The one and only
Fear is a complicated feeling, sometimes it causes you to freeze, sometimes it makes you cry, and sometimes, just sometimes it’s the best feeling in the world. And to Kyle this was one of those times, he felt the adrenalin rushing through his body as he readjusted the grip on his pistol. He took a deep breath while he evaluated his situation, he had his back to a tree and 100 meters further away were three hostiles armed with fully automatic assault rifles. And to make matters worse he was completely alone, no backup and no friendlies anywhere close.
He took a quick peek around the tree and saw them coming closer, there is no way he could escape. That leaves only one option, well two, but he wasn't about to give up, not without a fight. He readied himself and dashed around the tree and ran as fast as he could towards his pursuers, before they could react Kyle had fired three shots towards one of them, two hits and one miss, not bad. The second met the same fate, however this time he fired four shots, one hit and three misses, at this rate he won't even hit the third. But before he could aim toward him one a barrage of bullets came flying, he tried to get out of the way but to no avail. Half a dozen bullets hit him and he fell to the forest floor. After a while he started laughing, the shooter looked a bit confused at first but soon joined in.
After a while the laughter died down and Kyle took the opportunity to speak “That. Was. Awesome!”
“Yeah it was” the shooter said still snickering a bit “But we still won.” Pointing towards the two others, who had stood up and were now brushing of twigs and leaves.
“Whatever John, it was three against one and I only had a pistol.” Kyle replied waving dismissively.
“It was three vs three in the beginning, your teammates just suck.” John said as he started snickering again.
“So are you guys up for another match?” Kyle said as he stood up and started brushing off.
“Nah, I have to get home, it’s kinda late.” John said “Besides your teammates already left.”
“Aww man, they didn't even say goodbye.” Kyle said while exaggerating the sadness in his voice and the pout on his face.
John started laughing and with some effort managed to say “That's because they know that they can’t say no when you do that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kyle said this time with the mother of all frowns on his face.
John started laughing even harder and tried to say something but nothing other than his laughter came out.
Kyle shook his head and started to crack up a bit too, “I guess I will see you in school tomorrow?”
John just nodded while trying to manage his laughter.
“Alright, bye John” Kyle said and raised his voice a little to shout goodbye to the other guys, he picked up his backpack and left.
Kyle walked home at the side of the road with music blasting in his ears and eyes closed, until something changed, the payment that had been under his feet was exchanged for gravel. He opened his eyes to see what was going on, fully expecting some sort of road work or perhaps just a couple of stones on the road. But he did not expect to be on a small path in the middle of a very dark forest. He took out his ear-buds and looked around, he had a bad feeling about these woods and worse yet he had no idea where he were.
“Hello! Anybody there?” Kyle shouted while slowly taking out his gun, even if it was just an air-soft it looked real and he could be intimidating.
After a while he hears voices and something sounding as footsteps coming a bit further down the path. Seeing as he didn't know where he was or who was coming he did the first thing that came to his mind and hid. When the voices came closer he could tell that it was two perhaps three female voices, but the footsteps told him something else, it sounded more like six persons.
His thoughts were interrupted by one of the voices shouting “Hello anypony there?”
Kyle's mind stepped into overdrive ‘Anypony? What the hell?’ His curiosity took hold and he peaked out from his hiding place and he couldn't believe what he saw. not 20 meters away stood three brightly colored horses, no not horses they were too small, ponies maybe?
He was quickly snapped out of his shock as one of them, a blue pony with a multicolored mane pointed towards him and shouted “Over there!” Kyle duck behind his cover again and he heard the coming closer.
The movement stopped and and a soft voice called out to him. “You can come out, we won’t hurt you.”
He looked out again and the yellow pony with a pink mane added in an even softer voice “Please come out, this forest is dangerous. If you don’t mind that is...”
Hesitantly Kyle stepped out still gripping his gun tightly. The ponies gasped as they saw what Kyle looked like and the yellow pony very quietly said “Oh my, he’s a big one...”
“He?” the purple pony with a darker purple mane asked “How do you know it is a he Fluttershy?”
“Oh um... I kinda don’t but he looks masculine Twilight.” the pony now identified as Fluttershy said.
“Mascuwhat?” The blue one asked.
“Masculine, manly or stallionlike if you will, it can be determined by the body and facial feat...” Twilight didn't get to finish her sentence as the blue pony cut her off.
“Yeah, yeah, spare me the lecture, what is it?”
“I don’t know Rainbow, it’s biped like diamond dogs but it doesn't have as much fur and some of the body build is different.” Twilight answered.
“So what you are saying is that you don’t know?” Rainbow asked with slightly puzzled expression.
“No what I said is that I have some idea about what it is and what we can expect from it.”
“Girls!” Fluttershy shouted, and and it became apparent that she had tried to get their attention for a while. “I don’t know anymore than you do but we can always ask him.”
As she finished all three turned around to face Kyle again but he almost didn't notice, he had so much on his mind. Where is he? How did he get here? How come these ponies can talk? Even weirder, how can they talk English? And most interesting, Is that a horn and are those wings?
