4205919 Cheerio. And once again, good luck in that contest (though hopefully not so much that you'll outdo me. I'm no saint...)

4205929 Heh, good luck to you as well!

Finished reviewing Griffon it Another Try

Accepting

This is a nice story, and I liked it. That said, I did have some initial concerns regarding, once again, how long it was, being, once again, a contest entry.

Everything I do seems to revolve around that thing these days.

I think it does show that stuff is missing. Not in such a way that causes me to reject this story, but I'm trying to be thorough. This here is a story about Pinkie getting to know Gilda a bit better. It starts well enough, and Pinkie calls Gilda out for being a thief (calling back to the episode) and Rainbow is suitably outraged. Gilda goes back to work, and Pinkie bounces merrily on her way.

Later, Rainbow explains that Gilda is trying to get better, and that she's been going through a tough time... the works. Here is where it shows that the word limit is causing a bit of a strain: I'm not shown Gilda being better, or going through that tough time. Rainbow is telling me. She does so well (otherwise this might not be an accept) but it does beg the question: is Gilda actually better?

Normally I would be fine with a little uncertainty, but this doesn't strike me as the sort of fic where not knowing really helps. During the whole explanation, I was rather on Pinkie's side, because I had no other facts than the ones I know (the episode) to counter it. And I feel that I really shouldn't have been on Pinkie's side.

Granted, like I said, the explanation is handled diligently, and I can infer that I'm not supposed to be ganging up on Queen Mean (or as I like to call her, Baron Von Grump), so it's not bad. And the rest of the story more than makes up for it. Pinkie feels like she's being herself, not overly mean nor overly forgiving, Rainbow is pretty natural too. I'm slightly surprised that Twilight made an appearance, but hey, she didn't hurt.

The ending is nice, too, but I think the story would have benefited from having more Gilda, and obviously, due to the word count, that's pretty hard. But at least another scene with Gilda would have gone a long way, I think.

It's still a nice story, though, and I don't regret letting it in.

Hey, remember that other group I said I reviewed for and haven't gone back to in ages because reasons? Yeah, that one. Well, I reviewed this story for those guys, and rejected it. But since it was a long time ago in HapHazred years stuff may have been looked at, so I might as well take a quick gander to see if anything got better.

Re-reviewing The Siren Song: Razzle Dazzle Little Stars

And for those of you who're super interested in your resident scottish drunk's career, original review is here.

Finished! And nope, it hasn't changed.

Rejecting

The night sky was familiar to Adagio, Aria and Sonata, as they returned home for the night. They had decided to seclude themselves from the outside world, never showing their faces to anyone but themselves.

Well, hello, exposition! The first chapter is mostly for expositional purposes, but the first line of the story is still a pretty good quote to exemplify this.

Adagio yelled in denial

what THEY pulled

We swore to not sing it, UNLESS, our plan went horribly wrong in the end

Are the capitals necessary? They happen a fair bit, and are rather ugly to look at. What did the italic text ever do to you?

Yeah!

Suddenly, Adagio remembered something and ran upstairs to her room to get something. Aria and Sonata had also seen their colleague going up to get something and decided to follow her up. They wondered whatever it was that Adagio was searching for in this dire time of need.

A wild plot point appears!

I didn't mention it in my Olympus review, or if I did I've forgotten, but the spell used in the first chapter feels a bit cobbled together at the last minute. There's a ton of exposition for it, including how it works, why they didn't use it before, all that stuff, but didn't introduce it all that smoothly. It came off as highly convenient, and I don't like it one bit.

Actually, I'm going to stop reviewing this chronologically, because I want to make a point. I'm going to sum up (give or take) the first seven chapters.

The Dazzlings, defeated, use a spell that turns them into infants, and send themselves to Sunset Shimmer, 'cause. Turns out they can still talk, and they grow up quicker than usual. Sunset takes them in without a question despite being still in human highschool. All her buddies are cool with it. Despite losing their memories, the age regressed Dazzlings know each others names. Then these other guys show up and that's chapter seven, folks.

