So yeah, I'm the element of Loyalty. More like the element of Awesome! Fastest flier in Equestria, inventor of the Sonic Rainboom, and soon to be the fifth member of the Wonderbolts! I mean really, is there anything I can't do?
Well, enough about me for now. What you wanna hear about is Twilight, right?
When Luna told me what had happened up in Canterlot, I was freaked out. I mean, I'd seen some pretty nasty things, like Discord, Sombra, and Chrysalis, but they'd never killed anypony. Driven them insane, impersonated them, yes...but nopony ever died. It was a lot to take in for me.
And so, we all went to Canterlot. I'll skip the details about the ride there.
When we finally reached the city, Luna didn't waste any time. She took us right to the throne room. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That was where I saw her. She sat upon what was once Celestia's throne, with the aforementioned princess' corpse resting at her hooves. Celestia had been badly mangled, but was in much better shape than her niece. Cadence had been absolutely torn to shreds. Her pink coat was splotched with rust red fragments of dried blood. In some places her flesh was bruised, in others it seemed to have been torn with surgical precision, as if somepony had slit her open with a scalpel. Most prominent however, was the fact that she had been beheaded.
Even though I now stared at the corpses with my own two eyes, I simply couldn't believe it. It all felt like some sort of twisted dream, a waking nightmare that not even the darkest corners of my fancy could conjure. Twilight had been my friend once. Once a friend, always a friend.
That's what loyalty is all about, isn't it?
"Twilight Sparkle, you have committed crimes against Equestria, against the Royal Court, and against Harmony itself. You have made yourself an enemy of Equestria, and thus an enemy of Harmony. Prepare to face justice."
When Luna spoke those words, I wanted to cry out. I wanted to find another way. The Elements of Harmony weren't a cure for her delusion. They were euthanasia. This was all wrong. I wasn't a murderer... None of us were. There had to be another way.
"Twilight, please! Listen to me! We're friends! Remember?"
She didn't respond. She didn't even look at me.
"Please! I'm begging you! You've got to stop this!"
No reaction. I could feel the elements tugging at me. A choking blue aura began to form around me as Loyalty took me over. It was too late now.
"You were my friend once Twilight. You still are. I know you're in there Twilight! You've just got to-"
Loyalty dragged me into the air now, where I hovered with the other five elements. I didn't have a choice anymore.
Then I heard it.
I heard Twilight's unmistakable voice flutter into my head. Once inside, her words pounded upon my brain like a hammer on an anvil.
"You're trying to kill me. You're no friend of mine, traitor."
Those eleven words broke me. My loyalty was to her, but at the same time, it was to the other five. That's the hardest part about being the Element of Loyalty. Sometimes you're loyal to both sides. I wasn't a traitor!
If anypony was a traitor it was her. It was she who had killed Celestia and Cadence in cold blood. It was she who had attempted to usurp Equestria from its rightful rulers. It was she who had betrayed our friendship. Not me.
The Elements of Harmony flared up in all their rainbow colored glory, then descended on the alicorn. No longer did I wish there were another way. What would happen, would happen. I would feel no remorse for the result.
"Enough!"
What happened was that the elements failed. Without Magic to bind them, the other elements were useless. Our power was inverted, and shot back at us with incredible force. I was thrown back by the blast, turning over and over through the air as I sailed. I came to a stop against the back wall of the throne room.
My entire frame was racked by the shock. My bones rattled, and some of them probably shattered. I should have been in pain. I wasn't.
I hit the floor with an undignified thud, but I rose again. I stared at the goddess from across the room. She didn't even look at me. I had a choice to make. I could turn tail and flee the scene, and escape with my life. Or, I could stand my ground and fight. I knew I wouldn't survive the battle. It was the basic dilemma of all life. Flight or fight?
I chose to fight.
With the last bit of energy in my body, I hurled myself forward in flight. All the anger, all the sorrow, all the betrayal was channeled into this one final act.
I felt the air around me compressing and compacting. There was an earsplitting crack as I accelerated towards my target. I had done it. The entire spectrum of visible color now trailed behind me.
A sonic rainboom. My final act.
I hurtled towards the goddess. Faster and faster I flew, closing the gap between us in mere seconds. I prepared to begin the battle that would be my end.
Before I could, however, I was struck across the face with the back of the goddess' hoof. I spun, then again collided against the wall. I felt my wings buckle and snap. I slumped to the ground, burbling out blood.
My last act of defiance had been in vain.
I should have been in pain.
I wasn't.
Wow, Rainbow went out in style
I love how all of these chapters are precisely 1K words long.
