before I forget, I enjoyed the chapter and have come to expect the heartwarming moments your stories bring. I can't wait until your next chapter. Then again you probably already know that.
… Man I'm hungry as dicks.
Although I wish this was updated more often, I really enjoy this story. It really has a nice slice of life feel, without being extremely boring or wordy.
I would, however, like to see a less formal form of wording.
I read this last night and decided I'd sleep on it before I posted anything reviewish. So, y'know, in my humble opinion...
Even from the beginning of this chapter, I just wanted it to end. Nothing happened. No conflicts resolved, no conflicts started... nothing. It was a big ol' bag of two people agreeing with eachother on everything. That rarely happens in real life, and should never happen in a story.
You also seem to have a problem with "show versus tell." About half way through I noticed that I was having a lot of trouble imagining the characters' interactions with eachother, so I started reading more carefully. Multiple times in the narration you'd have something along the lines of "she was happy," "he was giddy," or some other random emotion.
Now, sometimes—rarely, but sometimes—saying how someone feels is okay, but when it's repeated like this, it's not. See, when humans see other humans, they don't automatically, telepathically sense the other human's emotion. They gauge the other's emotion by its physical manifestation. For example, saying Jeanne "laughed giddily" is much more expressive than just slapping the reader with "she felt giddy." When you do that, the eeader's mind has to fill in her facial expression and bearing while still reading, which distracts from the narrative.
Now, I realize this is a text wall, and I'm sorry if it looks condescending. I don't mean to offend in any way. I'm not saying your story's bad, but it could definitely use some improvement.
3942850 that nothing, if you read "The Lost Element" by Humanity. each chapter can be anywhere from 12-45k words XD
3943061
Thank you so much for pointing out those few typos. They have been fixed. Thanks again!
3943499
Thank you for giving me some things to consider. I can take this to heart for my other HiE romances as well. And chapter 5 will give me a good opportunity to see what I can do with say, a few ponies not too thrilled with humans and humans dating mares for that matter.
Oh and don't worry, we will be getting more about Jeanne, chapter 4 will help with that and since she is the star along with Galen, each chapter will offer up more and more about her. I'll double check what's planned in chapter 4, but I know there is more revealed about her and from her thoughts. Out of curiosity, what sort of things are you eager to know. Just in case I missed anything obvious. Just keep in mind, some things about each character will be kept in reserve on purpose. Thanks for your helpful comment!
3944747
Yeah, I know. To some, it seems like nothing happens for the most part in my stories. But you just need to be patient and wait till I get to the turbulent parts ( the same can be said of my Celestia story). Right now, Galen and Jeanne are falling for each other and are in "the lovers' haze". Once it passes there is bound to be some bumps in the road. Chapter 4 has a few things that should help add a little spice to the situation and even if it falls short, chapter 5 will help deliver for sure. I forget where I said it, but with a Royal Guard in a story there is bound to be some excitement with adventure-based elements. So just bear that in mind. All I know is after chapter 5, things should just keep getting better with this story.
As for your prediction on when they have sex, I can tell you now that you are wrong on the number of chapters. But, I won't say by how many, plus or minus.
3947234
Thank you for pointing those out. I've fixed all four of those. I appreciate it!
Finally got around to reading this chapter. It was well and truly worth the wait.
3952530
Glad to hear it, my friend! BTW, good hearing from you!
Sweet a new chapter I can't wait for the next one, keep up the good work . (also I like all the little hints to your other stories) anyways I can't wait to the next chapter.
3952502
Hmm, now I have to wonder... What will the conflict be about...
You can either use the three cliches:
1: Parents don't like one of them (In this case, Jeanne's parents would be the antagonist/s)
2: A misunderstanding when one of them is found in an awkward situation, and the other don't
believe them.
3: One of them forgets a special date, or ruins an event that meant a lot for the other.
Or do something less used, like:
1: One of them has a weird fetish, and the partner has a hard time accepting it.
2: An omen tells them they can't be together, and one of them believes it.
3: One of them feel chronically depressed, and the other one is failing at cheering him/her up.
I could go on.
Personally, I would go with 1 on the second list, it is pretty hilarious, and we get sexy timez.
3954380
The upcoming conflict has nothing to do with any of the suggested themes you have proposed, but I'd risk spoiling the upcoming events if I even hint at it. You'll just have to hang in there until chapter 5. FYI, a fetish will factor in, but not in the way number 1 of list 2 suggests. That's the only hint on anything I'm giving at this time.
3942850
No I'm not, but chapter 4 is shaping up to be just as long. But I assure you, I'm not trying to kill you.
3943366
Thank you!
3943430
That's what I've been planning and hoping for!
3943577
You'll have to wait and see.
3943627
As I said in my reply to your PM, I am planning something with Merry Way. I should share the two pieces of concept art I have of her in my blog, so any readers that like her can at least get a rough idea of her appearance, well, minus her maid's outfit.