There are a lot of huge leaps in logic here, and not the Disney kind where you see a humanoid cat and fox and just go with it. Heck, I like those ones. These are human decisions, and they make no sense... at least, not without particularly dexterous and efficient writing.

We do not have this here.

Once she finished eying up the lyrics, Sunset looked down on the sleeping infants, with a tiny smile on her face. She knew in her heart, that everyone deserves a second chance. And while this was a bizarre way to start over, she still found it quite acceptable, and a little bit cute.

That's her whole thought process. We need a helluva lot more. I think detail was spent most describing the visuals, not the actual thoughts and emotions of the characters. Thing is, visuals don't tell stories: characters do, and when all the character thinks is that, it's not enough to properly justify something so momentous. I mean, I can't believe I'm the only guy who wouldn't take in three kids who used to be magical villains without at least checking the orphanage was full first, right?

Right? I'm not a monster? Guys?

...

Okay, I'll be serious. It's just I've reviewed this one before, so I'm playing it a bit looser than usual.

Then this line pops up.

The Dazzlings were about to receive a wonderful new life, under Sunset's care and love.

This is where a lot of stories, particularly of the HapHazred-y one-shot-y variety, would end. We've had our beginning, we've had our conflict, short though it was, and this is our end. Right?

Well, no. But if the story is going to continue, it needs a new conflict. Since the story botched the 'get Sunset to accept three babies into her care' conflict, let's hope the next one is better.

Well, you'll have to wait a few chapters. The next chapter is basically Sunset taking care of three babies. It's more 'cute' visuals, but frankly, I have to wonder who'd find this cute:

"Mowning, Mama." Adagio spoke, and then immediately smiled afterwards. The after-effects of the Second Life Song gave the affected singers the ability to talk, even during their current age. It was still quite high-pitched, as per their new states, but Adagio wasn't bothered by this in the slightest.

Yoo can tawk, Adagio?

I'm far too distracted by how horrible that kid-talk is. Not only is the explanation for it short, and really just there to have 'ooh, the dazzlings can talk' moments, but they do it all the time.

It doesn't make sense. You don't need to have them talk to have cutesie visuals, it just reads poorly.

Anyway, the first bit of the story is only accessible to people who like the idea of age regressed Dazzlings getting taken care of by Sunset Shimmer. If you're willing to look past their dialogue.

So, next conflict: get the dazzlings accepted by the rest of the girls. This should be harder, right?

"Well... this might come as a massive surprise to all three of you..." Sunset said, then paused for a second, dreading the outcome of this. These girls all remembered The Dazzlings as seductive Sirens who almost seized control of CHS yesterday and now she was wondering whether or not they'd be accepting with this fact. "but these girls... are The Dazzlings."

What follows is distinctly better than before. But I found Sunset's response to be both grating and infuriating.

I can see now that YOU, know next to NOTHING about friendship. Shouting at infants like that, what nerves you have..."

And that settles the problem. All the points the characters bring up are ignored, and the conflict is resolved.

So, what else does the story do? I have no idea. The beginning is so messed up, in my opinion, that when they introduced the adventure elements, ie, some other Siren blokes stalking them for whatever reasons, I rejected it from Olympus, and I'm doing the same thing here.

The story feels like it was made to be gratuitous cutesie scenes that got popular and had adventure stuck to the end of it. Until chapter six, it's basically just the dazzlings being cute, in much the same way that sex 'happens' in a gratuitous porn story. The difference being, I actually like reading the porn. Never thought I'd announce that so publicly, but screw it. And even then, I reject the porn, too.

The conflicts are meaningless and get resolved in a few lines. Accepting three children into a household is the sort of thing entire stories are built around, not a chapter or two. The cutesie scenes are not earned.

"So, the lesson here, is that you shouldn't be willing to turn someone away in their time of need?" Applejack asked

Lessons need to be learned. This one is just thrown at the characters, rendering it meaningless and hollow.

And don't get me started on the 'redeem the Dazzlings' element. Memory loss is not something that allows for character growth. It removes character. It makes characters forget, and in this case, they might as well not even be the same characters at all.

