Rush To Judgment VIII: For Immature Adults Only · 6:10pm Apr 13th, 2019
I'm going to put it bluntly: if I have to be serious and deep in my writing today, I'm probably going to kill something.
So with that in mind... welcome back to Crackfic Week! And not only that, it's going to be a Mature edition. That's right: I'm adult-crackficing. Or at least writing a crackfic with a few adult concepts, which in this case translates to 'seventh-grade students lurking in the restroom after having just finished That One Biology Class.'
Consider that to have been your only warning. It's not going to be explicit. It is very much going to be age-of-consent-and-above-only. But it's only mature in the sense that I have no choice but to use that tag.
But what is the story going to be about?
Well, if you're new here: this is a little game we play. I post the title and a few very minor details about the contents. Then you post in the Comments and tell me what you think the story is about. And what do you win if you're right? ZILCH! ZIPPO! NADA! -- well, there may be a brief sense of pride in knowing that you managed to match my warped mindset, but it'll probably be followed by the immediate need to jump off something.
So...
Main characters: Twilight, Luna. Celestia is directly involved, but doesn't get a hoof in for most of the story.
Others: Maybe a passing Guard, but that's it.
Setting: Mostly stays in the palace. Might finish in Twilight's bedroom at the end.
Timeline: ...yeah, right: did you see 'crackfic' when you came in? But Twilight has her wings, for the nothing that's worth.
Genre Tags: Comedy is definite. I might toss 'Random' on, but the story may not qualify. 'Porn' is out: as said, this isn't explicit.
Title: No Pepper
Ready? Set? Rush -- To -- Judgment!
Figging is definitely involved. That or a discussion of Celestia's millennium-old bedroom exploits.
A crackship? Luna and Twilight, concerning an off-screen Celestia?
I’m going to assume that “No Pepper” implies “All Salt”... someone’s salty about Celestia’s choice of love interest, likely Twilight. Other possibility is that it refers to someone old enough to be past salt-and-pepper hair, and Celestia is certainly old.
So a Celestia crackship where Age is an issue, or where Twilight has reason to feel salty about it.
Or, you know, it’s none of that...
Oh, you... You had to go there.
Since FOME went with figging, I'll go with cooking mistakes involving hot peppers, possible pranking, improper washing of hooves, and off-screen bedroom antics. Followed by frantic wailing and teleporting into the freezing cold pools of upper Canterhorn. And if that isn't it, then you or Admiral Biscuit are welcome to turn this into reality.
Since you mention That One Biology Class...
Twilight learns of the practice of gingering, which is considered to be a kinkly sexual act in Equestria.
The title is what it is because her imagination leads her straight to chili peppers.
I am not expecting to be anywhere close to the truth.
Alicorn-only traditions that mere mortals shall not know.
....hazing Twilight into the club?
In the thousand years of Luna’s... oh what’s the Estee term for it again?... Timeout on the Big Cheeseball, sexuality has greatly evolved. Luna has a very... vanilla... taste in extracurricular activities. It’s up to Twilight to expose her to the wide range of spicy foreplay, postplay, and all the things in between. Alternate Title - Hotdogs, Tacos, and Everything Else You Need for an All Night Picnic: A Beginners Guide.
I'd go with "This is a dream sequence"
& "it's things like this that makes Luna prefer foal's dreams to adult dreams"
I'd also think that Luna knows of figging & Twilight doesn't
IMO, there is probably VERY little that Luna doesn't know about sex
If she didn't know of it before exile. sharing a few hundred dreams with
teenage stallions is probably worth a PHD in perversion & lust
Title: No Pepper
A story where we learn about home made scented and flavored lubricant.
I can only conclude that I'm too pure and innocent for this title, as all my brain's willing to do is try to figure out what word would finish the pony version of the old "no soap, radio" non-joke.
I... Don't know what "figging" is, but a) it probably doesn't have anything to with Christmas Pudding b) I am afraid to google it to find out.
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Don’t. Just don’t. Spare your sanity.
...Huh. Not much coming to me at the moment...
Looking forward to seeing it, though. :)
The long-haired, black-clothed, eye-shadow-caked tribes north of Mazein have finally united around a single king. The Marerettich have wrought a vast and powerful empire seemingly overnight, and as we all know, a new empire in the world can mean only one thing: a chance for Equestria to make new friends.
Something as important as forging alliances with a brand new empire can't be left to mere diplomats, and the Equestrian crown choose to see to it personally. Unfortunately, things start out shaky from the get go when Luna's arrival in her usual... style... is met with muttered whispers like "condescension" and "downright offensive" and "cultural appropriation." Celestia's more diplomatically-experienced hoof seems like it's smoothing things over until her tactless suggestion that they seriously needed to "brighten up the place." But the real issue is Twilight, who, when asked how the food at her reception dinner was replied "a bit spicy," followed by a request for a glass of milk. The spice-loving Marerettich declare this blatant heresy a clear causus bell pepperi.
Now there are barbarians at the sunrise gates.
But, all is not lost. The Marerettich, ultimately less interested in conquest than recognition on the world stage, have agreed to lift their blockade on the city for the small ransom of 3000 lbs of pepper. The countryside is on fire, and with famine looming, there's no choice left but to pay the piperine.
Just one problem: there's none in the city. Princess Cadance's recent strategic cinnamon heart reserve program has left all of Equestria short on every conceivable source of capsaicin.
With the city getting antsy and aggressive overtures coming from the invaders in the form of overly emotional songs, Luna calls on Twilight to engineer them a substitute. The two of them set about refining and concentrating Equestria's one remaining source of spiciness. Research proceeds until an errant hoof tips over a sample vial. The resultant panicked emptying of a full city block is something of a setback, but - once their eyes stop watering - the pair get an idea.
Will Twilight and Luna save Equestria by ushering in a new age of chemical warfare? It all comes down to just how quickly the two of them can juice a Rainbow.
(Meanwhile, Celestia tries her hoof at learning to fiddle.)
I love this game.
Celestia has a particular food intolerance that leads to excessive flatulence. The castle has had to institute a rule.
Luna discusses the diplomatic incident that occurred when Equestria first encountered elephants.
I’m on my phone, so can’t embed a YouTube video.
Tony Stark fights Aldrich Killian alone.
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I'm stealing this.
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Depending on how I'm meant to interpret that last sentence, there's a short comedy fic with a broadly-similar premise here. It's rated "teen", but I'm not sure I'd read it at work.
It's an unrepentant crack-fic, but has the virtue of being funny.