Five Nights At Keyboard's & the brutality of honesty. · 5:08pm Sep 5th, 2014
Okay, technically, the deadline gives me eight nights (or days), but I already know I'm going to lose three of them to scheduled events which I can't switch out of. We are going to ignore writer's block, distractions, crises, and everything else which might prevent work, at least for purposes of this post because all of them are now pretty much guaranteed to happen and I won't be able to ignore them when they show up -- but let's just get a laugh by saying none of them will happen. That gives me five working periods with which to update every continuing story by one chapter. All new work has to be posted before midnight in my time zone on September 12th, or.
'Or' sums it up.
So we all know this is pretty much impossible, right?
*shrug*
At any rate, we'll use this blog post to track things as the abyss of futility steadily yawns wider. The following stories must all be updated by that deadline, or. I'll edit progress (or lack thereof) in accordingly.
A Confederacy Of Dunce Caps: updated
A Horse Called Sunbutt: updated.
A Mark Of Appeal: updated.
Orange Is The New Blue
Stupid Direction-Face: updated.
Scootalift: updated.
Triptych: updated.
Let the bleeding out commence.
On a semi-related note, the Kindle store informs me that Five Nights At Freddy's is now available for download. $2.99 plus local tax. And after the mini-fad of fics hit the New Stories column, I did take a moment to check it out through YouTube. As I understand it, the goal is to labor long hours through the night for less than minimum wage, the resources you're given are completely inadequate to the task and if you make one single slip, something jumps at your face while screaming and then tries to eat you. But if you succeed, it turns out the paycheck was fake, your bosses fire you at the end of the week no matter what you do, and you've completely wasted your time.
So pretty much like writing fanfic, only with a few more demented animatronics.
(No, I didn't order it. Why play the game when you can live it?)
[/hr]
Okay. So... a few days ago, someone bought a book for me. They pretty much insisted on it. Actually, they gave me the money and insisted that I use it to buy the book. Nothing else but that book, and they would know because they could look at the Kindle's screen and see the appropriate icon.
This was a minor friend making the insistence. A work friend, really: we only see each other there and don't associate any other way. But oh, did that person talk up this book. Or the author, really. Nothing about the plot or the writing style or the dialogue or anything you'd figure to go into the book: just the author. Brilliant author, according to the testimony. Could be the Next Big Thing: who knows?! Certainly the talent is there...
Well, some people choose books, others create books, and a few have books forced upon them. For my part, I am currently recovering from a severe text violation.
After going through the first bits, the book is...
....'bad' just doesn't work here. I mean, it's in the general field, but we're not hitting the target. 'Abominable' gets us closer. 'Makes King Of Equestria into Great Literature' would be unfair, but not by much.
I promised to read it. All of it. Five weeks to do so. And I also promised to tell the pusher exactly what I thought of it. In honesty.
I've done some investigation. From what I've gathered from the other victims (and we are verging on a small, localized class-action suit potential), the author is a relative of the pusher. She's just trying to get her cousin some much-needed sales, and perhaps the ego boost to go with them. She honestly seems to love the book in question. Perhaps because she loves her cousin and can't see through that haze of adoration and pride in the accomplishment of getting an Ebook published through Amazon (which is, let's be fair, more than I've ever managed to do) to perceive what's really within. Or her reading taste could be on the poor side. Or it could be just me and everyone else she's subjected to this book...
'Or' has been an active word today.
Maybe it gets better. It could even get worse. I didn't find 'Travis Tea' anywhere in the credits, so there's that.
I promised to be honest. And -- I used to do little bits of criticism, here and there. I gave it up. Because I was honest. I said exactly what I thought. And I did so for people I knew, and... that doesn't always work out.
I gave my word that I would read this book and...
...it could get better.
I keep telling myself that.
What's the worst-case scenario here? 'At least it's only a work friend and maybe she'll quit?'
...
Well, at least I have an excuse to put it off for eight days.
No, I will not link to it. None of y'all have given me any reason to hate you that much.
Hey now, I hear Travis Touchdown (pen name Travis Tea) is a wonderful author in his spare time. 5 out of 5 people-at-swordpoint recommend Self Insert: The Meta Troll Romance Saga of The Century!
2429849
You haven't met Travis? S/he's quite the writers.
The pseudonym, the myth, the legend
The publication of purest magic
Every time I hear complaining about publishing and bad literature, I remember this. Publishers don't care about literature.
They care about money. Heck, the reading public doesn't care about good literature. That's why the Twilight Saga and Fifty Shades of Gray made tons of money.
Want to make money? Write to the lowest common denominator.
I looked at that trailer for "Five Nights At Freddy's", and all I can say is, "joy and wonder" wouldn't exactly have been my reaction to those disturbing-looking characters if I'd been taken to a place like that when I was a kid.
I can't help thinking the horror element would be a bit more effective if they'd spent some time coming up with designs that actually look cute and cuddly until they suddenly turn on you -- as it is, I'd pretty much expect one of those things to try to eat my face off. 
Atlanta Nights is a great book! I stayed upright reading it!
Please don't be serious about the updates, because that really will convince you to swear off writing forever. I want those stories to update as much as anyone, but this is a textbook recipe for bad chapters, disappointed readers, and one miserable author no longer seeing the point
2429944
Granted -- but on the other hoof, sometimes it's no bad thing to set yourself a goal and say "by God, I've put this off long enough; I will get _____ done this week(end), even if I have to barricade myself in my office (bedroom, garage, etc.) with a sleeping bag, a teakettle, a dozen tuna-salad kits, and a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the leopard!' to do it." I know sometimes that's the only way I manage to get anything done, anyway.