I've been a bit more involved in this review than usual, but like I said, that's because I've reviewed it once and I don't think the story has changed. So, let's end on a happy note.

"That was one amazing climax..." Sunset smiled as she gazed upon the shining stars forming some great constellations. She smiled at each of the star patterns, as they reminded her of Twilight quite well. "I gotta hand it to ya, Twilight, You never cease to impress others."

And now I have fulfilled my out of context quotes quota for the month.

I mentioned this in the other review, but this story doesn't seem to know what it is. It doesn't know if it's adventure, or whether it's a family story. Or even just gratuitous cuteness. Heck, I wouldn't mind if it was. I'd reject it, but I'd appreciate it for what it was. This feels like a conflicting mess of tones and themes.

And finally, before I leave for, like, a while, the music. Inserting music/youtube videos breaks all the immersion I could have had. Especially when some of them got youtube-deleted.

And on that note, I'm afraid I'm going to have to inform you that this is the last one I'll be doing for a few days, due to travel combined with a distinct lack of functioning laptops. I'll be sure to get back to it when I have a computer again, though.

4206281 Yay for Scottish, boo for lack of laptops! Have a fun 'vacation'

4205238 Thank you for your review of my novel. I'll fix it. I also have many more chapters in the works, but it will take me some time before I can publish any.

On a separate note,
4123990

I'd appreciate it if you PM me once you've made changes so I can give it another look, if that's okay. Otherwise I may never find out stuff has been changed.

Due to your review, I made several changes in I Ain't Your Sacrifice.

4181269

this is a story I personally enjoyed, but I think it needs a look-over before it gets in.

As you suggested, I changed the story at its core. Forget Love is no longer a parody.

4206269 I do plan on making it better, but I want to get finished with the final story in the trilogy before I proofread it all again.

4206370 Oh, it was. I tried several different craft ales with my family before I got back here.

Also, I'm back.

4207904 Changes? Om nom nom, I shall eat those right up. I'll get back to you!

4218371 The savor has returned! All hail the one true protector of sanity and good fanfiction! Wait... isn't that an oxymoron?

4218371 Changes, indeed. Due to your reviews, I went back and reread both fics at least 10 times. I made at least 100 changes to them. I'm much happier with them now, and I have you to thank for it.

4219218 Once, I read a story about a couple who visited Venice. They were madly in love, and kept on making innuendo jokes about the guy's... oar. Years passed and they became old and loathesome. Eventually, the old man decides to murder his wife, but keels over from a heart attack before he can.

The old lady, unaware of his plan, takes his ashes, and, I shit you not, turns him into a friggin' glass dildo. So that he can always be, and I quote, 'hard'.

Why am I telling you this? To highlight my point that fanfiction, somehow, can be much, much better than written and published works.

But typically, you are correct.

4220743 Haha. Oh trust me, I've seen some whoppers over the years. But just to prove printed fiction from acclaimed authors can be weird as hell too:

Pierce Anthony cowrote a story back in the 70's or 80's about a average joe nobody who gets a job taking care of a 13 year old autistic girl for the summer. Then aliens show up and reveal the girl is not autistic, but simply their queen who because she is an alien, doesn't think lime humans do. The enemy empire is hot on their trail and they need the queen to be fully educated to command their super weapon to protect them from the aliens so they rewrite the girls memories to think its been 5 years since they rescued her, but because she had fallen in love with joe nobody, she includes herself finaly convincing him to make love to her when she was 17... in the fake memories she is implanted with. So now you have a 13 year old who thinks she is 18, is the queen of the universe and controls a doomsday weapon at thought, and Joe has to keep having sex with her because otherwise it will break the implanted memories and put her back into her autistic coma.

So yeah. Famous author of over 90 books writes what amounts to kiddy porn.

Reviewed Days of the Sun are Always Bright

Rejecting

She carefully, and gently handled the mother bird in the bush, luckily, she only suffered a broken wing when the wind blew hard, making the baby bird fall of the nest, and the nest flew into bush, that's how the mother bird flew in to find her nest and the force of the landing had made her injure her wing.

