Chapter One: Like a Thief
Kleptomania
Chapter One: Like a Thief
My eyes shined when I finally laid eyes upon the mountainous pile of loot. With a grin that everybody else called 'greedy', but I called 'avaricious', I quietly snuck my way over to the massive stash that was full of gems, gold, and just about everything else that would fill my pocket with the cold, hard coins that was the currency of this world.
And they called me crazy for even thinking about taking this job!
I started stuffing the largest precious gems and the nicest golden jewellery into the reinforced bag that I carried over my shoulder. I felt like a reverse Santa Claus.
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...
I almost started whistling along with the song, but I caught myself before I revealed my position to the dragon that was currently stretching his wings outside the cave. A violent rumble jolted me out of my whimsy, causing me to lose my balance and fall into the treasure trove.
Little known fact: gems and other valuable objects are not soft.
I swore as I fell down, and grumbled as I righted myself. I checked myself for any injuries, wincing when I noticed that the sharp edge of something had cut me through my black shirt, deep enough to bleed, but not deep enough to be a serious injury. I realized that I had left my blood at the scene of a theft. My thoughts flickered wildly on how to remove the blood.
Bleach? No, they didn't have that here. Fire? Could I burn this place down behind me?
A quick look around reminded me that I was currently in a cave embedded deep within a mountain.
Shit! Was I going to have to—?
My frantic thoughts stopped in their tracks with a sudden realization. Smacking myself in the head, I silently chastised myself.
What the hell am I thinking? They can't track my DNA here. I'm in a goddamn whole other world. Stupid! Stupid idiot! I've been here for how long? And I still forget that I'm not on Earth anymore?
Feeling annoyed at my shortsightedness, I continued to grab the most valuable objects that I could. My thoughts drifted to what could have caused the tremor that knocked me over. I figured that the dragon must've gone for a quick flight or something, and as long as he didn't return in the next minute or two, I was golden. My nimble fingers found a solid gold bar.
Oh yes, I was definitely golden.
As I rummaged through the pile, I found a strange, smooth statue made of an unknown material. I subconsciously brought one hand to my chin as I studied the statue, stroking the two day beard underneath the balaclava I wore over my face. The ski-mask wasn't to hide my identity, as I was easy to spot, given that I was the only one of my kind here. I only wore it out of habit and nostalgia as it was one of the only things I still had left from my home.
I turned the statue around in my hand, and noticed some faint, glowing inscriptions that wound throughout the strange effigy. It somewhat reminded me of my job on Earth: a museum heist. It wouldn't have looked out of place underneath a square of plexiglass. Being the consummate kleptomaniac that I was, I had a list of rules for the unknown quantities that my heists would inevitably uncover.
Rule One: If it looked valuable, it probably was.
Rule Two: Refer to rule one.
Smiling to myself as I remembered the Rules, I merrily chucked the statue in with the rest of the loot I had acquired. I loved my job. I continued to fill up my swag bag, my gloved hands nimbly picking out the most valuable items of the bunch. By the time my bag was finally reaching its limit, I realized that I had actually made a sizeable dent into the dragon's hoard.
Hah! Don't steal from a dragon, they said. It'll charbroil my pasty flank, they said!
I tied the bag and hoisted it over my shoulder, glad that I paid the extra money to have a unicorn put a weight-reducing spell on it. The enchantment that had been wrought upon it reduced the weight of the contents to nearly one fifth of their original weight, which continued to please me to no end.
Even with the enchantment however, my bag of loot was still somewhat heavy. Unfortunately, it was still extremely cumbersome, as the weight-reduction did nothing to decrease the actual matter that the objects took up. Confusing, but that was magic for you. With a smile that turned into a grimace when something sharp poked me in my spine, I tiptoed back to the hole in the cave that had been my entry point. I confidently lowered myself into the hole first.
Piece of cake. I should do this more often. There had to be around ninety to a hundred housand bits worth of loot just in this bag alone!
