Truly sorry about this but I just need to vent · 3:35am Jul 14th, 2021
.
Several times in the past, I have posted what I call "Drunk Depressed Regret Blogs," because when I posted them I was drunk, I was depressed, and I regretted them the next morning, usually to the point of deleting them and hoping everyone forgets. Well, while I am depressed, I'm not drunk... at least not yet. Still, I need to vent my spleen about my current situation, and this is my only method to do so. Well, the only method that wont make my mom and sister freak out.
You know, people sometimes ask themselves or others, "Hey, if you could travel back in time, where would you go?" Some give a general time frame, like the height of the Roman empire, the time of Confucius, or the 2nd Continental Congress. Other may give specific dates of historical events, like the moon landing, or the birth of Hitler, for obviously yet arguably dark reasons. But for me, I know exactly the date I would go back to.
October 21st, 2016. The day I got out of the Army. Reason being that at the time, I was pretty set financially. I had a fully paid off truck and motorcycle, I had a few thousand dollars in my checking account, and I think like $15,000 in my savings, zero credit card debt, and pretty good physical health. Combined with my Disability and retirement, I had a lot of options open for me.
And I fucked up every single one.
Mainly due to my childish, immature screeches of, "I don't wanna go back to school!!!" I spun some bullshit about trying to prove my grandma wrong when she said I'd never amount to anything if I didn't go to college, but the truth is I'm a lazy piece of shit, and because I hated high school, I would of course hate college. And so, I made the genius decision to ignore all the skills I had gained as a broadcaster and tried to become a long haul truck driver. I was so confident this was the life for me, that I sold my truck because hey, if I'm always gonna be on the road, why pay for two vehicles? Why did I do this? Because I like long distance driving, and it sounded easy.
It was not. I didn't even make it through my training period before having three accidents and getting fired. So, I moved back home. I got a place at an extended stay, pay by the week hotel, and lived there for three months, sending out applications to every radio station in Houston and DC. Why DC? Because I loved the area, I wanted to avoid family drama by leaving home, and I was still hung up on my ex-boyfriend in the area, whom I had broken it off with because of my own insecurities. So that's three months of $100 a week, plus ordering food every night, because why buy frozen dinners when I can have a big expensive meal at the push of a button?! Have I mentioned this is when I began to gain weight? Sure, I could have just gone to school and saved the hassle and money, but I don;t wanna go back to school!!
SO I finally got one single callback for a radio station in DC and got the job. Oh, but if I"m going cross country, I need a car, right? SO I sold my motorcycle and bought a new truck. Not a cheap but reliable used car with high gas mileage, but a brand new, top of the line truck. I mean, why not? I have a job now! It's okay, though, It wasn't the big huge Chevy Silverado! No, it was only the Colorado!
SO now I have to move to DC, which is more money, but when I get there, things seem fine! Heck, I can keep ordering food every night, because hey, I have a job now! Never mind that the savings account is slowly dwindling. I barely ever check it, so it;s like it's not even a problem! Oh, but after a while, I felt the need to get another motorcycle. Why? Well, riding helps me deal with things! I mean okay, I was always kind of nervous and was always a bit on edge when I rode, but hey, at least I didn't get a new one! No, I bought a used one for $2,000... which after passing the initial inspection began to make odd noises. Whoops, that;s another $2,500 to fix it! And after a bit, you know... it;s not a very good bike. SO hey, let's just buy a brand new one! It'll be fine, because hey, I have a job now!!!
Whoops, now I don't have a job anymore! I guess spending most of your time at work on Facebook and only turning out the very bare minimum require product at the lowest level of quality isn't something employers like in a worker. Welp, guess it's time to find another job. Time to send resumes to any TV or radio station in the country! I mean, I don;t really have a body of work to show because I'm a lazy asshole, but hey, my resume looks good. Plus, I was in the military! That turns my resume into pure gold, right?!
Hmm, seems no one is responding to my applications. This appears pointless... but I don't wanna go back to school!!! Besides, I have unemployment now! $350 a week is totally enough to live on! Oh, I'm running low on funds, but that steak dinner looks really tasty...
Welp, I guess its time to bite the bullet and go back to school! But where? Well, I want to come back to Houston to be near my new niece. Okay, snark aside, that is a legit reason for wanting to move back. But whoa, it;s gonna cost $1,500 to move back to Houston. Ah, it;s fine, I'll just put it on my credit c... oh. Oh, wow, I have over $4,000 in debt. Where did that come from?! Sure, I haven't checked it in months, because if I don't see it, it's not a problem, obviously. Oof, that's a lot of Uber Eats, not to mention a lot of Steam and PS Store purchases. Eh, it's fine. I play those games all the time, so... oh. Oh wait, I don;t really play games anymore because that takes effort and a dedication of time. Ah, it'll be fine.
Which brings us to today, as I sit in my apartment with $1.66 in my checking account, $0.05 in my savings, and between my credit card, my motorcycle—which doesn't even run anymore because I let it sit for nearly a years without running—and my new couch—which I bought because the old one was old and really uncomfortable—and my dental work—because why go to the dentist when your teeth don't hurt—and my new Kia Soul—I sold my truck and bought it, which on the back end will save me like $4,000, not to mention $250 less a month, and who cares if I could have used that money to buy a cheap used beemer straight out—I have somewhere around $12,000 in debt. I say "around" because I don;t pay enough attention to know the exact number because again, if I don't see it, it's not a problem!!
