XCom Files Episode 8: The B Team · 4:10am Mar 18th, 2016
To B or not to B
This is the B Team.
That would make Magello the Mr T of the A Team so, yes, this works out fine.
Yep. That's me. That's my name up on the wall alright. The only one up there. Now, I know what you're thinking: How am I addressing you, my audience, if I'm obviously dead? That question is simple: Investigating Faceless technology allowed me to get a decent cover going. There's a much better question you should be asking, though.
Why, the second I die, does Central try to fucking pick up my girlfriend on the goddamn rebound.
My body isn't even cold yet! I mean, it wasn't technically my body, but they don't know that!
Speaking of being cold...
Hey, doc, how's plugging the leak going for us?
"Greetings, Commander. I think this should plug our information leak to your satisfaction, or at least I hope it will."
You know, I was speaking... euphemistically. It's not a literal leak. This looks oddly plug shaped.
"It's a new wireless dongle of my own design that should more satisfactorily encrypt data sent within the base. For the moment, it should provide you means of delivering orders without revealing your identity."
Fuck it, tell the crew I uploaded my brain into the computers and I live on as an AI. Use this as part of the relay, and start researching hologram systems. If we make it portable enough, that'll give the enemy something to shoot at that isn't our soldiers, and allow me to have a more... "personal" appearance to the rest of the ship without subverting my subterfuge.
"Understood, Commander. I must say, this entire strategem seems oddly convoluted, even by our own standards."
I have yet to see a single advantage to using hybrids as their frontline infantry that isn't just making them less ethically dubious to shoot at. We're fighting an entire war around convoluted strategy, Dr Tygan, and I will not lose it for being too straight-forward.
"That might just mean we're not looking hard enough."
Fine. Then look harder, Dr.
"I might have to dig deep for this one..."
Why this and not plated armor? Why autopsies and not that beautiful extra utility slot?
Because that's an Advanced Warfare Center, and above it is going... well. The Ghost of Heraclitus haunts those halls waiting for What Will Be.
Hey, Aragon, what are you up to?
"Duct taping a leaking antimatter core."
Isn't that dangerous?
"Yeah, which is why I want to put a machete on my broom you idiota"
I... see. How does that make you safer from radiation?
"Radiation is just electromagnetic waves, right?"
Yes?
"I'll stab them."
... duly noted.
Alright, time for a new mission. Now that we've covered a warm, comparitively equatorial region, it's time to head way the fuck back up north to break the rookies in. Trial by fires have nothing on trials by Siberia.
Norm De Plume, ladies and gentlemen
War Journal, entry #172
The new squad seems fresh, green. I heard the original strike team is on bedrest. Drafted before I could get official training. Not that I need it, but it's the best way to get a chit for better equipment from the armory. Not the quickest, mine; The quickest is to prove I can be trusted with a bigger gun. However, since they gave tall, blue and dense over there something I'm sure was only ever meant to be mounted from a helicopter gunship, I'm certain policy is a bit more lax than it could be.
Further-
Norm De Plume: The fellow dressed all in black, he's an odd duck, isn't he?
Blue Paladin: "I heard he's from California."
Norm: "Ah, say no more."
Meg: "What happened in California, anyway?"
Blue Paladin: "Best not to talk about it. I heard it was pretty bad. Started when the whole state snapped right off from the fault line and just went downhill from there."
Meg: "Well, what about you, Norm? Monarch? What are your stories?"
Norm: "Apparently the Commander monopolized the world's surviving stores of My Little Pony merchandise. So..."
Meg: "Yeah that sounds like something Ross would have done."
Norm: "Apparently they were using the Canadian animation studios to make propaganda for kids? So strictly speaking, it made sense."
Monarch Dodora: "I just want to kill some alien scum."
Blue Paladin: "What'd they do? Abduct your family or something?"
Monarch Dodora: "Do I need a reason to want to kill aliens? They're aliens. They're invading my planet. It'd be like being in 1942 and not wanting to shoot the Nazis."
Meg: "Fair enough."
Monarch Dodora: "Do you know how often a chance in your lifetime comes along where you get to kill things and be a hero for it? Very goddamn few."
Horizon: "He's very pink."
Meg: "Yes. Yes he is."
Horizon: "Why is he pink?"
Norm: "I am incredibly secure in my masculinity."
