Grounded
Six
Rainbow Dash sucked in a large breath and let loose more air as a relaxing sensation filled her chest. She glided in the clouds gracefully as she headed up to where she had promised to start work—where else but high in the pure blue skies of Ponyville.
She pressed onto a nearest cloud and felt its puffy embrace, thinking back to the days when she napped on plenty of firm clouds, shrugging off her work just to chill out. Clouds were ten times better than beds in that their softness, their velvety fabric, could never be beaten.
Working in the skies; oh, how she missed this. It was a perfect reason to drift in the air and kick some clouds with her hindhooves. It was a stress reliever... unless she needed a break from her stress reliever and just lay in the clouds for a nap. But overall, she did enjoy her job—it wasn't the Wonderbolts, but it was better than nothing.
Today's assignment was a simple, clear, sunny day across most, if not all, of Ponyville. So there were plenty of clouds to buck. Rainbow was at the edge of town, close to the Carousel Boutique, enjoying laying back while waiting for the Pegasus who would be assigned to join her for today. Every once in a while, she'd give a good kick to a random, passerby cloud just for the heck of it.
“Well, well, look who finally came crawling back,” mused a voice behind her all of a sudden.
Rainbow Dash's head fidgeted, but if the pony was trying to surprise her, it wasn't much. Turning around and stretching up from her cloud nap, she saw Raindrops, a good friend and co-worker. Her arms crossed over her yellow coated chest, she breezed toward the brash Pegasus, flashing a grin her way. “'Bout time you came crawling back. Get tired of... well, wherever you were?” Her smirk faltered for a moment, but it came back.
Rainbow just shrugged. “Well, now I'm back,” she said simply. Even though they were nice friends, they weren't that close, so why was she immediately jumping into questions? It was already starting to get annoying.
“So where did you disappear off to?” Raindrops continued with a flicker of her tail. She was never one to just let things go, her curiosity too strong to fight away, apparently.
“Manehattan,” Dash answered with a quirked brow. “I just needed time to myself, that's all. It's not like I told anypony that I died or anything.”
“No, but still, you just, well, left. Not telling anyone. I asked your best friends, like Fluttershy and Twilight, and they had no idea why you left. What's up with that, Rainbow?” she asked, eyebrows narrowed.
Rainbow felt irritation rise in her chest. This wasn't the type of conversation she wanted here. Letting out a huff, she just said, “C'mon, Raindrops, why do you care about what I do with my life? It isn't like it matters to you or anything,” she grumbled.
The yellow Pegasus thought about that for a moment. “Well, yeah, but I can't help but be curious. So sue me.” But when she looked at Rainbow Dash, her sarcasm fell. Her mouth struggled to put on a true smile. “Sorry, okay? I just wanted to know some things—what's so wrong with that?”
The way the Pegasus dropped her interrogating position made the tension brush off of Rainbow Dash's hooves, but not entirely. Certain things still bugged her a bit. Why did she care? And why did these questions bother her so much? She could have told the truth and be fine with it; she already told her friends about it. Perhaps it was just because she wasn't as close with Raindrops like the other girls.
Rainbow shrugged. “Nothing. I just don't wanna talk 'bout it. Can't we just get these skies cleared already?” she asked impatiently, already drifting toward a nearby cloud. Her irritation pulsed into her backhooves, and when she bucked the cloud, it felt pretty good. There was relief in cloud kicking, so maybe this wouldn't be all that bad.
“Fine, then,” Raindrops gave up without much effort. She joined Dash in their job together and got a good amount of work done when Raindrops suddenly lost her focus.
At the sight of a nearby figure flying down their path, she stopped all movement and turned to Rainbow Dash. “I'll be real quick, promise. 'Sides, we're doing a pretty good job, so let's say we break.”
“You don't have to tell me twice,” Dash remarked, letting her shoulders sag in relief.
“Hey, Derpy!” She flew over to the gray Pegasus and waved for her attention.
The cross-eyed Pegasus blinked at her and stopped mid-air. She adjusted the mailbag that hung over her shoulder. She smiled at Raindrops, apparently not noticing the rainbow maned Pegasus; perhaps her eyes weren't finding Rainbow's at the time. “What's up, Raindrops? I don't wanna be mean, but I still have some more mail to deliver.”
