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Nov
19th
2015

The best nutzo Star Wars fanboy theory ever: Jar-Jar is the mastermind behind Emperor Palpatine · 10:37pm Nov 19th, 2015


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If only it were true, I would be excited, nay, thrilled, about the next Star Wars movie.

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Comments ( 30 )

Darth Darth Binks.

Yousa not know the power of the dark side, Finny.

If only _____________, I would be excited, nay neigh, thrilled, about the next Star Wars movie.

There is no longer anything that can fill that blank for me.

Not the first time I've seen this theory, and it seems just as frighteningly plausible as before. And now I'm really disappointed that we never got a Yoda/Jar Jar duel.

The first fan who watched the new Star Wars movie (at an early private screening, just for him) died a few days afterwards.

Just, you know, throwing that out there.

Though yes, this theory is amazing. Almost as good as the one that R2D2 and Chewbacca were secret Rebel agents throughout the series as well.

3554129 How about:
If Luna and Celestia appear as Jedi warriors, ...
If Lucas uses CGI to add silent movie stars of the 1920s in the background, ...
If it were entirely in iambic pentameter, ...

3554198
In the first case, I would see it, but I wouldn't be excited. In the second and third cases, I wouldn't even see it.

I can't even appreciate Star Wars Wars. Pretty much anything that reminds me of the terribleness ruins it for me.

I could buy that theory
Would be totes awesome if it ever got confirmed as truth

Of course, now I'm imagining Drunken Master Jar Jar having a lightsaber battle with Yoda in the second movie.

Also Jar Jar "accidentally" blundering towards Anakin and Obi Wan, and cutting off Anakin's hand before they realize that his erratic movements are actually the result of his style.

EDIT: I loved this bit further down:

I like this theory. It always fits with a part of TPM that always felt odd to me. When Jar Jar arrives in the underwater kingdom thing, they take him seriously. They point spears at him, and don't act like he's just a bumbling idiot. They seem more worried about him than the two Jedi he's with. Contrast this with the absolute conviction of the federation dudes that the Jedi are a huge potential threat. It is clear soon after that they recognise them as Jedi, so they're not acting from ignorance.

Not long after, when they're on the way to the planet's core, Qui-gon asks Jar Jar why he was banished, and Jar Jar acts very shiftily, saying it was because he was "clumsy" and yes, "you could say that". He does, though, acknowledge this was "a small part of it", while being extremely evasive. The Jedi seem skeptical, but presumably don't think too much more about it. Jar Jar then describes causing great damage.

They are then attacked by a big fish, who is then eaten by another, bigger fish. Qui-gon comments that "There's always a bigger fish."

This "introduction to Jar Jar" struck me as very strange. It never occurred to me that he might be the big villain of your theory, but damn, it really fits. We're introduced to Jar Jar as feared, dishonest, and with reference to a "bigger fish".

It also seems strange that they have this guardian angel of a giant fish.

PresentPerfect
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>implying this is not 100% canon

Tumblr's been blowing up about this for the last month. :V

3554287

As someone who is on tumblr right now, let me say that tumblr is blowing up about everything, all the time. It's part of the charm.

I want to believe the Darth Darth Binks theory, but basically I have to conclude Lucas simply isn't that smart or subtle a storyteller. None of the rest of his oeuvre leads me to believe he's capable of something like that.

3554307
What, are you saying that the random shapeshifter alien assassin at the start of the second movie was just randomly thrown in, and wasn't a carefully laid plant to make everyone think about the possibility of shapeshifters throughout the movie?

Or, I guess more accurately, make ANAKIN think about it. Totally paranoid, questions everyone's identity... except Jar Jar, because he's too much of a clumsy idiot to suspect.

Gets to the end of the movie, clumsy ol' Jar Jar has picked up a lightsaber from a dead and is swinging it around dangerously... and unhands Anakin and stumbles towards Obi Wan, who is remarkably hard pressed to fight him off as he stumbles around.

They realize abruptly that something is wrong, and then sinister reveal that "Jar Jar" was a shapeshifter. Beats Obi Wan, ridiculous duel with Yoda...

And then after he flees, the "real" Jar Jar can show up and everyone is like "Oh, that card!"

Except of course it was the real Jar Jar all along, as revealed in the third movie, and he had always been a shapeshifter.

Also would allow them to give him a more ominous visage when he's actually fighting.

