”My fellow changelings…” I began to get the attention of the crowd below with my magically-amplified voice. When I was sure all was silent, I began again. “… I know times have been difficult, and many of us did not return from Canterlot.” I paused to look at the group gathered beneath my balcony. There wasn’t a single soul that stayed behind when we invaded. As I looked back down at the crowd of those who returned, a cold realization hit me.
There were a lot less faces than before.
“I understand there have been murmurs of discontent, and distrust,” Whispers echoed from the throng below. “I need each and every one of you to trust your queen, trust in me when I say the changelings will rise once more! She has a plan to bring us out of this decrepit position we find ourselves.” I paused once more to gauge the reactions below. Some had hope in their eyes, other scowled… and some could not even look at me.
“For the next day there shall be no work, for any of you.” That certainly got their attention. “Take tomorrow to properly mourn those claimed to the wilds, and pray for your brothers and sisters who have not yet returned,” I could feel the grief in the air as I brought up that particular topic. Were it not for the love I had stored in my energy reserves, none of us would have made it back to the hive.
“Please, return to your homes now. Announcements will be made in two days’ time. Until then, please stay warm...”
<><><><><><><><><><>
That was many months ago, and little had changed in that time.
The winter months would soon be upon us, and with the temperature of the southern mountains already dangerously low… I feared we would not last another season, let alone a whole year.
Changelings did not live in swamps or forests as most ponies assumed, well… not anymore since we were driven from our natural homes over the centuries. Now we were forced to live in the southern arctic wastes and build our homes into the very mountains themselves. It was normal to see a changeling wearing clothes to protect their fragile bodies from the extreme cold, even as we lived hundreds of feet beneath the surface and dwelled inside massive caverns.
Even then, inside my own bedchambers I wore heavy garments in an attempt to stay warm. We do not have the natural coats or high blood circulation of ponies. Changelings were never intended for the arctic. If our chitins got cold enough, they would literally crack open, leaving us vulnerable to infection. I shivered and pulled my robes tighter with my forelegs.
Using magic had been advised against for day-to-day activities that could be handled by one’s wings or hooves. It is a common belief our magic stems from love, which is only half the fact. Our magic fuels our life force, and our magic comes from love. Changelings cannot feed off the love of another; even two citizens who have gone through the rituals of matrimony will not thrive off the others love. My father once called it ‘one of the many weaknesses of our strange species’.
I looked out my balcony to the entrance of the cavern once more as I paced my room. Off in the distance I saw a small gathering as the gates opened. The weekly arrival of our undercover ‘love thieves’ were returning to the hive to replenish our energy reserves. It was common practice to send a minor into the world as a maturation ritual and have them return only when they had filled their bodies with as much love magic as they could.
But that was back when we thrived, back when it was only a rite of passage.
Now, every changeling that was healthy enough to leave was given the duty of a love thief. Do you remember when I said a changeling could not feed off the love of another? That is partially true at least. We can’t feed off their love, but we can transfer our magic—which fuels our life forces—to others. It is a bleak life and even with every hive member contributing, our numbers are still too low for anything long-term.
I felt a small surge of energy as the returning agents spread their love throughout the hive. It wasn’t much, but it would leave us feeling not so ill for a day at least. The next squad of changelings would be leaving any moment now, venturing to the closest of the southern pony cities to acquire love. With any luck, most of them will survive the frigid journey and eventually return to the hive. Were it not for the agents and my own contributions to the hive, we’d have all ‘starved’ months ago.
I steeled myself away from the window. I lifted myself up with my wings and went over to my large bed and climbed in, ready to retire for the ‘night.’ As I set down on the covers I heard a sickening cracking noise before a gut-wrenching snap.
The chitin above my right foreleg, just below the elbow had cracked and broken away. A hole the size of a grapefruit now showed my sensitive skin underneath. I lied down and cradled my appendage with silent tears. I must have looked like a foal crying over a bruised leg or scraped hoof. But in all reality, what pained me most was knowing there was no way to hide the injury from my subjects, and they were all too-willing to do anything to make sure their queen was alright.
Even if it meant sacrificing their own magic to sustain me.
<><><><><><><><><><>
I heard a knock at my chamber doors from behind me.
“Enter,” I commanded flatly without even turning from my balcony. The door creaked open as the familiar sound of changeling hooves on stone reached my ears.
“It is time for dinner, Your Highness.” The familiar voice of my personal servant, Skeer said. He was one of the uncommon changelings that had green eyes instead of the majority blue. “I had a hunch you would not be dining in the hall tonight, so I took the liberty of bringing your meal to you, Your Highness.” I turned my head around and saw Skeer holding a large platter of various, steaming foods on his back and supporting them with his wings. He also wore a dark, robe-like garment to combat the ever-present cold.
