Time for an unwanted change

by Shadow Flight

Chapter 1

A pegasus stallion lazily got out of bed and slowly trotted over towards the next room, to look into the mirror which was placed there. He checked over his ash grey mane with a slight ragged run of cyan through it, noticing it looked like it always did, windblown sticking out slightly being his head. Then looked over his eerie black coat and stretched his wings a bit before gradually turning away from the mirror and heading into a different room.

He continued to head outside of the house, stretching his wings and walking towards a dying old apple tree. Looking up he gracefully flapped his wings, flew up and grabbed an apple, before gliding back towards the house to start eating it.

After he finished his apple, he casually looked around the front of the house, noticing masses of leaves and sticks around the yard.

“I suppose I really should get around to cleaning this place up a bit again” he mutters to himself before sighing and grabbing a rake in his mouth to start the work.

^^^^-----____----^^^^

It wasn't until late into the day when the stallion finally finished cleaning up the area surrounding the house. Looking around to make sure everything was alright, he starts walking back towards the house before suddenly stopping, from the feeling of something watching him. Slowly turning around he gazes into the forest near his house, noticed it looks just as dark and forbidding as always.

He just shakes of the feeling before muttering to himself, “ I really should be used to that by now living so close to it, still don’t know why it’s called the Everfree forest, nothing looks very inviting or anything about it.”

As soon as he reaches the front door however, he hears a very high pitched screaming. Quickly turning around he scans the forest looking for either someone in danger or a creature ready to attack again. Remaining alert his eyes scan the forest, continuously changing directions to locate the sound and hoping that it isn't someone in danger. His ears flicking back and forth to ensure he can pinpoint the sound if he hears it again. After a few more seconds of remaining alert, the pegasus starts to calm down a bit and slowly trots back towards the house again.

However, as soon as he starts to head back he hears it again, swivelling around he quickly flaps his wings and takes to the air to scan from higher up. Before hearing the sound again and quickly flying off in the direction it came from hoping he isn’t too late.

“That sound is definitely somepony screaming, I hope they have the scene to stop before they attract attention they don’t want,” he angrily grumbles to himself, while increasing his pace even more to get to the source of the screaming as quickly as possible.

As he starts to get closer to the sound he begins to hear it clearer. It’s then that he realises it isn’t just one creature screaming, it is three very distinct females voices which are making the noise. The Pegasus increases his speed even more when he notices this and continues to follow the sounds until it dawns on him, all three of the voices sound very young and not just scared but absolutely terrified. It’s then that he noticed another sounds, a sound he knows all too well and he now know exactly why the three young ones are so terrified.

“Timberwolves.” He blurts out, as a clearing comes into view with a group of 4 different Timberwolves crouching low ready to pounce on something.

It is then that he pin points the sounds of the screaming. Three young fillies are all cuddled up next to each other frozen in fear looking straight at the 4 approaching creatures. Acting as quickly as he can, the stallion starts to think about how to get them out before it is too late to save them. The Timberwolves start to make their move and begin to spread out around the fillies, who are now too scared out of their wits to continue screaming. They grip each other tightly, their faces frozen in fear as to what is about to happen to them. Then the first move is made; the Timberwolf in front starts to leap forward at them. It is then, that the three fillies close their eyes waiting for what is about to happen. But it wasn’t what they expected.

The stallion dives straight down, flying as fast as he can as soon as he noticed what was about to happen. Without thinking he flies full speed straight onto the Timberwolf which was mid lunge at the fillies, driving all 4 of his hooves into the back of the Timberwolf head, knocking it directly onto the ground with a tremendous crash. He then quickly takes off and flies in a B line at the next Timberwolf which is about to attack the fillies, with his two front hooves in front of him. A massive crack is heard as his hooves collide with the beast taking it straight into the tree behind it, knocking it out. It is then that the other 2 Timberwolves notice him and quickly forget about the three little ponies, which are still cowering in fear and lunge to attack the intruder of their easy meal.