What did the full stop ever do to you, Thespia?! It didn't mean to hurt you!

"I can believe I did it, I got over my fear of the forest", Fluttershy said, in a loud cheer. "Now I feel like I can talk to everypony without being afraid."

Just... I don't even know how to say that you need to set this kind of huge leap in logic up without saying everything I've already said before. I feel like a broken record.

Pacing, two dimensional characters, hollow ending.

Grammar doesn't help either.

For more details, see some of my previous explanations. You all know the drill by now.

Up next: Splash!

Did I mention I'm a malicious AppleDasher? I feel I'm going to enjoy this one, whatever my decision may be.

Okay, I have to go for a walk because my heart exploded due to AppleDash. I promise I'll come up with an unbiased commentary later but this is too cute.

Okay, reviewed Splash

Accepting

I promise I'm not doing this due to shippers bias. It's a genuinely fun story, and does a lot of things right.

Like the characters. They are themselves: they're acting like Applejack and Rainbow should, and one of the reasons I love AppleDash so much is because those two being themselves around each other are just so much fun to read. They're the highlight of the story, in my opinion. Applejack and Rainbow manage adorable and competitive at the same time wonderfully, and this story squeezes this part of them out brilliantly.

I think the premise is fun, too. Although I swear I've read it before... but that's besides the point. It plays on both characters competitivity, love of fun, and the romantic side of the ship quite well. It works.

If I had a problem with it, it'd be the transition from Dash's accident to the romantic confession. I guess it came a bit too suddenly for my tastes, and is a bit jarring, but that's all I can really think of. We get to see their thoughts and how they come to their conclusion, and though it's a bit quick on Applejack's side, I think it holds it's own.

Maybe not perfect, but good enough for anyone who's a fan of fun-loving shipping, AppleDash or no. I think there's more to this story than the AppleDash content, so as far as I'm concerned, it gets in.

Letting in Bad Dragon's 'Forget Love' since it's now a lot more straightforward, impactful, and minus one or two grammar/phrasing things I've pointed out to him, I think it's a good all rounder.

4220945 And that 50 bucks we slipped you helped too right?

4220956 Please. If you're gonna' bribe me, use either british pounds or euros.

What good is american money over here?! I can't use this!

4220958 I would be insulted and demand my money back, since I'm Canadian, but then you'd point out that $50 cdn is only worth about 8 pounds or 12 euro's and I'd end up going home crying so I'll let you have this victory. Grudgingly.

Jeez, this dude critiques so... harshly.
I feel somewhat scared out of my mind. ._.

4221180 I try pointing out what works, and what doesn't. I don't typically try to be harsh, although if you're looking at some of my later ones, they might seem that way. I've been more than a little frustrated with around a dozen stories by a specific author, and while normally I'm fine with that, I keep on feeling that I'm saying the same thing over and over and over, which isn't really my fault or even the author's, since she's just submitted her stories here, and there's no real problem in that.

But it is frustrating to review constantly, so there's that.

4220961

At least you likely don't live in a city with a sizeable Native population.

Often are the days in which I hear the haunting cry of the wild indian: "FUCK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE FUCK OUT YOU!" or "Hey, you got a smoke/some change?"

>> HapHazred Oh oh, I see. Well, that is somewhat comforting. .3.'

4221217 Hopefully. I don't like scaring people out of their wits, at least. It hearkens back to the type of reviewer who thinks that a good review is equivalent to most feelings hurt, and I don't want to be that kind of reviewer.

4221211 I work Midnights at a gas station on the highway leading to the local reserve [about 40 minutes drive out], so we often have drop offs by the city police who 'have done nothing worth charging them with, and a ride is on the way, but they are drunk so they will just sit on the bench until their ride comes' and then of course, the ride never shows up. Or takes 6 hours to do said 40 minute drive.

Because I'm 6'4" and 300 lbs I don't get too much lip, but they love to call bullshit when I say I don't smoke so they can't bum a smoke.

