When Rainbow Dash has a dream of her death she starts to worry of the days ahead. But she forgets all about her life as she starts getting love signals from her friend Pinkie. Will Rainbow Dash fall in love? Will Pinkie confess? Read the amazing story of The Pink Heart.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Alright, it's a slow morning and I have time to give you a quick comment- I'll bite.
First, fix your formatting. All of it. Every time a speaker changes in dialogue, start a new paragraph with a full space between each paragraph. For example, instead of:
"Hey! Twilight! Whatcha doin', huh huh huh?" Pinkie asked. "Nothing" Twilight said. "Yippee!"
Write it out as:
"Hey! Twilight! Watcha doin', huh huh huh?" Pinkie asked.
"Nothing," Twilight groaned.
"Yippee!"
This will keep your story from degenerating into giant blobs of text which are difficult to read and organize. I actually barely skimmed through the story before I wrote this comment simply because reconstructing the flow of the writing was much more of a chore than it should have been.
As for the story itself, your tragic/grimdark needs work. First, I want to point out that no matter how much magic you have going on in Equestria (apparently not enough to cast a 'cure serious wounds' spell), hearts do not work this way. If you are three or four hours away from your heart giving out, you are barely conscious and having an extremely difficult time doing anything because your chest is probably in serious pain. Rainbow, by contrast, seems to be quite vocal for someone whose dialogue should be delivered somewhere between hysterical sobbing and gasps of pain. Pinkie's suicide is also bizarre. I won't go so far as to say killing herself would be totally out of character for Pinkie, but Pinkie is a party pony and extremely extroverted- she has friends pretty much everywhere in Ponyville. If she was depressed, she'd be more likely to snap, go out on the town, get stonking drunk at the first opportunity, and wind up dead with liver poisoning- she's not a brooder. Even for the death of a loved one, I really don't see her taking the standard way out, particularly sober.
Finally, I get that you're trying to write a dark story, but as someone who has actually wrestled with this kind of thing before I'm not sure I'm particularly happy about taking a grief suicide and painting it as a happy ending where the two lovers meet in heaven. I'm not saying you should have done the opposite, but the suicide would have been far more poignant if you had ended things with Pinkie's death, maybe just shown the reactions of her remaining friends to it, and left it ambiguous as to whether the two reunited. As is the story presents suicide as a perfectly lovely and valid choice when you can't 'go on' without someone that doesn't hurt everyone around you, leave any survivors bereft, and continue a vicious cycle of grief. What Pinkie did was actually extremely selfish given she was probably not the only one grieving for Rainbow Dash.
2445471 - This guy - Listen to him. No, that's it. I could add to it but I won't because I would just be repeating what was already said.
I liked it but I found it kind of odd that PinkiePie and RainbowDash would have a romantic connection. Whenever there is a story with Pinkie dying, I find it hard to deal with because she is so happy and innocent. Also Twilight wouldn't just leave if her friend had taken up cutting herself.
Innever thought about pinkie andrainbow dash but I guess it works
It sounds good, but you really need to fix the format of this. It's quite hard to read.
I really have to admit that I skimmed more than I read, it's formatted badly. Also, don't make chapters within other chapters. When you want a new chapter, don't just go down the same page and write "chapter 2". Make a new chapter.
Sorry to say, but I didn't like it.