Monarch: "Real men don't wear pink. What are you, some kind of faggot?"
Meg: "Woah?!"
Blue Paladin: "Would it matter if he was?"
Norm: "Because I'm not. Not that it actually matters either way. It would just be very awkward for those girls I used to be a massage slave for."
Monarch: "I thought blue pills this beta were just an urban legend..."
Meg: "You used to be a- what? Is that a real thing?"
Norm: "Sure. Back sore?"
Meg: "Ooh, please."
Monarch: "I am scared and confused"
Horizon:
War Journal, entry #173
Tensions seem high. Keeping to the back to observe my new teammates behaviour is paying off. Blue Paladin seems immature, but his combat record is spotless. Meg and Norm might end up being the voices of reason, good to keep close at hand.
Monarch, on the other hand, seems to have conflicting personal beliefs and opinions. Sure to cause disharmony. I don't trust our chances at this rate, but we'll have to see. At the very least, I can always organize an... accident.
Will avoid. He seems handy with a weapon. Untested in live combat though, but that's true of Norm as well.
Is this really the best they could pull together? Situation might be worse than reported.
Meg: "I kind of miss Mags right now, Blue."
Blue Paladin: "Really? I mean, I do too, but why bring it up now?"
Meg: "We're on the high ground right now. Highest ground even. What are the odds he'd be making plane noises with his mouth right about now?"
Blue Paladin: "As loudly as possible, giving our location away?"
Meg: "Good point. I'll go get that other rooftop and see if I see anything worth pointing out, then. I'll-"
"Already got the gate for you, corporal. Good luck."
Meg: "Oh, uh, thanks... 'Horizon'?"
Horizon: "Just being a good squad mate, ma'am."
"Why can't we have stealth elevators..."
Monarch Dodora: "I'm heading with Corporal Meggles, you guys good to take right flank?"
Blue Paladin: "Well, it's better to stay together at this point but-"
"Sorry, what was that? I can't hear you from all the way over here."
Blue Paladin: "He does realize we have radios right?"
Norm: "Yes. Yes he does. Which is why he just whispered that at us through one."
Blue Paladin: "Oh. Right."
"Well, Norm, you and I are officially the Blue Crew."
Norm: "One sec, I have to make a pun in the Commander's honour; "Let me pink on that one". Alright, memory honoured, sounds good to me. Sweep right?"
Blue: "Nah, they got some Spanish guy to do the sweeping, but we might as well head on down that way anyway."
Norm: "... right."
Blue: "Here, I'll give you a boost and you can get up this tree, see if you can spot anything."
"Heh. I haven't climbed a tree in a warzone since... wait does a hockey riot count? In which case there was this lovely girl about four years ago-"
"I'm picking up some radio chatter. They're North, not West."
Blue: "Oh, Serifina would hate this."
"You mean I climbed all the way up here for nothing?!
Horizon: "Corporal Paladin, sir, most everyone's in position. I'd advise another turn before laying our ambush, let Monarch Dodora get into a more advantageous flanking location, and see if we can't get them to step more into the op- sir?
"I am. Going to shoot. A snake. With tits. Fourteen year old me would be so proud right now."
"Hey! This is an ambush, you aren't allowed to dodge an ambush! You're flat-footed! You don't even get a Dex bonus!"
Meg: "Well there goes the element of surprise."
Norm: "Fortunately we still have element number 82 on our side!"
Meg: "I don't-"
"It's lead!"
Horizon: "Flashbang out."
"Can't let her recognize me. I think she's one of my ex's... cousins?... I never was much good at the family get togethers..."
"It's much easier to dodge when they're blind and deaf!"
"Which is good, because that means they haven't noticed me yet, either. Can, uh, someone get them for me?
"Well, I can certainly try. I mean, he's flanked, out in the open, and holding a sword in a gunfight, but until a few days ago I was mostly just fiddling with audio visual equipment for SJW academics... So I've had years of practice being very good at not shooting people.
"Oh, that was catharsis right there."
"Hey. Hi there. Remember how you dodged my shot a moment ago, even though that was totally cheating? Yeah well...
Let's try that again, while you're still blind and deaf, and I'm right here. You don't even get an attack of opportunity because jumping that wall counts as a five foot step. You ready?"
"Dodge this."
Meg: "You know this isn't DnD right?"
