Rarity gets mugged --but things don't go according to the script...
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- Member Since 20th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 17th, 2023
Atreyu
Jesus said to them: "Healthy people don't need a doctor; sick people do. I have come not for those who think they are righteous, but for those who know they are sinners and need to repent." ~Luke 5:32
Atreyu
Joined 20th Jan, 2015 ·
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The apostrophe police would like to have a word with you.
Yeah, I read the original.
Rare for a criminal , Armed robbery He got 15 years, Truck Hijacking splattered in the street , Shot at returned fire, He ran for his life. . .Sure different around this neck of Los Angeles. . .(year 1990)
Nice story, i liked.
Love your neighbour as yourself?
Scripture in a story: double like
The story was sweet, and something I would see Rarity doing. though you could improve the way it's written.
5611786
ouch. Guess she got the point.
I received a call from 5611247 regarding the need for some Grammar Gestapo action, with backup from the Punctuation Patrol. The use of apostrophe + S in both the title and description is contrary to grammer/punctuation guidelines. Except in very specific cases regarding the contraction of a noun and is, the word directly preceding the apostrophe is stated to have ownership of what follows the S. In the case of "Rarity Get's Mugged," what is actually happening is Get owning a past tense mugging whilst Rarity sits around being superfluous... as usual. Using my powers as grammar judge and jury I sentence you to write about "Rarity's Mugging," or simply put, "Rarity Gets Properly Mugged."
5612482 Oh crapsies! /o0o\
Thanks for the correction! How embarrassing! I guess proof-reading at 1am was not a wise idea
5611884 Thanks ^.^ Do you mean 'improved' as in grammar or execution?
Welp, I'm glad I read this one. Well done, quality-wise especially.
I like the story, but i have one thing to say that bugs me. The point of view it looks like you are trying to write from and the pov it actually seems to be are two different things. The use of pronouns versus nouns give you the initial reaction that we are seeing this from the teen's eyes, but then it gets confusing because we are in Rarity's head with her thoughts. it looked like you were trying to go from Rarity's pov or both at the same time. while this can work, you need to be careful with how you word it, especially when both characters share the same pronouns (gender-wise). Looking back, i think the main thing that started the snowball down the hill was the fact that you never initially stated that the mugger was a girl. This leads to confusion when you start throwing the feminine pronouns at us with the knowledge that we a have 1 girl character and 1 unknown that most people assume is a boy because of society stereotypes (which i just need to briefly say is not sexist. it is just a fact of life that most people will assume a non-named character is male, especially if it is a mugger).
I guess the point of all my rambling is just to say in the future try to define whose pov we are at a little more clearly, because it can be really confusing and hard to figure out otherwise, and with a good story, you should know who we are with almost instantly. I love the idea and descriptive phrases, though!
5613139 Thank you for the feedback, I relish it
I know what you mean too. Originally I was going to write the teenager as a gender neutral character ('they') but, I felt like that might distance them a bit too much. I then went to make them male so as to avoid our little dilemma. But when I realised it would be kinda weird if Rarity offered a guy an exquisite womens designer parka, I decided it was time to do a bit of a re-write to the intro paragraphs.
But, yes. I agree, I struggled to make it clear from the beginning.
I've made some editions. So I hope those help
Pretty cool story.
While it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a great blessing.
5613649
Well said, General
Neat story, although I'm kinda bemused to find that it basically just copy/pastes the IRL tale. Also, the writing could be a tad more subtle, but overall it's a heartwarming read.
I was expecting Rarity go kung fu on that girl's ass, but this is nice as well. Makes sense she'd do something like that, generosity and everything.
5611786
Well, you can't be a hero if you won't risk getting stabbed once in a while.
Besides, kung fu.
5614000
I can't express in words how much I enjoyed that comment
So imma give you a watch instead.
I re-read the story and I just have to say, you did a great job with the edit. All the confusion disappeared. I didn't have to re-read sections for clarity this time.
