Two Lives for One Thousand Eyes · 4:33am Jul 31st, 2017
So, this happened.
I haven't posted nearly enough porn for this.
I know I'm late on writing this blog post, because apparently I've picked up two more of you beloved barnacles since then. 
So it's time for me to address all you crazy ponies with stuff relevant to my future on Fimfiction and beyond.
I'm going to start with a few simple things, and then bring up an important issue I've kept quiet on for far too long.
Upcoming Stuff
I'm working on updating stories, still (all three Incomplete ones currently up). Long delays are about finished, and new stuff is on the horizon. I'll leave that a surprise for now.
BronyCon
Eeyup. 
I have a Jacuzzi suite at one of the nearby hotels. There will be at least one swank readers-authors-and-friends room party in my suite, and I plan to use that bubblething, oh yes. More on that in the next few days.
Patreon
I'm seriously thinking of doing this, not so much because I need the money, but more because the encouragement would help to direct my future plans. I could centralize my creative output, put my polls there, and so on, so the followers who actually care about what I do (meaning supporters of any sort, primarily the $1 level, plus close creative friends who aren't supporters) would be the ones to have the most influence on how I should focus my artistic vision.
I'm currently stymied because I want to do art for the Patreon page before I put it up, and art takes me a while. 
Ah well.
Also, there's the big issue below which relates in spades to anything creative I do moving forward.
Gemini
I have a problem, one that is all too common in the internet age. I have two (or more) lives. I don't know how to keep them separated properly, or what I should end up doing about it. It's a constant source of stress which contributes to depression because, as a transgender woman, the idea of authenticity means a lot to me. I've spent so many years hiding from myself that I find it painful to do even in situations where it makes good horse sense.
To begin with, I teach at a major research university. I love my job, and I think I'm pretty good at it. I don't want to lose it, but the odds of that are slim no matter how I present myself. The university, college, department, and sections I'm in are all socially liberal and tolerant of weirdness of all sorts. I'm generally liked and respected (for reasons I cannot fathom). I'm not expected to use discretion online, and I rarely claim to represent the university or my department in public.
But I'm weird in ways that are always dangerous to bring to the fore. I'm totally open about being a brony among faculty, somewhat open about being furry, and I get the impression most staff know I'm transgender even though I've told a limited number of them directly. I don't think anypony would give an ass's ass if they saw me put erotic artwork or stories online, even though I don't have anything like that up at the moment (except for TSJ, which I'll talk about in a moment).
If life were perfect for me, I wouldn't have two Google accounts or Twitters or what have you. I'd just use one for everything, work and recreation, and not give a shit what anypony thinks. I'd open a FB account or something and put up my previous (birth) name so old friends could finally find me and chat and stuff. I'd merge. That would be awesome.
But it might also be dangerous. I don't want to draw undue attention that could cause crazy people to try to hurt me or my family, by doxxing or harassment or whatever. I've had a lot of hate from furries due to some misunderstandings leading to demonization, as well as from foalks who hate furries and/or transgender individuals. I run the risk of getting a large behind-my-back reputation with students and faculty, and I always expect that could hurt me in the long run even if they seem accepting now.
How I currently am isn't much better, though. I don't use Twitter because I have two accounts and don't really have time to devote to them both so I don't focus on either of them. I have Facebook squatting accounts I've never used. I have two YouTube accounts, and my professional one I rarely use but has some huge +'s due to comments I've made on scientific videos; while the personal one is the one I use all the time and actually has videos up now (just the songs from Thorax at present, but more stuff planned).
I used to worry about being mistreated gender-wise if I opened up about my old identity, but nowadays it's not as much of an issue since most ponies in the West understand the social etiquette of being transgender. But still, if you know somepony is trans before you meet them, you'll see them in a very different light than if you become convinced they're cis after meeting them. Primacy is everything, and being too open potentially throws that into the dumpster.
I just don't know what to do or how far to go in doing it, and it continues to eat at my soul like a lake of acid. No solution seems to be acceptable. Jewel (my long-term fiance) is reasonably closeted with his family, and that's a little rough on me too. Being trans and passable I can afford him secrecy on things I'd rather be open about.
The Extremes
Even if I gave in and decided to merge, there's a larger problem: I'm really weird in a lot of ways.
I open myself up to attack for the most extreme stuff I work on, which is a tiny minority of my creative outlet. I don't do anything illegal, but a small amount of what I write, draw, and paint would be highly objectionable to some foalks out there, even though it's generally 'artistic' in nature.
In particular, I'm not sure how to proceed even on my Fimfiction account.