Blue Paladin: "As soon as I see something that isn't at a ninety degree angle to everything else, I'll be more inclined to believe you."
*Stealth gate opening noises*
Monarch Dodora: "Okay, they're right there in the open, they didn't hear me, haven't noticed me yet... I got this."
"I have so got this."
"I have so unbelievably got this."
"Okay, someone must have loaded blanks in this, because there is no way that thing just dodged buckshot."
Smooth customer here seems to draw mass down, expecting headshots. Aim for center of mass, he'll lean into the fire. Visor relatively unprotected, expect complete penetration of skull.
Still disoriented from flashbang, don't think he recognized me, even until the last. Lethality of blow confirmed. Good to see the higher ups saw fit to make the rank and file here bleed green, or I might have a conscience to contend with. Still make sure not to enjoy it, or I might end up like-
Monarch Dodora: "You know what I love about killing aliens? They're different, but not too different."
Blue Paladin: "What do you... what do you mean?"
Monarch Dodora: "I mean, you don't get this from hunting, right?"
Meg: "I'm not looking in case he's pointing at his dick. I'm just going to assume he's-"
Norm De Plume: "Oh yeah."
"God damn it, now I feel weird about looting the corpse..."
Blue Paladin: "Just remember, need before greed, 'kay?"
Meg: "What does that even mean?"
Norm: "It means give him the scope because you're the better shot."
Blue: "Hey!"
"Let me just get behind cover again..."
"Find a big tree, I can just climb it if things go south real quick an OH BOY that is a fortress, that's a fortress right there."
Horizon: "Well that explains the comms I was picking up..."
Norm: "You see anything?"
Meg: "Well, it looks pretty safe to move up. I'll take point, since they haven't spotted me yet. Tell you if I see anything."
"Yep. That's... that's definitely something alright."
Horizon: "How problematic? Are our gooses cooked?"
Meg: "Nah it's just a turret. But, I mean, it's also a very big turret."
Blue: "Well if you need a wrecking crew..."
"It never is just a turret. Heads down, ears pricked."
"Reloading. Robots aren't any fun to shoot at anyway. Might as well take a hammer to a Roomba."
Meg: "Roombas don't shoot back though."
Blue: "Maybe yours doesn't. I duct taped a landmine to my one at home though."
Norm: "Okay, I'll bite: Why?"
Blue: "'Cause that way it'll clean up the mess it causes, right?"
Meg: "Ah, guys? I think someone stepped into its line of sight."
'Wait, what?"
I've got no justification for this one. This was just me not realizing Monarch had stepped one tile too close. I honestly thought the only one seeing the turret right now was the still-concealed Meg
"I'm just out of range. I think I can knock out everything load-bearing underneath it though."
"Oh, now, come on!"
That laser-window is straight, flat-out levitating right now, on both sides of that corner. That roof edge should be dead to rights!
Monarch Dodora: "Well, it's not as fun as killing something with a pulse, but it's put up a good fight so-"
"Saiyonara, douchecunt"
Nope. No comment.
"At least it burns well. That really counts for something."
War Journal, entry #174
Accidents happen.
And sometimes you accidentally trade a squad mate's position for intel and favours.
More of a squad acquaintance, really.
"Okay, I just checked the building and everything seems clear. If there was anybody in here, they just had a turret fall on them. I'm going to keep scouting towards the transport."
"Yep. I see at least two of them, maybe more, approaching from the side. No cover from the river side either."
Monarch Dodora: "What? Only two of them? See this is why this should just be a man's job, you're too busy hiding to actually take on-
"What the hell is that!?!"
"Cover me guys? Guys?"
"I've got your back, Dodora."
All the easier to put the knife in, honestly.
"Going overwatch on the flank. Still getting used to actually shooting people, though, I've got to admit. I'm of two minds about the whole thing."
"I mean, is this really what I want to be doing? I'm Canadian! I've seen enough hockey fights to know I'm not really up to, you know, hurting people, unless they ask really nicely."
"I don't really want to be paid in My Little Pony blind bags anyway."
Meg: "Okay, that's definitely not Norm. I saw pictures of his Equestrium on the way over."
"Shots failed to connect, Monarch, get yourself out of there!"
Like I've ever missed a shot in my life.
Just so you know I am, in fact, screaming and panicking right now.
