My family was killed, I have lost the last person I dearly cared about, and now the Royal Guard, the Ponies of Ponyville, and Celestia are out to kill me just because of me being a pony-changling hybrid! What else do I have to lose? I could just end it all and be done with it! But I can't if there is the slightest chance of me seeing Luna again, then I must do what I can to see her again! Even if I must wait for as long as she is banished then I must wait for her. Don't worry princss, I'll be seeing you soon....
Chapters (3)
Do you know what quotations or paragraphs are? I don't think you do, considering you aren't using either of them. The whole thing is just two walls of text.
Read the FiMFiction writing guide if you want to know all the things you're doing incorrectly.
2562458 Well it is my first story, and I actually had the paragraphs done but had accidently messed it up
. Thank you for your time in reading my disaster of a story.
2562508 Okay, I can see how errors like that could happen. I'll let that slide. You still need to learn about dialogue, though. Read the link I gave. It's on this same site, so it's no more dangerous than the rest of the site (there is no perfectly safe place on the internet, of course). It's a bit of a long read, but it contains things everyone who writes using the English language should know.
2562532 Will do, thanks again.
The like has been given!
2563606 Thank you for your support on this story, of mine.
2563669
Welcome.
I give two hooves up my good sir.
Markiplier ponified!?!?/)
And you need to correct your spelling... Alot. Soon many people will nitpick those. (try spellcheck)
But any way, great start. But your story has not ended, even in the book, only what you decided to record hass. Remember that. And hurry up with the next chapter. Im intrigued.
2564451 Carefull that you don't fall face first because of you losing your balance.
2564475
I'm sitting down...now.
2564471 Wow your a fast reader! By the way Ch.2 is up if you didn't already know. Again it would be better if I had partner to spell check for me (hint
hint) And I am already thinking about ideas for the next chapter. Also, the sad tag will start to take place in either the next chapter, or Chapters 4 or 5.
P.S. What do you think of a "Markiplier in Ponyville" fanfiction?
2564500i got onhere a few moments ago. And ive already read chaper 2, that is how i know of this markiplier. And he needs more complimations of horror game reactions.
For starters, spell check is a great way to avoid mistakes, and look at you chapter two page, thats where i commented on.
And if you dont have a spell check program, then i can see why ya need a bro to help you out.
And tags are a way to see if thats your fing or not(correction is thing).
And ill help you solve those problems before they happen, mostly with plot development (not the pervy plot), dont to to many gaps, and if you do, you might get story complications. Remember to use past tense for thing that already happen, and pretense for stuff about to happen, like a vision.
And since all your characters so far do not have established characteristics, you might want to happen now with editing your story so far, or do it in the coming chapter three. When you get to present ponyville and such, most characters have determined characteristics, so if you want things to flow, you might want to follow those characteristcs, unless doing more ocs.
And grammar is a good thing to have, and should have verbs, adverbs, adjectives, synonyms so you dont repeat the same word again and again, noun, prefixes, etc. Try to have the chapter make sense with well grammar, and the above for a great story.
Maybe break the forth wall by editing your font on chapter two... Have a constant font, and if you want that font, youll have to change the font to be consistent.
Nowll ill reread the chapters that are done so far, and leave comments on the words that need to be corrected, by leaving the correct spelling after it. And avoid using it alot.
2564570 Aw, your the best friend a changeling writter could ever have! (Hugs)
Sorry that was very un-assassin like of me, but hay we all have our moments right?
2564591
ing
ive failed your sistee now.)
Well, your friends with a sadistic critic.
Now im reveiwing chapter one after this. Expect
(thanks for making me unconscious.
2564611Sadistic? (gets engoulfed in darkness)
You don't even know the meaning or sadistic! (reverts back to normal)
Ow my head, what happened?
In order=
Remeber: remember
Slowely: slowly
Slowely: (again) slowly
Finaly: finally
Befoe: before
Beutiful: beautiful
Is: (should be) was (if you move to a different location)
Femal: female
Coffe: coffee
(grammar) instead of "...wings being instead of brown, a silver color." it should either be "...wings being a silver color, instead of brown." or "...wings being, instead of a brown, a silver color."
Slimer: slimmer
Un bend should be one word(un is a prefix, to be put infront of the root word): unbend
Paniced: panicked
Happend: happened
Wolrd: world
(and i dont know if you actually ment for your mother to say this or not, but) arn't: aren't
Camotion: commotion
Serios: serious
Wern't: weren't
Perminantly: permanently
Complet: complete
Son,roseta: son, Roseta
Deliscious: delicious
Magestic: majestic (and even though shes your sister, i have to agree)
Finaly: finally (again)
(instead of) "...finally go to sleep..." either "finally went to sleep" or "finally got to sleep"
Those are all the mistakes for chapter one. For serious consulting, ask a professional for help. Im just a novice with ocd.
2564721.................... now I just feel like an idiot for posting this story before consulting to you for help.
Again thanks, you've been a great help! Five 
for you my good friend.
2564765 instead of "...to you" its just you. And your welcome. If your not sure how to spell something, say it to yourself, and if its not quite how you want it to sound like, the think of a different word for it. A thesaurus and a dictionary will work. Then, if your not writing in english, a translate will work just as well.
And i know sadism, i watched a cat jump on a ceiling fan, get spun around, hit a wall, and lmfoa roflcoptor.
I grab the most gruesome weapon and smash heads, laughin at how the blood splatters on a video game.
All my dreams include some sort of demonic death. I think of so many ways to harm people, and laught to myself about each one.
Ok this looks like it will get pretty interesting. Tip of advice that has helped me a lot in the past: When you finish writing, go back and read it out loud. You will pick up on a lot of your mistakes that way
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT THE DREADED CLIFF HANGER!!!
WILFRED WARFSTASH!
Your getting better at writing and this story very good keep it up!
2578039 Thanks for the support! Will do keep this story going for as long as I can.
P.S. I'm thinking to continue this into a series. What do you think of the idea?
2578112 Sure you could even tell the story of how his parents met and all that.
hello its me from school i got the list ready and i found afew errors like tree and also u forgot to space whenthe and began but great story bro hoof /)
2578285 (\ Bro hoof to you too my fellow Republican!
(P.S. I tend to act diffrently in on FIM Fiction, so yeah
)
the sun always sets brother and the moon a rises for THE LUNAR REPUBLIC!!!!
2578320 (there ya go! Five yays for yo my good sir,
)
4 hoofs up im lying on my back
2578326 hi
read my bio bro tell me if its any good .
Oh Dawn.... Come out and finish.(oh god that came out wrong)[Bob saggot! Phrasing!]