I allowed myself the slightest smile at the gesture. My people never lost faith in me, and would even give their own lives to see me safe. I remembered what happened the previous week when I forgot to hide my injury, and one of my subjects saw it. Without hesitation, she gave me the rest of her magic to heal myself... too much magic. I mentally shook the image of the drained changeling from my mind and met Skeer’s emerald eyes.
“Thank you for being so considerate, but your queen is not hungry tonight,” I lied, much to the disappointment of my shrunken stomach.
“My queen, forgive the insubordination on my part... but we are all hungry,” Skeer carefully, quietly countered. He was right though.
I had to choose my words carefully at that moment. If I lied and pretended to be ill, he too would have given himself up for my own health... something I—nor the general population—could afford.
“I already ate tonight.” I lied again, now fully turning to face him to—hopefully—give my words the extra strength they would need to convince him. “I left before you got here and ate early.” I said in a simple tone, hoping he would buy it. Skeer titled his head and narrowed his eyes at me for a few tense moments.
“Understood, my queen.” He nodded and turned to leave. “I will make sure this is promptly thrown-out and—”
“No!” A part of me shouted before I even realized it. Skeer jumped slightly and turned to me with a bewildered, skeptical look. Food was understandably difficult to find in the mountainous tundra, that went double for hot food. “Don’t... don’t throw it away. Share it with those close to you,” I closed the distance and placed a hoof on his shoulder to reinforce my words. “Such a feast should not be wasted.” I nodded to the steaming platter still on his back.
“I—I, yes, Your highness!” Skeer stuttered before recomposing himself and giving me a curt nod. I withdrew my hoof and saw what could have been a tear in his eyes, but it might not have been. Without any further conversation, he left my chambers with my dinner; now his to share with whom he wished.
My stomach had then chosen to voice its objection at my selfless act. I ignored it and returned to my thoughts. I shut the doors to my small balcony and decided to get into bed so as to keep myself warm, and avoid further cracking. I used my hooves to pull the thick blankets over me and stared at the ceiling in deep thought.
Not even a year prior, I would not have been so generous, so conscious of my subject’s lives and feelings. I was young and fell into the all-too easy trap of being a power hungry ruler. I silently berated myself once more for our failure—my failure at the Canterlot invasion.
I wanted so badly to blame the ponies for my plan being ruined, the princesses, I even tried to silently blame my own people, even though they had performed admirably. In the end... it was my own fault it failed, my own fault half of our population had disappeared in less than a year. The guilt I felt at all the lives lost because of my foolishness is something I still feel to this day. Many times I contemplated suicide to escape what I had done.
I wiped away a tear and pushed the covers away slightly, revealing the precious regalia around my neck. It was a blue, crystal heart set into a golden necklace my mother had left to me in her will. I never discovered the origins, it was always a mystery. My parents never told me where it came from, only that they ‘retrieved’ it from a far away land. I hadn’t known of its peculiar properties for many years. When I discovered it was a storage device for magical energy, I sought a way to use this to further the changeling empire.
Without consulting my subjects or advisors, I used the energy inside of my parent’s gift to increase my own powers to a degree I never dreamed of. I had grown physically, and magically into something never before seen by changeling society. In less than a month the entire population had been moved to the outskirts of Canterlot, awaiting my signal. The power I had from that crystal made me feel strong, invincible as I infiltrated the city. It also made me arrogant, which was my ultimate downfall.
In the end, something that could have pulled our species from its bleak, shunned existence had been wasted at the cost of literally hundreds of lives... along with the only other changeling that could have qualified as my mate...
...and it was all my fault.
For what felt like the thousandth time since our return, I pulled my blanket over my head and cried myself to sleep.
<><><><><><><><><><>
He was late. He was never later, and that made a knot form in the bottom of my gut.
I sat in my throne and waited impatiently for Skeer to give the daily report of the “city,” if a cavernous hive could be called that. Winter had officially started two weeks ago, and the temperature was already dropping rapidly. I’d ordered the majority of the hive into hibernation to reduce the needs for our already low supplies of food and magic. Only the most essential changelings remained awake, to gather food and love.
The city was eerily quiet, and my cavern castle felt empty and dead with most of my staff hibernating. The only sounds in my throne room was the occasional drip of water from an overhead stalactite. I’d been wearing my warmest coat with my blue crystal draped around my neck. I’m not sure why I’d taken to wearing it everywhere, maybe as a reminder of what I’d done.
I was broken from my thoughts by the telltale sound of changeling chitin on stone. I composed myself and waited for him to come closer.
