Chapter 1
Bell, Book & Candle
Chapter 1
"Clover?"
His voice echoed in the darkness.
"Okay, Clover. Good one." A trickle of sweat ran down his neck as he laughed nervously. "Now can we get out of here?"
The only answer was the low groan of stones settling against one another. She'd had her fun, but this silence wasn't like her. Clover was always there with a joke whenever anypony fell for one of her pranks. Why not now, after that awful rockfall? Surely that had been her doing. Clover enjoyed nothing better than scaring him. For a few moments, Bellbray had been convinced the whole cave was collapsing.
"C'mon, Clover. This isn't funny anymore."
Was it possible that she had something more elaborate planned? Was she still waiting for the other horseshoe to drop? Bellbray shivered. The air seemed colder now, though he couldn't explain why. And... what was that? As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a fading magenta glow in the air, almost lost to sight. He turned back toward where the mouth of the cave had been, and found it silhouetted against a moonless midnight sky. A part of his mind registered that the entrance seemed further away than it had a few minutes before.
Bellbray scratched his mane and gave another nervous laugh. "Well, if you're not talking to me, then I'm heading back to the cottage." He attempted a light spell to help him pick his way through the dark cave, but his horn only flickered weakly. With a sigh, Bellbray released the spell. Creating light had never been much of a talent for him. Happily, the last traces of the magenta glow still clung to his hooves, giving him a rough idea of the ground around him.
He paced off the distance back to the entrance. It really was further away. Could the rockfall inside the cave have been caused by some sort of avalanche? No... An avalanche might have covered the entrance, but it couldn't have made the cave longer. I must be imagining it. The thought wasn't very reassuring. Maybe Clover had seen the rocks start to shift and galloped away to find help.
When he reached the mouth of the cave, Bellbray was so lost in thought he almost walked off the edge of a mountainside.
He leapt back with a yell. "Clov—!" The name died on his tongue. She had woken him in the night and brought him to a cave, but that cave had been at the base of a small cleft in the land, in sight of the old castle where they said the unicorn kings used to live generations ago. Bellbray took a tentative step toward the drop at the end of the cave, peering out at the surrounding landscape. The stars gave scant illumination, but there was no way to mistake this for the area around the old castle. Moreover, the land outside looked to be covered with a thick blanket of snow. Something was very wrong here. And whatever had happened, he couldn't believe Clover was the cause.
In the far distance, on the floor of the valley below, Bellbray could make out a faint glow. A village?
Momentarily, he turned back toward the cave's interior. "Clover!" he called, and waited in silence for any hint of reply. Could he hear breathing, out there somewhere? He paused for a minute, then another. No, there was no sound coming from the cave. It was as silent as... Best not finish that thought, he told himself with a shiver. Whatever had happened, Clover didn't seem to be here with him. That fact brought a sharp pain. He had hardly been parted from her in the month since their engagement. Now...
"Reason is oft left idle, lost between head and hoof." The voice of his mentor rang in Bellbray's mind. Whatever had happened, he wasn't going to figure it out standing in the mouth of this cave like a slack-jawed earth pony. If that really was a village he had seen on the valley floor, perhaps Bellbray could find some answers there. If not, he could always return to the cave on the morrow. Daylight might help him find clues to explain this misfortune, maybe even tell him where he was and how to get home to Clover and his studies.
That left the problem of being stuck halfway up the side of a mountain. Bellbray swallowed hard, pushing down his fear. He could see no clear path up to this cave. That meant using magic to get down from the mountain. His mouth drew into a line as he sat back on his haunches to consider the problem. Levitation spells weren't going to get him out of this; he was almost as bad with them as he was with light spells. Teleportation? "Unreliable over long distances!" his mentor's voice thundered in his head. But what choice did he have?
With a sudden smile, Bellbray clapped his hooves together. That ought to work. He hopped into the air and for a brief moment his horn glowed with a weak purple aura as a bubble of protective force appeared around him. Unfortunately for Bellbray, the floor of the cave wasn't completely level. The bubble in which he had suspended himself began rolling toward the mouth of the cave.