“I was just wondering if you have a package I ordered?” she asked.
Derpy's disappointment fell and was clear as crystal on her face. Shifting her bag again, she responded, “Sorry, Raindrops. There's nothing in here for you today.”
“Gah, I've been waiting for forever! And my cousin's birthday is, like, two days away!” Raindrops groaned melodramatically, her arms drooping to her sides.
“How long?” Rainbow Dash questioned.
“Like, five days!” exclaimed Raindrops, hooves outstretched.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. Then her eyes fell over to Derpy, who had realized who the pony was that joined their conversation. It didn't take long for those large, strange eyes to widen at recognition of an old friend. Rainbow Dash smiled at her weakly; Derpy was among the friends she missed when she left, so it was great to see her again.
“Rainbow Dash!” squealed Derpy, zooming toward her in a gray blur. “It's so good to see you. It's been so long since we've seen you.” She hugged Rainbow Dash tightly.
Dash hugged her back. “Good to see ya, too, Derpy. How's things going with you?” she added when they parted.
“Oh, fine. Dinky got her Cutie Mark a few years ago. She's been working a lot on her magic; I just wish I could help her,” she muttered a bit sadly.
That hit right home, and Rainbow Dash nodded absentmindedly. With her being a Pegasus and Cobalt Streak being an earth pony, there were obstacles that often reminded them of this difference—especially Rainbow's cloud house. She wanted to tell Derpy that she understood what she felt, but obviously, that would bring up questions, so she waited. Seeing Derpy's saddened face, she wanted to reach out a hoof, but what could she say—that wouldn't start up a whole new conversation?
But then Derpy perked up a bit. “But I should be asking you that! You moved away, and it's a shame we didn't get to see each other before you left out of nowhere. How have you been?”
That was something Rainbow Dash loved and disliked about Derpy. She never started any arguments or tried to make you feel bad, but the way she stated things often made you feel bad just a bit. Rainbow's smile fell a bit, but she perked it back up in time before Derpy asked anything. “I was... pretty busy in Manehattan.” She shrugged any other words away.
“Why Manehattan? That doesn't really sound like a place you'd like to stay at for too long,” Derpy giggled.
“Well, I did start out in Cloudsdale, but stuff happens, so...” Rainbow's voice drifted off. Unlike Raindrops, Derpy was one of her closest foalhood friends. Even as they drifted apart as they grew older, they still maintained a strong friendship. She was one of the ponies she hated leaving behind. So keeping secrets from a best foalhood friend just seemed so wrong to her. And quite frankly, Dash was tired of keeping the secret.
“Can I tell you something?”
Derpy's ears flinched upward. “Yeah, what's wrong, Dash?” she asked, noting Rainbow's low tone.
“I, uh, I left because I... I had a child. Like, over five years ago. That's why I went to Manehattan,” she answered, avoiding eye-contact with Derpy.
Derpy's face immediately lit, her wings fluttering at a faster pace, and this earned Dash’s attention again. She placed her arms back around Rainbow Dash in yet another hug, but tighter. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, I'm so proud of you! What's your kid like? What's his—or, um, is he a her? What's, uh, their name?” she asked in a flurry right in her ear.
Rainbow fell back, caught off guard by the hug but again took it, though this time a bit slowly. Like Fluttershy, their hugs and expressions both showed high praise for their friend. Their smiles looked true, though something about Fluttershy's showed a hint of pain; she just hadn't figured out why yet. Derpy, though, didn't seem to have a single problem with it.
She decided to let this go for now and went with one of her questions, hoping to clarify one thing. “His name is Cobalt Streak. He's a pretty awesome kid, except when he's a hoofful,” she added in a grumble.
“Well, kid's can be trouble,” Derpy said knowingly with a smirk. “If they were easy, it would be too boring, actually.”
Rainbow Dash ignored that, not exactly agreeing with that. She decided to get onto another subject, one bugging her mind as soon as Derpy responded to her little announce. “You... don't care that I just, ya know, left without telling any of my friends, like you?”
