Badfic Slaughterhouse #15 · 7:39pm Nov 11th, 2014
Welcome back to the Badfic Slaughterhouse, where I subject myself to a variety of stories—new and old, good and bad, famous and unknown—recommend the best for your reading pleasure, and throw the worst into a grinder for your twisted amusement.
What? You thought I only read Five Score, Divided by Four stories for three weeks?
A few of these things piled up, so it didn’t take much extra reading to fill out this post.
Now I'm sad because I remembered how I used to be able to populate one of these in three or four days before all my free time dried up.
Apple Family Last Stand: The Final Battle of the Changeling War, by sparks2037
Tags: Gore, Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Rating: Teen
Length: 8,540 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: The Apple clan takes on a changeling army. Yeah, the title pretty much summed it up.
Review: This is part of a series of stories in the same continuity. Its sister fics are Quadruple Sonic Rainboom - Into Thin Air and Time Enough for Sisters (Five Rarities, One Sweetie Belle), both of which I enjoyed. By the way, I just noticed that these titles have been getting longer every time, so if it ever gets up to five or six stories in the set, the titles will probably be as long as the stories themselves.
Unlike those other stories, however, this one doesn’t stand particularly well on its own. One of its major conflicts is left completely unresolved because it’s explored in the Rarity story, making it more of a supplemental work. The order in which you approach the two stories doesn’t matter, but the one you read first will affect your perception of the other.
The technology level presented in this story is jarring. In the span of a decade, Equestria apparently developed advanced automobiles, full-auto weapons, and even mech suits. This pushes suspension of disbelief pretty hard. YMMV, I suppose.
It’s told in first-person from Applejack’s perspective, and the character voice, while mostly fine, is a bit iffy in some places. There are some odd word choices that I just can’t imagine AJ saying. It also has an issue with passive voice that some readers may be sensitive to.
On the other hand, the action is fast-paced with plenty of tension. Just about everything is well-described, and anything of importance that’s introduced plays a role by the conclusion. The climax strikes a little too close to Aliens for my liking, especially when a deliberate reference is thrown in, and I think the boss enemy is a little over-the-top, but it’s generally satisfying.
On a mechanical level, it’s nearly flawless. However, there are a few redundant saidisms, and the tagging is wrong. There’s no emphasis on humor, so it shouldn’t be listed as a comedy. The AU tag is also out of place, as it is a future story, and the dark tag is a bit questionable.
Verdict: While the technology level strains credibility and it doesn’t stand on its own as a complete work, it’s an interesting piece of supplemental material for a creative and enjoyable series. I’d recommend the other stories above this one, but if you enjoy them, Apple Family Last Stand is also worth your time.
T-T-T-Tia!, by Dash The Stampede
Tags: Comedy, Random
Rating: Everyone
Length: 1,316 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Discord turns Celestia into a giant Chia Pet. Luna’s there too.
Review: There isn’t much to this one. It’s a single joke stretched out across 1300 words. As with all humor, your mileage may vary.
Honestly, I remember this story more for an error than anything it does right. There’s a jarring moment where Celestia starts galloping, but then is suddenly not galloping, like the author forgot what was happening.
While it’s generally competent in most regards, that one glaring mistake notwithstanding, it does have an issue with excessive telling, and there are some occasional punctuation errors, including a few instances of the dreaded comma splice.
Verdict: Barely over 1000 words, no substance beyond the concept, cheap humor—yep, it’s basically a crackfic. If you like crackfics (or are obsessed with Chia Pets) have a look. You might get a few chuckles from it.
Lost in a Terrifying World, by Erisn
Tags: Gore, Dark, Crossover
Rating: Teen
Length: 94,717 words (Status: Complete – 5/20 chapter(s) read; several others skimmed)
Synopsis: Slender Man comes to Equestria and starts killing ponies while the author regales you with his/her headcanon about eldritch monsters.
Review: I want to say this is terrible. I’m not sure if that’s fair, though. I hate this story so much that I can’t even be sure I’m being objective about it.
The POV is split between Slender Man and the ponies, and while the pony parts aren’t entirely bad, the Slender Man parts are crudely infodumped and rushed. Too much attention is focused on him, so when he’s committing acts of unspeakable violence, there’s no sense of weight to the effects because he thinks nothing of it, and it’s his mind we’re seeing. When the prose tells us that the villain breaking a pony's neck is a good thing, something has gone wrong.
It’s confusing and loaded with narrative exposition, but even more damning than that, it’s just totally unpleasant. The concept, the plot, and the style weave together into an ugly tapestry that gets worse every second I look at it. I saw nothing in this story that evoked any emotion other than a desire to get away from it.
I skimmed a few of the later chapters just to see where the story was going, and when I saw the ending, I wanted to carve “Stupid-B-Gone” into a cinder block and smash it over the author’s head. Again, I can’t be certain I’m being fair. I just hate the story that much.
