Starlight Solves Practical Problems · 2:17am Jun 24th, 2018
“Spike!” Starlight called. “Could you add something to the shopping list for me please?”
“Sure,” Spike pulled out a quill. He always kept one at hand. “What do you need?”
“A live pig, an engraver’s kit, a pound of silver, ten pounds of salt, a dozen candles, a pinch of sulfur, and a sharp cooking knife,” after a moment, she added, “A cheap knife. I’m only going to get to use it once.”
“And uh…” Spike cleared his throat. “What do you need all this for?”
“I’m trying to lose some weight.”
After considering his options, Spike decided not to ask any more questions.
“Has Starlight lost some weight recently?” Twilight squinted across the way, where Starlight could be seen chatting up Trixie.
“I don’t know nuthin’ bout nuthin’.” Spike said, pointedly staring at the table.
“I think she has. She looks really fit.” Twilight and Spike were taking breakfast together on the castle balcony overlooking the town. Spike had his bowl of gems, and Twilight had a tall plate of pancakes. “Kind of toned? In a good way?”
Off in the distance, Twilight watched Starlight put a hoof under Trixie’s chin. Trixie swatted it away, but she also smiled a silly little smile, and her tail tucked up under her. “Like, you know, not out there. But confident in her appearance. That must be nice.”
“Every time you get involved in Trixie and Starlight’s business you regret it. Literally every time.”
“I could look that good.” Twilight brushed her mane with her hoof. “I don't know. Maybe braid my hair?”
“Shiny scales and large claws. Drives girls crazy.”
“You’re right. I should just go talk to her.” Twilight rose from the table. “Thanks, Spike!”
Twilight vanished in a flash of purple light. Spike sighed, and lowered his head.
“Oh, no secret.” Starlight let out a stiff chuckle. “I’ve been jogging more lately.”
“Jogging?” Twilight tilted her head. “Well, you know. It’s working for you.”
“Oh, uh… thanks!” She cleared her throat. “Well, anyway, I should really get to school for the day. Gotta shape those bright young minds!”
“Yeah, oh, of course. Pfft!” Twilight waved her hoof in the air, though precisely what she was dismissing wasn’t clear. “Don’t want to take up all your time gossiping. But hey, next time you go jogging, would you mind if I joined you? I could stand a little more exercise.”
“Oh. Join me. Uh…” Starlight took a half step back. “I mean, uh. I don’t know, Twilight. I’m kind of serious about jogging? You know. Preparing for the running of the leaves. I gallop, pretty much the whole way. You’d have to keep up, and I don’t want to put you under that kind of pressure.”
“Keep up? Uh-!” Twilight fluffed out her wings. “I don’t want to offend you, Starlight-”
“Great! See you.” Starlight vanished in a bright blue flash.
“I don’t want to put you under that kind of pressure.” Twilight sat at her desk by the window, doing her best snide voice. “My name is Starlight. My biggests interests are Trixie and being a huge jerk. And since Trixie is a jerk too, I guess I’m kind of a one note pony. And that note is also jerk!”
She tried to refocus on her book. It was well past 1 AM, and she knew she should already have been asleep, but she didn’t feel like reading or sleeping. She felt mad, and she felt like continuing to feel mad.
Then she heard hoofbeats outside the window. When she lifted her head to look, she saw Starlight running off into Ponyville, sweatbands wrapped around her ankles and a set of tight-fitting goggles over her eyes.
“And I’m the sort of jerk who wears sunglasses at night because I think they make me look so cool.” Twilight let out a sharp growl. Then she rose from her desk. “That’s it. Hey, Starlight!”
Starlight didn’t answer, continuing to jog off into the night. Twilight teleported away from her desk and into the air, taking off after Starlight with a few powerful wingbeats. It was a new moon, and the town was nearly pitch black, with only the starlight to see by. “Starlight!” Twilight called again, and again she received no answer.
“You…!” She grumbled. Below her, Starlight put on a sudden burst of speed, racing up the slopes outside Ponyville. Twilight had to beat her wings hard to catch up. “Hey! STOP!”
When still Starlight continued to run, Twilight lost her patience. “That’s it!” she roared. Her horn glowed, and she picked Starlight clear up off the ground. Her legs flailed helplessly in the air as Twilight landed beside her. “What the heck, Starlight?”
“Oh,” Starlight said. Her voice had a strange quality to it -- resonant and deep. It was like a great chorus of ponies were all speaking at once. “I’m very sorry. I did not realize you were calling me. I am not Starlight Glimmer.”
“...wait, what?”
Starlight reached up with her hooves, and pulled the goggles off her eyes. Without them, Twilight could see that Starlight’s eyes were glowing an unearthly red. “You are looking at Starlight’s body. I am Chpaxil the Bloodletter, servant to the Queen in Rags Who Waits Beyond the Crimson Path.”
Twilight blinked once. Then again. “You’re an evil spirit possessing Starlight’s body.”
“Yes.” Chpaxil nodded. “She summoned me on the night of the blood moon, and we struck a fel pact -- that whenever sleep should take her, I would possess her body and control its movements until she woke.”
“...and the jogging?”
“The terms of our accord demand that on five days out of each week, I shall use her body to perform those tasks to which she is ill suited. Namely: exercise, chores, and gardening. And I have to cook and leave it in the fridge.” Chpaxil explained. “But on the weekend, her body is mine to use for my own nefarious purposes!”
“Uh…” Twilight bit her lip. “And what nefarious purposes are those?”