Derpy shrugged. “It's none of my business what you do, you know? You didn't even have to tell me if you didn't want to—”
“But I did!” Rainbow interrupted.
“I'm just happy you're back,” she continued as if Dash hadn't tried to cut her off. Her smile widened.
Rainbow Dash only wished some of her friends thought that way. But Derpy was different. She was an optimist, somepony who, if you made her mad, you know you did something beyond horrible. The smile on Derpy's face made Dash feel that this decision of going back wasn't as bad as she thought. The drama that already occurred, especially last week at the dinner, was annoying.
However, it was also reality. Derpy's reaction showed her cheerful, loving side, but she never thought of anypony badly unless they committed a truly horrid crime. She could have been with Derpy the entire time upon her return, but instead, she dealt with questions that summarized the problems in her leaving for Manhattan all those years ago.
That doesn't mean Rainbow Dash wasn't thankful for Derpy's kind words. “Thanks. That, uh, means a lot to me,” she mumbled under her breath, though loudly enough for Derpy to catch. She glanced down at her fronthooves as she said this.
Derpy just nodded. “Sure! If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, just come visit me, 'kay?” she asked, placing a hoof on Rainbow Dash's shoulder.
Rainbow thought about that for a moment, slowly nodding back. Derpy was a genuine mare, someone who wouldn't just say that. She was a listener for friends, there for those who needed it. Maybe she could be the pony she could talk to about...
Looking at the clock in the far distance, she barely saw the time, but she hissed under her breath. She was caught off guard by this. “Shit! I'm late,” she said with a frown toward the clock tower, which told her she was already five minutes late to get Cobalt from school. She waved at Derpy, her hoof a blue blur, and she said quickly, “Gottagobye!” and raced to the school.
Derpy blinked but did not get a chance to say anything. Rainbow Dash soared through the air. She did not want her son waiting for her for a second.
However, her eyes caught a group of teenaged ponies she was very familiar with. She stopped just for a moment to glance at an orange coated filly that walked with her friends—or better yet, flew, just above their heads. The butterfly on her flank showed how she earned exactly what she and her friends deserved—their Cutie Marks.
Scootaloo.
Her heart sank when that name came to her. She forgot just how many friends she left behind, until today. Derpy, Raindrops, now this little filly, a mere fangirl who became like a true sister to her. And for a long time, she kept that promise. They would hang out, eat, practice flying, and maybe a prank or two—or more.
She promised long ago to watch over her, like a sister. And look at her now, having broken her promise. She grimaced at herself. While Scootaloo looked like she was handling things on her own, that didn't mean that if Rainbow Dash flew up to her now, there wouldn't be any tension. She imagined the filly's eyes hardening and her getting angry at her. Dash didn't want that, but she knew something like that would happen.
She felt pretty bad; she could have been an awesome sister. Rainbow, honestly, kind of always wanted to be one. It seemed like fun. So when Scootaloo announced just how devoted of a fan she was of her, she took her in her wing. She didn't see a problem with it.
Now that she ran away, though, the problem was high in the air. Pursing her lips, she wanted to go over to the Pegasus, finally flying and finally with her Cutie Mark, and remark at how proud she felt. She wanted to hang out with Scootaloo and maybe see just how well she was at flying; a test flight ought to have been fun.
But not now. She wasn't ready. She still had many things to look over and fix as it was. Adding onto it wouldn't help anything. With a nod to herself at this decision, promising to see her again someday, she flew away with a smile. Another thing to add onto the list, but she knew she could work it out... somehow.
She appeared at the school in a hurry. Cobalt Streak was standing by the school doors with one Pegasus colt. Her smile grew at the sight of her son, a part of her that made everything fine. Even from afar, she could tell he was enjoying himself, laughing at a joke the colt made.
As Dash descended, Cobalt's eyes rose and caught the trail of light blue and rainbow. Beaming, his face and rose eyes lit up. He pulled away from the other colt immediately and ran forward to meet up with his mother.
Her wings' fluttering slowing, she landed on the ground before her son, grinning. “Hey, Cobalt, time to go home.”