The idea of trusting his life to this force field while he careened down the mountainside didn't strike Bellbray as an appealing one, but he'd counted on having more time to focus on getting a teleportation spell right. He drew his lips tight as the bubble neared its long fall, and he could feel sweat beginning to stream down his face and neck. With eyes as big as teacups, he stared down at that glow of light on the valley floor. The bubble began to roll out of the cave, and a purple aura flared around Bellbray's horn as he activated the spell.
Pop!
He saw flashes of color and the facade of a small shop as he fell, dropping almost twelve feet to the ground. The protective bubble crashed into a thick blanket of snow and burst around him. Flakes scattered into the air and Bellbray shivered at the sudden cold of the snow, shaking his mane to dust himself off. Then something seemed to snag at his memory, and he turned to stare at the shop for a few moments. Its roof was shaped like a court jester's hat. Nearby, a larger shop looked to be roofed in horsehair. How is that even possible?
There were no lights in the windows of the jester's hat shop, nor in any of the other buildings behind it. He turned a slow circle. All of the houses and shops looked dark and empty – except for a tall, round building at the center of an open ring of snow-covered ground. It was lit up like a lantern, glowing from every window. Bellbray thought he could hear the sound of voices coming from inside. That glow had seemed so faint from the mountainside – he had been sure it couldn't belong to more than a village. Instead, it was a darkened town with only a single lit building. How strange. Had the place been abandoned?
A moment of panic stole over Bellbray. Ever since the rockfall in the cave, the world seemed to be getting stranger and stranger. His hooves froze up for a moment as he stared at the round structure, unable to move himself forward. What would he find in there? If there were residents in this place, would they even be ponies? The buildings around him looked nothing like the unicorn towns he knew. Nor like the structures he remembered from the few earth pony settlements he'd seen.
With a shake, Bellbray pulled himself out of his worries. "Reason is oft left idle," he muttered quietly, forcing one hoof in front of the other. He worked his way around to the building's entrance. It had a pair of tall magenta-painted doors. Working up his nerve, he grabbed the handle of one of the doors in his teeth and pulled it open, slipping inside.
Bellbray stopped dead in his tracks. The building was jam-packed with ponies – unicorns, yes, but pegasi and earth ponies too. He looked at the gathering in shock. Was this some sort of grand assemblage? No, the ponies here weren't dressed in their best, and all of their attention was turned to a raised platform at the front of the room where two unicorns, two pegasi, and two earth ponies seemed to be yelling at each other in loud voices. Or rather, three of them were yelling. The other three looked frightened more than anything else.
From the back of the crowd of ponies, a unicorn turned and hissed at him. "Shut the door! You're letting all the heat out!" Abashed, Bellbray turned and pulled the door closed behind him. It did seem much warmer in here than outside. Some sort of heat spell, maybe? He looked around the room, but everypony was watching the arguing ponies with rapt attention. A brown earth pony with a dark mane to match turned to look at Bellbray for a moment, his eyes narrowing, but just as quick he was back to watching the argument with the others.
Bellbray turned his own attention to the stage, stepping forward to get a better view.
A black pegasus stallion with a silver-white mane and a suit of black armor was pacing across the platform, shouting at a unicorn wearing a purple-and-white cloak. "Great. Now there's no way out! We're trapped!" Meanwhile, a mist of white confetti blew across the stage around them.
This must be some sort of play, Bellbray thought to himself. But I've never heard of an acting troupe with non-unicorn players before. How strange.
Now the unicorn in the cloak, an aquamarine-colored mare, was shouting back at the pegasus and an improbably-dressed purple earth pony with pink mane and green eyes. "You two deserve this horrible fate. You've done nothing but argue and fight with each other."
"You've been fighting, too, 'your highness'!" The voice of the black pegasus dripped with scorn.
"Yeah! Worse! I haven't been fighting nearly as much as you!" That from the purple earth pony with what looked to be a bowl of pudding balanced on her head. As she spoke, the light-blue glow of somepony's magic covered her hooves, and ice began creeping up her legs to freeze her in place. Now that he looked, Bellbray could see the same thing was happening to the pegasus stallion and the unicorn with the purple-and-white cloak. The three kept trading insults until, finally, they were encased in ice from head to toe, leaving the stage to the other three ponies.
