After a race, Spitfire decides to tell the new Wonderbolt recruit, Blaze, about her time at the Wonderbolt Academy.
Over the course of a few months, Spitfire recounts her experience at The Academy. Starting with her acceptance, and ending with her graduation, Spitfire tells Blaze about all of the memories she has of the old school.
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I'm assuming that the dragon rampaging was Spike, but it mentioned the changling attack already occured. Still I find it intriguing as to what will happen next
MOAR! Rainbow DEMANDS MOAR!
2038916
Woah! thanks for catching that. Lemme just edit that real quick.
[This is gonna be a multi-comment review... can't fit all the emoticons into one comment.]
So, jumping right in. Primary thoughts from just a glance, Rainbow?
: "Lots of dialogue, that's for sure. Lots of... short dialogue."
Not really a bad thing. Let's hop into it.
Chapter One
Woah, you ok!?
Wait, why?
Yeah.
Don't I know it.
Right, moving on...
I know what you mean. Usually, dialogue has some exclamation marks, conjoined words, speech that you'd hear from an actual person, like us. I dunno if Spitfire would actually talk like this, but it's been a while since the Wonderbolts came by...
It was in Manehatten, I'm not taking a damn train for six hours just to catch five pegasi flying around in the sky.
Nope, don't start, just ignore me and let's move on! The Wonderbolts are great!
Getting a sense of Talking Heads here...
: "You mean the case where dialogue doesn't have much action hooked to it?"
: "Why would somepony actually say 'sigh' in their head? That's something for narrative to cover."
Yeah. Just feels weird... and then there's Spitfire's thought line there.
Yep. Like this:
Anyway, yeah... that's how I'd write it. Moving along... to add to the issue I pointed out, actually.
Thus far, we've heard a lot of talking with barely any kind of narrative or environmental description. I'm sure this'll clear up in the future... I hope, but you really should be painting a scene for us. Right now, all I'm hearing are two voices talking to each other, and one of them sounds like Spitfire... and I can't even remember the sound of her voice...
Right, right... moving on.
Right, in order of the mistakes present... Grand Galloping Gala, missing space after the ellipsis in Spitfire's dialogue, missing the word 'the' between 'how' and 'Gala', 'that' rather than 'than' in Blaze's dialogue, 'More enthusiastic fans...' sounds like a question there, so question mark instead of a period, 'know' instead of 'known', or replace 'I've' with 'I', Sonic Rainboom needs caps as it's a proper noun for a well-known technique, and that's about it...
: "Yeah, she did run into me!"
Ohhh, Twilight told me how much you talk about that meeting... but anyway.
We're getting a lot more dead dialogue here. Give us some narrative! Put some actions to the characters! Even if they aren't really doing anything, you could add facial expressions after the dialogue lines to accentuate the words.
Probably gonna stop editing your writing, but give us some flavor!
: "Yeah! I like it when writing's tasty!"
: "Nevermindmovingon."
... What?
Hm?
Blaze's comment, you mean?
I think Spitfire's a bit tougher than that...
I get your point, no worries. But a gripe I've had up to this point, since the chapter's about to switch scenes...
The picture I get in my head is two clay heads talking to each other in a white room. One of the heads is just a blob with a mouth, while the other kiiinda looks like Spitfire, but not really. What you really need to do is lean back in your chair, stare up at the ceiling, and think. First, picture your two characters. Picturing them? Good. Turn them to face each other.
Then, get them to run through the dialogue. You should see little quirks appear on their faces and in their body language as the dialogue goes on. Writing is painting a picture for your reader, and it takes a lot of description and narrative to get it right. I'm not saying dialogue with no narrative is a horrible taboo, and that you should be burned at the stake for it; in fact, that kind of style is used for really quick arguments, kind of like the arguments between Tony Stark and Pepperpot in Iron Man (the first one, when they actually were talking over each other.) Animate them, describe the scene! There's still the white room issue, as well.
Before we actually move on to the Wonderbolts HQ, we have absolutely no description of where the two ponies are. Whatsoever. And we don't get any description of Blaze either, just a bunch of talkie lines that really serve no purpose other than to fall flat! Emotion, description, narration and characterization. That's what this story needs a lot of thus far.
Thank you, thank you... shall we move on?
Like here. We get some actual emotion! I like it that Spitfire actually caught Blaze not calling her Captain, then her 'drat' with Blaze's joke. It's fun! This story needs more fun!
Oh God...
: "That's bland, man! Steel, what'd the story just tell us?"
: "Color, structure, possible damage, uses, ponies walking around! Describe, describe, describe! This could easily be three paragraphs!"
: "You wouldn't even finish it, Steel. It'd be so long, you'd die of old age."
The HQ is a set of buildings. One for equipment, one for officers, one for rec room and mess hall. That's it.
Or, if I were writing it...
No! My writing isn't that good, and I'd cross the line into purple prose by the third paragraph. Anyway, this paragraph needs a lot more flavor. Picture the actual structure in your mind, and paint the picture for us as you see it. Walk through the HQ, wave to the passing officers and other ponies, see what the offices look like, the rec room, the mess hall, the storage area. Descriptionnnnn!
Oh, also 'latter', not 'later'. And 'Blaze', not 'Glaze'.
Oooooo! Years!
: "What's so impressive about that?"
: "Weird... but ok."
Well, it's a year. It means this author thought about how to establish a proper timeline in their story. I respect that.
*Sniff sniff*...
: "Get away from me."
: "Can we move on now?"
Not that kind of *sniff sniff*! The kind of *sniff sniff* someone does when they *sniff sniff* a tense change! But Spitfire's telling a story, so I'll let it slide... but this also feels like a scene change-based flashback...