Twilight's Secret Journal is sketchy at best. Some see it as horror, some as a thrill ride, some as repulsive, some as cathartic, and still others see it as erotic. It's really supposed to be all those things at once, and very uncomfortable as a result. But I could totally see somepony viewing it as a how-to guide on doing terrible things, or even as an author tract defending the absolutely indefensible—and the reason I can see that is because one or two readers have actually tried to make those claims publicly (almost to the point of libel).
Put bluntly, I don't know if I should be sharing that story on the same Fimfiction account as my other works. So far, I've been able to get away with it because you have to read tens of thousands of words before the disturbing things begin to take shape. I'd like to leave it up, but there's a problem.
The setting in TSJ is called the Order of Spring. I may write more novels and novellas from that setting, and I certainly intend to write several short stories and minifics. Now that's dangerous. Some of those minifics will be at least as disturbing, and it will be far easier for somepony to crack open a fic and be neigh-instantly disturbed beyond anything they've ever imagined. That will almost certainly lead to horrified readers lobbing accusations at me in a way that will tie directly to this account.
I've already removed one story (you can find it through my user page if you look) specifically because it was disturbing and easy to access (a minific with a T rating). It has an important message behind it, but for most potential readers that message is surely overshadowed by the content.
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of nothing, though? Maybe most readers won't give a crap about the stories they would find disturbing as long as they can enjoy the ones I write that do tickle their fancies, and those who do aren't going to try to destroy me for words on a page (or for abstract drawings and paintings, if I posted those here too). I can't really say. I just don't have any rational objectivity to tap, not on this topic.
I dunno what the buck to do about any of this, other than be frustrated. I'm still writing, though, and that won't stop anytime soon.
... 
Just a general comment, Trick:
I'm not in exactly the same situation as you, and you may already be aware of all this, but I also have a job at a major research university and some similar identity-merge problems. Doubled YouTube accounts, doubled Twitter accounts, doubled Facebook accounts, I don't even remember what else[1].
So if you find this stuff really eating at you and you need someone to talk to about it, feel free to drop me a line. You're cool peeps, and I don't mind helping friends when I can.
[1] I actually have... uhh... six gmail accounts right now? One for work, one generic-professional not tied to my current employer, one old personal account that's become a bit of a spam receptacle, one new personal account for important stuff/people only, a pony account, and a still-not-too-used account for an aspect of my life where I might experience some serious repercussions were it to become public. Nobody here would probably care about that last one, but it might go over very poorly with STEM-directed academics.
That sounds really rough, but I totally empathize. I'd have a heart-attack if anyone I knew found out I liked MLP, let alone ponyfiction and stuff like TSJ. If you decide to move it to a different account I'd happily follow you there.
Well, I mean... I hate to break it to you, but minus all your other oddities (no offense
), being a teacher typically means that you need to have a double [internet] life, anyway. You have some leeway cuz you're not teaching children, but still it's probably best that you don't, like, put up a bunch of furry and brony stuff on your 'professional' facebook page. Like you said, there's bound to be one fuck with a stick up their ass about that kind of stuff, and they probably wouldn't be able to do anything besides make a lot of noise about it, but still, it might be unpleasant.
But I honestly don't think you'd alienate anyone (that matters) by posting stuff here. People here have seen some shit already, so I wouldn't worry about that. Post away. If you're really worried, just put fair warning in the story description or something. Honestly, if they're turned off by things, and they go on reading (or viewing art) past a warning of such, it's their own damn fault. Let those people piss a bitch about it, it won't mean anything here. Again, I doubt you'll alienate anyone here that matters, you know, like your followers, they're all on board already.
That's where my advice ends, I'm afraid. My best suggestion for the rest would simply be to take your time and play it by ear.
Grats on the 500 mark, btw! Welcome to the club!
Y'know, one of the things I like about you is how thoroughly you embrace your own weirdness. :) Keep doing that.
I've done some double-life stuff online, but since I also do that IRL (i.e., not generally sharing my online activities outside a select group of trusted friends), maybe I'm more used to it. It's all about cost-benefit weighing! He said, making it sound so simple...
You can do what you want, I would love to keep reading TSJ or anything on the order as by this point, I can't stop I need to know what happens, be it good or bar, or hell even neutral. But in the end It is a story, no reason to get torn up about, if you don't like it, look the other way don't look for trouble as you will always find it. And one more thing the TSJ story is a vivid world that is full of mystery and intrigue about what is happening, there are driving forces that have not been shown that might make some things make sense and throw shade to others. To call it bad simply because people don't like what is about is just terrible. It is well written, well delivered, and good as a whole no matter what it is about!