Mechanically, there’s some comma errors, but it’s perfectly readable.
Verdict: Did I mention that I despise this story? Of all the stories I’ve read on this site, and they number in four digits, this is in my top ten list of "Things That Should Not Exist." However, if you like gory, unpleasant dark fics with invincible villains the author obviously likes more than the heroes, it might be right up your alley.
The Loneliest Laundromat, by PresentPerfect
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 3,695 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Sudsy Bubbles (AKA Derpy) runs a laundromat in the EqG universe, but she never has any customers. In the aftermath of Rainbow Rocks, a chance visit from Sonata Dusk changes things.
Review: I’m not sure how much I can say about this one, to be honest. Any comments I have about the plot would spoil the payoff, so I guess I’ll keep it brief.
This story is essentially a send-up of a common cartoon trope about how characters wear the same clothes every day. In that regard, it’s a rousing success. The pacing is solid, and the comedy works well.
Stylistically, however, it has a notable fault. Throughout the story, Sudsy never speaks, and that’s fine. It’s a good idea, in fact. However, the effect is undermined—almost negated entirely—by spelling out her thought processes in the narration. There’s also a self-congratulatory bit in the author’s note where he hints at an underlying joke that most readers probably missed, which I consider to be a misstep because mentioning it is going to send readers back to the top of the page to look for it, and if they don’t pick up on the joke, it’ll lead to frustration, which could retroactively demolish their enjoyment of the story. If they do spot it, it won’t have the same punch.
Mechanically, it's nearly flawless. There are a handful of little comma errors, but no one other than a pedantic jackass (like me) would seek them out. The only thing that bothers me is the use of certain present tense terms in the narration. It isn't an issue for most people, and you'll see sometimes stuff like that in published novels, but I just don't see the point in using "right now" instead of "at that moment," as an example.
Verdict: It’s an interesting idea, and it’s mostly well-delivered. Quibbles aside, I enjoyed reading it, and I’d recommend it for anyone looking for a short, silly comedy.
The Maze, by thesecret1
Tags: Dark, Adventure
Rating: Teen
Length: 16,060 words (Status: Incomplete – 4/4 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: In an attempt to get cutie marks for adventuring, the CMC delve into an old ruin, but they get trapped in a magical maze, where they're hunted by a mysterious monster.
Review: Full disclosure: I’ve helped edit all but the first chapter of this story.
The setup is pretty basic, and you might even consider it a little forced because it appears to rely on Twilight picking up the idiot ball, but the author assures me there's a purpose to it, although I haven't yet seen it.
The crusaders are well-characterized, and while I don’t really buy into certain feats of bravery, those don’t stretch their personalities far enough to hold it against the story. I had a few quibbles about the dialogue in the first chapter, but I did my best to sort them out in the others.
There are two main antagonists in the story, and one definitely works better than the other. The evil Rarity look-alike mare starts out strong, but while she remains threatening, she loses some of her menace as she falls into predictable patterns. She’s definitely a one-trick pony. *Rimshot*
The maze itself is the other antagonist, and its presentation is far stronger. The situation keeps shifting, and every time it seems like the CMC are figuring out how the maze works, it changes.
Verdict: Despite a few forays into predictability, this story’s tight pacing and strong atmosphere should appeal to fans of macabre adventures.
Tea Party With a Draconequus, by BreadAndButterfly
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 2,946 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis:
Review: Ordinarily, I wouldn’t touch this sort of story, but someone asked me to read it. And honestly, it’s exactly what you’d expect for what it is: a teenage girl’s first fanfic.
The setup—girly ponies having a tea party—will make most of us cringe and induce traumatic flashbacks in those unlucky enough to have been subjected to certain previous incarnations of the MLP franchise. Thankfully, Discord shows up to wreck that sucker.
Unfortunately, all of the characters involved are at least slightly OOC. The conflict is cheap, relying on Discord picking up the Idiot Ball without even doing anything chaotic to it. The resolution is functional but predictable and boring
It has a bunch of the common issues in amateur writing. Passive voice is rampant. While it doesn’t go into outright abuse, there are a few obnoxious saidisms. It opens on a flurry of LUS that made me want to close it immediately. Practically every emotion or scrap of inner turmoil is told in the narration, rather than being shown, and a lot of it is irrelevant.
her eyes stained red with hot, wet tears.
Thanks for that, story. Without you, I might never have known that tears are wet. Surely, this justifies your existence.
Quick edit: I focused on the "wet" part and failed to notice that they apparently also cause red stains.
Verdict: It’s a teenage girl’s first fanfic. Of course it sucks. Everyone’s first story sucks. It sucks less than most thanks to good editing and a cohesive story with a well-defined conflict, but it's still bland and boring. Harmless and inoffensive, but nothing worth seeing.
Tags: Random
Rating: Everyone
Length: 1,038 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Twilight goes into town with something embarrassing showing.
Review: I checked this out because PresentPerfect reviewed it, and it sounded like an interesting way to waste a couple of minutes. I was not disappointed.