As Bellbray watched, ice began to coat the stage as well – that was a clever-looking spell – and the three remaining ponies huddled together in fear. A low howling noise filled the room as white streamers and painted images of things that looked like monstrous white horses were made to dance several feet above the stage. One of the three, a pegasus with an ice-blue mane and a coat almost the same shade of lilac as Bellbray's own, looked up toward the ceiling and asked, "What is that... thing?"
The unicorn who responded was light-blue with a mane of blue and white. The mark on her flank looked suspiciously like an hourglass, but she wore a brown cloak which covered part of it. "They must be windigos. My mentor Star Swirl the Bearded taught me about them. They're winter spirits that feed off fighting and hatred. The more hate the spirit feels, the colder things become."
Bellbray found himself nodding along. Yes, he could remember his mentor telling him and Clover just that. Wherever this place was, the ponies here knew of Star Swirl the Bearded. That, at least, was a good sign. One of Star Swirl's first students must have come to this place, wherever it was, and spread word of his wisdom. Somepony would surely know the way back.
"Then this is our fault, we three tribes," said the earth pony of the three, a stallion with a caramel-colored coat and a brown mane. "We brought this blizzard to our home by fighting and not trusting each other. Now it's destroying this land too."
"And now our bodies will become as cold as our hearts," the unicorn replied. "All because we were foolish enough to hate."
The ice continued to creep across the stage, reaching out toward the hooves of the three ponies. The pegasus stared at it for a moment before turning back to the other two. "Well, I don't hate you. I actually hate Commander Hurricane a lot more than I hate you guys." That, with a meaningful look at the frozen pegasus with the silver-white mane. The earth pony and the unicorn laughed. "Actually, I don't really hate him – I just really, really, really, really, really dislike him."
All three laughed together this time. "Well, I don't hate you guys either," the earth pony declared. "Nor do I," the unicorn added.
The ice was beginning to encrust these three as well, but before it reached their heads, the earth pony said, "No matter what our differences, we're all ponies." And then they, too, were swallowed in ice – but only for a moment. The unicorn's blue horn flared to life and suddenly a blazing heart appeared in the air above them. The ice had vanished from the three, though it still covered much of the stage as well as the three ponies who had been arguing.
The three who had been freed from the ice stood stunned for a moment. Then breathlessly, the pegasus asked, "What was that?" The earth pony nodded his head vigorously. "I didn't know unicorns could do that."
"I didn't either. Nothing like this has ever happened before." The unicorn looked as mystified as she sounded. "But I know it couldn't have been just me. It came from all three of us, joined together – in friendship."
A tan mare with a very light-gray mane and the mark of a scroll on her flank ascended the stage while the three ponies began to pantomime. She looked out over the audience and, after a moment, began to narrate the rest of the story. "All through the night, the three ponies kept the Fire of Friendship alive by telling stories to one another, and by singing songs, which of course became the winter carols that we all still sing today. Eventually, the warmth of the fire, the singing and laughing, reached the leaders – and their bodies began to thaw." As if to match her words, the ice finally began receding around the three ponies who had been arguing, and all six joined in the pantomime. "And, it even began to melt their hearts."
A flare of light erupted above the stage, where the 'windigos' had been a minute earlier. It drew the attention of the six actors as well as every other pony in the room, but the narrator continued to speak. "The three leaders agreed to share the beautiful land, and live in harmony ever afterwards. And together, they named the new land..."
"Equestria!" All seven ponies on stage said the name together, along with most of the audience. There was a brief clang of bells, and then the ponies on stage began to sing. It appeared to be a song that everypony knew well, and the audience joined in without hesitation. It was a song completely unknown to Bellbray.
As the singing continued, Bellbray began to feel a deep unease. Something about the play nagged at him. This was all starting to feel very wrong. Even more than in the cave on the mountainside. He listened to the song for a few moments, but it only seemed to magnify his discomfort. Bellbray turned back toward the door, not sure where he wanted to go but eager to get away from the source of his unease.
Another pony was approaching him, however – the light-blue unicorn mare from the play. She was still wearing her costume, the simple brown cloak with a hood. She must have slipped offstage just as the song started. As the other ponies sang, she stepped toward him with a smile. "Hey stranger. I don't think I've seen you in Ponyville before. New here?"