When they cut the plot, they leave in the scene with the assassin because hey, why rewrite it for no reason? Gotta get the plot moving somehow. But it leaves a random shapeshifting alien who appears for no reason and then no one ever mentions it ever again as a plot artifact.

I actually totally agree that Lucas isn't really skilled enough to pull it off well, but on the other hand, he had a lot of dumb ideas in the first movie - the midichlorians, Jar Jar's general existence, Anakin saving the day, Anakin's painful lines... it is possible he wouldn't realize what a bad idea this is, because Jar Jar ends up TOO comedic to take seriously.

3554259

Also Jar Jar "accidentally" blundering towards Anakin and Obi Wan, and cutting off Anakin's hand before they realize that his erratic movements are actually the result of his style.

This is Episode 7, right? Anakin and Obi Wan are dead. It's gotta be Luke's hand. Again.

I want this to be a thing: Luke's hand gets cut off in every episode from now on. Like Kenny in South Park.

3554376

I want this to be a thing: Luke's hand gets cut off in every episode from now on. Like Kenny in South Park.

That'd be beautiful.

Admittedly this is something of a trope with cybernetic parts though; because they aren't actually a part of your body, they feel more "replacable" and thus are more acceptable to destroy/cut off than real body parts.

3554403 You're right. Luke loses a different limb in each episode from now on.

He's got Sith eyes. And in the documentary for Ep 1, Lucas is walking around talking with Steven Spielberg (who is no fool).

They talk about how the jedi cut down the battle droids 'like they're butter'. About how Jar Jar is the 'key to all this'. Lucas tells Spielberg everything… and the two finish up by telling each other 'it's going to be great. It's going to be great!' with great enthusiasm. And they KNOW having pathetically weak enemies is no good. Lucas had Vader before… who was one single mysterious locus of evil, not 'an army'.

That tells me the droid and clone armies were never meant to be the Big Bad, just a distraction from the 'one spooky Force wielder upon whom everything depends', good or evil. Lucas likes secret lurkers. and has never made 'stormtroopers' the real threat or the real plot point.

Spielberg likes big cheesy drama. He, himself, made audiences love a really goofy-looking puppet (but with kawaii eyes, not creepy Sith eyes). I think he knew about this plan and thought it was going to work.

People hated Jar Jar TOO much. He was never meant to be loved, but he was never meant to be hated THAT much. It ruined the whole plan, depressing George and taking the spine out of the project. George is super grandiose, with big poorly-defined ambitious plans. I think he didn't mean to stop with Ep.3. I think he was planning to keep going, and the final trilogy would be the Evil Binks trilogy.

I thoroughly enjoy this fanon, and put it as only one tier less believable than the "Each of the James Bonds have inherited the code-name from the predecessor" idea.
Which puts it ahead of basically the rest of them that I've heard.

And this is why I could never get into Star Wars. Ever.

You're laughing, but you get the joke--the joke is that George Lucas is box office poison when it comes to any property that doesn't involve a spaceship or a fedora. The joke is that George Lucas burst upon the American filmmaking scene forty-five years ago like a demented colossus. He was this brilliant insane outsider genius who gave us THX-1138 and American Graffiti, and he was mad as hell at the Hollywood establishment and he wasn't going to take any more shit from them.

Then he had one hit movie, which was basically about four or five episodes of the old Flash Gordon serial, the black-and-white ones with Buster Crabbe, only with the serial numbers filed off. And he's been plagiarizing himself for thirty-five years, film bloats to trilogy metastasizes to trilogy of trilogy sequels, mainly because everything he's touched ever since that isn't Indiana Jones or Star Wars bombs at the box office.

He's the Hideaki Anno of Western live-action filmmaking. ("Star Wars 2.0: You Can (not) Stop Buying My Merchandise")

Also, on an unrelated point, I think he uses the old stock "Wilhelm Scream" sound effect entirely too much, and most if not all of his films would be improved, if only slightly, if it were replaced with the "Goofy Holler." Compare and contrast:

3554638
The problem with recent Lucas stuff is more that back when Lucas was young and didn't have as much ego, he was able to take advice from the people he worked with and use that to polish his good ideas into something fun to watch. A lot of the best lines from the original Star Wars films were suggested by other people.

Fast-forward thirty years and he's convinced his vision is infallible, no one has the guts to call him on it, and his movies turn out really badly flawed.

