Limits · 3:24pm Apr 2nd, 2022
This isn't the announcement, not yet anyway (maybe later today but don't get your hopes up). It's an explanation.
I'm alive, but struggling. I'm pretty sure at this point that, barring some miracle, I will be forced to retire from my dream job as a university teacher due to the progression of my disability. This has been hard for me to accept.
I wish!
I'm barely able to do my job at present and I don't have energy for anything else apart from Twitter BS. I can't even bring myself to talk to friends online through Discord, though I'm trying to work up the nerve. The semester ends in a month so I'll be able to focus on just being alive after that, and maybe even write some horse words again. It'll still be slow, but presumably faster than zero Miles Prower.
We'll be okay, I think. Jewel can get insurance through his job, though I worry about his health all the time. It's difficult for him to work due to the generalized anxiety, but his workplace is tolerant of him being unexpectedly unable to work for days at a time. I'll try to get on disability, though I hear that's a doubleplusunfun challenge. I can do YouTube stuff to quell the teaching bug if I need to. Maybe my condition will improve someday and I can return to teaching, but my optimism at this point is—at best—forced and plastic.
I feel guilty and exhausted, and the depression is constant. My parents are old and my mother has dementia. There's so much hate in the world today, everypony on all sides of every argument thinks they have the right to punch complete strangers they don't know but believe they disagree with, people are misinformed and unwilling to listen, and I feel as though I've lost the ability to help make this toxic world a better place. I've watched my body and mind fall apart slowly over the past twenty years for reasons no doctor can explain. And I can't stop thinking about all the people I love and respect who hate me. It's fascinating, but maddening. More importantly, it is no longer something I can pretend isn't happening to me.
Thorax helps a lot, as do the others. We have money, for now. I'm healthy otherwise, and privileged in a lot of ways. I cannot seriously complain about the hoof I've been dealt. It's just very hard and I'd like to turn down the difficulty setting someday, even though this is something I can rarely bring myself to do when I play games like this one. I'm just too much of a stickler for a kind of perfection that doesn't exist. I don't consider something won unless I did everything, every step of the way, all by myself, with no errors whatsoever; so I never truly win. But that's okay, because it's the thrill of the impossible pursuit that matters to me.
A quote from my story Ashes:
"I suppose nopony is perfect," said Celestia, her visage retreating to the practiced, soft smile of a diplomat.
"Not even princesses?" said Luna, rakishly raising a brow.
"Especially not princesses," stressed Celestia, and for the briefest moment, her smile lifted into a genuine grin.
Everypony has limits.
Hey, self-care takes priority. We can wait until you have enough spoons available to expend some on horsewords. Here's hoping that comes soon.
Well just take care of what you need to and sorry you have to deal with all of this
Well, here they are:
Except, of course, power. Power doesn't have a limit:
I kinda think "some folks have it worse" isn't that great of counterargument. You totally can (if you want to)
Take care of yourself first.
I can't imagine the exhaustion intermixed with the desire to keep on teaching; I pray that you'll find a balance that leaves you fulfilled.
There's still goodness in the world. Help those who need help, and promote good values.
Those who won't change, won't change, but regardless of all that: you can always lend a helping hand, voice, or ear.
Take care.
I'm so sorry you've had so much shit piled on you Trick, you deserve none of it.
Take care of yourself first.
What's stopping you? Are you worried about disturbing them, or how they might react? Or just can't think of what to say to them?
I do hope that you manage to talk to someone. As a software developer, I can confirm that a rubber duck is a useful tool indeed. Lately when my OCD has really been tearing me down, I've actually tried talking to myself and explaining my own problems rationally to myself. It would sound completely insane to anyone listening, I'm sure (which is why I make sure I'm alone when I do it...), but it's helped to take the edge off sometimes.
Maybe try to find a safe space on Discord that you can find solace in? For example I'm in a couple of Discord servers which are small, quiet circles of sensible acquaintances. I wouldn't say that they're a solution for my anxiety, but it makes me feel better that they're there.
Not to tell you what to do, but I don't know if Twitter is the healthiest place for someone struggling with anxiety. A continuous feed of contextless micro-takes coming from all directions feels quite exhausting.
I'm very similar in that I hate to claim a victory that wasn't completely my own - which means I play some games for years without winning because I refuse to look at strategy guides or walkthroughs. I am at least more tolerant of errors than I used to be, in no small part thanks to a certain show about colorful horses. After all, an imperfect win means that there's still ways in which I can become even better.
All I can say is I've been looking into disability as well, and the best advice I found was 'get a lawyer who specializes in it'. :B
I hope you can at least find some solace soon. D:
I'm really sorry to hear you might need to give up your well-loved job.
I agree with hawthornbunny on this!
Well I know that feel. It's getting worse every day. Honestly, I just try not to think about it anymore.
Oh, dear; I'm sorry your health's been giving you so much trouble, and about your job.
Good luck, and thank you again for the good you do in general, and the good you've done for me.
Well, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope that things will improve for you.
Hope for the best; hope it doesn't get worse :v
You're one of the most important things in your life; as a lover, your partner needs you; as a teacher, your students need you; as a parent, your kids (will always) need you.