Cobalt just nodded. “Okay.” He waved to the colt and jumped onto his mother's back. Stretching out her wings once, she fluttered them to rise up. He tightened his grip, but she did not feel any fear in his grasp. They soared in the air together, and they let the beauty of the winds and cool air speak for a minute rather than saying anything themselves.
“So, how was it?” she asked to spark a conversation.
He hesitated. “Okay,” he repeated. His tone was low, sad, but he was trying to hide it. And by trying, that meant miserably failing.
“Hey, what's wrong, kid? You're not allowed to be sad around me,” she said, hoping to get a chuckle in, but her lips pouted when she realized that wouldn't work this time. She laughed weakly, adding, “C'mon, you can tell me?”
“I don't like our cloud house,” Cobalt murmured, his ears sagging.
Rainbow Dash's face fell. “But at least Twilight uses a spell for you to walk around it, so it's not that bad, right?” she said weakly.
“I don't like it 'cause whenever I wanna go out, I hafta wait for you to just let me go on the ground, and it's-it's so silly!” he complained with a crack in his voice.
Dash nodded. That was something that had crossed her mind with this. Even though her house wasn't that high in the air, a single step off the clouds could not be a pretty cause and effect. She didn't know where to go with that, though. She couldn't find a place to stay yet, and she didn't want to stay at her friend's. She wanted to get through this on her own. And she would. “Alright, I'll... I'll think of something.”
The sun was crisp and bright as it reflected in the mountains and clouds, and they flew home together.
Chapter 7 will have a lot in store, huh?
So... are you saying 7 is the best number?
Nice chapter, by the way! Can't wait for Chapter [insert best number here]!
2163501
We're gonna throw pork chops at him?
2189323 Or steak. You may pick either, if you wish.
2189237 Well, kinda. But it's where the story starts picking up a bit. I always found 3 to be the best number, but I'll say 7 is 2nd--if that makes sense. :P
Moar?
2189396 THREE?! Alright, I need to give 3 a piece of my mind. Be right back!
will ch 7 have a scootaloo dash reaction scene?
DERPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs* I love you so much right now and feel so disappointed for Scootaloo damn, that's got to be bucked up. I have a feeling you took a bit of Raindrops personailty from Betrayal of a dragon But I could be wrong, damn, I love this story you are amazing.
2189696 I still have yet to add Scootaloo in this story except for that bit, for it's not really about her and Rainbow's relationship at all; that was just there to clarify that there are many things Rainbow Dash has to figure out now that she's home. If anything, I might add a one-shot side story of it in the future--right now, though, there are many other things I want to go through in this story that isn't Scootaloo.
2189511 You WILL get more--this I swear!
2189872 *hugs back* I'm glad you like it! Honestly, I had in Raindrops before she appeared in Betrayal of a Dragon, but perhaps when I went through the finishing touches, part of that probably snuck in there, hah!
2189981 Loved it with all my heart, I'm a HUGE fan of Derpy....and that does make a lot of sense,I love Rain's way of bluting talking, she's aweome
Oh shit scootaloo gonna wail on rainbow dash next chapter
2190659 Read my previous comment about Scootaloo being in this story.
Like I said, I will probably just add a side-story one shot or something in the near future, but other than that, she won't be much here.
2194182 Oh, the spell's permanent? While I know of which one you're talking about, this, I did not know. Well, I just fixed that up near the end. Thank you.
2194182>>2194492
Wait, permanent?
Unless this is brought up again elsewhere, I'm unaware of a time when Twilight says how long the spell lasts. Not saying it isn't permanent, but I wouldn't conclude that it is, either.
Hi there! I'm Scribblestick, here on behalf of WRITE to give you constructive feedback and whatnot. While I'd love to do a full review of the whole story, time constraints make it difficult, so I'll focus mostly on the first chapter. Let's get started, shall we?
-First Impressions-
I don't have a lot to say about the cover (image, description, etc.) The image is good, the description is good, and the tags tell me what I need to know. The phrasing of the second sentence seems a touch off to me, but it's not a big deal. Also, it's a little confusing to me that you use both the Rainbow Dash and Mane Six character tags, but that's just a nitpick. I really like how you explained the difficulty of categorizing this story, since it clarifies any confusion your readers might have.