"Y-yes, but... I think maybe I should be leaving now."
"So soon?" She looked disappointed, and shot a quick glance at somepony in the crowd. "But I haven't even learned your name."
"Bell... Bellbray," he replied, eyeing the magenta doors. He was so nervous, he didn't even care if she laughed at the name just then.
"Excellent!" Part of his mind registered the fact that she didn't laugh. She seemed oddly resolute. "Mine's Minuette. And you can't leave yet, not on Hearth's Warming Eve! I insist!" She looked past Bellbray for a moment and seemed to give somepony a tiny nod. "You can stay at my place tonight. If you don't have anywhere to go, that is."
Bellbray gave a nervous laugh. "Um. Thanks. Minuette." He swallowed hard. Well, he could hardly turn down an offer like that. He eyed her costume, looking for something else to talk about. "I didn't see all of it, but that looked like an excellent play."
"Oh, gosh! Thank you!" The mare beamed back at him, and for a moment she seemed much more candid. "I've never gotten to play in the pageant before, and I was sure this year Twilight Sparkle was going to get to play Clover the Clever, but she and her friends..."
Minuette kept talking, but the words became a drone for Bellbray. He felt like somepony had just smashed him over the head with a hammer. When he replied to her, his voice was very quiet. "Did you say 'Clover the Clever'? Student of Star Swirl the Bearded?"
The mare looked at him oddly. "Of course. Don't you know the story of Hearth's Warmi... Bellbray? Are you oka—"
Whatever else she had to say, Bellbray didn't hear it. He had fainted dead away.
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Intriguing.
I await further developments with great interest. I especially want to see what rules of time travel you use. Bit of a personal subject of fascination, that.
As an aside: where did you get the story image?
2067536
Bellbray courtesy of General Zoi's Pony Creator. I hear those things are somewhat frowned upon for story images, but my art skills really aren't up to snuff for drawing an OC pony. Spent a while trying, based on the how-to-draw pages of the Brony Coloring Book, but I'm still a long way from being able to produce anything attractive. The cutie mark was my own, though, which I'm still happy about. The background comes from the wonderful #MLP-VectorClub Backgrounds Collection.
Also, perhaps unsurprisingly, "It's About Time" was the primary inspiration for this story. Make of that what you will.
2067568
Well you did a wonderful job, given that you don't really know how to draw (I know the pain). But the pony creator is...damn. Some serious skill went into making it.
I had to play with it at least a bit. Here's Dotted:
i.imgur.com/3sUzsSa.png
Heh. Couldn't get him to be quite as shaggy and stubby as I hoped, but it works. Sort of. The necklace I had to clumsily copy-paste from elsewhere, obviously. As is quite clear, I couldn't draw to save my life.
Also, perhaps likewise unsurprisingly It's About Time is my favorite episode.
2067770
Also, given its description in the story, the necklace seems entirely appropriate as is. 
Dotted looks awesome!
Before reading: Is this based on the movie of the same name, which has a fairly incompatible premise to the mlp brand of magic, or the method of excommunication used on Robert the Pious*, or neither?
*Talk about ironic names...
2069182
Excommunication, all the way. Though obviously there's a bit of a magic connotation to the phrase, thanks to the play.
Well, to be fair, I'd heard the phrase before, I liked the sound of it, could see a way to use it, and knew Equestria had a canon history of turning some human cultural artifacts on their head. Then I followed up to see where the phrase originated and thought it was a reasonable way to go, given the predicament of the OC. Actually, I kind of enjoyed checking out Wikipedia's list of cultural references to the phrase.
After reading: Very nice. I'm excited to see where this goes. Methinks Bellbray is going to have a harsh lesson in racial tolerance before long.
2069236 Well... That just raises more questions. What use would excommunication have in MLP's cultural makeup? Do you mean the most literal and ancient sense of the word: estrangement? Don't answer. I'll wait for the answer in-story. Faved and liked.
Intriguing premise and well-constructed so far. Faving to track.
Okay, firstly, to anyone reading the comments to decide if they want to read the story: the premise is intriguing, the OC described in the synopsys is more interesting than the standard "loner pony OC wanders about angsting", and the premise has lot of potential in the world-building and culture-building departments.