“My queen, I have brought the pre-winter census report,” Skeer bowed before my makeshift throne. He silently reached under one of his wings and passed me a light, tidy stack of papers.
“Why are these late?” I asked with an impatient tone I immediately regretted.
“ My sincerest apologies, Queen Chrysalis.” Skeer took a step back and bowed deeply. “ However, there were.... there were some...”
“Out with it already!” I snapped at him and my wings flared fully. It was late in the day and I was eager to be in my warm bed with a belly full of food. Add my recent stresses, and I was not a happy queen.
“There were some complications,” Skeer squeaked out just loud enough for me to hear. He was almost to the floor now, cowered in fear. At that, I pulled myself back and felt my face drop.
“What.... what kind of complications?” I asked hesitantly. Bad news usually never reached my ears unless it was serious anymore, and that only meant something new had gone wrong. Skeer slowly looked up to me and regained his composure and confidence.
“My queen... the last large group of love thieves haven’t returned yet...” Skeer paused to rub a foreleg over another. “And they’re a week late...” If words alone could stop a heart, it would have been those.
“Are you absolutely sure they weren’t simply lost in a blizzard and missed the hive?” I asked with my voice full of hope, but deep down I knew it was pointless to ask. I bit my lip as he waited to answer.
“I’m positive, my queen. We dispatched a search party who found their tracks,” Skeer stopped and looked down with a look I couldn’t see. Perhaps he had family or friends out there. “The search party found their tracks leading off into the unexplored arctic. They were forced to give up after their leader was... after she was taken by a rogue dragon.” I could feel the sadness around him; he definitely lost somebody dear to him.
“I see.” Was all I managed to say as the news sunk in. I took a step back and flopped onto my throne, defeated. I rubbed my temples as I played the situation over in my mind, the papers from Skeer still in my other hoof. With the initial group gone, and another from the search party, I was down another eleven changelings. I took a moment to look over the census report, but it was all incoherent and incomprehensible to me at the time.
“Skeer, you’ve always been good with math and been my advisor and servant for a decade now. Tell me, how bad is the situation with the latest events?” I asked whilst setting the papers down beside my throne for later. I knew the answer from him wouldn’t be good, but that didn’t help any.
“My queen,” He paused to find his words. Eventually he reclined on the rocky floor and cleared his throat. His emerald eyes looked straight into mine, a rarity for him. “We have been through many hardships and always managed to scrape by, but I’m afraid with these eleven agents as good as gone... we can’t even meet the minimum survival requirements.”
I let my head fall in my hooves for some silent moments, trying to will this away or wake up from a bad dream and be in my real home. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I forced them back.
“How much longer do we have?” I slowly whispered without looking up.
“We’ll run out food and energy just as spring rolls around... right as the rest of the hive wakes up from their hibernation,” Skeer informed. “After that, it will be a week, two at the most before we all starve.”
“So... it has come to this.” I breathed, defeated and suddenly feeling very tired. I looked down to my crystal necklace and fiddled with it in my hooves, trying to think of a solution.
“Your highness, I had an idea, if I may...” Skeer took a slight step forward and waited for my reply.
“Go ahead.” I waved a hoof to him without looking up from the marvelous blue crystal.
“I believe it is time we abandoned our long-standing reputation as stubborn loners who refuse aid, and seeked assistance from the other species.” He said quickly and held up a hoof in defense, perhaps thinking I would lash out at him. I looked up to him with a blank face before calmly unfastening my necklace and laying it in my hooves.
“I believe that would be a wise course of action.” My voice had gone flat as I toyed with the crystal heart in my hooves, peering into its depths as if it had placed a spell on me. I mentally slapped myself back into reality and looked Skeer straight in his eyes. “Bring the best stationary we have to my quarters, and find our fastest, healthiest worker. Wake one from hibernation if you have to. We’re going to need these letters delivered as soon as possible.”
Skeer had the largest grin I’d ever seen on him as he snapped to attention and gave me a surprising salute. My agreement must’ve surprised him greatly.
“Right away, Your Highness!” And with that, he turned and stormed out of my sight.
Alone once more, I relaxed and fell deeper into my throne. The crystal heart was still in my hooves as I gave it a few more inspecting glares.
“You’re going to make a great queen one day, Chrysy...”
“You’ll make us proud, I know it.”
My parents’ words echoed in my mind. They had so much faith in me before they passed. They gave me everything I needed to rule over our homeland—now a deserted wasteland, and even the surprise of a city’s worth of energy stored in this mysterious, heart-shaped crystal.
And I wasted it all.
My glare intensified at the crystal.