-The Story-
I can see why people want more of this. The pacing, while a bit on the slow side, does a good job of building the suspense and mystery. I like how you avoid naming names as long as possible. Even though I know who the characters are by their descriptions alone, avoiding their names adds to the mystery, and the slow reveal works well building up to the revelation that Dash has a child. It was a satisfying payoff for me that still left me with more questions that needed answering. Who's the father? Why did she think he had to leave her home and friends behind for this? It's this desire to know more that makes me want to keep reading.
That being said, there were a few places I got confused as to who was doing what. The biggest one was when Dash ran home. In the paragraph that starts "Finally, the mare on the other side of the street lost her patience as well as the game," I was a little lost as to who was doing what. Also, I'm not sure if you meant for Dash's identity to be hidden, but if you did, the cover image kind of spoils the mystery. It's certainly not a deal breaker by any means, but I thought I'd mention it.
The first few paragraphs were a bit too abstract for me, but that may just be a personal preference.
Finally, some of your phrasing just seemed a touch unusual, much like the sentence I highlighted from your description. It wasn't a big deal, but it was enough to pull me out of the story a little. I'm not really sure how to fix it, or even if it needs to be fixed. It could just be me. The only suggestion I have is to read lots of other stories, since phrasing is something I think is easier to pick up through exposure than learn through lectures.
-Final Thoughts-
Overall, I found the story intriguing enough for me to want to read the next chapter, which is always a good sign. I thought you had great buildup and a satisfying payoff that still left me wanting more. The only real issues I saw were the slightly odd phrasing and the abstract opening, and again, those may be more of a matter of preference than good/bad writing.
Well, that's it for this review. Chances are I'll write more when I get the chance to keep reading. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me or the folks at WRITE. Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer
2223995 Thank you so much. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I guess the spoiler of the image makes it obvious for who the character is from the beginning, not to mention the character tag (which I added alongside the Mane Six just for the sake of making it aware who the main character is). But since the reveal goes into half of the chapter, I didn't think it'd matter. Plus, I had no idea what would work for cover images, so... *shrugs*
I'll take the phrasing of sentences into consideration. I've had people note that in other stories I've had, so that's probably one of my biggest problems in writing overall. That's why I requested for the WRITE's reviewers, after all. I always appreciate feedback and any criticism to make it better. If there's ever anything else you need to say when you read other chapters (because I did say it wasn't required to read them all), I'd love to hear it.
I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting. It's late and I've got other things to see to, so I'm just giving you a quick and sloppy one. I apologize if it seems to be a bit crappy. I can come back later and write you a good one if you want me to.
Review: START!
I like this story quite a lot. It is certainly solidly put together. The characters and concepts are interesting, although it is somewhat let down by the execution.
Your characterization, except for the excuse which sets up the whole plot, is quite good. I definitely feel all the personalities of the characters as if they are genuinely unique individuals. It is commendable that you avoided exaggerating any of their characteristics, instead reigning in some of their more extreme traits and filing them down. The result is that it feels as if time really as has passed for the characters. They seem older and more mature. However, you also managed to retain the core defining characteristics which make them who they are. The result is that the characters take actions and say things which make sense for them. In particular, you did a great job of making Rainbow Dash. For example, she still has aspirations, but her loyalty to her son made her surrender them. She still has that daredevil streak in her, but she is now very much the caring mother trying to be a responsible adult, a role she is not wholly thrilled or comfortable with playing. I also like Cobalt. You did a good job on the OC, especially for a child OC who behaves like a child. The relationship between Cobalt and Rainbow Dash was a brilliant choice of thing to use as the cornerstone around which this fan fiction would be written.
Your dialogue is fine. It's not the best dialogue that I've ever read, nor is it the most memorable, but it serves it purpose. Your story is rich with dialogue. You do a fantastic job of enhancing its effect by adding in body language, descriptors, details about their surroundings, and so on. I feel as if I could walk into the next room and see Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash having coffee. If I do have any complaints about it though, it's that it can sometimes become a little too rich and talky. Looks and silences can mean just as much as a discussion.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
If this fic has any problems, then its chief one is that its premise is wholly impossible unless a very significant core part of Rainbow Dash's character is ignored. I can't think of any reason as to why she would abandon her friends. It just doesn't make sense, unless there's something you're not telling us about, but you ought to foreshadow or imply it instead of just evading the issue entirely. Otherwise, it gives the feeling that you're praying that we're not paying attention.
