Ponemurdered XIII: Fhtagn!
“…and that’s the whole sordid affair, darling.”
Twilight could only stare uncomprehendingly as Rarity finished her tale. Twilight had managed to teleport the both of them to the innards of Canterlot Palace, and at the moment were rushing through its many hallways while Rarity filled her in on everything that had transpired while she was unconscious.
“And that’s everything up to Star Octavia?” Twilight asked in disbelief. “Are you SURE?”
“Every word of it. Is it just not the juiciest gossip?”
“But its just sounds so ridiculous… the clowns and the three ring circus… and Pinkie Pie really being the daughter of-“ Twilight began, but leapt back with a scream. The vase in front of her exploded, and a familiar pink pony shook herself free of the debris.
“Don’t say his name!” Pinkie Pie shouted, pressing a hoof to Twilight’s lips. “Sorry, but you really don’t want to summon him here. Things would get really tentacally and you wouldn’t like that. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Ooo, now that would be really neat if you were!”
“But how… you were… we were just-“ Rarity stammered, just as surprised.
“No time!” Pinkie Pie shouted, as she grabbed the two mares and hurriedly dragged them along to the throne room. “You’re missing the best part!” A pair of great golden doors blocked their way. Pinkie Pie leaped into the air and kicked the doors open.
Immediately Twilight had to cover her ears. She could barely hear herself think.
Twilight Sparkle had once had the misfortune of taking a carriage ride into Canterlot. Enroute, a stray tomcat had dashed in front of the cart, only to be caught beneath the wheels. Twilight could never quite shake the memory of the sound it made as the cart passed over it.
Compared to what she was hearing now, the cat’s death was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard.
Princess Luna was wrecking havoc on a guitar, with four giant robots (three pony, one rabbit) serving as backup. Octavia and her tiny cello were absolutely dwarfed by the mecha rock band as they butchered notes and ruined the musical scale for future generations. The subwoofers embedded into each robot amplified the din a dozen times and shook the floor with its majesty. They were not playing their instruments so much as they were mangling them. Empty Glass, to his credit, was merely hitting the same keys over and over his electric keyboard. Red Herring’s robot, meanwhile, was banging its head repeatedly against the giant drum set. And over all of this, Octavia and Luna were screaming at each other.
Luna’s eyes narrowed angrily. “Pathetic gut stringer!”
“You’re like a donkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young!” Octavia shot back, drawing her bow across her strings.
“Yeah well you… you suck!” Halfpint shot back, smacking away on her bells with renewed fervor.
Twilight looked across and saw her teacher. Princess Celestia lounged on her throne, mid-sip into a bottle of wine. A pair of fuzzy pink earmuffs covered her ears.
“Oh good. You’ve finally showed up.” The princess said dryly, noticing that her student had entered. “My heroes are here to save me. Hurrah.” She took another sip of her bottle. “I’d offer you three a glass, but I’m nearly finished.”
“Princess, what are you going? What is all this?” Twilight shouted, eyeing the giant robots.
“This? This is me regretting my life choices.” Celestia groaned as her sister hit a particularly irritating note. “I’m reconsidering my taste in music. Since Rock and Classical are going to be ruined for me shortly, I’m pondering what’s left for me. Blues? Haygae? Polishkonik? I do hate the accordion.”
Rairty winced, her attention focused on the two mares at the center. “But what on earth are they going on about?”
“Well your mother-“
“Neigh! This thy mama who-“
Celestia’s eye twitched. “This is the royal custom of trash talking. Its… tradition.” Her voice was laden with distaste for that word. The princess rose from her throne, and took a headcount of those present. “We seem to be missing somepony,” she told Twilight.
Twilight could not meet her teacher’s eye. “Rainbow Dash she… she sacrificed herself so that we could escape.” Twilight whispered gravely. She looked up at her teacher with fresh tears in her eyes. “I never even got the chance to say goodbye.
