27 - Science and Family
‘I hate to say it, but Coins isn’t that bad, once you get past the,’ and I chuckled out loud at my own wit, ‘hate.’ I was now walking quickly, with a sense of purpose. ‘And once I talk to Twilight, we can plan next week's trip to Canterlot.’ I felt positively jovial. I did have a stray thought, that surprised me in its pessimism, ‘If I’m here for sixty years, I’ll likely outlive Dash.’ I grunted out loud. ‘I’ll start a fire under that bridge later.’
I arrived at the always impressive and slightly confusing Ponyville Library. I knocked and the door opened a moment later by Twilight herself, she spoke without looking up from her book.
“Thank you for coming to the Ponyville library, how can I, oh,” Twilight gave me a big toothy grin, “Hello Alex. How is my favourite human?”
“Fantastic! I was actually wondering if I could pencil you in for a trip for two, or three if Dash is coming, to Canterlot. I want to hire Trixie, and I kind of need your help. I’ll pay for everything of course. And separate rooms for you and me or else Dash will kill me in slow and interesting ways.”
“That’s right, you and Rainbow Dash are special friends. I suppose congratulations are in order. I have to say you’re a step up from the usual SFs she's had in the past.” I was tempted to ask but decided to keep my mouth shut.
"I know Dash has a more chequered romantic past than my own, but I don't care. I just hope I can make her happy."
Twilight closed the door and started leading me inside. “Alex, I owe you a big thank you for the use of the laptop. I did have one question, though.”
“Sure thing, Twilight. Anything at all.” I started looking around and noticed the windows on the ground floor were having their curtains drawn, the slight purple glow that was Twilight's signature was noticeable.
Her expression was serious and professional, “Could I have a small blood and tissue sample?”
I rolled my eyes, “Ugh, I hate needles,” I stuck my tongue out, then smiled, “But for you, sure.” I sighed and asked, “What do you need them for?”
Her demeanour became perky, “I need to compare them to the samples from six months ago to see how your system is adapting to the Equestrian diet, among other things.”
I stared into space for a moment, shook my head, and just had to ask, “I don’t remember giving you any samples. Where did you get them.”
Twilight smiled bashfully, “When you came into the hospital after saving Tree Trimmer, you had some extra just lying around, so I thought you wouldn’t mind if I took some. You’re not upset, are you?”
While I was put off by the violation, I figured there was a different standard for this kind of stuff here. “A little,” noticing her expression, I quickly added, “but no harm done, I guess. So, what do you need?”
“Not much, just hair, blood, urine, stool, and skin scrapings from your foot.”
‘Twilight sure is thorough’, “So, when did you want it?”
From out of nowhere, there was movement and a small cloud of medical devices, including a syringe, a pair of scissors, a urine and stool collection kit, and what looked like a tiny grater and bowl floated near Twilight. “I can just get it right now. For science!”
“You want what now?” by Dan Houser (dan.r.houser@gmail.com for commissions)
Before I could protest, my clothes were teleported off my body. I gasped in surprise and instinctively covered my shame. In a single coordinated motion, the gleaming instruments swooped in. A small tuft of hair was unceremoniously snipped off the back of my head. The needle, designed for ponies, jabbed my arm and forcibly withdrew a few drops of precious bodily fluid. I was jerked into the air by my ankle, where the callous on my heel was sanded at a blinding speed, and the resulting cloud of skin dust was deftly caught in the bowl.
I had time to think, 'Oh hell, what is that stool and urine kit doing?', and then I just had time to yell out as I realized what was being done. There was a blinding flash. My clothes were back on. Backwards. A bandage popped into existence and slapped itself onto the small bleeding entry wound the needle had left. Finally, a lollipop jammed itself into my mouth. Lemon-flavoured. This entire ordeal took about ten seconds. Part of me knew Dash would appreciate that.
I stood slack-jawed for a moment, then simply said, “Ouch.” It took me a few moments to finally be able to speak, “Twilight, what the heck was that? You, you, you violated me. What's wrong with you?”
She looked at me, not understanding, “But, Alex. I was trying to be efficient. I thought if I did it all simultaneously it would be less of an inconvenience for you.”
Ignoring her, I grasped my arm, “Ouch. How big was the needle? Did you just hollow out a pencil? That hurts.”
“No, should I do that next time?”