But whatever, they are still better then 95% of the white people we get in... and I am white. Anyways, this is off topic so we butter stop before Hap slaps us, and not in the good way.

4221224 An honest review might be damaging sometimes, but a review that sucks up to the story writer doesn't help improve anything, so an expert level of moderation is always key.

4221282 Obviously. But you know the kind of reviewer I'm talking about. There's a big difference between honesty and rudeness, and I'd rather someone doesn't learn anything than be scared away from writing because I've been a dick. I guess that's a personal preference, though. Both aren't great.

Oh, and in regards to your previous comment:

4221291 Mummm, hurts so good.

And more seriously, yeah, it was something I use to see all the time when I hung out in the Rage Review group. It was fun, but 95% of the authors who got stories reviewed refused to see the serious suggestions being made, or threw a tantrum and deleted the story outright. It was just sad. That's why I like the way you review. I'm sure some people will still explode at you, but in general, you appear to do a great job of giving quite a detailed listing of problems that need to be addressed.

4221302 Explode? Almost certainly. But I try not to go out of my way to see fireworks. It's just a thing that will occasionally happen, and I'm cool with that. Que sera, sera, and all that french.

Also let in Bad's I Ain't Your Sacrifice, for the same reason as the last one. It's been looked at, and I'm satisfied with it. It's interesting, a worthwhile read, and shouldn't be too hard on grammar addicts.

Reviewed Rarity gets Mugged

Rejecting under advisement

First off, I enjoyed this one. It's short, and doesn't waste it's time, but still felt pretty complete and got it's point across. It's just a few technical things that annoy me right now.

Little things like a choice of verb, shown here:

“From the sleeting snow or in apprehension?” Rarity considered

'Considered' feels misused, here. I don't feel it should be used as a replacement for thought concerning two possibilities, if that makes sense.

The formatting is especially strange. As far as I'm concerned, I'm sticking with the writing guide provided on Fimfiction regarding the matter: either space out each paragraph with a line in between, or indent paragraphs (or both, if you're feeling adventurous). Here, some lines are spaced out, but some aren't, and it's quite pesky.

“Are you deaf!?” The teenager demanded impatiently as she nervously brandished the knife, her breath visible from the cold night air “I said: Give me your money!”

Rarity’s vacant, enchanted stare remained unbroken as she slowly continued to lower her hands.
She was astonished to find that she was not quivering or cowering before her assailant. She was not concerned for her own safety.
She instead found herself being rapidly overtaken by compassionate concern for the trembling mugger.

It's stuff like that which prevents me from properly appreciating the story, which is, like I said, quite nice. I enjoyed Rarity's stance, and the mugger's stance which progressively changed. When going through the story I was worried that the leap in logic involved (mugger goes to get food with Rarity later) would be jarring, but I think it's set up correctly.

But the formatting, combined with some odd and very adverby choices of words is a bit of a downer. I think it's an easy fix, though, and wouldn't mind seeing the author come back after looking over the story again so I can accept it. The story and characters carry itself, but it needs to get rid of the excess weight, so to speak.

In any case, that's my stance on the matter.

Reviewed A very Special Butterfly

Rejecting

I get the impression that the author's favourite pony is Fluttershy.

It's odd, but Fluttershy is my least favourite. Not because I don't like her or anything (goodness knows she's still likable, and I do enjoy her a lot) but she's just... so... boring. I find her a bit dull most of the time. The whole shyness thing grew old pretty quickly, and compared to ponies like Rarity, Applejack (who both have very distinctive behaviors and voices) Pinkie (who at least is always demanding my attention) and above all, Rainbow Dash (who often steals a lot of scenes she's in, second only to Pinkie in that regard), Fluttershy never gave me much to look at.

But I have to admit, she's a particularly relatable character, especially for people with confidence issues (and I've been there, so I know what I'm talking about). Originally, when I first began watching, flutters was one of my top faves.

Here, I think we're treated to the sort of vision of Fluttershy an absolute flutterfan would have. She's kind, good with animals, and can do no wrong. And, even more so than the real one, she's dull as wallpaper. Fluttershy always struck me as being defined by her flaws a lot more than a lot of characters... for heavens sake, it's even in her name.