“I see,” Celestia draped a snowy wing across Twilight’s back. Twilight buried her face against her teacher’s chest, her mere presence more soothing than any balm. The goddess brushed away the tears that were rolled down Twilight’s cheeks. “We will not forget her sacrifice. The name Rainbow Dart will live on in song and legend.”
A small frown crossed Twilight’s lips. “It’s Rainbow Dash.”
“Are you sure?” Celestia asked. Twilight gave a huff of indignation that was quickly silenced by her teacher. “Wait, never mind. It looks like that Traditional Trash Talk is coming to an end.”
“I could eat alphabet soup and excrement better lyrics than anything you could come up!”
“Hah! Thy father was a workhorse and thy mother a dirt licker! Now watch, as I rock thee straight back to thy farm!” Luna bawled with a manic grin.
She then lifted her guitar high in the air and smashed it against the stage. Five foot pylons of fire erupted in front of her as her guitar pieces went flying, and she flung her hooves out to the cellist. “Consume it, sucker!”
The music screeched to an abrupt halt. “Woah, what just happened?” Half Pint asked. She paused in realization, looking at the ruins of Luna’s guitar. “She knows she’s supposed to do that after the song is finished, right?”
“It doesn’t matter!” Red Herring’s voice crackled over his unit’s loudspeaker. His robot crushed the drumsticks in its grip. “We can still take the fight to her with these suits.” His robot struck a pose, preparing to fight. “Lunar Eclipse! Attack Formation! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
None of the other three machines so much as moved.
“For the love of… does anypony even know how to fight with these?” Empty Glass asked. The four pilots looked at each other, and raised a half-hearted hoof.
“We didn’t exactly have time to fully go over the manuals.” Decanter answered. Red Herring sighed and threw his hooves up.
“Princess, we’re just gonna stand here and offer moral support,” he muttered.
Celestia waved him off, sighing as she threw away the now empty bottle. “Awesome. Tell Fluttershy to stop hiding under my throne while you’re at it.”
“No need Tia. It is time to end this,” Luna said as she circled her foe.
Octavia smirked and drew her bow across her throat, eyes gleaming with triumph. “I agree. You have been a most wonderful audience, but the curtain must fall. I have a date with destiny after all.”
“No! The only destiny you will be seeing is defeat at my hooves.” Luna declared. “But to do it, I will have to break my sacred vow and use the special technique my sister taught me and then made me promise never to use!” Luna declared dramatically.
Twilight and Rarity gave Princess Celestia a level stare. She merely shrugged in response. “It was a seminar.”
Princess Luna flung off her support bands, turning her back on Octavia…
…and lifted her tail.
Octavia’s cheeks became suffused with pink, but her expression did not waver. “You think that mooning me will be enough to stop me?” she asked in disbelief.
The torchlight dimmed. Tendrils of mist creeped from her lips as the temperature suddenly plummeted around them. A low chuckle rumbled from the moon princess’s throat.
“Not at all,” the princess answered.
Then Luna began to chant.
“Ria eht ni knalf ruoy teg dna, Ynop pu tuhs, Rialf citamard dna, Rats a fo htaed eht htiw.“ The princess spoke quickly, her voice echoing across the room. Her hips swayed hypnotically with the flow of the words.
Every hair on Octavia’s body stood on edge. Her cello fell silent as her bow fell slack in her hooves. Her chest filled with dread. Whatever the princess was doing, it felt wrong.
A star in Luna’s tail turned dark and the pinpricks of light slowly began to drift towards it. The darkness spread across her tail, swallowing every star and celestial cloud it came into contact with.
“What have you done?” Octavia asked, “What sort of witchcraft is this?”
Luna looked back at her and smirked.
“A black hole.”
The darkness roared to life, ensnaring Octavia’s in her grip. The pony howled angrily as it drew her in, her hooves scraping for purchase against its power. “NO! It cannot end like this! I won’t let it!”
“Be gone foul enchantress!” Luna commanded, lifting her tail higher and aimed her dark hole at the mare. “You reign of terror has ended! We cast you out! Uoy kcams ll'I ro tuo teg hctib!”
With a final wail, the strings on Octavia’s chello snapped and the mare was pulled into the black hole, thrown forever into oblivion.