I threw my hands up in defence, “No. No no no no no no no. Next time, assuming I have a brain aneurism and there is a next time, next time we use little thin needles and do things gently.”
Twilight looked hurt, her hoof tracing little circles on the floor, “I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't realize you were so delicate.”
“Yes, well, I am. Look, I'm not mad, as such, I just felt,” I scratched around for the best turn of phrase, “I felt uncomfortable, especially for the urine and stool samples.”
Twilight was still examining the floor, “I'm really sorry about that.” She looked up, “I see I teleported your clothes on backwards. Here, let me fix th-”
“No!” Then I caught myself, remembering who I was speaking to. “No. I'll just use your bathroom, not that I'll actually need to use that for a few days, and get changed.”
Once my clothes were in order and the shock of being violated by Twilight's medical equipment wore off, I returned to the main room. Twilight had a look that said she felt horrible about what had happened. She was about to speak, but I raised my hand and interrupted her, “I'm going to call this a cultural misunderstanding. Let us never speak of this again. All is good between us. Just, next time, please let me help.”
She hesitated for a moment, then smiled nervously. She finally simply said, “Thanks.”
“So, can I borrow you for a couple of days in Canterlot? I'll only actually need you for a few hours, but I would appreciate you there for moral support.”
“Absolutely. Anyway, I think I owe you one.” Twilight grinned, “I can introduce you to my brother, Shining Armour and his wife, Cadence. He’ll be happy to finally meet you.”
“Finally, meet me? Oh, that’s right. You must have told him about me?” I grinned, “Your strange friend from another world.”
Twilight’s eyes flicked away from mine for a moment before answering, her grin a little too wide, “Y-Yes. That’s exactly correct.” Her response seemed forced, but I figured she just felt terrible about the whole incident that had just occurred.
I spent most of the afternoon making appointments for next week, nursing a stabbed arm, shopping for supper, and being slightly puzzled about Twilight.
I was sitting at the desk in the living room. It was originally in the bedroom, but I had moved it downstairs. I wanted to leave the bedroom, as one of my old human friends would put it, for sleeping and screwing. ‘Ye gods, will this paperwork never end?’
Lost in my work, I was shaken back to reality by a knock on the back door and an enthusiastic “Hey Alex! I’m here!”
I looked up from the paperwork with a smile and called out, “Come on in, Scootaloo. I was just about to start cooking, and I was hoping you could help.”
That little bundle of orange energy dropped her bag at the door and started washing her hooves, “So what are we going to cook? Oat burger and hay fries? Daisy veggie stirfry? Oh, how about that eggplant thing you made last time?”
“Nope, I was thinking ‘Pizza a la Roberto’. What do you think of that?”
“Awesome! So, let's get started.”
“Okay, I see you’ve already washed your han- hooves. Nice. So, We’re going to make two pizzas, a large one for you and Dash, and a little one for me.” Scootaloo looked at me questioningly, “I don’t want to behave like I ate baked bads, so I’ll be making my crust a little differently.”
She nodded sagely and clapped her hooves together, “So, where do we start?”
“Okie dokie. First, we make the crust, then let it rise while we chop the toppings.” I quickly wash my hands, “Alright pumpkin, you ready to rock?”
Scootaloo looked at me with a little smirk, “Pumpkin?”
“Err, yes. Yes, you’re my pumpkin. It’s a term of endearment, like kiddo, or short stack. Why, what does it mean here?”
She looked up at me with a broad smile, “Same thing.”
“Cool.” I took a deep breath. “Okay, we have pizzas to make. One for you and Dash, one for me.”
“Can I make yours?”
“I would be the happiest human in Equestria if you did.” With the assistance of Scootaloo, we made a batch of pizza dough, cut a portion off for me and crumbled a hay puck into the rest. “There. Hay is good for you, and I want to keep my two favourite girls healthy.” Scootaloo giggled at that.
While the dough was rising, we chopped up various vegetables and grated lots of cheese. It was then that I unleashed my little girl to make the pizzas. ‘Where did that come from? She’s not your daughter, Alex. Don’t forget that. She’s just a nice kid your girlfriend does stuff with, like a big sister or scout leader. Nothing else. Right?’
She made mine with extra cheese, just the way I like it. ‘Damn shame there’s no pepperoni.’ I think she saw my expression because she instantly asked, “What’s wrong, Alex? Didn’t I do a good job on your pizza?”