Anyway. From a marketing point of view, I have to wonder if that synopses is selling the fic short. It doesn't tell us very much about who Bellbray is or why he might have an interesting story to tell. The reader is going to find this information out by the end of chapter one anyway, so I don't see the harm in putting in synopses. Chapter one still has a purpose, and that would be to expand on the premise and answer the hows.
2069571
Given the low initial view rate, I suspect you're right. You're absolutely right that I was trying not to give too much away, but that could well be burying the lede. I'll take another look at this when I have some time and see if I can make it more attractive. I like OC's for what they allow story-wise, but given Sturgeon's Law's apparent overapplicability to original characters in fanfiction, I've never had a particularly good idea of how to sell an OC story (short of trying to write it well enough that readers would be willing to recommend it to others). I'm also a little worried about the genre tagging, based on my outlining, but I don't see a lot of ways to fix that short of removing all genre tags.
In any case, thank you for the advice. It's very much appreciated.
2069852
This guide by Blueshift may interest you how-to-get-people-to-actually-read-your-stories. As for the question of what OC's can do, I'd turn that around and instead ask: "what is the awesome premise of my story that required me to invent an OC." Let's have a look at the description of "antipodes" by PK.
This is a great description. Its front-weighted in that the unique selling point of the story is nicely summarised in the first clause. In this way, we have enough information by the second clause to conclude that the OC's we are told about are "necessary."
SPOILER ALERT!!!
(
1.) Most questions rhetorical, because they are just to help you see what is going through my head as I read.
2.) I'm no English major.
3.) I am a bit more tired now than I usually am, so this may not be as coherent as it would otherwise be.
)
Clover was aways there with a joke whenever anypony fell for one of her pranks.
-always
For a few moments, Bellbray had been convinced the whole cave was collapsing.
-It probably was.
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a fading magenta glow in the air, almost lost to sight.
-Sunset, or Twilight's aura? I can't see Twilight starting a cave-in intentionally.
A part of his mind registered that the entrance seemed further away than it had a few minutes before.
-Is he passing out? I could be moving via Chrysalis's bubble spell (the one she used to send Twilight into the caves under Canterlot, but I doubt it. If he is, then either Twilight or Shining Armor is casting it probably.
Creating light had never been much of a talent for him.
-Interesting. Guess it isn't universal to be able to make strong light, despite weak light being a side-effect of most spellcasting.
Happily, the last traces of the magenta glow still clung to his hooves, giving him a rough idea of the ground around him.
-I didn't realize HE was glowing. Interesting.
It really was further away.
-Ok, I thought that it was moving further away, rather than merely being further away than when he last looked at it (he was knocked unconcious, right?). Did he get teleported by Twilight or Shining Armor or another unicorn with a purple color to their magic? The "move through rock bubble" spell is also still a possibility. Bet that isn't even the same entrance as the one he is comparing it to. Might not even be a cave that connects to the one he started in.
Bellbray was so lost in thought he almost walked off the edge of a mountainside.
-The cliff supports my guess about this being a different cave entrance, and the phrasing "a mountainside" makes it almost a sure thing.
in sight of the old castle where they said the unicorn kings used to live generations ago.
-Assuming this is NOT the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree. Also, it seems like he might have fallen asleep for a century or two. In any case, such a location would make sense for having odd magic laying around. The point about not being able to return home then could be that it would require a powerful time-travel spell (in which case it would probably be time magic, rather than stasis/sleep that would have fast-forwarded him).
but there was no way to mistake this for the area around the old castle.
-Well, the terrain COULD have changed over centuries, but this would tend to indicate that he is specially displaced, not chronologically.
Could he hear breating, out there somewhere?
-breathing
He had hardly been parted from her, in the month since their engagement.
-Ok, this makes a betrayal by her very unlikely. Which makes sense given that most authors don't like to make their summaries THAT misleading.
"Reason is oft left idle, lost between head and hoof." The voice of his mentor rang in Bellbray's mind.
-An intellectual then, which makes sense given the mystical nature of the title. Actually, I think the implements mentioned in the title are generally used for summoning or banishing demons. Was he banished like a demon? Was a demon summoned that is the only entity that would know how to get him back to where he was? Was he banished for trafficing with demons (or falsely thought to be so?)? That last seems unlikely given the set-up.
like a slack-jawed Earth pony.