Sure.
This happening right after the caps locked "YES YES YES!!!"
: *Leans away from Steel.* "That was a really high voice..."
: "My dad would probably destroy the roof with how high he'd jump..."
: "I can write this part better."
Sorry, been working on my impersonations... anyway! You'd think he'd sound more... excited, honestly.
Hehe.
Wow... that's actually really impressive!
: "Best flyer in Equestria, best author in Equestria."
: "Yeah, yeah, I'm great... but yeah. Give us some more emotion. Put a bit of humor into it! Her dad just heard her application got accepted for one of the most famous flying academies in the world! Like I said, my dad would destroy the roof with how much he'd be bouncing around!"
: "Sure. I've gotta focus more on what's going on, anyway..." *Takes a sip from her shot of AppleJack Daniels.*
: "Your private stock. We had a few bottles left over from the last riff."
: "As if you'd drink it all! I'd be burying you in a week if that was the case!"
: "Doesn't matter, I'll pay you back after this. C'mon, we've got a chapter to read."
Let's not go that far... but definitely good! *Pats Rainbow on the back.*
Shall we just carry on with the chapter and put up our final remark then?
Where'd you get that?
Ahhh, right... hey, stop taking from my stock!
I wouldn't be dead!
Right, right...
*Rainbow and Steel carry on to read the whole chapter.*
*Steel snorts a laugh.*
: "What?"
: "Heh."
You will wonder why you ever signed up for this... just another bit of charm.
... Isn't the Academy up in Cloudsdale?
: "No, it isn't actually. It's a mountain plateau West of Canterlot, surrounded by clouds. Perfect for training."
Ahhhh... makes sense then. Alright!
And so we end on the team heading off to Ponyville to fight a dragon. Fun!
: "Psh, yeah right. Fighting a dragon isn't fun, it's duty!"
: "Stacked with weather patrol duty, it's a rough life. Still, plenty of time to practice my stunts!"
: "Yeah, you and him don't really see eye to eye, do you?"
: "Alright, let's end it off."
Well yeah, you being one of the guardians of Equestria and one of the Element Bearers. Kind of your job.
Aye. You gonna be practicing later today? I've got the day off from Mr. Cake riding my back.
We work well together, I suppose. We do a lot of heavy lifting, just managing to run into each other when stress is running high.
Yeah, let's. You wanna do it, or should I?
Alright, let me give it to you straight here, Mr. Author. What you have here is a good concept really weighed down by bad execution. I'm not saying it's the worst execution I've ever seen, ho no, me and Steel have reviewed fictions that were barely legible. So don't let it get you down.
What you need to do is do what Steel suggested, and see each scene as a kind of movie in your head. All the little quirks, body movements, facial expressions, it'll all be pretty clear to you when you play the scene a few times. I can't really tell you how to make it easier on yourself, but just keep trying. Environments and narrative need a massive improvement; it's basically not there.
When Blaze and Spitfire are talking to each other, what're they doing? Are they looking at each other or the place they're in? How do their faces, mouths, eyes, eyebrows, even muzzles move? Legs, bodies, wings, tails? Do they scratch their manes or stand at attention? Do they address each other like a soldier in the Guard or like family? I won't touch on the actual characters made for this, since they're likely explained later in the story.
But with the two characters shown thus far, your OC, Blaze, has barely any description worth noting. We don't even know what she looks like after a whole chapter! And that causes a lot of issues.
Uhhh... let's see. The way I'd do it is start like you did. Dialogue, then we explain the scene, paint a nice picture... get some narrative going... maybe have Blaze comment on her looks, check herself, rub a sore muscle or two; she just had a race, right?
Oh, and you really need a proof reader, or to go through this fic on your own once or twice. I spotted quite a few mistakes in dialogue and narrative, as well as missing words here or there. Probably should've figured out where they were... but they're pretty obvious, don't worry about that.
Umm... what else?"
I think that's about it, but you're handling the end review. Carry on.
*Steel gets up from his chair and walks off to the back of the room, reaching behind the couch. He pulls a small pastry out of the plastic bag, carefully watching Rainbow as he eats; the last thing he needs is Rainbow figuring out where his secret sweets stash was...*
Worldbuilding is where you draw a picture of the world for everypony through words, and it extends, basically, to every world event you can think of, from diplomacy to civil wars to extra-terrestrial exploration. You're explaining the story world to everypony, and you wanna paint a good picture for that.
What you have here is barely any environmental description. Just like that... hoooo, JEEZE..."
*Rainbow shudders, biting her lip.*
I think that's about it... final score? I can't pin a score on this. But I do know there's something really interesting here! And I demand that you reach that interesting stuff! Do it! Rainbow Dash commands you!"
Crommrands? What are you, Spritfire?
Ohr crud!
*Steel quickly runs out of the house, taking his bag of pastries with him. Rainbow shoots out the top of the shack through a special trap door, stomach rumbling; that human still owed her for stealing her sandwich a week ago!*
Final Review: Good stuff, but needs a lot of description and TLC. Have a proof reader run over it as well. Tons of services out in the community for you to exploit, and with your attitude, they'd be more than happy to help you. There's a lot of promise in this fic, and though I and Rainbow didn't go over all the chapters, we saw enough to have us guessing what'd happen next!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try and sneak back to Twilight's, see if she can hide me from the Blue Menace...
~KillerSteel, Old Train Conductor, WRITE Reviewer.
~Rainbow Dash, Riffer, Reviewer, Best Flyer In Equestria.
Hm.
Not a bad set up so far. The informal setting and boot camp thing seem a touch contradictory to me...
But, not bad so far.
~Skeeter The Lurker