The unicorn took a few steps forward and Kyle raised his gun in response. “D-don’t come any closer!”
Twilight stopped and looked back at her friends, they both shrugged and came closer, Fluttershy hiding slightly behind Rainbow.
“Stop, stop.” Kyle cried out, but they weren't discouraged.
Kyle squeezed the trigger and with a loud bang some of the gravel in front of the ponies sprayed in their faces, they froze in mid step and their eyes turned int pinpricks.
Twilight was the first to say something even if her fear caused her to stammer a bit “H-h-how? W-w-what is that thing?”
“This is a gun, it fires a metal slug at 300 meters per second. It’s capable of ending a life with one squeeze of the trigger.” Kyle said now brimming with confidence as he was in control.
Small high pitched sound came from Fluttershy as she lay on the ground with her hooves in front of her eyes. Rainbow had moved to stand between Kyle and Fluttershy, her expression a mix of pure hatred and utter terror. Twilight had a nervous smile on her face as she very calmly backed away while saying “Calm down, we don’t want to hurt you and I’m pretty sure you don't want to hurt us.”
After a few agonizing seconds Kyle lowered the gun and Twilight let out a deep breath. “Let’s start over shall we? I’m Twilight Sparkle and this is Rainbow Dash” Twilight said while pointing towards the mare in question who only let out a low grow. “And she is Fluttershy” Fluttershy had peaked out when she heard Twilight say her name but squeaked and hid behind Rainbow once more when Kyle saw her.
Kyle was about to respond but a load roar came from behind, Kyle slowly turned his head only to see a huge lion with a scorpion tail and dragon like wings.
“A manticore!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Shoot it!” Rainbow screamed.
Kyle backed away from the creature while saying “Umm about that... this isn't a real gun, it’s just a toy...”
“What?” Rainbow shouted.
“But we saw you use it!” Twilight said with her voice slightly raised.
“It just shoots a small plastic ball, all it would do is piss this thing off!”
Kyle and all three ponies looked at each other and screamed “Run!”
The manticore were hot on their tails, in three of the cases quite literally. In desperation Kyle shot off a few shots over his shoulder and he seemed to hit his goal as a loud pain filled roar came from behind. Kyle looked back that they had gained a few meters but it was closing the distance fast. He repeated the process a few times until he ran out of ammo, just great there is no way they will escape now, not all of them anyway. Kyle saw an opening in the woods to his left and ran that way instead, ‘that thing can’t chase all of us’ Kyle thought and he was right, it was now chasing him ‘well shit’.
Twilight and her friends arrived in Ponyville a few minutes later and realized that the creature they had been talking to as well as the manticore was gone. Fluttershy started crying and Rainbow tried to soothe her. Twilight however ran to her library and wrote a letter to princess Celestia explaining what happened. Within hours as small battalion of royal guards were in Ponyville and searched the Everfree forest, but the only traces they could find was an odd piece of metal and a bag full of books and various other items. Both Kyle and the manticore was gone, even after after a few weeks of searching they found nothing, they were simply gone.
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Just like every other user on the site?
You said you wanted help on the dialogue. Well, it wasn't bad (I've seen FAR worse on this site), but here's the single biggest piece of advice on dialogue I can give:
Read what your characters say aloud. If you are a slow reader, even though you wrote it yourself, read it several times. If it sounds like natural dialogue, and like something that character would say, you got it. Otherwise, it can often come off stilted, or out of character. In that case, rewrite the line until it sounds natural.
Could've been better.
2504398 Thanks, I'll keep it in mind. Also do you think the ponies are in character?
2503806 Well yeah, I'm a sucker for HiE stories. It is kind of an experiment but I see your point. How was the writing? That is what I'm most interested about.
2504530 Any problems with the writing or is it the story? If it is the story I kinda expected that, as I only had a concept for the meeting.
Random Comment
2504609 Random comments are best comments.
But seriously what did you think?
2504635
It was cool.
You know, story wise.
I like how the manticore seemingly killed Kyle instead of him actually getting away.
Rainbow Dash had the most knowledge on the gun since she knew it had to be "shot".
And, is Kyle a brony? I think he isn't, because he doesn't have a lot of recognition on the ponies.
2504680 Thanks
No he is not a brony, I'm not even sure if MLP exist where he is from, but it doesn't matter.
Rainbows knowledge of guns would probably come from Pinkies party cannon since it shoots confetti, you know with them being such good buddies. Am I just grasping at straws or does that make sense?
Scribblestick the Chill here with some friendly advice.
-You have several run-on sentences. Each sentence should contain one, and only one, complete thought unless it uses conjunctions (and, or, but, etc.) For example:
This one has as many as four ideas, though some could arguably be combined for style. Look out for this kind of thing, since readers can easily get lost in run-ons.
-Dialogue. Someone already mentioned how to make it sound natural, so I'll focus on formatting.
When a line of dialogue is followed by attribution (tells us who said it), the quotation ends with a comma. If the attribution comes in the middle of a spoken line, it also ends with a comma. In both cases, the next word is not capitalized.