Written a bit wonkily, but I enjoyed it.
Generosity strikes again.
I get the feeling that the business is populated by people Rarity's helped find work in the past, and the mugger's going to end up getting employed there.
I read this and was like "What, hands?".
Then I went back and saw the Human tag.
Cover Picture is misleading.
5620177 It is isn't it. I will say: It wasn't my first choice.
I endeavoured to create a good picture of a human rarity, with the jacket and the falling snow and all. But my ability to draw is limited, and I couldn't find any decent existing pictures of a human rarity. So in the end I just settled for a good vector of her looking worried =)
5620389
There's always the option of not having a picture. Or using something symbolic and not really related.
5621714 Got have something.
What can I say: I've always been a sucker for good covers
I'll take another shot at getting a better cover image.
Very enriching story bro!
Decent story, as I could definitely see where you were going with this, and the plot was clear, interesting, and concise in my opinion. However, there were a lot of style and grammar errors from what I could tell, and the prose did feel a little repetitive at times. I'd recommend looking over some grammar rules and sentence variety tips, as they have all helped me improve bit by bit. I can tell you put a lot of effort into this story, and while it needs some work, you have a lot of potential. I wish you the best of luck in your future writing endeavors.
Oh hey, The Art of Manliness.
5612482 Meanwhile, on behalf of the Semantic Inquisition, I rule that the literary quality of the story demonstrates sufficient adherence to proper linguistic values, and that the various syntax errors, notably a tense issue in the second paragraph, constitute pardonable offenses. I encourage the author to look further into specific doctrines to address these errors, but maintain that he or she remains in good standing.
5632070 Wow
Now, I like to consider myself quite savvy to the art of fany-pantsery when it comes to talking but-- day-um! That was some mighty fine eloquence right there!
...Anyway, for the record: Seven Fates posted that statement prior to the grammatical changes I then did to the initial writing...which, at the time, was patchier than a pirate
Although this "tense issue in the second paragraph" is news to me. Could you point it out so I can rectify the mishap?
5632089 I'm a Semantic Inquisitor. It comes with the territory
"Demanded" is in the past tense, while "brandishing" is in the present-participle tense. I recommend using "brandished" there, as converting the sentence to present-tense would require using "brandishes" anyway.
5632139 How have I missed that so many times
I could actually see this happening. The fact that it already did just makes it better. Good show. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I only wish you had expanded further on the story. Really make it your own. But it's great to have been made aware of that. The good deeds rarely get any attention over the bad ones. I wouldn't be surprised if Rarity put in a good word for her to be at least a dishwasher at the place and work her way up to being a server and eventually get her life straightened out. After all, give a man a fish and he'll be fed for a day, teach him to fish and he'll be fed for life. (short of overfishing and all that jazz, but you get the point!)
Thank-you all so very deeply for taking the time to read my story! I am truly flattered with the volume of welcome reception it has received.
I thank-you all for your kind words, positive ratings, additions to libraries and, of course, the helpful feedback.
I invested a little bit of my heart into this story, so I'm really glad that people are reading and enjoying it.
Thanks again, please keep sharing and enjoying this story and I hope to continue publishing more stories in the future =)
Hey again. Finished reviewing the story for the Goodfic Bin, and there are just a handful of technical things that I'd like you to look at before I accept it, particularly the formatting.
Details are here. I did enjoy this story though, so once things are looked at I'd be happy to let it in.
Here, I have a ribbon for you.
i.imgur.com/GizVyc0.png
Don't tell anyone I gave this to you retroactively. I might have to go around and give everyone their ribbons, and do you know how many of you there are? Like, more than ten.
More than ten!
I like the story. Also:
Do we have some Christianity here? These are some Jesus teachings. “The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.””
Mark 12:31 NIV
Imteresting...
I am completely awestruck.........Thanks for sharing.
ha even thought that girl thought she won, Rarity and her smpathy and smooth talking always pevails in the end