I laughed, “No, no, nothing like that. I was just thinking about a pizza topping you can’t get in Equestria called pepperoni.”
She looked relieved, “Oh. But the pizza looks good?”
“Good enough to eat uncooked, my dear Miss Pizza Chef.”
I made her half with light cheese and extra green peppers, just the way she likes it. For Dash, lots of everything, just the way she likes it. I had two flat stoneware baking sheets and a nice big preheated oven. ‘Thank you, Applejack, for the stove, and thank you, Pinkie, for the stoneware.’ The actual baking would be a little lower and slower than I usually do, so we had time to clean up and set the table.
“And now, my dear Scootaloo, it is time,” she gave me a slightly worried look, “while the pies are cooking, let’s tidy the kitchen and set the table. Dash should be here by the time we’re done.”
Just as I predicted, I was taking the pizzas out of the oven, “Hey there, Alex. What smells so good? Wh- Oh, hi, squirt. I didn’t know you would be here.” Dash shot me a questioning look.
“Yeah, I thought we could have dinner together. You’ll be showing her some flight moves at seven-ish, right? I thought I would save her the time to run back to town and then back here. Anyway, she was an excellent sous-chef and table setter. I spent most of the time relaxing and drinking tea.” I winked at Scootaloo, and this made her giggle.
“Um, yeah, sure.” She was smiling, but her eyes showed she was a little disappointed. I gave her a little smile and shrugged, but her eyes were still a little sad.
‘Damn. Okay, Dash is uncomfortable. I hope it’s just the surprise being sprung on her.’ I straightened up and said, with a grand gesture, “Excellent. We have prepared a feast fit for two princesses and some very lucky human guy.” I served them each a couple of slices of their pizza with as much flair and showmanship as I could muster.
Dash gave her usual overconfident grin, “Well, I guess if it’s only for a princess, it will have to do, eh Scoots?”
“You bet Rainbow Dash.” Like most pre-teens, she dug into her pizza like she had not eaten in a week. She was eating so fast that I’m not totally convinced she actually tasted it. As silly as it sounds, seeing her wolfing down the pizza made me smile.
Dash, as is her nature, boldly took a big bite, chewed, and smiled. “I guess I can keep you two around. You make great pizza.”
I took a bite of the pizza, and despite the lack of pepperoni, it was excellent. “Miss Scootaloo, this is fantastic. I now hereby promote you to head pizza chef.” I chuckled a little when she looked at her flank, hoping for a pizza-making cutie mark.
We all sat, quietly chewing, savouring our dinner. Scootaloo looked at me with narrowed eyes and tilted head, “Alex, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
I wiped my mouth and focused on her, “Sure, fire away, Scootaloo.”
She looked away for a moment, took a deep breath, and asked, “Why do you invite me over for supper all the time?”
I faltered, not expecting such a probing question. All I could do for a few heartbeats was look at her, mouth slightly open. I finally shook my head slowly and smiled, “I could give you some answer that sounds good and sounds reasonable but just isn’t true.” She looked at me, a little confused, “Instead, here’s the truth, for better or worse. I would rather tell you the truth and,” I averted my eyes, “look like an idiot in front of both of you than lie.” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, “It was for a very selfish reason,” Scootaloo rolled her eyes at this and got a peeved expression.
“You see, Scootaloo, I miss my son and daughter very much, and at first, you reminded me of them. But, as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve seen you’re not like them at all. You’re your own wonderful person. I love hearing about your Crusader adventures and misadventures. You’re strong and clever and brave, and if I had another daughter, I would want her to be just like you. As for why dinner? Well, in my culture, you share food with friends and family. Especially family. And I can’t think of any two people I would rather share a meal with. I’m sorry to both of you for being so selfish and dragging you in the middle of something you may not want to be part of.”
I felt Dash’s hoof on my arm. Turning my head she was smiling at me, a loving smile, a fierce smile, and for the first time a truly confident smile beaming from her core. She finally said, “You’re something else, Alex Roberts.”
I looked back to Scootaloo and saw she had a soft smile, “Thanks for telling me the truth, Alex. That means a lot to me.” A mischievous smile grew, “That also explains you calling me ‘pumpkin’.”
I chuckled, “Yeah, you caught me in my big secret. But I stand by it. I’ll always think of you as my little pumpkin.”
Scootaloo grew thoughtful, “I think I can live with that.”
