About this New Story... · 10:30pm Apr 8th, 2020
So, this story requires a little explanation.
To put it mildly, I betrayed the trust of quite a few people whom I respect, and when it seemed as though I’d gotten away with it, I used that as an excuse to wave away any guilt I felt. After I’d been found out, that excuse was taken from me, and that’s when I truly realised just how wrong my actions were.
I was ashamed, and for almost two weeks, I was sick to the stomach at the thought of even being in the same chat room as them. I still feel horrible at points and I’m easily put-off from talking to someone if they say or I think that I’ve made them even slightly uncomfortable – that it’s a sign things weren’t that great to begin with and I’m only ever going to make it worse.
I’ve known some of my other friends to vent their feelings with a story or two, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. But when I started writing, and while I started feeling a little better, I also realised that what I had on the page could be channelled into another fic I’d been planning, or at least an offshoot of it.
Long story short, this originally came from a place of bitterness and resentment towards myself. It was intended as a throwaway vent/sadfic, but I quickly grew worried that the people I wronged would see this as an attempt to either publicly shame or forgive myself – especially the latter if it ended on a consoling note. I saw a way out in developing it as its own standalone narrative, to which I am also not personally attached, but now I worry that the simple act of trying to do something constructive with negative feelings is overstepping my bounds.
My point is, I’m not sure what the correct action is if I’m forbidden from making up for all the wrong I’ve done, if there’s a way to atone for my misdeeds. I feel trapped. And I hope that, somehow, my first published story since this incident is a step in the right direction.
To those I have betrayed, I am deeply sorry. You deserve better, and I can’t apologise enough for that. I would gladly do so again if given the chance. And I will never truly forgive myself until I know for certain what I may do to earn your trust once more, or if I am allowed to.
Sincerely,
The author.
juicy.
I'm going to guess this might not be as bad as you think it is. Online has a habit of making things seem a hell of a lot worse than they actually are.
That said, if you openly acknowledge that you made a mistake, take ownership for what you did, and show evidence of intent to change, that should be enough for any true friend to accept that you are sorry and to forgive you.
It's easy for me to say that, though, and harder for me to put it into practice. I have a habit of running away from places I think I've wronged somepony and never go back. It only leads to more suffering, but I'm psychologically unwell. I wish you better luck than mine.
I tend to give advice by the specifics of the situation, but I feel like you're uncomfortable with sharing them. That's okay. In general, I'd advise a break from being online. Just time to relax and reflect. Maybe go for a walk. It might not be much, but it's a start.
I'll echo what others have said about it *probably* not actually being as bad as you feel it is right now, but even if it truly is that bad, well... It's surprising what people are prepared to let go, if you can be big enough to hold your hands up, apologise, and admit you were being a tool. You can't change the past, and neither can anyone else, so it's what you do going forward to fix the mess that matters.
You already know my stance on it and my feelings towards such a situation. I do hope you feel better.
You are never forbidden from making amends.
I wouldn't say that you are forbidden from making amends. Time and effort tend to heal most wounds, even the most severe ones. If you take responsibility and show that you are sorry for what you did, that you are willing to fix what you've wronged, they'll most likely accept your apology. How long will it take for them to do that, there's no guarantee. But it's worth the try and the wait.
Good luck, whatever in particular that means here.
Unless you've directly doxed someone or insulted their entire family tree I don't see why anyone would deny you the right to forgiveness.
I do know from personal experience though, that there are some people who deny forgiveness just so they have something to shove your face into the dirt with.
I can't say whether you've experienced that, but the important thing to remember, is that in that situation and any other situation, that you're important too. Don't let just anyone rake you down.
If you're a Dick, you apologize and most times you're forgiven. If they're abusing your earnest nature to make you think you're a Dick for any sort of slip up, then you need to evaluate whether you want that person's forgiveness. If you do, talk it out. Sometimes you need to put your foot down for people to stop their bullshit.
I won't pretend I know what I'm saying, that's just my advice.
Hope you're doing good fregglz, all this aside. You're a good lad, even if it's been a while since we talked.