“Mother, Father, you were wrong!” I yelled and threw the precious stone with all my might at the closest wall. Without bothering to even look at it, I stormed off to my room.
I had letters to write, and a civilization’s worth of pride to swallow.
<><><><><><><><><><>
Six rejection letters were spread out on my desk. Six letters... each from a different species refusing our plea for aid. The dragons, zebras, gryphons, saddle-arabians, donkeys, and even the remote buffalo tribes all left us to fend for ourselves. I shuffled through all of them one more time before sighing and tossing them into the fire. At least their cruel words would keep me warm for a few minutes.
Dragons and changelings had been mortal enemies since the ancient times, so their reply was hardly surprising. But to be given such harsh words from the more peaceful and understanding species was surprising. It was likely the news of Canterlot’s invasion had reached them, so the situation was hopeless.
Maybe not entirely hopeless... A rogue thought creeped to the front of my mind. ... there is still one species you have not asked for aid yet.
“No. They would sooner watch us writhe like worms before they even speak to us, let alone me personally.” I whispered to myself and pulled my coat tighter as I adjusted myself in the desk’s crude chair. I looked down to the necklace I had gone back later and retrieved. There was now a large chip in the center, and a large crack running up the middle.
You don’t know until you try. You don’t have enough subjects for an invasion. You don’t have any other choice. The voice spoke up again. You’ve already swallowed more pride than you thought possible... why not go a little further?
I looked over to my inkwell, quill, and a final, blank letter I hadn’t needed at the time. I stared at it for a few long, hard minutes before I eventually sighed to myself.
“What have I got to lose...” I sniffled and slowly reached my hooves out for my quill and shuffled the paper over to me. With trembling hooves, I dipped my quill into the inkwell, and began to write.
=====Author's notes are spoiler free=====
First off I'd like to point out this was an experimental story for me, so it may or may not meet your previous expectations.
This was made as a 3-way special to celebrate a few milestones, but mostly for my 20th birthday.
It may be my birthday, but you all deserve a little something for sticking with me
I've had this one in developmental-limbo for ages. I decided it was time to be freed from the dark abyss known as my notes.
Why did I choose such a strange, obscure title? Well, I heard it early in life (oh Celestia that makes me sound old) and I've always loved it. Plus, it's quite appropriate in the situation.
In case you were wondering, it's pronounced *No-Bless Oh-Bleej.*
It's French.
My eternal gratitude to my long-time friends and editing team, Azu and Darastrix.
I wouldn't be anywhere without these guys.
Head on over to their profiles and tell them how great they are, Celestia-knows I can't say it enough
Very nice. Different than what I'm used to with your works, but I enjoyed it. Hope there will be a sequel. I'm curious as to what will happen after Chrysalis sends her letter off. Happy Birthday!
2238591
Happy birthday, man! Hope you have a awesome 20th birthday!
Third! I'll get moving on the read and review right away.
I'm going to take a guess that the letter is to Celestia and Luna, if so I think a sequel is needed to see the reply.
This is pretty good. The ending reminds me of another certain story I wrote, except from Celestia's view.
Poor Changelings. *puts a warm hand on their cold chitin*
Gonna get featured.
why do you make us have to do the end where cadance agrees to help them in our minds? because that is what would happen and no one can change that. NO ONE!!!
2335498
Please, I'm anything but predictable
Awesome story man, I would love it if you were to make a sequel !
Really nice and well written story.
I have only one fault.
Ending felt like running into brick wall or suddenly finding a cliff you just passed.
I can't decide.
It fells for me that something is missing here some conclusion or explanation.
Exposition, Rising action and climax are here but I can't spot Falling Action and Denouement.
Maybe a chapter of X time later?
BTW: Happy Birthday keep on writing.
You're now one year closer to perishing and reincarnating in Equestria.No SRSLY that's what's gonna happen :)
Definitely liked this. Similar conceptually to one I wrote a while back, but more fleshed out.
2335519 SHUT.UP!
THAT HAPPENED NEXT AND THAT IS FINAL.
A crystal heart relinquished from a far away land? Now that just screams crystal empire.
Really liked the story and the ending leaves many doors open to what could happen next.
You do realise that relinquished means to give something up, right?
If so, the senence should probably be "they ‘relinquished’ it to a far away land."
Consider this my birthday present to you. Happy 20'th birthday, you ingrate!
__________________________________________
Review for To Save A Species: Noblesse Oblige
This is a damn fine story. It is very different from everything else you have ever written, so you delivered there. Now let me get moving on the review.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
I have to be honest with you. Somber is not your talent. I know you can do it well. You did an excellent job at somber with "The One That Would Never Come". I know you can do it. The issue lies in the execution. More accurately, this story is overkill on the heavy and the contemplative. The result is somewhat boring. Despite your great efforts at making me sympathize with Chrysalis, I never really managed anything much more than a generic 'that's sad' feeling.