I take it the last chapter will be from Twilight's perspective?
2576562
Eeyup
I bet Rarity's contains something about blood-red looking distastefully on her coat...
You'd think I would hate reading about the last moments of the ponies I cherish in a cartoon. But damn, its a great depressing read. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Rough.
This drew my eye if for nothing else than the perfect 1k words every chapter. o.O
2576939
Its more of a gimmick than anything. I'm having fun with it though.
2576965
Still shows that you put effort into tweaking it, even if only for the fun of it. :P
we need more alicorn Twilight going beserk stories
2577200
As long as it isn't written like, "Twilit Spurkel was an alicron and wuz evil and kiled her fiends. WARNING DIS STORY HAS SUM BLUD AND CUSSES" Then I'm all for it.
2577422 as long as its written well or has a nice string of events to pull in the reader then sure
"Yo Rainbow Dash... Y'all right?"
I feel like I went to the supermarket and bought some frozen bite-sized Alicrazy Twilights with juicy red filling!
Interesting.
2578659
My God... its the real Princess Celestia. Thank you for this comment. Thank you.
You've put this in stories that want feedback, but you also have an authors note acknowledging that is sucks and saying you don't care. Do you actually want a review? Or are you just after praise?
2579711
A review that actually finds my typos and such would be nice. I've proofread each chapter a few times, so they should be few and far between. However, I would like to clean it up as much as possible.
Plus, criticism is both welcome and encouraged by me. I'd like to know if this is actually well written, and if not I'd like to be told so honestly.
Well, I never notice typo's unless they're really bad, so here's what I think of the plot.
I should start by saying that these kind of stories are exempt from some of the more nitpicky rules of writing like character arc progression and certain plot holes. The type of stories I am referring to is the exploitation story, of which this story is indeed clearly in the category.
The story is pretty much exactly what it sounds like in the description. It's brief and brutal. There are no major surprises or deviations from the expected. There are no meaningful insights into characters personalities. It's just a story about loss, regret and violence. It is valid to write a story in this way, as long as you succeed in being entertaining. Does this story do its job?
Well... It sort of does.
The story takes characters you are familiar with, and plunges them into a horrible situation to create drama. It has some major problems though. The first notable problem is that the reasons for things happening are never explained, which can be very frustrating for the reader. What kind of magic does Twilight want to ban? Why does she want to ban it? Why does Celestia want to stop her? Actions are described, but not reasons, which makes it impossible to know why we should agree with a character.
The second problem is that the author has chosen multiple first person perspective to tell the story. This is a very difficult thing to pull off, and the story does not really do so. If you ignore the fact that Luna talks with the royal We, it is very hard to spot the personality differences between the first three chapters. The characters not being distinct enough makes it feel like we are reading the same thing over again. Even after it gets into the more distinct mane six, the repetition problem persists.
There is no real storyline to follow, and the descriptions in the story are cut so short that they do not do enough to make the action of the story exciting. If you read the description, and you knew this was the story you wanted to read, you will probably not be disappointed. If you were hoping for anything more, you won't find it.
2584586
Thank you very much. I'm glad to see you actually took the time to do a close read of my story, and then to actually criticize it. I'm not sure how much of it I can realistically implement in the story, but I will do my best.
2663444
Eh, I haven't given up on this. I'm just on a hiatus due to job restrictions.
2585205 THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!
Damn, Twilight could slap someone going at Mach 1?AWESOME!!!
And, um, I distinctly remember the throne room not being long enough for RD to do a Sonic Rainboom, is it not?
Bitch slap someone going faster than sound... Ok Twilight.
3212608 the sonic rainboom is at Mach 5
the first chapter was a broad summery of the whole story and all the other chapters go a little farther into the story than the last and with more detail. cool
3456605
3212608
Actually it's Mach 0.315 Or ~108 m/s. [since Mach Cone was added for Rule of Cool, and the most reliable way to judge speed [as in post] is Distance over Time]. Still getting hit by that would be like getting hit by mass driver's bullet.
Isn't the glow of the Element of Loyalty red?
5987000 Yes.
2576484 getting backhoofed by friend is not very stylish
Kindness is pink, loyalty is red, you’re using the Colors of their fur, not the colour of the elements.
Wait. It's like that?
Aren't they already dead at this point? How are they telling us?
I've just noticed something: Rainbow must have acted very fast if all her friends saw was her... dead body.
They probably after death were thinking, “Why twilight how could you do this? Were we your friends or not?” They probably thought it was a dream so they could wake up alive and everyone else including twilight would be the same pony they are.