I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me - 2018 in Review · 4:07am Jan 1st, 2019
Welp! We made it! Or almost made it in my case, though being about 4.5 hours off from 2019 probably is just a formality at this point. I just kind of find it amusing that the song I linked above was my theme for 2018. There were several points where I made "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me" my mantra. Between a job from hell. A second job from hell. A few moments of weirdness with my health, and just the general low-level bullshit that life throws at you at random.
I was going to try to go back and re-read how things have changed from 2017, but I think what it made me realise is that I am ending this year on a far more positive note that I did last year. I mean, maybe not super positive. I'm still posting what is essentially a happy song for negative people, but... let's be real. That kind of music is my jam.
Real talk though, this year was a period of a lot of major changes for me. I left my old job that was doing its level best to kill me from stress. Then I ended up at another job that I thought was everything I wanted. However... it turns out that I am a terrible government worker in that I actually want to do stuff, and not die of boredom in meeting hell. So now I'm back at the old job in a new position, and it's much more fulfilling. And it lets me work nights, which means I'm not constantly feeling sleep deprived for being at least 1/2 bat.
But I'm pretty darned far from perfect at this point, and one of the things I learned throughout the year is that I really need to push myself out of my comfort zones if I want to grow as a person. That's... really not been easy.
I have a fair bit of mental fuckery that makes that I probably use to hold myself back more than I should. One of the goals I set for 2018 was to actually start trying to work on me. While that is going to be an ongoing process, I think one of the things I took away from this year was that if something is uncomfortable, I need to at least try it. It may not be fun. I may hate it the entire way. I may want to kick and scream and generally act like someone tried to feed me raw broccoli. But I need to do it.
I mean, I did a lot of good, self growth things this year! I made an effort to come out about being trans. I also finally decided that coming out of one closet to step into another wasn't the best plan, and have been more open about my orientation as being attracted to women. I also have been pushing myself to not give up on small projects like I normally would, even if writing two stories at once is occasionally hard to do.
But... that doesn't meant that those moments haven't brought painful consequences. For both me and for other people. But, I think that... part of growing is learning how to work through the pain. Realising that you may be doing your best, but no matter what, your best may not be good enough. And growth comes from figuring out how to move on from that point.
I'm... not super good at that yet. I'm still working on it. But... I am trying.
So, one of the things I decided to do for 2019 was to start doing things that might be healthy for me, and to find ways to continue to surround myself with friends that want to support me. As part of that endeavour I did two things!
I started a Patreon account because I need to learn discipline with writing, and because, as Novel put it, I need to learn that people may actually care about what I'm doing, and that doesn't change just because the voices in my head tell me that I don't matter.
The other thing I did was create the Heartmender HQ discord server. It's small, and it probably will never be as big as several of the Fallout Equestria servers, but... having watched a few of those servers struggle recently, I wanted to make a place where I could try to reach people who love Fallout Equestria, but also understand that the point of Pip's sacrifice was to make her world a better place. That the point was to bring the light of Friendship back to the wasteland. The world is already a difficult place to live, so if we can make little pockets of Equestria here on Earth to retreat to, all the better. So if you're interested in making friends, bringing light to the world, and want a place to meet new people, come on by!
Honestly... that's the biggest thing I have wanted to do ever since I joined the fandom in 2011. Ponies brought me to this place where people were constantly trying to figure out how to make their lives work, and how to make friends. I... struggled to make friends all my life. I'm sure that's not uncommon for folks in the fandom, but I remember spending days utterly alone throughout elementary and middle school because I was shy, quiet, and sensitive to others around me. I still am all those things, but I think what ponies did for me was helped me realise that, even as an adult, we do need friends. We need those people that we can support, and who love and care for us in kind.
I don't think we can change the world as a whole. It's too big, and none of us have magic. But... in spite of it all, I think we can change the world around us. Make our little networks, groups of friends and family, and neighbourhoods better. And I think that is a more achievable goal. We're not going to be perfect at it. We'll struggle, but... I think it is worth trying. I know it is worth making the world a little bit of a brighter place.
We're a long way from Equestria, folks. But we can bring it here in quiet moments of kindness, generosity, laughter, loyalty, honesty, and empathy.
Maybe I'm just writing up a silly blogpost that no one will listen to, but... I would love to see 2019 as a year of grassroots movements of showing the world a little more kindness. Because the world needs it. It may reject that kindness, bite back, tell me that I'm stupid for trying, but... I think it's important.
That's my goal for 2019 anyway.
To bring the light of Friendship to the world in small ways.
None of of us are Elements of Harmony.
But, like Lyra said in chapter 2 of Synchronicity, if we are truly blessed, maybe we can sparkle a bit. And help others reflect that still small light in kind.
Yes you finally started a patron!
Happy New year
I'm glad that 2018 ended better for you than it began, and good luck indeed with those endeavors going forward. :)
Happy New Year!
It's great to still see optimism in year-end blogs. Here's hoping things keep looking up, or at least not so bad.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
I've been using pacemaker to try and implement discipline with writing, it has adjustable goals and it feels nice to meet or exceed the goal for that day.
And I'm in Starscribe's discord which has a bot that can run sprint events- as many words as you can write in 20 minutes. It's a lot of fun and the competitive angle has really improved my pace.
You’ve done a great job spreading a message of friendship, Heart.
yer going the hard way, if you want or not, just like blackjack does.
And that will make you a better person once you succeed.
Sure, some people will have it a lot more easy, be more successful in life, in their job, but what does that count?
I believe in being hard to yourself and going the hard way will lead to a better personality, with more understanding, more oppportunity to be kind to others.
I dont make shit tons of money, i dont have a lot of friends, i am not really happy with my current situation, i feel sad, sometimes i dont make progress at all and at times i would like to just drink all my problems away.
And sometimes i do.
But Alcohol is the end and the beginning of all problems.
At some days i just pull trough anyways and at the end of the day i will feel like shit.....
And i will feel like that every day, but at the end of the week and after the second one i will get used to it.
And after a month i will see some results, no matter in what im doing, if its sports, learning to stay aways from things that are bad for me, managing my life...
I already failed progress this day, im hating myself for it and i will hate myself for it tomorrow as well.
But i just need to find the strength to carry on for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and earlier than i thought, it will get a habit and i can try to be better every single day.
I hope i will.
And you will too
this might help, and yes, you're feelings of "seriously? him of all people" are correct