The characterization in this story was functional but not up to your usual merits. The problem is that there is far too much telling and nowhere near enough showing. It just occurred to me that this is exactly one of the same problems you had with "Too Love A Mortal". You're relying far too much on inner monologue and thoughts to flesh out the character. I want to say that it works here, but it just doesn't. I know that the story is all about her inner conflict, but it really just doesn't cut it. One of the biggest reasons for that is because Chrysalis is not a well-developed character in either the show or your story. We don't really know much of her other than that she tried to take over Equestria. Therefore, she still feels like a villain. There's no remorse for the invasion- just self-pity over having screwed herself royally. Wallowing isn't sympathetic; it's annoying. The character arc would have been much better suited to an active queen who went out with the subjects and involved herself in daily public affairs. I didn't get the feeling that she genuinely cared about her subjects. Her concern seemed to indicate that she didn't really care so long as she still had an empire and subjects to rule. Because we scarcely see the changelings, and therefore why Chrysalis loves them, concern for them still comes across as selfish in origin. In one paragraph, she's worrying about her subjects, but in the next one, she's commanding Skeer to go grab some poor sod and make them write out a letter for her. That feels hypocritical coming after her waxing endlessly over their plight. She ought to have personally written the letters. And given her courses of action, I find it hard to believe that this is the same Chrysalis who took down the Alicorn diarchs. That one was subtle and plotting. Yes, she was undeniably malevolent and sociopathic, but she was certainly believable as a leader. There isn't anything at all inspiring or clever about this one. She just feels too defeated and too down. I also wish that you did more characterization work with Skeer. He could have provided an interesting foil or partner for Chrysalis. Instead, he is a plot device. It feels like a massive wasted opportunity to have placed an original character along side one of the least-explored villains in the whole series and then not hardly even bother with developing him or using him to develop her.
The next thing I must criticize about this story is the plotline. While it works as a story of increasing desperation and hopelessness, it is simply flat throughout. There are no highs or lows or drama or tension. I don't feel any excitement. It's all just constant doom and gloom with such a confidence about itself that it just makes the reader numb. Why should we care or be invested when we know the outcome already? There's no tension or anything. Alright, that's a bit harsh. There was a bit of tension when Chrysalis considered and then resolved to write the letters. However, that lot went to waste when you handled all of that offscreen and just jumped between her decision and the rejections. While I understand how you want to do that to humble Chrysalis, it lacks the same impact for the readers because they just come across as a plot point. She was pinning all her hopes for the future on them and they didn't even get 500 words' focus! There is too much summarization and narration in this story. That's why I couldn't engage; there's nothing to grab ahold of! There's no tension because we never have any reason to hope to salvation, nor does the story relent from its funeral march. Now, I also must mention that you ought to have foreshadowed more stuff. And one last thing: if changelings can imitate others, then what's stopping them from just blending into other societies and going about their business in a less centralized way?
This is okay!
Your dialogue was functional. While it certainly wasn't brilliant or anything, it got the job done while staying within character. There really ought to have been a lot more of it. Showing Chrysalis interacting more with her subjects would have certainly solved this among other issues. It's just fine. It's okay. I do wish that you had shown the letters she sent out as well as the responses she received. That would have given us another chance to see Chrysalis from a more objective viewpoint. This fic just needed more character interactions. The ones you had were done alright, but the paucity of these exchanges combined with their formality meant that they lacked impact.
The story is memorable. While it certainly is not going to be one that I will go back to read over and over again, I will not forget it too soon. If anything makes it standout from everything else on the site, then it must be your treatment of Chrysalis as a character. While it wasn't a particularly great show, it still demonstrated plenty of nuance and thought. That alone makes it worthy of remembering.
The pacing is fine. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just alright. You spent too much time on similar and recurring scenes and themes. It got boring. The story also felt rushed as your reached the end, but it dragged on far too much at the beginning. The rather frequent breaks murdered the flow. In a story only 3100 words long, you can't afford all that many full stops. The number of section breaks shattered immersion and killed the flow. They also made the story seem artificially shorter than it really was. Your pacing is normally damn near perfect.
I love it!
