• Published 24th Jun 2013
  • 1,033 Views, 33 Comments

The Xbox One comes to Equestria - TheGuyWhoCumsOnEbolaChan

A shipment of Xbox One's arive at the Ponyville General store. And Twilight buys one for Spike and it ends up destroying Ponyville.

  • ...

Chapter 1

"Go on Spike! Open it!" Twilight said happily to her #1 assistant "I got it just for you!"

"Wow really? Thanks Twilight!" Spike said as he eyed the square package. He wasn't used to Twilight just randomly buying him things, so it must be good he thought.

The baby dragon began to tear the wrapping paper off of the box. When it was completely removed his eyes went wide and his mouth went wider

"An Xbox!? Thank you Twilight! Thank you so much!" Spike yelled with glee as he jumped up and hugged his purple friend. Recently Spike had taken to gaming when he finished his chores. He remembered how he got into gaming like it was yesterday...

----------------------------Literally Yesterday---------------------

Spike was doing his daily chores. Today Twilight was having tea with the Princess downstairs. So she asked him to do a job normally she did herself, clean her room. Spike was almost done and was working on the last part, Twilight's closet.

"Hmmmm Hmmm Hm Hmm!" Spike hummed to himself as he picked up some clothes that fell off the rack "Hmmm Hm hm h-.... Wait, what's this?" Spike moved an old saddlebag out of the way to get a better view at the strange device he had found in the bowels of the closet. He picked it up and examined it.

It was a long, pink, rubbery cylinder with a button on the bottom. Spike curiously pushed the button and the device started vibrating furiously. He turned it off and read the label of the box he got it out of aloud

"Hmmm, Twilight's Games.... I didn't know Twilight was a gamer!" and with that he grabbed the box and ran downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he saw Princess Celestia taking a sip of tea while Twilight was telling her something

"So you see princess, I was thinking we could start a children's reading group here in the library. After all, it's one of the most family friendly places in Ponyvil-" But she was rudely cut off as Spike interrupted

"Hey Twilight? I'm done my chores; can I borrow your video games?" Spike asked eagerly

"What? I don't play video games Spike; I don't even have a console!" Twilight said with a confused smile

"Sure you do, I found one in the closet!" Spike replied as he opened the box, letting a plastic case that had a picture of a mare laying in a seductive pose and the label "Ultra Vibe-Master 690! Ultra strong Vibrations for all a mare's intimate needs!"

As soon as it landed Twilight Gasped in terror and Princess Celestia spit her tea out starred at the box, and let her mouth hang open wide.

"Spike...." Twilight said in a horrified tone of voice "Please put that back where you found it...."

"But...I want to play a game!" Spike said disappointed

"If you put it back right now and never speak of this to anybody I will buy you a game system tomorrow....Now please put it back." Twilight said a blank expression on her face.

"Alright, fine." Spike said as he picked up the box and took them upstairs.

When he was gone Celestia turned to Twilight and said

"Family friendly you were saying?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------Present time---------------------------------------

"So Twilight? Can I play it now?" Spike said with glee.

"Sure thing just let me hook it up!" Twilight said with a wink.

They were finished hooking the new console up about five minutes later. When they were done Spike grabbed the controller and jumped onto the couch. Twilight sat next to him with a bowel of popcorn, anxious to see what all the fuss about gaming was about.

The Xbox One hummed to life. First it showed the Xbox symbol as it booted up, then a strange robotic voice came on and said something strange. It said

"Detecting Internet for Digital Rights Management purposes. Please stand by."

"Twilight, what does that mean?" Spike said as he leaned over to Twilight.

"I have no idea Spike...." Twilight said back. The screen changed to a dark red color and the robotic voice came back on

"No internet connection detected. Suspected Digital Rights infringement detected. Activating anti-software piracy measures. Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Microsoft." The robotic voice faded away and then the Xbox One started to shake.

"Twilight?" Spike said scared shitless "What's going on?"

"I don't know Spike..." Twilight said. The shaking got so intense that the floors started shaking too. Twilight and Spike grabbed onto the couch for dear life and watched in horror as to what happened next.

The ground stopped shaking all of a sudden. The "On" light turned red, a plate on the bottom of the Xbox One opened and it started to change. Parts slid in and out of the machine, the air vents retracted and mechanical parts rushed out and connected to form limbs, the side plates opened up and more robotics came out and fused into what looked like arms. At the base of the arms five barrels slid out in a circle forming a pair of Mini guns. After it was finished it looked like this

Twilight looked up at the giant robot, gulped, and quivering in fear she said


The robot looked at Twilight, aimed its guns at her and the sound of multiple rounds being chambered at once emitted from it.

"When you infringe digital rights, you are no better than Hitler!" The robot roared as his miniguns spun up and started to fire.

Twilight picked up Spike in her magic and jumped out of the way as multiple .50 Cal Armor piercing rounds tore through the couch.

"Protective Digital Rights measures have been installed for your personal safety!" The robot yelled as a missile hit the library's walls. The wall exploded, leaving a giant hole. The Robot walked out of the hole, taking a small chunk of ceiling with it, and walked into ponyville.

"Now initiating DRM protection protocol 102590842. Total annihilation required." The robot bellowed in an electronic as its guns revved up again and began spraying bullets at a flower stand, tearing it to shreds.