“Well… honestly, it hasn’t been going well.” Chpaxil gestured up at the sky. “I’ve been trying to start a cult, but you know, it’s hard when you only have the weekends. You think you’re just going to do your job and then spend your off time on cool projects, but when Saturday rolls around, I don’t even feel like sacrificing a virgin mare to open the tenfold gate. I just want to unwind and enjoy that Starlight’s body can get drunk.”
Twilight stared in silence. She stared for a long time.
“You know,” Chpaxil offered, “I have a sister! If you want the same deal. She’s between summoners at the moment, but she works really hard and-”
“Nope.” Twilight said. “I’m out.” She dropped Starlight, teleported back to the castle, and went straight to bed.
The next morning, Starlight walked past the breakfast table, and asked Spike to add twenty gallons of blood and a hundred live spiders to their shopping list.
Neither he nor Twilight asked any questions. It was the best day ever.
*Dies laughing.
I want to know more about the extra-dimensional recruiting agency that handles temp positions and job placement for blood demons looking to get their very first summoning...
Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I love my free time on weekends, this sounds like a decent deal. I hate exercising beyond a brisk walk.
Then again, realizing how evil my younger sister can be and her own fitness regimen, this raises some interesting questions...
Edit: Honestly, dude, some of these ideas could be stories, not blog posts. That's what I did recently when I took a page out of your book and tried to write something thought-provoking.
4888551 You and me both. Like, are they as bad as Earth temp agencies? If you don't get in early and suck up you get the shitty jobs?
4888567
Seriously! These need to be collected into an anthology story post haste so I can fav and upvote so hard!
Is this a metaphor for CrossFit?
If only I could add blog posts to my Favourites lists.
"also smiled and silly little smile"
"also smiled a silly little smile"?
"next time you went jogging"
"next time you go jogging"?
Unless Starlight regularly combines her jogging with time travel and this is an attempt to gramatically cope with that. Which, you know, seems unlikely, but it is Starlight...
("Well, you know how it is, it's just so hard to find motivation to exercise, but then one day I thought 'Hey, running from dinosaurs worked great for my cavepony ancestors!'"
"...Okay, there are several things wrong with that, Starlight...")
"She summoned me on the night of the blood moon, and we struck a fel pact -- that whenever sleep should take her, I would possess her body and control its movements until she woke."
Yeah, see, is this actually all that much less crazy than the "get motivated to jog by being chased by extinct carnivores" plan?
"Neither he nor Twilight asked any questions. It was the best day ever."
:D
Where on Earth did the inspiration for this one come from? :D
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"I want to be a fel beast sent to hunt down and destroy the destined hero!"
"Woah, hot-shot. Fel beasting requires at least 3 years of experience, probably closer to 5 if you want to fight any destined heroes. We can get you started possessing an accounts receivable clerk in a fascist regime. You'll make his body work an extra shift overnight cleaning the office and finishing up the paperwork for the morning shift."
"...oh. Well. I guess evil is evil? Being an accounts receivable clerk in a concentration camp or something is still pretty bad."
"I'm sorry, but he's actually a clerk in the trash collection bureau. Yeah, like, he's part of a fascist regime, but the evil is mostly indirect."
4888567
You kidding? This is an amazing deal. I hate exercise.
I saw that story! I need to read it soon.
And yeah, this one was actually meant to be a full story. I've not been in a great place lately though. It's a struggle to write, so little blog posts like this at least allow me to write something.
4888619
I mean, kind of.
4888669
orig00.deviantart.net/cb1b/f/2017/296/0/5/vector__778___starlight_glimmer__20_by_dashiesparkle-dbrgz3i.png
Oh Glim Glam. This is why we love you so much.
In Shadowrun 4E, there's a pact your character can strike with a spirit called the Dream Pact. It states that whenever you fall asleep, the spirit possesses your body and is free to run around in it until you wake up. Normally, the spirit pays you for this privilege with blessings or other magic. One of the example dream pacts is struck with a spirit of fire, where in return for this service it grants the PC the power to breathe fire like a dragon.
But, the way the spirit compensates you doesn't have to be magic. You and the spirit can come to any arrangement as long as it's mutually agreeable. So I had one character who said that the spirit had to work his boring office job for him (he was night shift).
The GM gave me a dirty look for that.
4888674
"orig00.deviantart.net/cb1b/f/2017/296/0/5/vector__778___starlight_glimmer__20_by_dashiesparkle-dbrgz3i.png
Oh Glim Glam. This is why we love you so much."
:D
re the explanation:
Ah, thanks.
"So I had one character who said that the spirit had to work his boring office job for him (he was night shift).
The GM gave me a dirty look for that."
Glorious. :D
4888671
"I've not been in a great place lately though. It's a struggle to write, so little blog posts like this at least allow me to write something."
Oh, I'm sorry about that; I'm glad that these posts help, but I hope that things improve for you soon.
This is fucking great.
I have never empathized with a spirit of darkness as much as I do now.
4888671
Real sorry to hear that, Jax. Life always has to throw some curveballs, doesn't it? Well, hopefully you'll find yourself in a better place soon.
I saw you put it on your "Read It Later" list! If/when you get to it, I hope you like it! Unlike most of my work, it has the advantage of being really short. Knowing me, of course, that will not become a habit.
4888670 "I thought all we needed to triumph was for good men to do nothing! What's with the menial work?"
Cute, and funny, and yay
Methinks his motto should be “speak softly and be a dragon”