Why am I saying this? Because I realized, interestingly enough, that this story and the one I just reviewed before are remarkably similar. They're both short, they both have a member of the mane six give advice and help a troubled kid. But one was enjoyable and fun, the other... not so much.

Rarity in the previous story was driven by her generosity and selflessness. She was perfectly suited to the task she was set to accomplish: help a young thief. Applebloom is upset she's being bullied for being a blank-flank, and Fluttershy is, here, supposed to be perfect for that task too.

But instead of putting Fluttershy in a situation where she can just be herself, and solve the matter due to who she is, the story rehashes how Fluttershy got her cutie mark. It's not new, or interesting. It just serves to put Fluttershy in a good light... but a boring light. I found it amazing that the previous story got more character into Rarity in a late-night diner with exactly the same word count as this one.

The dialogue matters, too. Rarity had tone: she was sarcastic, teasing, and a few other things besides. Fluttershy is...

"Trust me, I know what it's like when bullies pick on you, and tell you you're not special, and you may never find your talent".
"You do?"
"Oh yes, when I was your age, I was very shy, and bullies picked on me all the time."
"I bet they called you a blank flank."
" Yes, and they also told me I'll never be able to fly. And it was true, at flight camp, I couldn't get my wings off the clouds."
"Who stood up for you?"
"Rainbow Dash, of course. Up until recently, she was the only friend I had."
"That sounds sad."

Voiceless. No time is taken to give her tone and feeling, and any character she had before (you know, the um-ing and shyness shtick) is thrown away to make Fluttershy look better. It doesn't work. I've seen it before from the same author regarding Fluttershy becoming a princess. Her flaws aren't resolved or overcome, they're removed. Along with any interest for the character I previously had.

This is all probably pretty vague, and only really makes sense in my own head, but I'm trying to be thorough. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the author needs patience, and needs to take the time to let the characters in her stories shine and be themselves. She needs to stop rushing to the next dialogue point and explain how they speak.

But in the case of Fluttershy, I want something else. I want the author to make full use of her character, from her shyness to her kindness, from the bad to the good. Even though she's my least favourite, she's a very interesting and worthwhile character (as are they all) and the best way to properly show her in the best light possible is to include every aspect of her, and confront every flaw, and every strength, she has.

The moral of this story is that everypony is special, but until Fluttershy is treated as a three dimensional, complete character, she's really not. And that's counter to the very theme of the story, and in fact, most of these stories. They take away what makes each character special, and it strikes me as plain hypocritical, even if it is on accident.

So that's that. Exactly why I dislike the characters from these stories so much. I understand it's a jumbled mess of an explanation, but like I said, I just want to be as thorough as I can.

Oh, and uh, the usual reasons for rejection too. Pacing, characters, and for a change, really weird formatting. Just in case that whole ramble isn't enough grounds for proper rejection.

They were a bright greenish blue. And her name was Fluttershy.

Okay, I get that double spaces is a typo, but how did you manage triple?

Fine, that was overly snarky. But really, that's a new one.

4224388 Glad you enjoyed the story ^.^

I've made the revisions to the paragraphing (the text-editor has an auto-indenter, who'da funk it!?).

However, I must confess, I take some issue with your other requests.
Foremost, I'm afraid that I don't understand what you found disagreeable with the choice of using the word 'considered'.
If it's simply verb meaning, I assure you, I take every effort to make sure the verbs I use fit the concept I aim to portray.
'Consider' is defined as:
1) to think carefully about (something), typically before making a decision.
2) look attentively at.

Rarity is both looking attentively at the hand and knife trembling before her and thinking carefully about whether this is because the hoodlum is simply cold or if it is because they 'aren't the criminal type', so to speak, Or perhaps: it's both these reasons.

4224512 Whilst I'm not keen to argue on one specific word choice (just 'cause it's awfully nitpicky), I'm sticking to my guns.

Rarity could 'consider' that the mugger is trembling from apprehension, or she could consider that she's trembling from the cold. Here, I feel it's being used to replace the word 'thought' or another synonym, which don't work in quite the same way.