-Bit of a racist is he? Maybe he is from before Hearth's Warming, or maybe soon after it? Or in the area that the three tribes left due to the Windigo-blizzard (and no time-travel/stasis is involved), and modern Equestria does not encompass all of the land that the three tribes controlled?
But what choice did he have?
-There are other options, but he might not have the chops for them. For instance, if he could cast both Twilight's cloud-walking spell, and Trixie's lightning-cloud summoning, and the clouds last long enough, he could build himself a sort of stair-case and jump down in segments. Scary, but possible. Failing that, some sort of "spider climb" spell that would allow his hooves to adhere to the slope without need of hoof-holds could work. There are many other possibilities I am sure. Also, interesting that "down the sharp slope" counts as a long distance. I guess most of Twilight's teleports are less than 50 feet and anything longer than that is a heroic act.
With a sudden smile, Bellbray clapped his hooves together. That ought to work.
-Third option it is. I wonder what you will come up with?
his horn glowed with a weak purple aura
-Ah, so it could have been his own magic his body (or at least hooves?) where glowing with. If he cast a "spider climb" spell and didn't remember it, that would explain how he got to the first cave more easily (or down a cliff in the cave that was part of his path to this other entrance). Maybe he fell part-way down a wall despite the spell and that is why he can't remember?
as a bubble of protective force appeared around him.
-Going to get down like a super-ball?
Unfortunately for Bellbray, the floor of the cave wasn't completely level.
-Going to roll out before he is ready?
but he'd counted on having more time to focus on getting a teleportation spell right.
-Ah, so the force-field was just so he could aim just above tree-height (or house height if he is trying to get into town, rather than just down the cliff), and have safety measure for appearing off-target in any direction? Of course, if ending up inside a solid object isn't a possibility with a teleport, it could just be in case he ends up in the air in the first place, rather than that being his point of aim.
With eyes as big as teacups,
Sorry, I just like to play the proportions of the ponies completely straight in my fanon.
-In other words MUCH smaller than they normally are?
He saw flashes of color and the facade of a small shop as he fell,
-Oh, so he isn't that far from the town? I thought it was off in the distance horizontally, and the vertical distance was negligible in comparison.
dropping almost five meters to the ground.
-Ok, I thought the drop was more than that.
The protective bubble crashed into a thick blanket of snow and burst around him.
-That would have helped cushion his fall, yes.
Its roof was shaped like a court jester's hat. Nearby, a larger shop looked to be roofed in horsehair.
-I don't THINK there are any cliffs with caves in them in Ponyville, but I could be wrong. The horsehair thing is also something I don't remember from the show. Conclusion: This isn't Ponyville, or if it is it is a different time-period than the show.
except for a tall, round building at the center of an open ring of snow-covered ground.
-Well, that sounds like Ponyville. Maybe the horsehair is a barber shop you invented? Perhaps where Snips' family lives?
It was lit up like a candle, glowing from every window.
-Consider "lantern", since candles don't have any interruptions in the light they shed?
That glow had seemed so faint from the mountainside - he had been sure it couldn't belong to more than a village.
-And this is where I realized that "Pop!" was the sound of him attempting the teleport in a hurry. Seems like I was right about the nature of the safety precaution. Maybe it is a standard technique that his mentor was waiting to see when he would figure out on his own? Also, this now seems like it could be Ponyville shown in the show. The horse-hair roof still seems odd though.
Instead, it was a darkened town with only a single lit building.
-Ah... maybe he got caught up in Celestia's banishing spell, and only returned to existence when Luna escaped?
The buildings around him looked nothing like the unicorn towns he knew. Nor like the structures he remembered from the few Earth pony settlements he'd seen.
-Time displacement looking very probable. Still could be spacial displacement from a unicorn-ruled country that isn't Equestria.
forcing one hoof in front of the other.
-Is he fighting fear, exhaustion, or what?
The building was jam-packed with ponies - unicorns, yes, but pegasi and Earth ponies too. He looked at the gathering in shock. Was this some sort of grand assemblage?