I had shooed them out after dinner so I could clean up. Once I was done, I spent some time watching them. I smiled at Dash’s encouragement and firm but kind guidance. “You’re doing great, squirt. Those exercises are really paying off.”
Dash and Scootaloo had been at it for almost two hours, finally stopping when it was too dark to continue safely. The night was cool and still. Dash and I made sure Scoots made it safely back to the orphanage. Miss Sweetheart was sitting on the porch, waiting to meet us all at the door, “Alright, Scootaloo, go in and get ready for bed.” Once Scootaloo had left, she turned to us, “You know she’s always talking about you two. If you’re interested in adoption, I can help make the arrangements.”
Dash spoke up first, “You see, the thing is, I, that is, we, aren't married. To each other, I mean. I mean, we started dating, but-”
“I think Dash is trying to say that while we’ve been very good friends for a while, we only just started dating. And Scoots is a great kid.” I look at Dash, a grin plastered on my face, “And I couldn’t think of a better daughter. But right now, we’re not in a position to do that. But as soon as it changes, we’ll be in your office to start the paperwork.” I turned to Dash with a smile and cocked an eyebrow.
Dash had a look of pleasant surprise, then that truly confident smile she had earlier returned, “Yeah, that would be a good plan.”
At that moment, Scootaloo came back out. “Thanks for supper, Alex and thanks for the lessons, Rainbow Dash. I really had a good time today.” We bid her goodnight in a flurry of hugs and headed for home.
We took the long way just so we could spend some more time together. I think Dash wanted to show me off a little. It was early evening, so there were a few passers-by. Dash nuzzled against me while we walked, “You didn’t say much about Coins. Now that the squirt is out of the way, you can talk. As your marefriend, I order you to tell me all about it.”
I chuckled, “Pulling rank on me, eh? Fair enough. I can honestly say it was not as bad as I had expected. I think I get what Luna wanted me to learn. Humility isn’t always admitting you’re wrong and thinking everyone else is better than you. It’s knowing that you’re not always right and others are worth as much as you. Except in your case, you’re far better than I deserve.”
Dash laughed, hit my thigh, and then said softly, “I’m exactly what you deserve, you big lug.” She jumped a few steps ahead, hovered in front of me, and looked into my eyes. Her expression was desperate, almost hungry. She lifted her hoof and put it on my cheek, a small smile crossed her face, “I’m so happy you chose me.”
“You say that like there was ever any other choice. Applejack was never really an option once I got my head straight.”
She gave me a throaty laugh, “And that little speech when we dropped Scoots off. Was that a marriage proposal?”
I gave her a sly smile, “Sort of. It was my warning that I will ask you to be my wife. It’s a little fast, I know, but I know an angel when I date one. When I pop the question, it will catch you totally by surprise. You’ll never see it coming.”
Dash started laughing so hard that she dropped to the ground so she could lie on her back. She finally managed, “Well, it’s not much of a surprise if you tell me in advance.”
“Maybe, maybe not, but now you’ll always wonder if today’s the day.”
She stopped in mid-laugh with a tilted grin, “Oh, you are good.” She stood and hovered again, putting her nose against mine, “You are very good. And such a bad colt.” She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. We were oblivious to the world around us.
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I got to agree with Dash, someone is a smooth devil. Also YAY Scoots! I have to say usually people play Scootaloo off like a young Dash that's pretty much a stupid overconfident brat with next to no depth. Yours has her feeling like a real person, which is why your Scootaloo is my favourite.
Also yay first
second! NEW CHAPTER!
nice chapter btw.. and the way u hide the question is awesome..
Twilight the medical sample taking pony is best pony.
twilight violated alex....princess molestia will be pleased
I sense a storms a brewin' and even if I am misguided in thinking, somethings going down. Soon, I can taste it
What exactly has Twilight learned from playing around with the laptop?
557434
I agree. A lot of writers present their characters in an overly simplistic way, especially Dash and Scoots. Maybe I read too much into the show, but they are both caliber ponies (eg the leader of a weather team and the organizer of the RD fan club must have some skills). Anyway I try to give them life outside of the obvious.
D'awwwwwwwwww, this fic is full of d'awwwwwwwww.
Favorite chapter.
Especially after that Q&A session that you posted.
Though this does leave the question: has Alex spoken to Ann in all the time, I'd bet Twilight has if she's been messing around on his computer.