While PP felt that the story didn’t run long enough, I figure it did exactly what it needed to and cut itself off before it could wear out its welcome. The humor in this comes from the punchline, not build-up. In fact, I think it actually pushes things a little too far and crams extra words in (probably to get past 1k) that weaken the ending a little.
As I read the story, I was trying to figure out what was going on, and while I didn’t even come close, it was better than anything I could have predicted.
The grammar is pretty solid. Nothing worth calling out.
Verdict: Fun stuff. Read it. Try to predict the ending. Come back here and admit it when you fail.
Tags: Sex, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen
Length: 3,989 words (Status: Complete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash struggles with the idea that she might be asexual.
Review: What?
Seriously. What?
…Oh well. Let’s get this over with.
After reading this story, about all I can think to say is that I don’t understand the point of it. I mean, I could see someone using asexuality to poke fun at the stories about pony homosexuality, but this is played totally straight. Not a trace of comedy in it.
Putting that aside, the “problem” is overblown, and Rainbow’s reaction to it seems OOC as hell. Then, to complete the tapestry of irrelevance, the rest of the main six are brushed to the wayside, and it’s left to a deus ex machina appearance by Luna in RD’s dream to help her come to terms with the revelation.
It’s riddled with punctuation errors, and while it’s readable, it annoys me to see all the missing commas, improper dialogue tags, and other goofs. Doubly so with so many proofreaders listed, a couple of big names among them.
Verdict: The usual generic platitudes about accepting yourself are delivered reasonably well, but there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other stories that deal with similar subject matter. This one does nothing special to be worth your time.
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read it, and I may not finish long ones.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
So you're telling me I can't suggest apple short's entire library?
Prak, why
I apologize for "recomending" something when I've already suggested one recently, but I fear this needs to be done. God forgive me for even mentioning this thing, but I would like to see you do Pinkie's Party Gift by Charliebbarkin(and I pray you hate me not for this). Basically? TEAR IT TO SHREDS!
2588374
How about you just suggest one at a time?
2588390
I'd appreciate a link.
Also, you can suggest one story per post. No need to feel bad about doing it since I'll probably never get around to most of the requests anyway. Of course, a particularly terrible-looking badfic might draw my attention.
2588418
That forces me to choose.
I can't choose just one apple short story. That's impossible.
2588418 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/167888/pinkies-party-gift
2588438
Hm. I've read that one before, and I recall hating it. Should be good for some comedy, though.
I failed. I really didn't see the ending coming at all. It is a good point, though!
I'd like to see that top-ten list of "Things That Should Not Exist" sometime.
I failed
had fun trying tho and as for suggestions I guess maybe
A Story And A Game
It's short I remember I kinda liked it
Did you know T-T-T-Tia! was, for a period of at least a couple hours, the highest-rated fanfic on this site?
And you leave my commas alone, they are mine and I love them. :(
2589047
I know. I watched it climb the ranks, waiting to see how long it took for it to be hit by some rotten bastard who downvotes other fics to advance his/her own in the ratings.
Re: Apple Family Last Stand - thanks for the fair-minded review, Prak!
"The order in which you approach the two stories doesn’t matter, but the one you read first will affect your perception of the other."
Good point, it'll be interesting to see if new readers see that as well.
"I just noticed that these titles have been getting longer every time, so if it ever gets up to five or six stories in the set, the titles will probably be as long as the stories themselves."
Hmm...now THERE is an idea! Better get to work, these titles won't write themselves ya know.
Oh wow, hey, this is a thing :V
I'm honestly not too proud of the writing style in Tia!, though I am proud of its attainment of the #1 story spot last year. I have improved upon my comedy (See Chris' review of The Adv. of Sweetie_Belle.jpg), I can give that much, and I look at this one as a stepping stone to where I am today. I admit to a few slip-ups, as I hadn't really dabbled in fiction too much at that point - it was written on DeviantArt before I joined/found Fimfic :V While it is a little raw to read, it's got a lot of sentimental value to me..
I also don't want to go back and change it :B Got me so far as-is. Thanks for the honest (if somewhat saddening) review; I'd like to hope it doesn't reflect on me as a whole :V I wrote that over a year ago..
Man, I really gotta stop finding these things so late >.>
2589047
I have the screenshot framed on my wall :D
It was almost 48 hours, to be exact :O
2738086
I don't see much to be sad about. Crackfics have their place, and as that sort of thing goes, it's reasonably good, that one jarring error notwithstanding.
And I see it still doesn't have any legitimate dislikes—just the one some douche put on it to get The Keepers of Discord back into the top spot.
2738113
Well, it's that sense of 'I've gotten so far with this' coupled with the truth of the matter that it's not as good as it could have been.
Passing regret, ah, there's the words. :V
It's sitting in the top 400, pretty steadily, so I'm not complaining :D I hope to entertain better in the future, though.