I pulled the bag in after me with my fingers crossed, praying that the bag would be able to fit, as I hadn't measured the diameter of the hole beforehand. "Oh yeah," I whispered when the bag fell in after me, its bulky form managing to fit by a margin of only a few centimetres. "That's the stuff."
Note to self: measure the bloody hole next time! Wouldn't want to go through all that trouble and then have it get stuck, would we?
I stifled a childish giggle. Getting stuck in the hole...
Laughing with maniacal glee, I dragged the bag through the small tunnel that I had dug over several days in preparation for the heist. I had to work slowly and methodically, else the dragon would've caught on to my dastardly plan.
The clinks and clanks of the treasure inside the bag were music to my ears as I hoisted it over my shoulder and jumped down the incline of the mountain, the thrill of the theft pumping my body full of adrenaline. "Kiss my ass, you fat flying lizard!" I yelled triumphantly as I slid down the side of the mountain, narrowly avoiding the brambles and trees that grew along the slope.
I cackled with laughter, high on the thrill of the heist. Behind me, I heard the dragon let out a blood-curdling roar, a sound that chilled me to the bone, took away my sudden burst of energy, and caused me to freeze in place. Maybe he just—
*ROAAAAAAAR*
"Oh tits!" I screamed as the adrenaline my kleptomania provided me with was replaced by the adrenaline caused by pure, unadulterated fear. My legs started moving of their own accord, sprinting down the side of the mountain with the power of gravity on my side.
This can't be happening! I'm going to wake up and this will be a bad dream!
I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince: myself or the dragon that was definitely chasing me.
*ROAAAAAAAR*
The roar of the dragon came from almost directly above me, which sent another wave of primal fear through my body. I put on yet another burst of speed as I ran. I was going so fast that the vegetation was starting to blur around me, the sack of loot that kept jabbing into my back the only reminder that this wasn't a crazed, nightmarish fantasy. I directed myself into the thickest patch of greenery that I could, trying to lose the dragon that was right on my metaphorical tail. Crashing through the shrubs and flora, I kept running, the voice in the back of my head telling me not to slow down for anything.
When I noticed that I had ran out of the patch of vegetation and was now running straight towards the edge of a cliff, the voice rescinded its earlier statement by telling me that I was allowed to slow down for cliffs. Taking my own advice, I abruptly stopped running and dug the heels of my shoes into the rocky, clay earth beneath my feet in an attempt to slow down.
This had the unfortunate side effect of causing me to lose my already precarious balance and trip, making me fall ass-over-teakettle. As I flipped in mid-air, time seemed to slow and I had what felt like an hour of time to think. My thoughts went as follows.
There's no way that this is happening. No freaking way. I'm back at the Institute, asleep in my cot, and this is all a bad dream.
A roar shattered that illusion.
Are you fucking kidding me?! Everything was going great! Why now, after the fact, is this stupid goddamn dragon chasing me?! He could've found me at any other time, but no!
Can't a guy steal things for a living? Is that so bad? You know what, I'll trade you the loot for my life. Sound like a deal, fate?
No response.
Why...? Why me? What did I do to deserve—oh. Right.
Well... at least I'll go out in a blaze of glory. Stupid dragon...
I hit the ground face-first, with the bag crushing me further into the ground as it landed on top of my torso. I heard a sickening crunch as my vision filled with stars from the impact. Groaning, I opened one eye and almost had a heart attack when I saw nothing below me but the tops of various trees. "Gah!" I exclaimed as I scrambled backwards from the several hundred foot drop.
With the hand that didn't currently have a death-grip on my loot bag, I quickly checked myself over for any breaks or sprains. I only had a couple of broken ribs and a broken toe. I wasn't sure which.
"That was too close for comfort," I wheezed as I wiped the sweat of off my brow. My glove came away sticky with blood.
Great. Add head wound and possible concussion to my ever-growing list of injuries. So this is why they called me nuts. Fence better have made nice with Silver; these wounds weren't going to heal themselves.