3943848
You are very welcome, it was a pleasure!
3944247
That's what I was hoping for. Now let's hope chapter 4 can do even better for you!
3944517
Glad to hear it!
3944743
Hopefully the wait won't be remotely as long.
3944924
You know I will! Thanks for your support!
3945428
If you end up in Equestria, you have to ask yourself, what are you willing to give up in order to be with one of those adorable mares in such an incredible world like theirs?
3946011
You made me lol. But Tirek won't be leading anyone to a flower shop, least not in this story.
3946133
Glad you enjoyed the new chapter. I actually had pizza for lunch today. In fact the place I went inspired my creation of Vinny's, first in Twilight's story and then for it's use again in Jeanne's story.
3943496
Thank you for your detailed and though-filled response to the chapter. It's fine that it's shorter, your comment doesn't need to be set length. I enjoyed reading it anyway.
I'm so glad you seem to understand me and what I'm trying to say, even if it's not all being said in so many words.
As for why Jeanne was worried, you'll find out somewhere in chapter 4. And I'll try not to let so much time go by between updates. I just hope my personal life will afford me some time to write again.
3953156
Glad that you enjoy all the little hints to my other stories. I'll try my best to keep the next update from taking so long.
...Why did you delete your reply to my post? *Scratches head*
Herm. Whatever, I'd already read it once anyway. In response: I completely understand. Plenty of people have nice, smooth relationships with no major fights. Perhaps I worded it badly, to I'll reiterate it in a different way here. Basically, what got me was that niether of them ever disagreed with the other. I don't know about you, but I disagree with everyone on something, whether it be something big (creation versus evolution) or something small (do tomatoes taste good on pizza? Answer: NO). The only time people agree with eachother on everything is if they're clones. Which, by the way, would add a creepy level of incest to this story. I don't recommend trying that.
Now, what I'm saying with all of this is... you don't need to have them fight. You don't need them to argue. They just shouldn't agree on everything. It's unrealistic.
Also, seeing as you seemed to like the whole show/tell thing, I'll rehash it in better detail:
The whole thing here is getting the correct stimuli down. Humans have five main senses: touch, smell, hearing, sight, and taste (obviously there are others, like sense of time and sense of orientation, but those are the five main ones). The goal is to use those to show the reader instead of tell them.
Also, that sense of time thing made me remember another thing. You seem to feel as if Galen is on a strict time table. "Five minutes later, half an hour later, etc." he had an impeccable sense of time. Impossible, almost. I'd recommend using more vague terms.
Another thing relating to show/tell is verbage. Is that a word? I think so. Anyway, use strong verbs. Nouns are great, but they're just like seasoning and spice. Verbs are the main course. The simple difference between "peered" and "gazed" can drastically change the mood of a scene from "stalker ish" to "romantic."
As always, this is just my opinion and should not be taken as the las. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, typing on my phone.
3952472 Simply reciprocate what we now know about our human buddy! ha ha. until then, happy writing!
I'm enjoying the romance, but you've got 12K+ words here (that's about a quarter of a short novel) and so little actually happens. There's a lot of re-hashing things and repeating things that we've already dealt with/know and quite a few areas that just seemed to drag out so long that I found myself just skimming to get along to something actually happening. I don't want to tell you how to tell your story, but going through this and asking whether something has already been dealt with/said, or whether it actually is important to the story & characters could really help it.
everytime i see 'my lady' in a fic, [tipping intensifies]
otherwise good stuff, i like how its all feelsy and shit, what with the awws and blushing
3958282
Right out of the mouth of one of the most popular clopfics writers on site. I do enjoy the story, this chapter's pacing is just a bit off.
Now I'm all curious to know what's Celestia's criterion is for bringing humans to Equestria
3943496
Dunno why but I can't help but laugh when I picture that in my mind. I wonder if that's a problem for RD?
Great story. I love it so far.
4220886
All you need is the timeline
Luna - Celestia - Jeanne.
And if you read the latest chapter of Celestia's story, the topic of her returning to Equestria is mentioned and even if it's not blatantly stated, it's a least hinted that she wants Daniel to return with her. And I'll tell you this to clear things up. First, Luna's trip to Earth was never her desision. I was hoping my readers would get the idea that someone set her up, but leave them wondering who and why. Second the same history with humans was first touched upon, very briefly in Luna's story, but was given much more detail in Celestia's. Both stories will see even more details on humanity's past in Equestria. The fun with some ideas is that you can save the juiciest things for later.
And then I got the idea to tie both Luna and Celestia's stories together with Jeanne's. There are more details to the first two stories, but if I say too much, I risk too many spoilers, and I don't want that.
4220924
Gotcha, and I realized found out who the first was after reading the beginning of the 3rd chapter, but this answered some questions. Thank you for clarifying.