I give you props for the world building! It appears as if perhaps you've been reading my works and throwing in world building whenever suitable opportunities arise. I like how you gave a sort of history of the changelings. Another good thing was that you remembered to include the races other than just the ponies in addition to how they felt about the changelings. I felt as if you had built a fairly complete world here, or at least laid down a satisfactory story of one. This sort of world building would make for a much better milieu story or perhaps one about the changeling race told from the perspective of an external narrator instead of using their queen as a viewpoint character. The rivalry between changelings and dragons was a nice touch. It added an element separate from the ponies and the princesses. The work you did when talking about the changeling race was definitely my favorite part of the story. In fact, I would like to see more of this world building type of story in the future. Many authors neglect to elaborate on changeling customs, traditions, and biology. I liked the bit about why they need to steal love from other races. It certainly made their plight seem more dire and tangible, as well as turned them from beasts into beings. Admittedly, this world building did make me care about the changelings on the whole. Their biology added a highly element of This story should've been about the decline of their civilization in the fallout from the Canterlot fiasco. Perhaps they shouldn't have been so quickly and easily driven to the brink of extinction. I also like how you talked about there being a southern arctic. It rams home the idea that Equestria is set on a planet quickly and elegantly, as well as giving the reader the idea that it really is a big place. After all, if the ponies have a frozen North, then it must be a very long way to the frozen South.
The ending was brilliant. While it makes me want to beg for a sequel or a continuation, I think that your story accomplished its objective and therefore should be left as a oneshot. Leaving it up for the reader to interpret the ending and decide for themselves is a risky gambit, but it worked here. You continue your tradition of having brilliant endings. And even though it felt somewhat awkwardly cut short, it made sense and stopped at a key juncture in the narrative.
As always, your mechanics earn full marks. That's all I really have to say about that.
This story was damn good. However, it had a number of what struck me as being flaws. While none of them were really painful or horrible in their own right, they aren't up to what I know you can do and taken together, they really hurt your story. In spite of this, the amount of things you did well was enough to still make it a very good story overall. It's definitely not your best work, but the effort you put in is apparent and I enjoyed it a lot. You receive 8/10 flutteryays.
CURSE YOU FOR ENDING THE STORY BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED!!!
please tell me theres gonna be another chapter, WE NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!
That's a heartwrenching picture there. Now I want to give Crysalis a hug... Damn you for stealing hugs meant for Celestia!
And because I very much prefer happy endings I'll be patiently awaiting the response letter. Even if you never write it. And in that case my imagination will eventually pick it up and insert my own desired ending for me - something I invariably do for most stories I like.
Well? Where's the rest of it?
2336339
That's what she saidIt's somewhere
2336440
Tell you what. I'll fave this story on the off chance you write a followup chapter. How about that?
Commence read, proofread, and review.
Let me tell you something: I respect few as much as you. As a result, this is a birthday present, and so, consider this as my gift to you: My complete review of the story, your view of changelings in the story, your view of the powers they have, their strengths and weaknesses, plot direction, editing, and of course, any errors I noticed.
I shall give you no quarter, when it comes to my Proofread and Review. EN GARDE!!!
... “My father once called it ‘one of the many weaknesses of our strange species’.” – She’s literally quoting her father, so you should be using quotation marks.
… “Do you remember when I said a changeling could not feed off the love of another?” – The problem here is literally how this is speaking directly to the viewer. This never happened before, and it never happens again, so the line should be changed to reflect this. One example of a possible revision would be, “Regarding the aforementioned fact that a changeling could not feed off the love of another…” for instance.
… “Skeer titled his head” – ‘titled’ should be ‘tilted’.
… “promptly thrown-out and” – I do not believe the hyphen is necessary for interjection between ‘thrown’ and ‘out’; a simple space is required between the two words.
… “I—I, yes, Your highness” – ‘highness’ should be capitalized, as a ‘title’.
… “Many times I contemplated suicide to escape what I had done.” – While I normally place errors in this section, this was just a sentence that was misused in terms of its placement: This is a statement that can hold tremendous impact for a story, and you just casually tossed it in. What’s worse is that you don’t bother to go deeper into, what is at this point, her inner turmoil. This should have gone into much more detail.
… “along with the only other changeling that could have qualified as my mate” – See above for my lecture of the wasted potential of a critical statement, for it applies here, as well.
… “He was late. He was never later,” – Why ‘later’ instead of ‘late’? It doesn’t even make much sense with the rest of the sentence, which describes her feelings of discomfort.
… ““ My sincerest” – There’s an unnecessary space between the quotation mark and ‘My’.
… ““ However, there were” – See above.
… “more peaceful and understanding species” (referring to dragons) – Erm… Dragons are painted as being prone to selfishness and greed in the series. In fact, they’re even shown as hostile. With this in mind, perhaps you should consider other words to describe their species.
… “one species you have not asked for aid yet” – There should be ‘from’ inserted between ‘aid’ and ‘yet’.
… That is all. Now it’s time to address the story itself.