I also have some problems with being weird, and though this might not work for you: I just embrace it and let everyone know about it! I'm too lazy to manage so many accounts anyways.
I haven't read TSJ yet, so I can't comment on that. Normally, I'd suggest making an alt, but that doesn't sound like the best idea when you're already struggling with double lives. I dunno, maybe you can just say "screw it" and let people be uncomfortable here. You need at least one place where you can be your totally unvarnished self, and this seems like the best place for that. You might alienate some readers, and that sucks, but your friends will stick by you
I'm totally with you on hating this double life crap. It's totally unnatural for me. I never hid the fact that I'm a brony or that I like guys, and I've been open about being fur-friendly since meeting so many cool furries (sorry to say that wasn't always the case), but now I'm hiding this whole trans thing from most of the people I know. I mean, yeah, I've kept stuff hidden before, but not like this. It was easier to keep things a total secret rather than splitting my life in two. It's especially frustrating because this isn't something I'm ashamed of, nor do I feel I should be. I'm just scared of losing my job, especially now that I'm buying a house. Everything going on in the media isn't helping either. I see all this transphobic crap being spouted by people I know, and I want to tackle it as a trans woman and not as an "ally", but then I risk people from work finding out. My plan's pretty much been to keep it a secret for as long as possible, but I'm honestly not sure I can even last that long. I'm really bad at this
...
Just woke up to find that I never actually posted this. Crap. Guess I passed out, and now I have no idea what I was going to say next, so I'll just say that you're a good friend, your weirdness is endearing (and who in this fandom isn't a total weirdo?), and we love you *hugs*
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Why'd you have to go and phrase it like that? Now the curiosity is gnawing at me! That's just mean
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I can already guess, but I'll be kind.
People are silly.
I don't really have any insights to add to this, but I wish you luck in finding some way to do things that makes you happy!
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Nah, it's nothing like that. I just have a penchant for what most people would refer to as 'magic'. Not stage magic, the other stuff that most people don't believe exists.
Rationalists tend to not be big fans of mystical thinking. On the other hand, I think most rationalists aren't aware of just how much mystical thinking underpins everything they do—nor are they interested in exploring what happens when you start questioning some of those more basic assumptions.
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I'm a 'rationalist', I would imagine, and have no difficulty being poked and prodded. I also believe some unusual things. But, what I believe stands on solid heuristic foundations and is defensible.
There's also a lot of math.
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Put succinctly, I also consider myself a rationalist, but:
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Oh, that's all? I thought you meant something bad. I was into that stuff back in high school
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None of the following is meant negatively, I think it's a fine and interesting topic to discuss.
I haven't seen any convincing evidence at all for an anthropocentric universe, and an anthropocentric universe is something human brains are biased for seeing, so it isn't a surprise that people see it when they look. It seems very hubristic to me to think the Universe gives a crap what the patterns in some strange monkey brains are doing as they wiggle about. Overwhelmingly, data suggests the Universe doesn't care about us, which is why so little of it is inhabitable.
The placebo effect isn't largely mind-over-matter. It exists due to the factor of time not being accounted for in uncontrolled experiments. If you get a headache, it doesn't last long, because the passage of time cures it—so things like 'Head-On' (which was a plain tube of wax, by the way) can make somepony millions of dollars.
As for actual mind-over-matter, the problem is that controlled studies (as opposed to quasi-experimental ones) don't back up the idea. The only thing mind-over-matter can affect is the same thing as the only thing Jesus can affect: invisible things. Nopony ever asks Jesus to restore an amputated limb, or expects mind over matter will allow them to regrow one. The only things magic can cure are invisible things you can't see or prove.
And, sadly, this leads to people trying to keep Charlie Gard alive when he's suffering, pretty much brain-dead, and doomed; or Jahi McNath, who might not be 100% 'brain dead' if you define it the right way, but isn't ever going to be conscious again. Skulls aren't translucent, so we can't see the dessicated brains in front of us, and as long as a curtain is in place people will think that Jesus or wishful thinking can cause a miracle. Mais non.
However, I think magic-related stuff does have a place. Things like tarot can be fun and instructional in bringing stuff in your subconscious to light, since you can't be aware of all the cognition under there. And certainly having a good attitude and maintaining hope will reduce cortisol levels and help with many physical ailments, even cancer. But throwing rationality to the wind leads to lots of deaths. The fake-science industry is responsible for tens of thousands of deaths per year (if not much more than this) in this country alone. Steve Jobs was one of them, because he had a curable form of cancer and he chose crystals and voodoo. He moved to West Virginia to get ahead on a donor list when he was already dead man walking, taking organs from people who actually needed them more. As much as I consider it a tragedy for anypony to die, it's unfortunate for some other, more-deserving patient that he didn't get Darwinned earlier.
