• Published 23rd Jan 2013
  • 2,001 Views, 192 Comments

Doing Science - dashie76



You're not safe In this place All of us warned you of the big white face

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Chapter 1

May 3rd, 2010

Um...

So...hi?

Erm...my day's been...good...

Hey...uh, boss? Is this right? I just, like, say whatever?

Okay, Mr. Johnson.

So...I guess this is right. Kinda awkward, though.

But I'm so lucky I got this job! Aperture Science is the innovative force for the future! It's truly the pinnacle of modern scientific research. To start with, I'll go over its history!

Aperture Science was founded by...

...

Okay, good. Cave's gone. I can speak for real now.

Honestly? It doesn't make any sense that I was sent here. This facility is stinky, everyone here is sarcastic, and my friends are all back in-

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I guess I should tell you who I am first.

My name is Rainbow Dash. I'm the coolest, most awesome pony that's ever lived! Someday I'm going to join the coolest, most awesome flying team that's ever lived: The Wonderbolts!

I'm a pegasus pony that lives in the land of Equestria. I also represent one of the six Elements of Harmony - Loyalty. I live with my five best friends in the world in P-

...

I used to live in Ponyville with them.

Agh...Ponyville. I'd always wanted the bustling Canterlot city life, but when I went to that little country town, everything changed. The scenery was gorgeous with exotic flowers everywhere, the ponies there are the nicest I know, and the wildlife is adorable. The Everfree Forest...err, yeah. Not so much.

Anyways, that's where I met my five friends. I'd known four of them just from walking around the place, but Twilight was really the one who brought us all together in the beginning. Y'see, she's Celestia's prime student. With her kind of magical talent, she couldn't have been anything less, although she can be a bit of an egghead at times. But even still, she's pretty cool. I've seen her face off against a horrible Ursa Minor from the Everfree Forest and win. Win! She had no idea how cool she looked...

...Err...never mind. Back to story.

So, being Celestia's student, she was sent away to Ponyville to help us prepare for that year's Summer Sun Celebration. It's an annual celebration where one town in Equestria hosts it and everypony there stays up the whole night and watches Princess Celestia raise the sun. It's always reminded me of New Year's a bit since everypony stays up until the crack of dawn to party.

Anyways, the six of us all met together for the first time as a group when Pinkie Pie - our friendly neighborhood party animal - threw Twi a welcome party at the library where she'd be staying. I've already told you all how awesome I am, though. Let's talk about my friends.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Each one of my friends is an Element of Harmony, just like me.

So, first off there's Applejack. She's an incredibly strong earth pony and probably the only one who could give me a run for my money in a footrace. She lives at Sweet Apple Acres on the outskirts of Ponyville with her little sister Applebloom, her big brother Big Macintosh, and her Granny Smith. Hooray for puns. She's also one of the most truthful ponies around. Always gives it to ya straight. So she's the Element of Honesty.

Next off is Pinkie Pie. I've already told you a bit about her. Saying that Pinkie Pie loves to throw parties is probably the understatement of the century. Her cutie mark is balloons, for Celestia's sake! Her lot in life is literally to throw parties and make all of the ponies around her happy! Her parties are probably the best around, with dancing, games, ice cream, and tons more! So it makes sense that she would be the Element of Laughter.

Next is Fluttershy. I actually have a bit of a different sort of friendship with her, since I first met her-

Honestly, Aperture Science is just great! You wouldn't believe how awesome it is to work here! Black Mesa doesn't stand a chance in the portal race! It's the greatest job ever! In fact, it's so great that its greatness is...

...I really wish Cave would knock before he comes in...

So like I was saying, I've known Fluttershy for a longer amount of time than my other friends since we went to Junior Speedsters' Flight Camp in Cloudsdale together. She's always been very soft spoken. Like, really soft spoken. Seriously. As in you have to strain your eardrums and refrain from breathing to even hear. So her name is pretty fitting that way. But we're her friends, so she opens up to us more. But she's not always shy. Sometimes she gets pretty scary. Once, I saw her talk down a horrible manticore in the middle of the Everfree Forest by being kind. By being kind! Blows my mind...So, yeah. Also she's the Element of Kindness.

Finally there's Rarity. She's probably the most high class pony I know, even though she isn't from Canterlot. Her standards are astronomical, which reflects in her business. You see, she works at the Carousel Boutique making and selling dresses. I've never been one for all of that namby pamby girly stuff, but even I have to admit that her dresses are quite good. She really puts in all of her extra time into making them. Not that she doesn't...didn't...spend time with us, that is. She's also the Element of Generosity, which completes the six.

Uh...so, yeah. That's us. I hung out with them back in Ponyville like I said, and we had some pretty good times. But naturally, things went wrong...

I used to work at Ponyville managing the weather. I was Cloudsdale Weather Corp's go to pegasus, right? I would clear out clouds, cause rainstorms, do whatever was needed of me. It wasn't a bad job, all things said and done. It payed the bills, left me with a little extra for foodstuffs and the like, and it wasn't hard work either. Not when you're somepony as fast and awesome as me!

But then I got a letter about a week ago telling me that I was being relocated. That my skills with weather manipulation were needed elsewhere.

Where, you ask? Aperture friggin Science, that's where.

I never really knew much about Aperture anyways. It was founded a couple years ago by my boss Cave and I've heard a few rumors about the facility. But I never really paid much attention until I got that letter.

I had to pack my things, say my goodbyes to all of my friends, and set sail for Canterlot. Enjoy.

Well...I suppose I'm not in Canterlot proper. You know how the big city is stationed up on the side of the Great Equestrian Mountain Range? Well Aperture Science is an underground laboratory in the valley created by the range on the opposite side of Canterlot. It's stationed right on Equestria's border. So basically I'm as far away from Ponyville as I could possibly be.

It really sucks. I mean, I haven't even done anything with weather down here yet, and I'm not allowed to fly either. And at least in Ponyville I could breathe in fresh air while on the job! Ugh...

It's really been bad here. On the first day, I had to sit through a three hour film for new employees where Cave made sarcastic jokes in about every line he had. Which was every line.

So naturally, after all of that preparation, they gave me two jobs:

Research portals. Keep a video log.

That's it. Three hours of my life completely down the drain.

And I don't even know anything about portals! I don't know the difference between Quantum Physics and Quantum Mechanics or about the spacial relationship of time and velocity! How in the hoof am I supposed to know any of that bullcrap?! Did they not know they were hiring a pony who's been on weather duty her whole friggen life?!

...

...Pardon my french, I guess. I'm just really wound up, is all. But seriously, they don't even tell me much about the portals we're researching. They run the experiments, they send the data to me, and I'm supposed to organize it into tables and stuff. The problem is that I don't even know what any of the data means! So it's all pretty pointless to me.

Oh yeah, and the other thing is that everypony who works here is supposed to keep a video log. They don't really care how often we record sessions as long as they're at least ten minutes each and are recorded at least biweekly. So that's what I'll probably do.

So yeah, it's all pretty awful here. Except for Doctor Who-

How do we get all of those bullets in 'em? If you'll view this Aperture Science Handheld Emergency Intelligence Turret Diagram, you'll see that there are four loading compartments marked A, B, C, and D. Compartments A and B require...

I swear to Celestia I'm going to buy a lock for that door.

Um...I forget what I was talking about. Oh well.

So...yeah. I guess I'll have to record another session in two weeks, so I'll see you then.

...

Oh, who am I kidding. No one's watching this.