I looked around, and to my infinite joy, saw that there was no dragon in sight. I nearly danced a little jig. In fact, I would have, had it not been for a large gust of wind and a streak of red emerging from the flat plateau in front of me.
A billow of hot air breathed through the cloud of dust, dispersing it and ruining all thoughts of my success. The large, blood-red dragon that I had tried to outrun stood not ten metres away, its tree-trunk thick foreleg blocking off a goat path, which was my only chance of escape. I slowly craned my neck upwards, my eyes slowly going over the dragon's massive, scaled body. After an eternity, I finally managed to look at the overgrown reptile's eyes. They were pitch black, and they did not look amused.
"Oh shit."
The dragon's eyes glittered and seemed to say, 'Yep'.
The winged beast looked up at the sky and opened its maw; a torrent of white flame came out, the air around it distorted from the intense heat of the flames. I knew that the lighter coloured the fire was, the hotter it burned, which meant I'd go from moist to extra crispy in a second. I swear that the dragon wore a sadistic grin on its face as it breathed in, preparing to bathe me in an inferno.
I did the only thing that I could to escape becoming a charbroiled man-burger: I jumped backwards off of the cliff, twisting in midair as I fell. I felt an intense heat on my back, enough so that I could feel the blisters start to rise on my shoulders. Screaming in pain and exhilaration as I fell, I flailed myself in an attempt to direct myself towards the softest possible landing site: the top of a big, deciduous tree. The bag of loot was securely and frantically held tight to my chest.
Of all the movies and cartoons that I had seen, it seemed to be the most plausible choice. I tried to convince myself that this wasn't insane. I mean, it had to be deciduous trees for a reason, right?
I crashed into the tree at the speed of freefall. It wasn't as soft as I hoped it was.
\\\\\
"There is no way, no godforsaken way that I'm doing that again!" I yelled at the grey earth pony in front of me. "Do you think I have a death wish?!"
"No need to get so... emotional over it. I am just offering, since you were the only one who has come back alive from stealing a dragon's hoard. There is a lot of money to be made from dragons, comrade..."
"I already said 'No', Fence. A thousand times no. I'd like to keep my skin smooth, not crispy, thank you very much," I replied.
My shoulders ached where the blisters had been, but thanks to Silver, a unicorn on Fence's payroll, I was feeling pretty hunky-dory, considering the circumstances. Thank goodness for unicorn magic.
Fence rolled his eyes. "You know, you did not have to take me up on the job. To be perfectly honest, I was mostly joking about it, anyway."
"Yeah, well, have I ever been one to refuse a job? C'mon man, you should know me better than that by now."
"I do know you well, my friend. Perhaps better than you know yourself." I rolled my eyes as he motioned towards the unopened and slightly-scorched bag that lay sprawled upon the massive metal sorting table. "Shall we?" he asked.
Holding my bandaged head with one hand and motioning towards the loot with the other, I said, "Be my guest."
Frowning, Fence said, "Technically, you're my guest. Unless, of course, you somehow managed to steal the entire Institution out from under me."
I chuckled. Sometimes, the finer parts of Fence's English—or Equestrian, I suppose, even though the two are one and the same—left a lot to be desired. "It's a figure of speech where I come from, Fence, and I'm pretty sure it's one here too. For crying out loud, you spend more time in the city than I do."
Fence laughed as well. "Da, that may be true, but tell me this: Who do you think is the one selling all of the... reciprocated goods that you and the others manage to procure?"
I snorted and said, "It's all you, brother."
Frowning again, Fence said, "But we are not bro—...oh, I see. Another figure of speech, da?"
"Da, comrade," I said in my best imitation of a Russian accent. Fence's accent was eerily similar to Russian, even though he proclaimed to be from 'the great city of Stalliongrad.' I had filed away the accent, along with several other strange similarities to Earth, to simply being extremely coincidental.