Twilight fell back onto her haunches. “Its over... its finally over…” she whispered breathily. They had done it. The ancient tomes were wrong and the prophecy would never come true. Octavia was gone and the black hole… was not shrinking.
Twilight’s eyes widened as the furniture in the room began to slide closer to Luna. She felt a tug on her own body, slowly growing stronger. Suddenly, Celestia’s throne was ripped from its dias and swallowed into Luna’s tail. A yellow pegasus swiftly followed its fate with a frightened ‘Meep!’
“Uh, sister. You might want to turn it off.”
Luna murmured another string of spells under her breath. A nearby window shattered, and its shards were sucked up into her tail.
“Like… now…” Celestia urged, a twinge of worry in her voice. “Now would be a good time, Luna.”
“Trying to rearrange the cosmos here!” Luna grunted. Her horn fired off spell after spell but the black void merely grew in size. Rarity gave a shriek as she was lifted off her feet, clutching onto a nearby curtain as she was pulled towards the princess.
Luna’s band, due to their proximity to her, were not so lucky. Their robots were immediately pulled off their hooves and sent flying. Half Pint managed to sink her rabbit bot’s teeth into the floor, temporarily pausing her descent. Her compatriots grabbed ahold of her and each other in a chain, leaving Glass Empty’s unit dangling inches from the breach.
Decanter’s unit kicked repeatedly at Glass Empty’s head. “Let go or we’ll all die!”
“I blame you!” Glass Empty moaned, as his robot’s grip tightened on her legs. “If I go down, we all go down!”
“Eject! Eject!” Halfpint repeatedly pressing buttons on her console, “Of all times for this thing to malfunction- eject you stupid mecha rabbit!”
Finally, gravity won over them. The robot’s teeth shattered, and as one, the chain of giant robots (and mecha rabbit) were reeled into the event horizon, slipping into the darkness.
Rarity screamed as the curtain ripped, and she fell into the vortex. “Remember me as I was!”
Pinkie Pie dashed after her. “Nopony wants to live forever!” the pony cheered, as she cannonballed into the tail. Now only Twilight was left, steadily slipping closer and closer to Luna’s tail.
“Princess, help me!” Twilight begged, reaching out to her teacher. “I don’t want to go! I have so much to live for!”
“Be brave Twilight!” Celestia urged, as she added her own magic to Luna’s. The roar of the void drowned out her voice. “Remember what I taught you. Use the Elements of Harmony! Have Rainbow Blast go inside and-“
Twilight never got the chance to hear the rest. With a scream, she was sucked into the black hole. A second later, the celestial body winked out, and Luna’s tail returned to its starry self.
“They’re gone…” Celestia whispered in horror to her sister. “They’re all gone.”
“Not gone,” Luna corrected her. “There is still hope, but it is up to them now.” The princess sighed and looked up from her tail. “Now they must look deep inside them for the strength to succeed, or all will be lost to the Strings.”
The two siblings shared a solemn look. Cuddles the rabbit twitched her nose.
“Want to see if there’s popsicles in the Royal Freezer?”
“Totally.”
When Rarity awoke, the first thing she noticed was the vast emptiness surrounding her. Nothing as far as her eyes could see. Only a sprinkling of stars broke up void in the far distance.
The next thing was that she could breathe. Rarity took in great breaths of the icy fresh air, not daring to question where it had came from. She knew there was no air in space, yet she dare not look a gift horse in the mouth.
Finally, she noticed the purple bubble that surrounded her, no doubt the only thing keeping the air in, and the purple unicorn who was holding the whole thing together. The four automatons drifted nearby and remained flickering with the last vestiges of their power.
“Who’s still alive?” Red Herring asked from his cockpit. A series of groans over the intercom confirmed his suspicions that everyone had pulled through more or less in one piece.
“Well, my controls are on fire,” Empty Glass said glumly. “So at least I won’t freeze to death.” There was a small ‘thud’ over the subwoofer. “Oh, and I found the manual.”
