Hands: The Stars Revolt! Part 2 · 4:03pm Nov 30th, 2019
Deep in the Everfree Forest, in the ancient ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters, Shepherd was being held against his will and demanded to do the most unholy things to his new "Mistress".
Namely... Give her belly rubs and emotionally validate her.
Shepherd: *Sighs as he keeps rubbing the happy Nightmare Moon's belly, as she lounges in his lap* "Who's a good destroyer of worlds? Who's sooo much better than her sister?"
Nightmare Moon: "ME! I AM! YESSSSS~!"
Shepherd: "Okay, look, Your Highness-"
Nightmare Moon: "Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!"
Shepherd: "... Not dignifying that. Listen, if you have it be eternal night, you'll cause an ice age and kill off all life on the planet. That's not going to leave you with anything to rule, is it?"
Nightmare Moon: "I will not destroy all life! I shall make them worship me and prefer the night! As well as take my revenge upon these puny mortals!"
Shepherd: "I can appreciate not being loved. I have been dumped by the biggest bitches in the universe, I get it. But this is not the way to get the love of your people back!"
Nightmare Moon: "Why do you persist in this, Concubine? This is not even your world!"
Shepherd: "I'm still one of the idiots who has to live on the world! I can't do much living if I'm dead, can I?" *Pauses, thinks over it, shrugs* "Okay that may have sounded better in my head-"
Nightmare Moon: *Rises from his lap and glares* "I knew it! You have a lover you seek to protect!"
Shepherd: "What?! No! Nonono!"
Nightmare Moon: "You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!"
Shepherd: "What?! No!"
Flashback spell!...
Shepherd was actually fixing some plumbing outside Rarity's shop when a distressed looking purple unicorn trotted up to him.
Twilight: "Ah... Hey... Listen... I'm new here and some pony told me... You're an alien."
Shepherd: *looks back at her, and sighs* "All right. If you want a picture, it's five bits. Signed, it's ten."
Twilight: "No, no, I'm not a tourist! I just had to... Well..." *She scans him with her horn*
Shepherd: "Ack! Hey! That tingles!"
Twilight: *Frowns and looks around him, poking him with a stick and looking in his mouth with a flashlight*
Shepherd: "I-Seriously, what?! Can I HELP you, lady?!"
Twilight: "Do you have any special abilities? Increased magical sensitivity, super strength, laser vision?"
Shepherd: *Deadpan* "Only under a red sun."
Twilight: "UGH! Then you can't help me! You can't help anypony! We're doomed!"
Shepherd: "Woah woah woah!" *He takes her hooves in his hands, pushing down a stethoscope* "It's obvious you're stressed out. Let's get some food, on me. And for your dragon friend too."
Twilight: "Ah?! I don't-I can't-!"
Spike: "We'd love to!"
Shepherd drags her to a cafe, and orders her a daffodil sandwich and some tea. He orders peanut butter and jelly, with tea. He gets Spike some sandwiches and soda.
Twilight: *Sighs* "Look, this really isn't necessary-!"
Shepherd: "Come on, eat. Or at least have some tea. Calms the nerves. Trust me, I needed that the first few months I was here." *Sips*
Twilight: "Ugh..." *sips* "Fine. I had a drink. Now if you'll excuse me-"
Shepherd: "What's the rush?"
Twilight: "I... You see... You wouldn't believe me!"
Shepherd: *chuckles* "Miss...?"
Twilight: "Twilight Sparkle."
Shepherd: "Twilight Sparkle. I'm Andrew Shepherd. I come from a planet with no magic, and only my species is the intelligent one. I ended up here entirely by accident. Since then, I've had to deal with magic, monsters, and talking livestock. Trust me, I will believe you."
Twilight: "Well..." She talks about the return of the Mare in the Moon
Shepherd: "Okay. So, a horrible evil is about to rise and your mentor, the Princess of Equestria, tells you to come here and make some friends."
Twilight: "Yes! I don't understand why!"
Shepherd: "Look, you're her apprentice. You know her well. She doesn't seem... You know... Insane? Or uncaring?"
Twilight: "What? No! Not at all!"
Shepherd: *shrugs* "Well then, maybe she has a good reason for you to come here and make friends."
Twilight: "What could that be?!"
Shepherd: "I don't know. But maybe it's something you should try? I'm just saying."
Twilight: "I... Maybe... I don't know." *sighs* "... Well, thanks anyway. I've... Never actually met an alien before."
Shepherd: "I've never been on a date with an alien before. So that's a first for us both."
Twilight: *Bright red* "Ah-Uh-A d-date?! I mean, I've never, this wasn't-!"
Bonbon: "Yo, Shepherd! I need some help with the furnace!"
Shepherd: *sigh* "An alien's work is never done. Hey, take care Twilight Sparkle." *He gets up and heads to work*
The magically induced flashback ends.
Nightmare Moon: "HA! I told you! She is your lover!"
Shepherd: "NO! NO! Come on, it was just lunch! She didn't take it like that!"
Meanwhile...
Twilight Sparkle: "All right... If I can't talk you out of it, let's go save Equestria!"
Applejack, Dash, Pinkie, Rarity and Fluttershy: "Yeah!"
Pinkie: "And save Twilight's coltfriend!"
All: "YEAH!"
Twilight: *bright red* "Wait what?! He's not my-we didn't-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! But let's save him anyway!"
All: "YEAH!"
Fluttershy: "Yay he's not her coltfriend!"
Twilight: "What'd you say?"
Fluttershy: "Nothing!"
👍
Bwahahahaahahaha!
(Extended maniacal laughter.)
This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in months on the site. Especially Fluttershy's line.
Oh, nice one!