2429861
Ok, that thing sounds absolutely fantastic.
On the other hand, similar things have been tried with actual scientific journals, with...depressing results.
Out of curiosity, what's the plot (if there is one) of the scribbling foisted on you?
Also, I wonder what it says about the world that with about the same amount of effort, it's possibly to find very well written fanfic or paid fiction mediocritely written.
Yea, more Sunbutt. I can't help it, that story resonates well with me.
Estee, there are only three people that can tell you what to write. Teachers, in the name of educating you. Employers, as part of your job. Or publishers, who get to pay you for the privilege. This is a hobby, it's supposed to be fun. You don't owe us anything. Write what you please.
Not long after I bought my ebook reader, a particular story came up on my 'recommended reading' list. Science fiction novel, interesting premise, cheap...
I didn't make it past the third chapter. It read like a poor quality, self-insert, fan fic.
I'll admit that 'self-published' can occasionally hide a true gem. Most, however, should induce you to run screaming in the opposite direction...
Yikes. Good luck with that, both parts really.
Has it been over a year since Tryptich itself updated?
Don't look at it as possibly hating; some of us hold you in high enough regard that we're willing to endure the story so you won't suffer alone. That's how the song goes, isn't it? "To stand divided we will surely fall."
I would have gone with "textual assault."
Kill both the author and the pusher and hide the bodies in the woods, it's the only way to prevent future tragedies.
What 2429944 said. If you're setting yourself an impossible task (and from here it looks that way), I really hope there's some clause to that "or" which recognizes the work put in, rather than "meet 100% of commitments or trigger the nuke". If the real world worked on a 100%-or-nothing scale, we'd all have been dead long before our first ancestors contemplated reproducing.
Relatedly, if the book is truly that awful and you aren't looking forward to honesty, "something came up at home and I'm not going to have the time to finish it" doesn't seem like that bad of a white lie. After all, something is coming up requiring an extended amount of attention, and life's too short to slog through the poorly written stories of friends-of-acquaintances just because you know them, not when you could be reading stories you enjoy.
2430582
Nope. That will either happen eight days from now or....rather later.
As far as this project goes...well, an update on any of those fics would make me very happy. An update on all of them might force me off my antidepressants for a while. No, not really. I'm not stupid enough to replace medication with fanfics, even if they do make me unreasonably happy.
So...there are 7 stories on that list. You have 5 working periods. I want to say ahead of time that you are setting a ridiculous deadline for yourself, and, inasmuch as I have any power to hold you to anything (which amounts to making sad or angry faces at you over the internet), I have no intention to hold you to it. Your usual chapters are multiple thousands of words (which is great). Stephen King writes about 2.5k words/day, but that's his job. And, as far as professional authors go, he is unusually prolific. Isaac Asimov was also really damn prolific, and he averaged 1.7k words/day. And again, that was his job. The shortest chapter in any of your multi-chapter stories is 2.3 k words (most fall from 5k to the low teens). Stephen King would take (at his usual pace) six and a half days to write seven such chapters. Isaac Asimov would take nine and a half. For chapters on the low end of your usual, King would take two weeks and Asimov would take three.
You have five working periods to write an update on each of those fics, or you have failed to out-write Stephen King. You have eight days to write on update on each of those fics, or you have failed to out-write Isaac Asimov. There is no shame in that.
To put it more positively, if you write one update, on the low end of usual, you will have been writing significantly faster than Tolkien.
Not sure if want.
On one hand, updates. Updates are always good.
On the other hand, while I would love to be around for the first triptych update since I discovered this fic, no update is worth burning yourself out. Just remember, while keeping your promises are important, your health is more important than our greedy gapping eyes. We've waited this long; however long you need to make quality work safely is fine with me.
2431099 When he was alive, or now?
Seens like you're pretty much set on this goal, so really all I can do is cheer you on. I hope you're doing it as a challenge to yourself and not to please the readers, though i guess it could be a mixture of both.
For me all i can say is, if even just one those fics gets an update i would be happy enough, and Scootalift already got updated as of this post, so I already consider this effort a success.
I won't say you should lower your expectations on what you can do, nobody knows what you're capable of better than yourself, but it is a rather lofty goal so don't be hard on yourself if it looks like it's becoming unreachable. Good luck!
Man. All these comments here, yet everyone has forgotten what is really important here...
Starting a betting pool!
Five bits says Estee won't make it through two thirds of it before she swears off writing forever and condemns us all to hell :V
I see you already hit Scootalift. If you're taking votes, I would also like to toss in my two bits for 'Confederacy and Triptych.
I mean, come on, Triptych. It's, like, your seminal work.
If I'm remembering the TV Tropes page on it correctly, you get fired if you "tamper with" the robots, i.e. make them safe. You know, those things that ruthlessly, aggressively, compress people into deadly suits because they mistake people for endoskeletons. And have done so with children before. That should earn the boss a clobbering. Preferably one that he doesn't wake up from until nightfall... and the robots' settings have been mysteriously reverted by a disgruntled ex-employee. If you merely get through without tampering, you (or at least the character) get to work for them for another week...