The grammar and mechanics in your fic are very good. Other than the occasional fail with punctuation, spelling, or diction, the only issues are occasional awkwardness. It's nothing that can't be fixed quickly and painlessly.
Your narrative could flow somewhat more rapidly. As it stands, the pace is sluggish, but not glacial. I am also noticing a lack of strong central conflict. Yes, I do know that this is a slice of life story, but I find myself running out of reasons to care. Even though you do a very good job of telling stories about daily life, I'm not seeing a point to any of it. You're in by over 10,000 words. There ought to be some sort of central crux to the story by this point. If not, then one ought to emerge soon. I really can't find any main theme or story arc. It's just thing after thing, which doesn't really translate well into longevity. Eventually, the readers and just going to get bored and leave unless they have a reason to stay. There are hints of conflicts, but since your protagonist refuses to engage them, the feeling is that we're missing out on something very interesting. The history and relationship between Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo is one that I would very much like to see done. I also would like to know what is the identity of Cobalt's father. You can foreshadow or hint at such things, but waving them tantalizingly in front of our faces like that without even pursuing them is just plain cruel and frustrating. If you are not going to provide answers, then at least don't totally brush such things aside. You can bide your time, but there is no reason as to why you cannot get moving on any of those pretty early on.
These are things you have done well.
I must declare that you have done a stellar job with nailing the essence of the slice of life story. You manage to make us care about the daily activities and struggles of a plebeian. That is testament to a strong grasp of storytelling and characterization. To a certain degree, the lack of a central conflict can be forgiven. However, I can't help but get the feeling that you are trying to tell a story set up around evading conflict. That doesn't work too well since we don't know or understand why such things have to be avoided.
Truthfully, you did most things quite well in this fic. Assume that if I don't mention it as being unusually bad, then you did at least an okay job on it. I quite like your story and want to read more. However, the story's seeming refusal to get moving can be aggravating, especially when interesting conflicts and plot points are kept just out of reach by what seems to be either willfulness to tease, or possibly carelessness.
You win a solid 4/5 flutteryays.
P.S.: Would you believe that WRITE never got back to me on my application, which I sent in more than a month ago?
2259087 Your review very much made my day, for the most part. I greatly appreciated your compliments for it, while your criticisms are seriously considered. While in real life, I cannot admit I make mistakes if my life depends on it, with my stories, I somehow take it very easily... though I try to excuse myself from it. With that, I will say some things about what you had to say:
Aaaaand that's why I want to get in chapter seven as soon as possible--if only I wasn't so busy this week. Chapter seven does begin a small arc, however small, but it still moves the story along a bit. Perhaps I'm just trying to set up the characters and such, and I had chapter six to let the story breathe, but according to your thoughts, it maybe wasn't necessary. Oh, well. And maybe I'm trying too hard to keep things secret for the sake of wanting people to be wondering and want more, I'm willing to admit. But like I said, there's a lot of set up going on in the next chapter.
Rainbow Dash's reason for leaving is... complicated to explain. I'm trying to get to an explanation of sorts somewhere in the future, as quick as possible. But to force it in a chapter when it doesn't connect, that's hard (maybe it could have been done in chapter six. If only I consider this weeks ago, it could have worked). However, if that's one thing that took me a while to think about before publishing this is that exactly. It seems very OOC for Dash, that am I aware of, but I'm trying to make it work the best I can.
I just want to say real quick that, if I can somehow get in Scootaloo in this story, I'd do it. Considering some people wanting so, and how it is in my mind, I'll definitely consider it.
Thanks very much for your time. It wasn't at all sloppy, so only come back it you seriously want to. heh. It was a great review with some points that I'm wiling to make are completely true. It has mistakes, like every story does, but future chapters will hopefully make up for it.
2189511 Hoh Mah Gerd you read all the same stories I do!
“Well, kid's can be trouble,”
kids