-Further evidence for extreme displacement in either time or space. I'm betting on time and him getting caught up in Luna's banishment. Maybe you will have his fiancee by a Lunar sympathizer? Sidenote: I REALLY don't like the idea of Luna having much if any support for her revolt. If she had, she wouldn't have had a motive for revolting in the first place.
No, the ponies here weren't dressed in their best,
-Interesting, given that this was something that Celestia was making an appearance at. I wonder who the arguing ponies could be? It can't be the EoH because they did their arguing back at the library, not city hall. Unless this is one or more years AFTER Nightmare Moon's escape and the SSC is being held in Ponyville again.
It did seem much warmer in here than outside. Some sort of heat spell, maybe?
-Sounds like a set-up for him eventually discovering that central heating exists (yet another argument for time-displacement). Of course, the SSC is held near the hottest day of the year... wait, no, it is winter, so this can't be the SSC. Maybe it is the opposite? The longest night of the year? If Equestrian holidays happen at the same times of year as their Earth counterparts, that would put it near Hearth's Warming, although I suspect this is a separate holiday for Luna to be recognized for raising the moon.
A brown Earth pony with a dark mane to match turned to look at Bellbray for a moment, his eyes narrowing,
-Doctor Whooves recognizing a fellow time-traveler (or at least time-displaced)?
but just as quick he was back to watching the argument with the others.
-And playing it off casually? Or maybe just annoyed about the draft.
A dark gray pegasus stallion with a silver-white mane and a suit of black armor was pacing across the platform, shouting at a unicorn wearing a purple-and-white cloak. "Great. Now there's no way out! We're trapped!"
-So, a night-guard (probably as seen in "Its About Time" rather than Luna's chauffeurs), and... a high-ranking day guard? Rarity? In any case, the idea of them being trapped is odd. Maybe the Windigos returned? Nothing trapping them is visible. Ideas about Shangra-La come to mind, but that seems unlikely.
Meanwhile, a mist of white confetti blew across the stage around them.
-Indicating that the disaster trapping them happened in the last few hours. If it weren't for the snow I would say that this is the SSC from the pilot episodes and Nightmare Moon sealed off the town. I suppose it COULD have gotten cold enough for snow without the sun, and the second-in-command of the weather patrol ordered snow to keep the buildings better insulated (yes, snow really works like that sometimes).
But I've never heard of an acting troupe with non-unicorn players before.
-Anywhere, or just in the unicorn lands he is from? I can't think of why they would be intrinsically better actors... actually I can. Both options are time-specific:
1.) Amplification spells are expected to be provided by the actors, rather than handled separately (perhaps via magitech like DJ-PON3's turntables).
2.) Unicorns were the leaders in such an "intellectual art".
Now the unicorn in the cloak, an aquamarine-colored mare,
-Trixie?
was shouting back at the pegasus and an improbably-dressed purple pony with pink mane and green eyes.
-Can't remember if Cheerilee has green eyes. Of course, the default assumption given the POV is that the purple pony would be a unicorn (but not Twilight).
"You've been fighting, too, 'your highness'!" The voice of the black pegasus dripped with scorn.
-Sounds like Windigoes then. Also, I didn't realize that the pegasus was black, thought it was just his armor.
That from the purple Earth pony with what looked to be a bowl of pudding balanced on her head.
-Ok, so... they aren't in a cave, and the leaders are unfrozen despite knowing what the danger is? I guess the play could be simplified on both those counts. Or maybe this was a return of the Windigos soon after their initial defeat by The Fires of Friendship? Which means that the "time travel" could be him being frozen by the Windigo-Winter.
As she spoke, the light-blue glow of somepony's magic covered her hooves, and ice began creeping up her legs to freeze her in place.
-So the play also got wrong the fact that the ice glowed?
The three kept trading insults until, finally, they were encased in ice from head to toe, leaving the stage to the other three ponies.
-Oh DUH... it is a modern Hearths-Warming Eve PLAY. That explains the magic glow, and the fact that there isn't a cave, and this is (almost certainly) Ponyville, which didn't even exist at that time.
low howling noise filled the room as white streamers and painted images of things that looked like monstrous white horses were made to dance a few meters above the stage.
-Ah! So the confetti was representing snow!