Oh, and I still ordered some food last night. Can't even remember the justification I made up, but hey, it would have been a lot of work to make that ramen noodle cup, and I wanted a real meal, you know?!
Alright, snark aside, let me be clear that this is not a "call for help," or a "signal flare" or anything like that. As I hope you gathered from my snide self-deprecation, I am in a bed 100% of my own making. It was purely my own stupid decisions and lack of giving a shit that led me to where I am now. I don't want your money, or even your pity, as there are many others who direly need it more due to circumstances outside of their control. I;m just a lazy, immature asshole.
I don;t know why I posted this. I guess I... just needed to scream at someone other than my living room wall. MY future is uncertain, not because I face hardship or persecution, but because I have no self-control and no clue how to manage money. If I ask my sister, who is very smart and frugal, she'll help but I'll have to see those, "It's okay, I know you don;t know any better" looks, even if she never says anything, which she wouldn't.
Meh. I'll make it work.
You'll get it together man, and if you need to vent or just bounce ideas, shoot me a message.
BEEN. THERE.
I'm kinda there now but things are getting better. For me, things get better... And then they get worse, rinse and repeat.
*Pats back
Dave Ramsey is my co pilot.
(Yes, I'm familiar with this feeling. Too familiar. It is beatable, but takes a lot of work.)
I have a picture somewhere of my bank account total being $0.02 I used to joke about it. I know exactly what it's like to be on the low end of things. It sucks but if I can recover (even a little) you can too, I believe in you.
I've been to a grocery store 3 times since covid started. It's addicting, isn't it? "Why spend all that time cooking what you order when you can just spend a bit more and have it cooked and delivered by people who do it for a living?" "I work nights and don't want to stay up late/get up early to go grocery shopping" and a million and one other lame excuses. I'm trying to get better on that myself, let me know if you find a way that works for you.
My other one for is taking a cab to work "it's only $10 and I'll bus or walk home." Well... at least I do the bus or walking home part, I'm saving for a new laptop or bike depending on if this laptop keeps having issues.
5554752
Thanks, man.
5554758
You know me, always being unhelpfully helpful.
Never too late to change my man, the first step is having the humility to admit the problem which you just have.
Here for you if you ever need a word of advice or an open ear, God bless you brother.
hug
Sending a big virtual hug your way, m'dude.
You sure?
EDIT: lovin' the dragons
Very thankful to have been in the opposite position, actually. When I hit my rock bottom, it was with a degree and having been told I had no rights. But then one odd job popped up and after a review of my performance, turns out I did have some rights. Then again, I never moved out of the parental home, so a lot of these problems, I haven't had to deal with yet.
So not sure how helpful this'll be, but: maybe consider your options seriously, there could be things you're good at that you're missing. There's more to getting a job than just the degree, especially these days. There's demand for people who can do storytelling, for no reason other than the fact that they at least know how to communicate properly. IT courses are a dime a dozen, and some companies will train people from day 1. Doesn't have to be IT specifically, but keep in mind you might have some 'traits' that aren't listed under 'assets' on your résumé yet. Would you say you're analytical, passionate, determined (another word for 'stubborn'), a driven problem-solver? Even if the answer to all that is no, there's bound to few some questions you have a yes for, that's what you want to aim for. If you have any obscure skills you picked up, do mention them if relevant, you'd be surprised what can happen. Seriously
As for the impulse control, the same general rules apply as always. Make sure you're getting enough water, that's water and not sugary drinks. Mind your caffein intake and your sleeping rhythm. Remember you are worrying about your thinking meat... thinking meat is still meat, and decision-making may be influenced by physical factors. Other than that, a lot of help is a duckduckgo search away, the trick is finding the right advice. If you do want to go on a dopamine detox, I recommend staying away from the news, social media, and setting a productive goal or two to hit. Look up Monk Mode and ignore the misogynistic undertones, the practical angle to it is fairly sound, just don't try to maintain it for more than a month and prepare for an extinction burst after about two weeks.
Always here if you need a bud ❤
Procrastination is hard to beat - but getting started is usually the real problem! The only advice I have to give is what works for me when I notice that I’m stuck in a rut: make a list of what I need to do, put it up where I can see it, and give each item on that list at least 5 minutes of my time per day. Usually once I start I find it real easy to just continue for a few minutes (hours) more.
I'm tired of contributing to go fund mes for cancer or vet bills. Give me one where I can contribute to someone's cholesterol!
Try to find a simple meal prep that's fills you up, stick with it for like a week to get the taste for it, then you'll crave the bad stuff less and enjoy it more when you do get it. A reset will really help your bank account and bloodwork, and it only takes a week.
I've been there. I made it back. You will too. You're younger and have more going for you than I did.
Don't worry about venting here man, one: you'll always have people here willing to hear you out, to actually listen, and be there for you even in spirit. Two: we're cheaper than therapy.