• Member Since 17th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 22nd, 2014

Lunaluver


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A short story of how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash met.
I wrote the first thing that came to mind. Sorry if it may be a little to fast paced.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 2 )

It's a cute idea, but there are a lot of contradictory things. First off, Fluttershy wasn't aware that Rainbow Dash was the reason for her getting her cutie mark till years later (as revealed in The Cutie Mark Chronicles) or that she had done the Sonic Rainboom. In that same episode, Fluttershy said she'd never been that close to the ground before, so her mother being an earth pony doesn't make sense. Rainbow Dash seemed a bit to jumpy from Fluttershy approaching her, honestly that's more of what Fluttershy would do. I really couldn't see Rainbow Dash being sad and crying since she won the race, did a Sonic Rainboom, and got her cutie mark. Why is she sitting on a bench on the ground? Wouldn't she still be in Cloudsdale? Also, Fluttershy would be more butter color, not butterscotch (which is a much darker shade). It seemed especially fast with Gilda suddenly having her parents again; also who was looking after her and Rainbow Dash? Gilda is clearly around the same age. Gilda also seemed to only ever be someone that Rainbow Dash went to flight camp with and no other real connection. Running into the other characters seemed especially rushed. Pinkie Pie being in Ponyville already doesn't make a whole lot of sense, she's still just a kid. Why is she already moving away from home? Fluttershy deciding to live with her mother is very rushed and not really explained why she wants to be with her instead of her dad. The way she says please as "pwease" is a bit too foalish for her, as she's gotta be a bit older than that if she's got her cutie mark. Also her mother being sick should've been more explained. Why is she sick? What does she have? Why does she have some random coltfriend? Why didn't Fluttershy's parents stay together? Everything is one word, though I guess you can write it as two. There are a good few spelling errors and grammar mistakes riddled throughout this thing.

I glad clouds are soft

should be I'm.

I took my belongs

belongings.

Posey picked up he daughter and lied her on the couch.

laid

"I love you to, but please take her as far away as you can. I can't bear for her to see me in this state."

too
And where was Fluttershy being taken to? She seemed to still be at her mother's when Rainbow Dash came by to see her. Who's the special somepony?

Fluffleshy? She never calls her that again. She's never called her that in the show either. The nickname Dashie is really only ever used by Pinkie Pie in the show. Herself is one word for sure. The romance between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seems way too forced. There should've been more to their first real conversation with each other, that too was way too rushed. Why are the exclamation points and question marks a space apart at the end of the sentences? You should've had a description saying Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash arrived at her house and found her mom passed out. It just has them saying bye to Pinkie and then just being home.

There are stories that can work in this length, but something involving how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash became friends should have a bit more detail to it. Everything is just way too rushed, with characters introduced and then just exiting with any real explanation. For a story that's about how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash met, you should've just made it about them and not included the others. That could've worked, but you should've had more buildup and not made the meetings so drive by.

2125128 Thank you for your help. I will try to fix the story the best I can. (The funny thing is I watched episode 23 right before I wrote this. )

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