“From the sleeting snow or in apprehension?” Rarity thought.

"Perhaps due to apprehension," Rarity considered.

I dunno, but the both of these hit my ear a lot better than '“From the sleeting snow or in apprehension?” Rarity considered.' I won't press the issue, especially since the formatting's getting looked at, and that was my main concern, but I can't help but feel a bit uneasy on that word choice.

4224522
Fair enough =)

Do you mind if I ask for an ETA (estimated time of announcement ) on the final verdict?

4224545 In the middle of doing another review, but I'll try to get on it later today. Never fear.

Well, I come from The Land Down-Under so I'll be off to bed now.

...Sorry for spamming

MOTM's What's faster, Light or Sound?

Accepting

Long story short, light is faster, but that's not really what the story is about. This is a fun little thing about Rainbow Dash challenging Celestia to a race. She thinks she'll have no trouble winning: after all, Celestia looks big and heavy, and how can anything big and heavy ever go fast?

Well, science tells me that the more mass you have to move, the more inertia you have, but given enough mechanical work, a larger mass can, indeed, go to comparable speeds. But they won't accelerate as—

Okay, okay, children's cartoon. I'll save the science for another day. It turns out that Celestia is the first pony to perform a sonic rainboom: a very nice tough that I personally enjoyed. Needless to day, Dash won't find this as easy a race as she thought.

The story itself is quite economic in how it's told... perhaps a bit too economic. I wouldn't have minded a bit more description, something to soak up my attention whilst reading, but it never descends into boring territory, mostly because of what's going on. There's always something happening, whether it's Rainbow being Rainbow, Celestia smirking and beating her wings, them crashing... it's paced appropriately and is easy to follow, which is good considering so much stuff happens.

It would have been very easy to dump one big action paragraph in one go and lose me completely. Instead it's spread out quite nicely, and works pretty well.

I think in terms of problems, it starts a bit abruptly, but that just serves to get us to the important bits faster (which is something I appreciate). I think that the middle starts to get a bit dry, considering they're racing and not much apart from that happens. Thankfully, the race does end quite quickly, so it doesn't drag on and keeps me entertained. It doesn't overstay it's welcome and that's a good thing.

One main issue I have though, is that it didn't feel like a comedy. A light hearted story, yes, but not a comedy. That's not to say I'm unhappy with it, but it didn't have a lot I think would make people laugh. I did smile throughout the whole thing, though, but that's mostly because of Rainbow Dash (my favourite pony for exactly this kind of reason).

In short, it's, well, a short story designed to be entertaining, and it does it's job. People looking for deeper meaning will be disappointed, and I'll be the first to admit the story is a bit one-note, but the characters are fun, the premise is fun, and there are plenty of cool little lines in there to spice it up. I enjoyed it, and I hope other people will too. If it were to be improved, more descriptions.

*Reads reviews and shrugs* Nope. Not yet. I guess it is a long story, I'll wait. I'm patient.

4224860 I tend to review shortest to longest in order to keep numbers down. Get the easy ones out of the way, y'know?

I figured as much. Just hadn't checked in a few days and thought I'd poke my head in and see.

4224871 You know, my story has gotten 15k longer since I added it.

*Insert evil laughter here*

...

In fact, here, I'll add said evil laughter myself!

Reviewed Friendship is Music

Rejecting

Whilst a nice enough story in of itself, I have some problems with how it's told. This is a little one-shot about Vinyl and Octavia at a concert. I don't think it's anything particularly groundbreaking, and there are plenty of Octavia and Vinyl stories of similar types. But that's not the reason I'm failing this story.

The first part with Vinyls thoughts is really, really jarring and tell-y. I'm having all this backstory and explanation thrown at me, and it doesn't feel natural.

‘This is my time. Oh yes, nothing is better than throwing a concert at night. Making music come alive through my mad skills is what I do best; it’s why my cutie mark is about music. I am Vinyl Scratch, greatest DJ in Equestria; though most know me better by my stage name DJ PON-3. Once more I stand before my turntables on my set up, waiting for the curtain to draw so we can get his party started.’