3554129
3554376

If only Luke were to lose a new limb every episode, I would be excited— neigh, thrilled about the new Star Wars movie.

3555039 As I understand it (from a video I can no longer find) everyone on the Star Wars team knew the prequels were bad- including Lucus. But they were so far along that if they cut the bad scenes out, every semblance of the plot (as it were) would fall apart.

It would have absolutely made the prequels if they gave Count Dooku's position to Binks

3556226
Yes, but the unwillingness to correct Lucas is why that revelation didn't happen until the film was too far along to fix.

3554451

That tells me the droid and clone armies were never meant to be the Big Bad, just a distraction from the 'one spooky Force wielder upon whom everything depends', good or evil. Lucas likes secret lurkers. and has never made 'stormtroopers' the real threat or the real plot point.

The prequels, for all their many flaws, I find conceptually strong because Lucas was allegorizing real-life history: the Roman Republic, the United States, the Weimar Republic....the films were a metaphor for democratic nations with small, weak militaries manipulated by politicians and military figures into becoming global powerhouses with strong standing armies*. That gradual erosion from antimilitarist democracy to authoritarianism is the crux of the entire film franchise so far. Palpatine may be 'the face' of the Empire, but the series is entirely about him in context as a emperor rising from the ashes of a democracy to lead his legions to control the galaxy. That's the heart of the series' social commentary on republicanism, and the essence of the threat he represents.

* As the series was first brainstormed in the '70s, Lucas literally used Richard M. Nixon as a placeholder name for the Emperor.

3557065 That's a very interesting observation. How come the Star Wars nerds never told me this?

I think, though, the idea that "democratic" nations were manipulated by politicians and military figures is a simplistic "find the witch" approach to history. If you look at the Roman Republic, it was destroyed more by Sulla than by Julius Caesar. And the destruction was initiated not by "bad guys", but by the good guys: Tiberius and Gaius Gracchus, and Gaius Marius, who had to subvert the Republic in order to pass necessary populist reforms that the upper-class senators wouldn't allow. Instead of having a proper revolution, they tried to work within the existing government, but they had to bend it so much out of shape that all respect for its rules were lost forever by the time Sulla came and stomped all over them.

I also suspect the Romans had little moral character because they had too much morality. They were always talking about virtue, honor, et cetera, in a high-flown, idealized, absolutist way that undermined it, by implying that it was something rare and very strenuous rather than something humans have naturally, and by making it look impractical. Perhaps more importantly, handing people a moral code as a set of rules to follow destroys their own capacity to think in moral terms, and ultimately destroys their ability to grasp morality as an ought rather than as a mere set of rules imposed by someone sufficiently powerful.

3557251

Obviously it's a simplistic approach, because it's a movie series schizophrenically divided between child-appealing fairy-tale morality and hardcore political machination -- which is where a lot of the hate for the prequel trilogy comes from. I can appreciate that Lucas at least attempted a complex story about trade embargoes and tax-revolting separatists destroying republican government, but I'm firmly in the minority, it seems.

I'd be lying if I said I thought fans are the best judge of a work's subtext. Fans are often fans because they react to something emotionally, not intellectually. Some (most?) are more interested in the wish-fulfillment than the meaning behind the plot. Like those Hunger Games fans who unironically love the gaudy fashions of the Capitol (sponsored by Subway and Maybelline, so get Katniss's fave hoagie and eyeliner today!) and want to be Tributes in the titular Games (which, come to think of it, were, like Star Wars, also inspired by the Vietnam War).

Instead of having a proper revolution, they tried to work within the existing government, but they had to bend it so much out of shape that all respect for its rules were lost forever by the time Sulla came and stomped all over them.

That's exactly what happened in the films. The Republic was introduced as decrepit and cronyist and unable to meet the political demands of the day (albeit political demands Palpatine himself manufactured), so he portrayed himself as the strong-willed politician who was just doing 'what was necessary' to save the galaxy. For this, he was met with cheering by the Senate, prompting Padme to quip, "So this is how liberty dies: to thunderous applause". Even then, the Senate still endured for the entire nineteen years until A New Hope, when it was finally dissolved.

"Dear J. J. Abrams,

"Just to let you know: if you screw up the new Star Wars movie, you will forever be known as Jar-Jar Abrams.

"Sincerely, Everybody.

It's a nifty theory, but I feel it runs into the "conspiracy theory competence" problem.

3554184
Oh, I think I remember that movie.

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