Fence and I made our way over to the table, with me carefully avoiding the bloodstains that dotted the floor. We had used the Institute as our headquarters for almost four months now, but I still haven't asked where the bloodstains came from. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know.
"By Celestia... you were not joking when you said that you could not fit anything else in the bag," he said after pulling the string that kept the bag closed open with his teeth.
I laughed, then winced when my ribs let out an angry protest. Magic was incredible, but it wasn't perfect: I'd have to heal the bruising on my own. "You'd better believe it."
Fence raised an eyebrow. "More colloquialisms?" I nodded.
Turning his attention back to the sack of treasure, he asked, "Can you empty it onto the table for me? Seeing as how I do not have your strange appendages..."
I gave him a look that was not amused. "For the twenty-seventh and last time, they're called 'hands'!" Fence just grinned and nodded. I grabbed the back of the bag and pulled, shaking it as the contents started to spill out. It took longer than even I thought it would.
Fence whistled. "Quite a haul, if I must say. Hurry up and take your pick. Shift and Cloak should be here soon and the longer you stand there, the longer it takes for us to get paid."
I shivered, remembering the pegasus twins. There was something... off about them. My feelings about people were generally spot on, and ponies were no exception. "Are you sure about them, Fence? I'd much rather we go with somebody we know better, like Seeker."
Fence raised an eyebrow and said, "I would rather do the same, but Shift and Cloak pay a lot better than Seeker does. I know you don't like them, but you are not the one having to deal with them: I am."
And I was damn lucky at that. I didn't need to talk to them to know that they were creepy bastards. I sighed, keeping my thoughts to myself. "Fair enough," I replied as I started to scan over the stolen treasure trove.
My eyes were drawn to a goblet made of gold but encrusted with so many diamonds that it looked like it was left outside on a particularly cold morning. My hand reached out to grab the goblet of its own accord, but stopped and changed course abruptly when I glimpsed the same strange statue from before—the one covered in glowing script—out of the corner of my eye. The intricate, gleaming carvings entranced me, enough so that I picked the sculpture up instead of the diamond goblet. I stared at the statue for several seconds, marveling in its beauty.
"Why?"
The question startled me out of my stupor. "Pardon? Why what?"
"Why do you do... this?" He motioned towards the table. "If you were in it for the money, you would not have requested that we sell this to Seeker, nor would you have picked that statue over that diamond chalice."
I stared at the statue, imagining how well it would go with all the other items that I had kept from the aftermath of my heists. I kept one thing from each and every job; a memento, of sorts. I could look at that one object and remember where it had come from and what had accompanied it. It was both my proof and my pudding.
"I steal because it makes me happy, Fence. I thieve because it brings a smile to my face. I loot because it gives me a rush that nothing else in the world does." I turned to my employer with a grin on my face. "I'm a kleptomaniac, Fence. Stealing is my addiction, my lady in white. If I happen to bring in some money while I feed my addiction, then I guess that's fine too."
The slate grey earth pony smiled in return. "Are all humans as strange as you, comrade?"
"No."
I looked back at the statue.
"Most are even stranger."
Fence opened his mouth to respond, but he stopped when a jangle of bells was heard. He looked at me seriously and said, "They are here. Go and rest. This should not take long."
"Thank Silver for me next time I see her, yeah? By the time I wake up, she's always gone," I said as I walked towards the old, repurposed jail cell that I called home. "If anything, I should be the one leaving her alone in bed..."
Fence rolled his eyes. "Very funny. I will tell Silver that the next time I see her. Now get going! Don't want the twins to spot you, nyet?"
I shuddered involuntarily. "Wouldn't want that," I muttered under my breath. Speaking a little louder, I said, "I'm glad that I met you, Fence. Talk to you later."
The earth pony nodded, his attention switching to where the buyers would come from. I made my way towards my cell, my mind calling back memories of the first day that I appeared in Equestria.