"I dodged... I dodged? HA! HA HA HA! I'm alive! I have the smoothest moves! Of course you're the police, that's why you can't stick me with anything! Never have and never w-"
*ZZZZFFFFFSSST*
"Vengeance!"
Again, another case of the overwatch shot that would have saved a life triggering after the lethal attack
"Hey, Norm, buddy. Why don't you just... just put the weapon down and we'll talk this out, eh?"
I didn't get a screenshot of it, because I was so surprised, but it turns out if a squad member is mind controlled while on overwatch, the overwatch is maintained. Fortunately, Blue dodged.
"It's okay, buddy, we'll just pretend that never happened. Fix your head right up. Here, let's get you your shots."
"You feeling better? No? Damn it, he must have passed his Concentration check..."
"I can't get a clear shot, there's no better cover, and moving at all will let them notice me. You know what that means?"
Blue Paladin: "Situation's FUBAR? Because at this rate, I've got my finger on the evac button."
War Journal #175
First mission ending with casualty might have been a worse decision than thought. Squad capable, but mind control unexpected hiccup. That ripples outwards, and suddenly the numbers are a lot worse. Instead of four again three, it's now three against four, with the fatality still hanging a thick fog on the corporal's minds. I'm the only rookie left. Meg's conscience obviously can't-
"It means no one gets to yell at me when I decide to stab this brain-molesting bipedal scrotum!"
"Oh, wow, they are even uglier on the inside. I gotta send a picture to Serifina, this is awful."
War Journal #175-a
First mission ending with casualty might have been a worse decision than thought. Squad capable, but mind control unexpected hiccup. That ripples outwards, and suddenly the numbers are a lot worse. Instead of four again three, it's now three against four, with the fatality still hanging a thick fog on the corporal's minds. I'm the only rookie left. Meg's conscience obviously can't-My commanding officer just sliced a sectoid in half, knowing full well she was putting herself in great danger to do so. She is currently singing an elf drinking song. This is why I am proud to side with humanity.
"I have no idea what came over me. I'm getting the full wave 13 blind bag set for this."
"That's probably earned me at least a custom plushie."
"Humanity. You can stomp it down, crush it up, oppress it, cage it, placate it, but you can never quite seem to repress it."
"It does my hearts good."
Paladin: "Here's to humanity! Bonus feat and skill points!"
A turn passes. Everyone joins together to regroup, and respects are paid to the fallen Monarch Dodora. Horizon takes lookout on the building the turret once stood vigil.
Horizon: "Corporals, I see a squad, they're moving in fast! I can't get a clear shot!"
Ох ви сте тако мртви!
"They're swarming our position! Stop kicking the corpse in the ribs and take cover!
"Draw them out, like the vermin they are. Paladin and I will set up a kill field."
Blue Paladin: "Wait, we will? I was just going to shoot at whoever came 'round the corner."
Horizon: "Then you are familiar with the tactic!"
Meg: "I don't like the sound of being a pinata, guys."
Norm: "Nah, you're more like the rabbit they stick on greyhound race tracks."
"YOU ARE NOT HELPING"
"Okay, I pulled aggro. I think I really pissed them off. They're coming to flank me. So, uh... don't let me get shot again, please? It hurts a lot.
"Oh, shit, shit, shit, shi-"
"Got your back corporal! And your sides! Consider me a well-armed haircut."
"Explains why you only took a little off the top then!"
Norm: "Madam, you wound me."
Meg: "Unfortunately so does he."
Blue Paladin: "They're not stepping further out like we'd hoped!"
"Targets moving and I don't have sight. I'm taking the shot, be prepared for a miss."
Like you've ever missed a shot in your life.
"I can't get a shot in at the last-"
Meg: "Norm, do you know how much getting shot hurts?"
Norm: "Err... no?"
Meg: "A lot, Norm. It hurts a lot."
Norm: "O-oh."
Blue: "Meg, don't-"
"The bastard shot me, Blue."
Blue: "I know, Meg. But you shouldn't-"
*INCOMPREHENSIBLE DWARVEN BATTLECRY*
Blue Paladin: "Ahhh... well. Back to base then, I guess...?"
Norm: "Ah, Meg, you're still dripping blood..."
Meg: "It's okay, I'm pretty sure less than half of it is mine."
"Just as planned."
War Journal, entry #176
I couldn't have asked for a better team.