Pinkie and Fluttershy floated unconscious nearby, tethered together with Twilight’s magic. Rarity pushed herself off the edge of the bubble, coming to float nearby the unicorn.
“Twilight! I thought that was the end for us,” Rarity gasped in relief. The lack of ground beneath her hooves was unsettling. “Where are we? How are we supposed to get back to Canterlot?”
Twilight’s face was strained as she maintained the bubble around them. She pointed behind Rarity. “We have much bigger problems right now…”
A short distance away were millions of ponies, each composed of star stuff and holding a very familiar cello between her hooves. The horde of Star Octavias looked at the bubble’s inhabitants and spoke as one. “You will be assimilated into the Melody. All will resonate with Harmony.”
“Wake the rest of the girls up,” Twilight told her, “We have one final battle before this is over.”
Spoiler alert: There's not... I ATE THEM ALL!
Sooooo..... Luna's plot is a black hole?
Congratulations. You just made the basis for the next Luna clopfic.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Dawn Scroll, I don't blame you. If that was what I read, I would be confused too. Heck, it still doesn't make any sense before we got to this point. I broke my spleen from the mood whiplash.
*crickets*
I...I have no words for this. (Besides, you know, "Darn it Wanderer D")
My having no words isn't exactly a bad thing...but it's not a good thing either.
It's just kind of a...thing.
Sort of like this story.
Erm. Where's AJ?
Nahyou guys can blame D i blame the dude who write half a chapter with like no details
It was a valiant effort, good chaps. You held out against derailment for an honourable amount of time.
I would have loved to see the writers' faces as the read all the chapters before for the first time.
2857447
I would like to retract and extend my previous question. "How the hell did it get from Twilight Chainsaw Massacre to this?" is now woefully insufficient. That question is now somewhere in the realm of "How the hell did it start with Twilight Chainsaw Massacre, pass through the realm of a genuine adventure epic, and then with a straight face suck the mane six into Luna's plot?"
2857622 I know, it was getting so good too. The whole thing about how Octavia was being corrupted by the Star Bargain and that she was still "in their" and not evil that had just begun to be played on got thrown out the window... No. It got sucked into the plot hole.
Alternate last few chapters that revolve around the serious plot that was being made so well? Please?
(Preferably where Octavia survives... maybe?)
"Ria eht ni knalf ruoy teg dna, Ynop pu tuhs, Rialf citamard dna, Rats a fo htaed eht htiw" Translation: "With the death of a star, and dramatic flair, shut up pony, and get your flank in the air." (backwards words ftw:P) Oh and I loved the last one, "Uoy kcams ll'I ro tuo teg hctib!" Translation: Bitch! get out or i'll smack you!"
Not that this is even close to the first time I've ever said this, but Goddamnit, D
2857622
the answer to that is, as always: Wanderer D is the King of Crazy, and all shall fear his...whatever the hell he does
ynnuf saw ti tsael tA
Lock up your fanfics, Wanderer D is coming.
Why can I not stop laughing. I know how terrible it is that we descended into this. I know it's not your fault, And I realty wish Wanderer hadn't turned the story into this. By all accounts I should be upset and angry.
BUT THAT LINE IS FANTASTIC!
Huh.
Starstuff Octavia is BACK hctib's!
mildly altered, naturally.
I too, of course, blame D.
what
waht
awht
ahwt
hawt
There is something very wrong with this chapter.
This thy mama who
“I never even got the chance to say goodbye.
You reign of terror has ended
1. Tis. (Then again my olde English ain't that good)
2. Forgot you closing quotation mark.
3. Your.
First things first: WANDERER D, HOW COULD YOU! YOU DERAILED A MASTERPIECE OF AN ADVENTURE FIC WITH ONE CARELESS CHAPTER! WHY! WHY!
Now back to your regularly scheduled commenting...
This story is officially back in crazy land. Just when I thought we had a chance of making it to the end with a believable story, it all fell apart again. Oh well, I guess I can stick around for the laughs at least.
So...Luna's asshole....is a black hole?
she got a black asshole