Acting purely with adrenaline the stallion quickly turns around and bucks one of the Timberwolves, sending it crashing to the ground on the other side of the clearing. He then proceeds to quickly fly straight up to avoid the last Timberwolf as it lunged at him, before coming down as hard as he can on top of its back, finishing off the last one of the pack.

He then can actually get a good look at all three of the fillies, who are all now staring at him with pure shock displayed on their faces. The closest one to him is a white unicorn filly with a light purple and pick mane and tail. The one to her left was an earth pony with cream coloured fur with a red tail and mane, along with a large pink bow it her mane. The last filly was an orange pegasus with a purple main and tail, with small wings at her sides. However the orange filly was looking away from him now at the broken remains of what once looked like a scooter and a crumbled bit of red metal with 4 wheels sticking out next to it.

“Are you 3 alright?” the eerie black pegasus asks looking at each three of the fillies slowly in turn, who nod their heads up and down, still shocked as to what has just happened.

“That’s good at least, now why in equestrian are you out in the middle of the Everfree forest at this time!” the stallion asks not bothering to hide some of the anger in his voice.

The three fillies look at each other shocked at his sudden outburst, their eyes starting to brim with tears after being shouted at after their ordeal. The stallion realising his mistake and quickly calms down before trying again.

“Sorry,” he says quietly, “I shouldn't have shouted like that. Are you three lost out here?” he asks with more of a caring tone. The fillies now unwilling to talk, just nod their heads again to confirm what he thought.

“Do you know the way back to your home?” he asks trying to get an answer out of them. Again, however they don’t talk and gently shake their heads, looking like they are going to cry again. The stallion thinks for a bit wondering how to go about this before saying something else.

“Come with me, you can stay at my house tonight and we will find your home tomorrow in the morning,” the stallion says, as he notices the sun is starting to set. All three of the fillies look up to him, now with hope in their eyes before walking towards him slowly.

“Alright, jump onto my back and hold on tight, I’m going to fly you back to my house,” the stallion says trying to sound as sincere as he can. The fillies comply and climb onto his back. “Now make sure you hold on,” the stallion said before gently taking off to begin the flight back towards his house.

^^^^-----____----^^^^

The flight back was slow. The pegasus stallion didn’t want to fly too fast in case one of his passengers was to fall off. Once he neared his house he called back to the fillies, “Alright we are almost there. It is the house just over there,” while pointing in the general direction of his house.

The three young ponies all looked towards the house, but didn’t say anything. The stallion gracefully glided to the door of the house before gently landing on the front porch. “Okay, here we are. You can get off and come inside now,” the stallion calls back to the three fillies.

They follow as instructed and climb off his back and slowly trot after him into the house. Once all three were inside the stallion closed the door and turned to all the fillies, “Sorry, but I don’t have any spare beds for you, so you will have to sleep on the couch.” The stallion explained. All three fillies nod slowly as they look towards the couch.

“Alright then,” the stallion suddenly exclaims “I’ll go grab some blankets for you to sleep with.” as he walks away while thinking they aren’t a very talkative bunch.

When he came back, the young ponies were right where he left them. He places the blankets on the couch and turned towards the fillies. “Seemly you’re going to be staying here tonight, would I at least be able to know your names?” he asks trying to look as caring as possible, so the fillies wouldn’t get put off of him.

The unicorn steps forward and looks at him, then back at the other two fillies, then turns back towards him, “My name is Sweetie Bell.” She exclaimed in a very nervous shaking voice. Then she points to the pegasus, “That is Scootaloo and this is Applebloom.” She finishes while turning and pointing to the earth pony.

“Well it is nice to meet you three, now why don’t you jump on to the couch and get some sleep. Oh and my name is Sonic Stealth.” The Stallion exclaims with a smile.

Comments

[Metool Bard]

Also sorry for grammar and possible spelling mistakes in advance, I’m not the best at it and I have no idea on how to find someone to edit for me.

Dude, there are groups on this site dedicated to this kind of thing (like this one, for instance). Just seek one of them out (or use the one I linked to) and drop someone a line. I'm sure they'll help you out.