Well. I couldn't have asked. And even a prize winning rose needs to be trimmed.
Meg's going to be okay?
"Yes, Commander. I do not know why you are asking me, you have the information there-"
I know, Tygan, I know. I just wanted to hear it out loud, you know?
"Central has been sure to-"
Don't want to hear it. Sorry I keep cutting you off, but I really just... don't.
"Since when do you carry a hip flask, Commander?"
Since I died, doctor. I hear rum is good for the constitution.
I'm considering rationing it to the soldiers. Booze made of sugar. Magello ought to love it.
"The hospital food, I'm sure you will find, is to the troop's satisfaction. Ice cream cake is a comparatively cheap luxury to what they deserve."
Train up a new ranger. Someone with a bit more... subtlety than the last one. We have anyone with 'dark' or 'shadow' in their nickname?
"We do, sir, but-"
Fuck it, good enough.
Stealthy.
Sorry this one's not as good as usual, I'm just a tad sick at the moment.
I like these. <3
That was great. ^^ Poor Dodora, though. D: Couple busted image tags too, just missing the ].
Hope you feel better soon, Numbers! Eat lots of vitamins 'n drink lotsa water 'n maybe take some airborne.
*crafts +10 pot of Chicken Soup*
Bradford's got gaaaaaame
D: noooo casualties. I thought Meg was gonna bite it there for a bit
3813842
No teeth.
3813854 oh my god I meant I thought she was gonna die
I've made a grave mistake
*retching sounds from the barracks*
RIP Monarch. We barely knew ye.
That was a fun day.
That could have gone worse. Was pretty worried for Meggy there.
Also, could I get you to write my dialogue in real life?
3813898
If you could figure out how I'd go about doing that, then absolutely. I'd love to have "The Voice of Blue_Paladin 42" on a resume. It'd look great on IMDB to have an "Actual human person" tab.
Nice! B-Team didn't get completely FUBARd. I'll be honest, I'm kinda glad the one dude died, I was already getting tired of his name. Still not even sure how to pronounce the second part.
3813895
Oh come on squaddie, you've made worse come out of our enemies with your gadgets. Quitcher bitchin'!
I was very amused at *Incomprehensible Dwarven Battlecry*. Do continue, please.
This was great. It is a good thing your totally normal, non-suspicious human squad member kept himself safe.
Your squads are getting pretty chewed-up, though. I guess that's what happens before you get armor upgrades, but still, ouch. Five wounded people hurts a lot.
Oh, I hope you feel better soon.
Well, that could've gone better, but it also could've gone a whole lot worse. Still firmly in a touch-and-go period, but nothing bolsters morale like elvish war songs of slicing horrible naked psykers in twain.
Ah a soldier with such an excellent track record, lost.
I've lost count how many did I lose, because they didn't for the love of god manage to hit the friggen snake. I think my first squadwipe happened because my soldiers kept missing every single shot they made. Literally, I didn't hit crap on that mission. (Needless to say I reloaded, cus I'm not hard enough for ironman.)
3814006
Instances where it is clear that the Random Number God just fucking hates you is why I look at the ironman button in the first game and just shake my head.
Everything about these posts is fantastic.
My first mission! Squeeee! How'd I do? how'd I do? how'd I -
Ah well. I am proud, however, that so many things wanted to kill me in such a short space of time.
And you captured my personality beautifully.
I downright cackled at work reading this! Magnificent!
I think this is going to be my guiding motto going into the future with every game of XCom I play from now on.
3814031 It was rough, but I did manage to beat the first game on classic ironman, and then again on impossible ironman. Very heavy use of overwatch, rushing plasma weapons, always using a SHIV until near the end, and snipers, for the love of god, lots of snipers.
Needless to say, it took more than a couple tries. >_>;
Managed it well before that one guy went around youtube claiming he was the first to do it a few months back.
Course that far after release, nobody sensible would believe that claim anyways. 
3814664 *comforts with ice creams*
3817946
*Ice cream cake
3817952 Hehe, yiss.
Ice cream cake is mandatory. *nods sagely*
3814664 At least you looked really good in the process.
I'm looking forward to the next episode. ^_^ I think I'm more interested in this than reading about ponies right now....
..... nah.
Still, looking forward to it!
Maybe someday soon there will be a Frissy on the roster! 