I could never think of a good word to describe Alex and Scootaloo's relationship before without using father-daughter. Scout Master was a great way to describe it, until now of course.
Excellent chapter which continues to be the #1 story for me out of the 20+ I am following. Great writing indeed
YES NEW CHAPTER!
, I hope you update soon.
and that picture of Twilight with medical supplies was hilarious,
557820
It was established a few weeks ago, for Alex, that it would take four months his time for Ann to get back from running errends.
Still, Twilight has been monitoring things while she was using it.
We assume...
.557846
Having been a Scout Leader (Beaver Leader to be specific, kids aged 5 to 7) I can say you can feel close to the kids, especially the ones in bad situations. You want to run in and save them, but you can't. You can call Childerens Aid on their behalf, but I was lucky and never stumbled into that situation. So, I understand where Alex is coming from. A little regret and wish fulfillment? Not really. Okay, maybe a little.
557912
That feel...
I avoid situations like that because I feel too empathetic. I see the futility, but while i'm still young it would be an incredible experience to be in such a situation like Alex and Dash, minus the ponies. Me, gf/wife, and a loving orphan...
Don't ever tell anyone I said this; I can't be admitting these things when i'm known as a cynic
nice
557882
of course, now I remember reading that.
Rephrasing my question: What will Ann think of his and Rainbow's relationship?
558483
(Leans back with $50 cuban cigar. Unsure what to do with it, throws it away.)
Well, I suppose you'll just have to wait and see.
558523
*Dives after the cigar*
You heathen.
Yep. Always nice to come home from a long day at school and read a good story.
558534
That's not how you spell 'philistine'.
559444
*clips, lights the cigar and blows a smoke ring*
I have a cigar, your point is invalid.
Very cute.
Alex puts greased lightning to shame.
Oblivious to the world around them, eh? Somethin's gonna happen!
DAW
someting going to happen
that is all
-Muxix311
560334
Allow me to save you from madness.
Chapter 1 is a serious rewrite. The original had him a full on brony, who after 60 years of bouncing around various fictional realities (he got the laptop from Reed Richards) landed in Equestria. I've been working on rewriting the earlier chapters because I feel my skill has grown and I wanted to tell a better story. Basically the first ten or so chapters will have serious rewrites, and the rest will have fewer nips and tucks to make them fit.
The 60 year thing goes something like this. For every week here in real world, where Alex is from, a variable amount of time passes in the world he is in, any where from two days to about five years. So, abut 8 months have gone by in the real world and 60 years in the various realities. Clear as mud.
Feel free to PM and ask questions. Just tell me at what chapter you're at so I don't spoil anything.
578386
Darn it, now I have that image too.
*sniffles* So beautiful...
586241
Thanks! If I have to cry occasionally while writing it, you have to while reading it.
When are you posting the next chapter, because if you don't, I'll cry
624108
Soon! I promise. It's a big chapter with lots of fun and plot... wait.
Sadly, being a real life dad kind of cuts into your free time. And by free time, I mean time when the kids are not making demands (the girl is the entire CMC rolled into one and the boy is Snips or Snails, depending on the day) and my own beloved Dash (mine is more of an Applejack / Twilight) does not have tasks already for me to do. Basically, when I can hide in the bathroom.
Still wouldn't trade them for the world, not even Equestria. Just don't ask me on a day they're all driving me crazy.
Oh, sorry, didn't know. Awesome story btw.
627724
Never be afraid of asking questions. Only way to learn and know new things. I'm almost always willing to answer.
I really really enjoy this story, it is just written so well and so engrossing! I also like how you made Scootaloo and Rainbow deeper characters (they're my favs lol) and you made the whole Father-Daughter thing. I also like how you didn't just make it " I'm RD and I think Scootaloo's annoying!" you made their relationship seem like RD understood and was looking out for Scoots. I am new here and relatively new to the community; this brony can only hope his first fic in the works will be even one iota as good as this masterpiece.
WHAT?!DELICATE?!
Fuck you!
das what i would have said
1386635 Talk about adding insult to injury...
Awwwww man, so much hugs and feelz.
Love it!
1386635
I would have said.
D:
YOU STUCK A NEEDLE UP MAH POOP CHUTE! Dx
*decked*
Dan Hauser pic link is broken! Need that imagery to properly solidify the "Da fuq?" look on his face in my mind.