The mark on her flank looked suspiciously like an hourglass,
-Colgate/Minuette then...
Yes, he could remember his mentor telling he and Clover just that.
-Ah, so his fiancee is specifically Clover the Clever. Maybe he was shielded from The Fires of Friendship by the cave in, and it was only recently cleared and he thawed when the Fires of Friendship started to be lighted across Equestria? That would explain why we haven't seen the cave around Ponyville. I wonder if this is the same Hearth's Warming Eve that the Mane Six are in Canterlot performing? I also wonder if, as a pre-diarchal pony he will be interviewed vigorously by historians (or at least Twilight)? I mean the Diarchs have long memories, but they may fade with time, there may be no alicorns who were alive at that time, and besides, another account is always useful to a historian, simply because of differences in where they were and what they witnessed.
Somepony would surely know the way back.
-Well, yes and no... they aren't very good with time-travel spells.
"Then this is our fault, we three tribes," said the Earth pony of the three, a stallion with a caramel-colored coat and a brown mane.
-Interesting that the roles aren't genderlocked. Still, it makes sense. The originals may have even been mixed genders.
"No matter what our differences, we're all ponies."
-I wonder if Bellbray* will have a hard time adjusting to this comment, or even react strongly in his own mind to it even being said in a play?
*Does that mean "The bray of a bell"? Such that one might translate his name "BONG!"(No drug context)?
the fire of friendship
-Interesting this is not capitalized... then again it isn't even as unique as "The Olympic Flame" (which they keep a separate sample of in reserve to relight the torch if it malfunctions or is attacked or one of the runners trips or something).
This was all starting to feel very wrong.
-Catching on I see...
He listened to the song for a few moments, but it only seemed to magnify his discomfort.
-Because of the unity with "Dirty Earth Ponies" and "Featherdusters"? Or just because his subconscious is catching on?
Another pony was approaching him, however - the light-blue unicorn mare from the play.
-She would have had to hustle from the stage I would think...
He was so nervous, he didn't even care if she laughed at the name just then.
-He thinks of his name as being silly? Maybe I wasn't so far off with "BONG!".
and I was sure this year Twilight Sparkle was going to get to play Clover the Clever, but she and her friends...
-Are in Canterlot... right.
and I was sure this year Twilight Sparkle was going to get to play Clover the Clever, but she and her friends...
-Oh, yeah... didn't make the connection (have I mention I am even more tired than I usually am?). Yeah, that is going to be a harsh (or at least weird now, harsh later) revelation.
He had fainted dead away.
-Ok, so harsh now.
2070251
That. Was. AMAZINGLY. Helpful.
Thank you for helping me get some spelling errors and subpar word choices out of there. I'd read this numerous times, but unfortunately my usual beta skipped out on this story.
Thank you so much more for the step-by-step walkthrough. I haven't had access to that kind of feedback yet, so it's incredibly useful to be able to see what is and isn't connecting in the story right now. I'll have to sit down a little later and see if I can clean some of this up a little bit so it's clearer to the reader. My rule tends to be, everything that's unintentionally unclear is a problem. The fact that the teleportation wasn't immediately clear strikes me as a big problem. Same for not immediately recognizing it as Ponyville. (The hair-roofed shop appears in long shots of central square around the town hall, or at least the one I consulted, but choosing a more recognizable landmark would almost certainly improve that bit)
Anyway, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for some friends and I need to get back to it, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your comment. This is wonderful.
2070447
Yeah, mention him rushing the teleportation spell, then do the "Pop!".
I guess you could mention different/additional landmarks, but it actually doesn't strike me as critical, given the main character is VERY lost at the time.
Ghost called and I answered. This is quite the beginning you have here, let's see where it goes.
Good start, and very different from the Dash & Tank fic. Definitely looking forward to more.
Interesting. I will wait for more.
he could remember his mentor telling he and Clover
him and Clover (when a compound object contains a personal pronoun, the pronoun takes its usual Object form; see here, for example)
2096952
Thank you. I was unclear on exactly that point in writing that snippet, and was taking my best guess. Will try to remember for future use.
[youtube=gtOV7bp-gys]
You're missing an ending quote for this sentence.
This is quite good. Looking forward to more!