It's mostly exposition, and it's told quite bluntly. I much preferred the second half, where Octavia is acting and reacting to her surroundings, whilst still thinking about Vinyl and what's going on. It was more subdued, and it worked a lot better in my opinion. It was a lot more fluid than:

‘Though to be truthful, even for a pony as amazing as I am, it can sometimes be difficult to get on stage each night and perform my best. Some nights in fact, it can almost be impossible. All those ponies out there, all of them looking at you, watching you, judging every little thing you do… having to strive to make every performance better than the last, to make sure they keep coming back time and time again. It can just weigh a pony down so much, ya know?’

There are some other problems in there too which need to be addressed. Improper capitalization, and a few clumsy sentences.

Big Deal!

ponies are just a Bunch of stuck up

Regardless of the atmosphere she knew loved it, it was… fun… yes.

and now she was one of the best Cellist in Canterlot and often hired to play for their parties.

The gray earth pony replies with a gentle smile, playing up her Canterlot accent a bit knowing that makes her sound kinda haughty as it bugged Vinyl somewhat and enjoyed using it to annoy her friend occasionally and today she really wanted to play that side up.

What did the full stop ever do to you?!

Octavia meeps a bit at the sudden hug,

The day I accept 'meep' as a verb is the day I turn in my hip flask.

The ending was quite nice, but I can't get past the first half with Vinyl, and I would really like the issues I mentioned (not all of which are listed above, just some) to be looked at. It's a decent enough short story, but being what it is, it's not inventive enough for me to look past the missteps it makes.

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Great review, I tried to make the action interesting but also not dry. I've gotten a few comments stating that they would like a little more description. I've found that the more in write the more I'm clearing up these issues.

Awesome Review!

Reviewed Peachy Pie's Very Special Somepony

Accepting

I hate kids. Supposedly I'm good with them, but I hate their guts. They just rub me the wrong way. Just noise on one end and stink on the other. Anyway, if kids were as cute in reality as they are in this story, I think I'd be cool with them.

There's something about writing children that I frankly just don't get. They think differently, and it's hard for me to get a bead on them. I suppose it's why I found reading this story kind of surreal, I guess. It felt simpler, and whilst perhaps not the best portrayal of kids I've seen, it's certainly a good one, and well worth reading.

This is a story about Peachy Pie trying to find a special somepony. Why? Because it's hearts and hooves day, and kids are like that. Need another reason? Why? They're kids, they do stuff like that.

The story then follows her and Sunny (another kid) as they look around for a pony Peachy can... hang out with, I guess. They're underage, and this is rated everyone, so... get your minds out of the gutter. We take a look at a lot of possible suitors (and suitoresses) and Peachy finds flaws with all of them. Fussy little brat. What's wrong with videogames, anyway?

Ahem, sorry. I'm a bit romantically frustrated. Moving on.

It's quite an innocent story, which the characters work well in. I guess if I had a problem with it, it'd be that Peachy and Sunny were a bit forgettable... kind of like the 'average kid' character that could be easily interchangeable. But, really, I don't have a problem with that. They do their job, and do it well. It's a nice story, and is fun to read. It doesn't waste time in getting to it's conflict, and doesn't let up 'till it's over, either. I enjoyed it.

The malicious shipper in me wanted a different ending (Sunny x Peachy, if you must know... so what if it's stupidly cliched? I'm a simple man with simple tastes) but I think the ending was really quite nice. It's a fun, innocent read, and again, if you're looking for deeper meaning, you'll probably be a bit disappointed, but in terms of an innocent little romantic one-shot, this is really very nice. Grammar is fine, pacing is fine, characters are fine (if a little dull, but that's kids for you) and the story is enjoyable. I think this is an easy choice to make, frankly.

4226039 Yay! Thanks.

But who says there was no Sunny x Peachy ending?

"With Celestia as my witness, by the time the sun goes down, I will have found my somepony!"

Who does she watch the sunset with?

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