A museum heist gone wrong, a flash of light, an intense, indescribable pain. Waking up on an unknown, dirty street in the middle of the night. Being kicked and abused by the first ponies that saw me, being called 'the most bucked-up diamond dog' that they'd ever seen. I shuddered as I remembered how I came to be in this strange, pony-filled land, the beat down, and the near mental breakdown I had soon after.
Bloodied and dirtied and wondering if I had lost my mind, I crawled on my hands and knees along the streets of Manehattan until I found an alleyway to slip in to. It was there that I accidentally stumbled upon Fence, an immigrant that had recently moved there in an attempt to escape from the slums of Stalliongrad. He didn't know what I was, nor I him, but after talking for a few hours under the light of the moon, we both realized that we were kindred souls from different worlds.
Fence didn't care that I was an alien, an extraterrestrial to Equestria, and I didn't care that he stole and traded stolen goods to eke out a living on the street. We formed a shaky, and to us then, temporary, alliance: I would steal things, and Fence would sell them to one of his numerous contacts.
I blinked, knocking myself out of my reverie. It was amazing how far we'd come, in such a short time. We'd grown from a two-man team operating out of an abandoned alleyway to a full-fledged criminal organization that, in Manehattan's premier newspaper, Equestria Daily's own words, was the 'most elusive criminal enterprise in recent history.'
I was damn proud of that fact, too. I was a one man crime spree up until a few months ago when we hired some new recruits.
I felt a brief pang of loss upon remembering that I could never go back to where I once belonged, but after looking back at the statue held in my hand, I realized that Equestria was the place for me.
I opened up the lock on the cell door with the key that I kept hidden on my person, and locked the door behind me. I proceeded to flop onto my bed, the cot eliciting a sproing sound, the statue still clenched tightly in my hand. My shoulders and back burned like I had a sunburn, my ribs ached, and the hundred small bruises from that damn deciduous tree made me groan long and slow into my pillow.
Never again. Stealing from ponies was easy. Thieving from diamond dogs was more difficult, but still doable. Gryphons were a pain in the ass, mostly because the ones that lived in Equestria were paranoid as hell. Dragons? Screw that. I was a thief, not a miracle worker.
I quit three years ago... but damn, I could use a cigarette right about now.
Forcing myself upright, I pulled the duffel bag out from under my cot, wincing as my shoulders twinged from the effort. I opened up the bag and took a moment to revel in the feeling of pleasure I received from just looking at the fruits of my labour. Whole diamonds the size of a baseball, necklaces that wouldn't look out of place on the God-King Xerxes, and a crown inlaid with rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and just about every other conceivable gem were just a few of the things that I had kept.
My precious...
I wrapped the statue in a cloth and placed it among the other valuables, smiling as I did so. My eyes were drawn to the leather bag of bits that took up the majority of space in my bag. I knew exactly how much was in there, as I had counted it before I hiked over to that god-forsaken mountain. Two hundred and sixty-five thousand, nine hundred and five. Enough money to sustain me for the rest of my days in Equestria.
When I first began my crime spree, my addiction was so easy to feed that I thought each home I visited was baited. Only later, when people started putting locks on their windows and spells on their doors did I start having even a semblance of difficulty. Even with these extra measures, I couldn't believe how easy it was to break in to peopl—... pony's homes. It's like they never expected someone with hands to steal from them...
Sighing and putting my thoughts aside for now, I zipped my duffel bag back up and slid it under my bed. I laid down on the soft mattress, and tried to fall asleep. The same feeling of unease that I felt when Fence mentioned Cloak and Shift kept coming back, against all of my attempts to dispel the feeling.
Something was wrong, and I could feel it. My tired body eventually silence my paranoia, and I fell asleep dreaming of Earth, something that hadn't happened in what seemed like forever.
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are there a few elderscrolls refrences in there, or are they just coincidental?
Damn straight. Avarice is back. If I remember correctly... "You are a greedy human in Equestria." Part of the summary, wasn't it? So it changed from second to first person. Well, at least we'll learn his name now, eh? And if it keeps this story from falling apart like Anthro, I'm all for the change.