'What do we do now Twilight?!" Spike yelled in terror as he heard an explosion followed by some pony screaming

"Oh my sweet Celestia! It blew up the Pre-Scho-" only to be interrupted by another explosion.

"I don't know Spike! We should probably call the Princess!" Twilight shouted over the screams of burning ponies, crying foals and multiple explosions and gunshots.

Twilight and Spike began to make their way upstairs to the parchment, dodging the occasional stray bullet and severed limb, and finally made it to Twilight's bed room.

"Quick! Where's the parchment?!" Spike shouted as an explosion knocked out Twilight's window, sending bit of wood, glass, and a few bloody hooves and leg bones flying into the room as the robot began to speak again

"Piracy is doing more damage to society than organized crime, terrorism, radical feminists, the KKK, the Bush administration, and North Korea's nuclear weapons program combined!" followed by more gunshots "This is PROGRESS!"

"Over in the dresser Spike! The dresser!" Twilight shouted over more of the robots ramblings and explosions.

Spike dived for the dresser, grabbed hold of the handle, and yanked it. Sending Twilight's nightgowns and parchment onto the floor. He quickly grabbed a piece of parchment, gagged at the sight of one of Twilight's leopard print panties that said 'Juicy' in big, bold pink letters on the rear, and tossed the parchment over to Twilight.

"R is for Rape! And Piracy is worse than that!" The robot bellowed again as its chain guns roared to life and started spraying a hospital.

Twilight caught the parchment in her magic, grabbed a quill off the floor and began to write to the Princess.

Dear Princess Celestia, Spike tried playing his new game console and now it's killing everyone! Please help! -Twilight.

Twilight scribbled the message down and chucked it to Spike, who then breathed his magic fire breath on it and sent it to the princess.

Moments later the shooting stopped. Twilight and Spike walked outside to see if the Princess had stopped the killing machine. They looked at the carnage and devastation wrought by the villainous machine. There were foals laying on the sides of the road, blood and organs covering the sidewalks, nursery schools burning their foals still trapped inside.

And in the middle of it all, there was Princess Celestia. Fearlessly Standing in front of the monstrosity, ready to courageously defend her ponies to the death need be. Twilight watched in awe as Celestia's horn began to glow yellow. It began to get brighter and brighter, flames began to be visible, and she was harnessing the power of the sun to destroy the beast.

Soon a giant orb of pure fire surrounded the Princess. Then, The Princess screamed a mighty war cry and the ball of light and fire condensed into a single beam that then rushed at the robot with the force of a trillion suns. Twilight watched in awe as the most powerful force in existence hurtled toward the iron giant. Twilight raised a hoof to shade her eyes as the blinding light hit the creature........And bounced off harmlessly. Celestia could only do one thing now, and that one things was to put on a bemused expression and say one of the most famous set of last words ever

"Fuck." before the Robotic Gollum raised one of its giant metal legs, and brought it down upon the princess.

The robot looked at the Princess's smashed form for a moment, shrugged its giant shoulders, and then revved up its Miniguns again and started spraying an orphanage for disabled fillies.

"No matter the price, computer piracy MUST BE STOPPED!" The behemoth bellowed as hundreds of disabled fillies were gunned down on the spot.

"Wha....wha....what do we do now Twilight?" Spike said, tears in his eyes. There were a few more explosions, gunshots, and screaming fillies before Twilight answered.

"There is only one thing we can do now. We have to pray to the one force more powerful than Celestia and Luna combined." Twilight said somberly.

"Twilight...Do you mean...?" Spike asked the purple unicorn

"Yes Spike, we must pray to the glorious power of Heavy Metal." Twilight said as she bowed her head into her hoofs.

"Dear heavy Metal gods." Twilight said respectfully, the violence and carnage now faded out of her mind in meditation "Please send us a champion strong enough to save our land. I know we are not worthy of your magnificence, but we humbly ask you to extend your righteous hand and save our people from destruction. Amen."

Twilight rose from her prayer. Spike looked up at her and said

"Did it work?"

Twilight walked outside the broken library and looked up at the sky. Then, she saw the most magnificent sight ever to grace her pony eyes.

The skies cleared, the sun came out, and descending on a cloud, his guitar furiously unleashing a wicked riff, was Dan Donegan. Guitarist of Disturbed.

The cloud he was riding on touched the ground and morphed into a set of stairs. He calmly walked down and stared up at the robot, and without saying a word, he raised his guitar and unleashed a torrent of musical evisceration upon the metal beast.

The beast started to shake, the bolts and screws that held it together began to come lose and fall out. The very molecules of the beast began vibrating rapidly. Slowly the metal began to dissolve and the robot began to fall into little more than a pile of rust on the ground that was soon blown away by the wind.

But Dan was not done, he kept playing and all the damage caused by the beast began to revert. Disemboweled foals miraculously were repaired, the ponies that were burnt alive began to regrow their skin and awoke from death's embrace, Celestia reformed into the majestic mare she is, and soon all the fillies, colts, stallions, and mares were alive and well. Except Zecora because she sucks.

All the buildings began rebuilding themselves to the tune of Dan's wicked riff, and then after all was put right, Dan calmly walked back onto his cloud, winked at the ponies, looked at them and said

"Rock on little ponies." and then he ascended into the heavens once more.


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