Also, the second sentence is in complete and should read: "He pointed toward the two others..."
-You overuse the word 'said,' which is kind of an accomplishment. Vary it up, especially when the dialogue is a question (e.g. asked, replied, demanded, etc.)
-You have some verb tense and agreement issues. Also some typos. Check out one of the editing groups for help.
Overall, not the worst HiE I've seen, though I think that's mostly because it's too short to fall into any of the major pitfalls.
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
2505062
Ok.
That makes a lot more sense.
Honestly speaking, I have no idea how the rating is the way it is (I mean seriously; one "like" to eight "dislike"s?), as I have seen FAR FAR worse on this site... and I have only been online for, what, three weeks?
Please keep in mind that the following critique is only about the actual plot - grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes were present, so do remember to re-check everything before submitting. Finally, keep in mind that I am a very perfectionist person, thus I tend not to mention much (if at all) about the good things that people do with their stories, so forgive me if I sound overly blunt or rude.
The first problem with this story is that it started with a rather strange scene (gunfights and kids... right, now THAT sounds normal) which you didn't fully explain (Kyle's teammates left him without even saying goodbye and he is not the least bit sad - unless of course his "teammates" were imaginary). This confusion could have been amended if you provided some sort of backstory to him... perhaps dropping hints that he does this regularly with his friends? perhaps he is a fan of some war game that he and his friends re-enact? IDK, it just could have been more detailed. Also, you COMPLETELY disregarded the background characters... try not to do this, as they add so much to the story (think about it: without background characters, a story sounds like a monologue or dialogue - there is no "realness").
Moreover, the fact that he visits Equestria without anything tangible happening seems rather... convenient... (and I mean that in the worst way possible).
Then he was in the world, and the whole situation can only be described as WTF?! The fact that so many things are happening at the same time is really not good. The fact that you blended Kyle's thoughts with his actions only heighten the fact that it just... didn't cut it. In fact, the entire last paragraph felt really rushed and very last-minute. Even IF this is an experiment (and perhaps BECAUSE this is an experiment), you need to try your best.
The last problem I have is the fact that the ponies knew what the word "slug" meant in this context.
2505487 Lots of help, thanks so much.
What would the pitfalls be so that I know what to avoid?
2505767 Thanks for your help
The beginning is pretty much a soft-air gun battle and he does it a lot with his friends. I guess it couldn't hurt to clear it up a bit. His teammates probably does that a lot so he's used to it. I picture that all of these people are varying degrees of best friends so it isn't a big deal if they just left. Best friends can get away with mush more than regular friends can.
The entire story could definitively have been more detailed and at a time I was planning to bring the other two 'hostiles' into the conversation but couldn't figure out what they would bring to the story. However I kinda wanted to get it out, perhaps it was a bad decision on my part but at least I get all this wonderful feedback.
As for his appearance in Eqestria, I just wanted a quick transition. Perhaps I should throw in a few theories how it happened from Kyles point of view.
Do you have any tips on how I should write his thoughts? perhaps as regular dialogue but with some distinction? The ending is admittedly very rushed but I had been writing for I while and just wanted the story to end.
The ponies would probably have imagined a metal version of their slugs if they weren't terrified, I even had an idea of twilight creating metal slugs to make a real gun after everything had calmed down.
ERM...
What is this I can't even
2506374
Most of them apply to any original character, at least the ones I remember. It's been a while since I read terrible HiE, so I'll do my best.
-Character instantly becomes best friends or the love interest of some other character, especially the mane six.
-Character is overpowered. Often accompanied with being an alicorn or being red-maned and black-coated.
-Character can get away with murder without fitting consequences, legally or socially.
-Character is bland and underdeveloped.
-Character gets everything he/she wants with little or no trouble.
-Character is exactly the same as 95% of all other human/original characters.
-Not as common, but character adds nothing to the story (for example, the author inserts an extra character into the events of "A Canterlot Wedding" that does absolutely nothing and makes no difference whatsoever).
Those are all the ones I can think of right now. Hope it helps!
2506374
The way to write thoughts is to either put them in italics, or put a "he thought" after them.
Dialogue was not bad, although the way in which they speak ("he yelled, he whimpered") could have been more detailed.
Glad to help, and I am happy you took this the right way!
what? this is unfinished. What are you, EA?
but for real please make a sequel
followin'
2510568
Thanks for your kind words and your fave and your follow. It means a lot to me.
It's not really unfinished but I left an option to make a sequel.The problem is that I don't really have a plot for it, just a few things I want to do. Do you have any ideas for the plot as a whole?
2504596 Not trying to be an asshole, but the ending was a little… anti-climactic. Other than that it was nice. It's your first story. Mine didn't do so hot either. =D
2554968
Yeah I rushed the ending and especially the last paragraph. I didn't know where the story would go so I just ended it.
2555180 I some times rush mid-story so I could get to the more exciting parts, but that's about it. But like I said, I don't think anyone had a really successful first story. You'll get it next time. =D