Beyond that, eh, you need a bit more than a spellcheck for this one, buddy. I have no idea who Sonic Stealth is, or why I should care about him. All I know is that he's depressed, and he saved the CMC from a timberwolf. That is not enough to get me invested. What does he do in life? What exactly happened that made him depressed? Why is he walking through the Everfree Forest when there's a perfectly good train station he could be using? You need to answer these questions.

Also, if this was intended to be a comedy, you could've fooled me. Everything here is played rather straight. I mean, the story is about a character who's depressed! How does one exactly make a comedy out of that?!

It's not the worse I've seen, but it does need some major tweaking. You'd better get back to work.

[BioChemicalWolfGear]

A pegasus stallion lazily got out of bed and slowly trotted over towards the next room, to look into the mirror which was placed there. He checked over his ash grey mane with a slight ragged run of cyan through it, noticing it looked like it always did, windblown sticking out slightly being his head. Then looked over his eerie black coat and stretched his wings a bit before gradually turning away from the mirror and heading into a different room.

Let me tell you what went wrong in this very first paragraph. Keep in mind this is my personal opinion, but it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Now the first thing I noticed is the detail in the story being very low. There was also a problem with "The Lazy Pegasus" because a Pegasus who's lazy won't get up with no problem like in this paragraph and find a mirror that appeared in the room next to his. You also didn't seem to take note of how long a lazy Pegasus should get out of bed. You'd think he'd wake up and then fall back to sleep until the sun coming through his window forced him out of his bed.

You also neglected to note the light condition in the room. That means the time of day wasn't stated so the readers can't get an idea of the light condition. If you said the sun was directly over his head when he left the house you'd establish that it was 12:00am before ending the scene. But since it wasn't stated I can only assume three things. One its early morning, two its midday, and three its around 5am when its still dark. Each effects scene and I won't dare say afternoon because no one wakes up at that time (unless they fell asleep at 4am). But the idea of what the lighting conditions can really affect your scene. If the room is dark you can have your character trip over his blanket or bump into objects. This will increase the submersion of your story, giving the reader the idea that you've intended to make the character life like and with flaws.

In a scenario where the sun is glaring in his eyes, you could have him reacting to external stimulant, then you could also make the reader direct their attention to the scene. Speaking of scene. I saw NO scene development in the first scene. I wasn't even sure if the house was a cloud home or a wooden house on the ground. Even without that you could have at least given us an idea of the bedroom. I'm not even sure it was a bedroom to be honest. The main character got up, left the room, and looked at his reflection.

Also I noticed that during the time he started looking at himself it reminded me of how HiE stories do the same thing with the human turned pony. He paused a bit to go over the details of his body. While telling the readers what your character looks like is good, you should always keep in mind that the way to tell them is going to have a significant impact on the story. With the way your character looked at himself made him less believable as a character. As a writer your goal is to tell a story while making your character look like they're in their natural habitat, not doing things specifically so you can explain them to your readers.

I suggest you rewrite that so he brushes his teeth, and while doing so he has to stare at himself through that mirror. With nothing better to do he can observe himself. Alternatively you recite what's staring back at him in 3rd person while the character concentrates on brushing his teeth.

I will say the part where he flies up to get an apple was ok. Although it still seems lacking in detail.

Now I hope my review of your first scene helps you as a writer in the future. I can tell you that you've got problems with submersion. Submersion is what I call the complexity of the story. The more complex and intricate your characters and setting, the more likely your readers will be able to enjoy what you've written rather than get confused about the details of the scene or why your character has bipolar statements and opinions without noticing them.

I wish you the best of luck if you plan on continuing this. OH and I found you when you gave my story a favorite. I was in the middle of writing the next chapter for that story before I took a break and saw your fav. I then noticed you have a story and decided to look over it. Honestly I didn't read the whole chapter but I felt everything I wrote above would help you for any future instances of writing.

Hope you improve.

And don't worry about your writing. You can improve as long as you're willing to experiment with detail. I honestly sucked at it until I tried thinking more deeply about what a story should be written like...

I honestly wrote 3 other stories that are worse than this. Took two of them down. The third was my first story and I never put it up.