The pacing was well-placed, though you failed to truly strengthen certain moments that had critical impact on Chrysalis. As a result, the story honestly came across as, for lack of a better word in my immediate vocabulary, ‘a draft’. Put simply, you had several moments that could have served to be given descriptions, insight, pure depth! Instead, these points, oddly enough, seem to be a means of ending several different paragraphs. They could have been more. They should have been more.
Next, I want to address your lack of environmental descriptions. In your ‘To Love’ series, you always had a fondness for describing just enough to keep me immersed in the scenes, but honestly, half the time I was reading this I just went “So where the *yay* are they? A cavern with a castle inside? How does she have windows or doors in a cavern when they couldn’t possibly find such convenient building materials in a tundra?” You described beds, blankets, stone flooring, and several other aspects that depict a ‘home’, yet then describe the cavernous feel of where they are.
Yes, I know that caverns can have homes built into it, but for a species that’s on the precipice of extinction, that’s hardly a luxury they can afford the time to address: Homes inside of a mountain cavern. If you’re going to address their species as being too weak to keep everyone working, then you need to remember that they have to be treated as such in order to immerse the reader into their world. Just because you have the visualization in your mind’s eye, doesn’t mean you can expect your readers to as well. If that’s the case, you should do your best to address this so we’re as informed as possible.
Now for Chrysalis… … This emoticon isn’t for you, but for the MLP:FiM developmental team’s depiction of her. This is why she’s so interesting in fanfiction: They wrote her as a villain, but her ‘plans’ were so badly explained in the episodes, that the changeling race was never given true insight: “Do they NEED to feed off the love of others to survive? How do they do it? Why are they seen as hostile when they’re clearly a DEPENDENT species?”
Now look at their depiction. Now back to yours. Now back at their depiction. NOW BACK TO YOURS!
… Yours is awesome. I won’t lie, I’m somewhat envious of it, actually, considering how it paints them as being much less of ‘an assaulting army’ and more of a ‘self-sacrificing species’. Certain words you used were rather crass, however, such as Skeer’s words. I’ll quote them:
From a member of your OWN species to say such words: that’s… fairly harsh. “time-honored tradition of being a species who thrives off of manipulation and deception in order to remain self-sufficient” would’ve been much more likely of a description, solely given Cadance’s description of what a Changeling is, in the show itself.
The depiction of changelings was awesome, but you needed to really bring the reader into their world by making us ‘feel’ for Chrysalis. The problem is, she’s in a state of blaming herself, so to make the reader sympathize with positive results, you should have had her go into detail with recollections of the events she had been responsible for.
- What was her original ‘suitable mate’ like? Did she have any sort of attachment to them, emotionally?
- She contemplated suicide, but HOW? If it was ‘to try hunting for love, herself’, that qualifies, and paints her as being much more selfless, giving her ‘suicide attempt’ meaning, in the form of sacrificing her well-being to help her hive. Or did she just consider the selfish idea of letting herself sleep without covers so she wakes up with her chitin frozen and cracked, ready to be destroyed with the slightest movement? Suicide MEANS something, but how much, depends on what the author chooses.
- What were the days like directly after she had lost to the ‘Power of Love’? You explained her feeling of superiority, her confidence leading up to the invasion, even her complete faith in the plan working, but then it ends so abruptly that it sounds more like something from a Saturday morning cartoon… like failing at an invasion and losing an insurmountable number of subjects isn’t worth mentioning.
- Chrysalis’s connection with her parents. This doesn’t need to be deep, but for goodness sake, give them discernible character. Were they power-hungry? Were they self-sacrificing? She never really explains it aside from a single outburst before throwing her crystal heart necklace. “You were wrong!”? There could have been so much more here…
I guess that at the end of the day, a lot of this story could have been written better: The STORY itself is great, but it’s the ignorance of the details and impact that certain statements or plot points that drags this down from being one of the best fics I’ve ever read (I’m positive it could be that! ) to being… something that I go beyond getting ‘not immersed’ into:
It literally makes me think that you can’t write emotion into a scene… and I know the way you write: You’re great at emotionally connecting us with your characters, whether they're original (Artemis), or your view of an existing character (Celestia).
When someone like me thinks “This author isn’t good”, and KNOWS they’re good, I don’t question their ability as an author. I question my credibility as a critic of their work. Maybe I don’t see it. Maybe I can’t see the quality that’s there, or maybe it really isn’t there. Honestly, it comes down to who I put more faith in: Your skill or mine.
… This better continue, because I’m desperate for an answer to that question. I’m pretty sure I’m ‘in the wrong’, though, because I’ve read your ‘To Love’ series… so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.
… Oh, and Happy Birthday.