For the record, I'm an atheist, but I believe consciousness continues after death. But again, there's a lot of math.
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You were into bad stuff in high school?
Well, that explains ponies now. It's a slippery slope.
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I completely agree about the whole holistic medicine charlatanism thing—and much of the rest of what you said.
As for an anthropocentric universe, I think that's nonsense as well—but I see our scientific ideas as phenomenally anthropocentric. Your "It seems very hubristic to me to think the Universe gives a crap what the patterns in some strange monkey brains are doing as they wiggle about," is my "It seems very hubristic to me to think that the Universe gives a crap about the patterns some strange monkey brains identify therein." For all but the last couple hundred years, all of human discovery was circumscribed by the limits of our human sense organs. As it stands now, the tools we use to extend our senses are still tied to our ideas of what senses need extending.
Put another way, I don't believe that the universe participates in the notion of organic chemistry, for example. Organic chemistry is a fantastic system for understanding and predicting a lot of important chemical and biological phenomena, but I can't imagine any reason why the universe would be constrained to operate through the mechanism of hydrocarbon chains except sheer convenience. Hydrocarbon chains make a lot more sense to a monkey brain than fantastically long chains of protons, neutrons, and electrons; which in turn make a lot more sense to a monkey brain than the same structure described in terms of quarks and leptons; and even those are essentially human notions used to describe recurrent, largely predictable phenomenological events. I think we're all fundamentally caught in an inductive trap, assuming we understand deep truths about the nature of reality when we really have nothing but evidence that certain patterns are locally likely.
With regard to the placebo effect, clearly some of it is regression to the mean, yes, especially in medical studies. But the paper I linked is one of the more fascinating results I've run across: a psi-believer and a skeptic working together to run a controlled experiment with identical protocols on all subjects and an experimental treatment that's basically just: which investigator (believer or skeptic) greets a given subject, and then does the nonsense task of occasionally staring at a video of the subject. And self-fulfilling prophecies are certainly a bigger research issue than just in the medical literature.
I don't think rationality should be thrown to the wind. Anything but—the victories rationality has given us over our environment have been hard-won. In line with the old adage that "God helps those who help themselves," I think it's crazy for people to not work from an initial position of relying on well-established scientific results. But at the same time, I think our decision-making process—heck, even the set of decision points we recognize as valid places for a choice to be made—is so heavily colored by our narrative viewpoint on our own lives, so intrinsically tied to everything that happens to us, that phenomenal amounts of change are possible in any remotely complex system around the predictions one would derive through scientific inquiry. I'm highly suspicious that this may hold all the way down to levels we don't consider especially complex systems, but that's just speculative on my part.
I think people go wrong abandoning rationality all the time. My point is more that I think the rational approach can be elaborated on and improved by acknowledging an overarching narrative layer beyond it.
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Oh yeah, I was a total bad girl in high school. I frequented a Wiccan message board and printed a whole online course on astral projection. I was all about the occult! Unfortunately, while I had the personality for it, I was never able to surpass the 110,000 experience points required to possess the real power
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Yeah, to get to that level you have to pay Scientology WAY more money for the extra XP. Then Tom Cruise can show you how to move objects with your mind.
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I'm sorry I haven't had time to read this carefully and respond. I like you a lot so I don't want to be rude to you, but I'm bad at that. Even in a friendly debate there's a little stress. I will eventually read the words you took time to write there when my mood improves.
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No worries. I like you, too, which is why I'm having fun talking about it.
Is it better for someone to know the real you and think incorrect thoughts of you (you're harmful/perverted/not to be trusted), or to not know the real you and think correct thoughts of you (you're not harmful or perverted and can be trusted)?
Sorry it took me so long to reply.
I think we're in a strange liminal place right now. No generation before right now grew up with the Internet. No generation after will grow up without it. Culture will not adapt quickly nor gracefully.
Eventually, people will have to live with every embarrassing thing about them being public. But us? hell, i would be in jail if I was a kid today and pulled half the shit I used to. And that's going to have to be something we live with. Part of that is simply the reality that a fractured existence, especially between work and sex, are the norm. Merging is the level of trust you might give a spouse- rightly, because I know of no relationships but spouse, priest, and lawyer where you might be safe to do so.
That being said, this is the time where these norms are formed. If you cannot live like that, if it's worth sacrificing your person instead then let your freak flag fly. If enough people do that, it will become the new normal. Personally, I fear it's not worth the gamble.