I wonder what role the statue will play now. Symbolism of his 'condition'? Something to marvel at when he gets or makes a home? A reminder of better times when 'it' happens? Nah, I'm gonna stop now, for sake of spoilers.
Hehe... I'm assuming Trials and Tribulations is gonna make an epic comeback, too?
Ahem, please don't mind me, just here to say this....
GET ALL THE SHINIES!
Rules to live by.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
Cabbage sees what you did there.
I see too. Going through grief to steal from a dragon's hoard. How appropriate.
Very interesting take on a Human in Equestria fic. So far, the anti-hero protagonist is pretty likeable.
This is from the description. See the error?
2350355
Intentional...
Okay, maybe not...
I'm guessing this is an old story, revived, but I'm new to the crowd. Still, it was good. Fav'd and liked.
2350064
That's not an innuendo either. I am actually craving cabbage. 
Mmmm... Cabbage. Can I eat you, please? You look rather tasty...
Hope you keep through with this one.
Boop.
This is so much easier to read when it's not in second person.
Great to see this back
But I'm next to 100% certain that you already posted this story as "Avarice", and as far as I can tell very little has changed.
Why repost it, albeit in a different perspective?
2351370
All my stories were deleted. Also, second-person sucks.
2351386 Ah, sorry bout that, and very true.
2351386 You dislike second person?
What are you, gay?
2351386
Indeed
2350064 Woah
Nice catch, Cabbage
2351536 smart*
How do I add this to my read later list?
2352273
The book with alarm clock beside the title of the fic
2352286 porkchop
This chapter, I like it. *looks at printed versions for a few seconds and throws it down, hard* ANOTHER
2351536 lol gay jokes is funy
2352349 hehe *Is a dwarf* *Slams down mug* ANOTHER!
2352633
*Fills mug and lifts another* TO THE AUTHOR!
Ooooo this looks good! Can't wait for more
2352653
*fills mug with water accidentally* TO THE KLEPTO!
2352689
umm, that's water. how many have you had sir?
2352706
Fifty-two and counting, sir! *Salutes drunkenly*
2352713
*hands you a bottle of MTN DEW* I think this will suffice for now.
2352727
Ah, sweet nectar of the mountains!
2352756
Pretty much, I usually drink this instead of the usual ale, helps me stay sober enough to run the tavern, keeps me awake too
2352785
Sober? Who needs to be sober? We've got ALCOHOL. *Drinks from the keg*
2352820
I can't be drunk on the job, I might give out freebies, oh and that keg brings your total tab up to a full gold bar, care to continue?
2352840
Ish a frwee cawntrey, I can do whatsh I wantsh... The alc'hol in a freer countrey is free too... *hic* I dun have to pay any of your fanshy tabs with your fanshy gold barsh... *hic* you go ahead and keep 'em.
2353171
the "fanchy" gold bars are the currency of your people, the dwarves, and my calculations put your bill at one full gold bar and with new debt collecting laws I can forcibly take the gold sir *stands from behind bar revealing full size (6'3'' solid muscle) and cracks knuckles*
2353227
*Gives you a gold bar in a mug of ale* heer ya go. *leaves*
2353252
went better than expected
YOU FORGOT YOUR KEG!
2353252>>2353271 If'n ya ask me. It's a mite bit rude to be roleplayin on the comment section of someone's story. Just asking nicely if you two'll do this with pm's or on each other's comment section your pages?
Hopin to see where this story goes. I love klepto's.
2353281
shit happenes
2353281
2353292
Good idea. PMS GALORE! TIME TO FILL YOUR INBOX
I was wondering where the hell this fic went. I must see how he gets involved into ponyville once more. I hope see updates to parts that I haven't seen yet.
Stealing is good for the soul.
Can't wait to see where this is going.
<Edit>
also anypony know why im a gold member?
great so far
I like this, and now I politely request MOAR.