I can't tell what you mean by that. If you mean there's something inherently wrong with using something awful to make something else, then a thousand times no. If you mean that you feel like you'd be profiting from what you did wrong... in this case I wouldn't worry. There's not much profit for writers on fimfiction.
I've seriously betrayed trusts twice, and in my experience, the shame and guilt never goes away. There's no way to vent it, write it out, exorcise it, or be "forgiven". I still have nightmares about things I did 20 years ago. It's like losing a finger. You might not notice it most of the time, but, man, that finger is gone and you're a little bit less than you were, and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it except go on living and try to give more than you take from now on.
I can do that now, because now I know I'm not the rational agent I thought I was. Rationalizing a deed does nothing to relieve the guilt. My greatest needs and desires come from outside "me", from this body I'm riding, and the deepest of them is the need to feel that I'm a good person. Morality is implemented by the mind, but the values that drive it are in the body (and the subconscious limbic system, and whatever neuroscience has now replaced the Kantian categories with). I understand better now what "I" really want, and that I want very much to be more helpful than hurtful.
Best wishes. Hopefully you'll be able to find some sort of closure, however that may be
>>OP
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If you don't forgive yourself, it doesn't matter whether anyone else does. If you hold it against yourself, all the people in the world can't let it go for you. If you cling to it, beat yourself down with it, torture yourself with and for it, if you never stop punishing yourself...
What does forgiveness mean, anyway? With religion, yes, perhaps one's name can be cleared before [insert higher power(s)]. But what is forgiveness to our feelings? What does it mean between and within us as people? How does it interact with our values?
I can't say I have answers, but if others can forgive themselves, perhaps there's something which can be learned. Even google thinks there's ways. But most of what I found starts with acknowledging and working through the associated feelings, and if there's one thing the english-speaking world is bad at, it's understanding and exploring emotion. Drink and repress, nicotine for those nerves, a good cookie or chocolate to set you right; anything is better than feeling.
That's not to say that it's impossible. It's only to clarify that I know it's not as easy as saying so. If it was, I'd already be there. But I'm more with you, worn down with every step by fighting to keep the guilt and shame at bay.
The secret is that this is not how to move on with your life. Feelings unprocessed will just wait in queue for the rest of your life if they have to, and they won't do it quietly either. You both might have noticed.
I'm, uh, working on it.
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Both interpretations are exactly what I mean, and as far as I can tell, I don't think posting this has made the situation much better.
It just feels like, as the bad guy in this, my life story is supposed to end there. I'm not supposed to move on and feel better about myself. I'm supposed to stay stuck in my own filth for... I don't know how long. Because that's the sort of thing that should to happen to bad guys. It's the sort of thing people expect of bad guys.
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Sometimes it's a long series of mistakes, bad decisions and bad luck, and sometimes the other side just isn't the forgiving sort. And if that's how they feel, I find it hard not to agree with them, and I find it hard to ignore their opinion if all that's left to do is move on. And beyond that, I hold a grudge against myself longer and harder than I do against others.
Strangely, I think I'm becoming a bit like Marble in the story. I just don't know how to be good anymore. How to feel better, how to feel anything that isn't either apathy, frustration, bitterness or sadness. I can distract myself, but that goes away eventually. Talking with anyone has only usually gotten me into more trouble, and the people I need to talk with aren't willing. And even if they were, I'm scared to even try.
If I ever did, I don't think I like myself anymore.
5242518 Well, we all make some fuck ups in life. I know I have. And we have to live with those. I think the thing to do is not so much to move on, but move to other things. Things that are not a just an empty distraction but fruitful. Whether that's new friendships, or something productive like writing or creative stuff.
I think perhaps what I should have said is that you are never forbidden from making amends with yourself.
5242518 At the risk of stating the obvious, being good and feeling good are distinct and sometimes contradictory goals. Being good tends to lead to feeling good; feeling good doesn't tend to lead to being good. If you want to be good, focus on being good. Feeling good may or may not follow. But if what you actually want IS to be good, that's not as important.