2335791
I find myself laughing at your post, because of the things you listed are the same things I said to him as his pre-reader.
^ Did we not go over these Ed? I think a "I told you so" is in order, hm?
Also that I really like your attitude and how you reviewed it. It's a very positive review, while still pointing out the flaws.
happy b day and dam 2336667 honestly the longest comment I've ever read
Put it in my read later. But I'm curious, is the title a nod to "Eden of the East"? The moment I read it that's what jumped in my mind.
The cover seems sad enough
2336859 I've made longer. You should see me when the stories consist of well over five-thousand words; I actually cut my "review" and "proofreading" sections into separate comments to make them seem shorter. But hey, if you have plenty of respect for an author, why give them any less than your all as a reader, right?
2335791 You know, if I didn't take so much pride in writing my comment-based reviews, I would've just posted a reply to yours, with size 24 font saying "READ THIS! THIS GUY! THIS GUY RIGHT HERE! HE'S AWESOME, LISTEN TO HIM!"
That's it?
What happens next?!
2336835
@ Azu
Thank you. I've been reviewing his work for a while. I find it interesting that I'm not the only one to spot those issues. I do try my best to write good reviews.
2336919
@ ShimmeringStallion
Thanks! I aim to please. You write damn good reviews, too. You should see the one I dropped for To Love A Goddess. That was pretty damn long as well. Even though I always imagine the Zero Punctuation opening theme playing whenever I start giving criticism.
2337157 I can tell that we both want the author to improve because we know they're capable of improving. Let's face it: When you reach the "over 1000 words" limit in your comment, and you still feel comfortable posting it, you want to do what you can to help them improve, by providing as much insight as possible.
There's a difference between a thousand-word rambling and a thousand-word review, and it's the meaning behind what we type.
Honestly, sometimes I play Street Fighter music when I type my reviews to get me in the mood for posting heavy criticism... like Juri's theme, for example: Booming and 'Screaming' in the music. ZP, huh? I've got that theme on my MP3 player... Heh... It's a good song, but I'm not quiiiite at the point where I feel like I'm bashing the author... at least not yet.
2238591 I already knew how to pronounce "Noblesse Oblige" thanks to the Armored Core games. Indeed, t'is a title that is awesome. I will be sure to give this a read when time allows me.
2337361
YES!
Another Armored Core fan
Wow! Great stuff there.
2337157>>2337187
Yes, as an author I agree that it is good to get reader feedback on the level you two gave, it is insightful and helps you think about what to do next time.
Oh and I hear this in my head when I review something in depth.
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/132829081577.png
The dislike bar is like a ninja. You can't see it, but you know it's there somewhere
2337739 As someone whose avatar is literally a sprite edit of Phoenix Wright and Lamiroir from the "Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney" game, I am legally obligated to say the following:
YOU ARE BUCKING AWESOME!!!
... With that in mind, please accept the following song, for when you want to really immerse yourself into a sad moment in a story.
... It's actually fairly good for when Chrysalis throws the necklace, and the immediate scenes after.
You... You... This is the most amazing piece of fanfiction I've ever read.
Period. The best.
The first fanfic that made me feel sorry for Chrysalis and the Changelings. My hatred for the is so strong, so your fic just changed my opinion completely. NO other fic has done that! YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER.
I love the title. Thank god my first language is french so I could know it's meaning.
Happy Birthday
You know what I hate most about this fic? That this is all there is.
2338282
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/295/499/77d.png
I like that type of fics, they always show same thing from different perspective. Sadly it was sooo short :<
Why is this marked as complete!?
Happy 20th Birthday!
Great story once again. Also 300 reference
Don't you hate it when u upload a story and it cuts off the ending? Yeah. Well what was there was fantastic and the flow was perfect. Did notice an error or two like u have "later" instead of "late" at one point, but that's good compared to some other stories. I hope there is a sequel and happy birthday.
Permission to write a sequill?
2339678
Sorry, I can't grant your request.
2339678 Perhaps if you spell the word 'sequel' correctly, an author would be more likely to allow you to write one. I'm sure he's quite flattered that you want to write a sequel for one of his stories, but maybe your attempts would be more fruitful with the use of proper grammar. No offense intended, it's just a suggestion. First impressions are key.
If good stories can be compared to full length movies, then this is like a very well done trailer for a movie that's been cancelled. It's short informative, and it tells you everything you could need to know while hinting at what's ahead; a short glimpse at something that could be truly amazing if it was more. Alas though it is just a trailer and so we will be forced to attempt to finish the story with our sad imaginations, and this is something that this site needs more of!
DO YOU WATCH EDEN OF THE EAST?!