The Princesses' Guardians

100 years before Luna's banishment a prophecy foretold of 2 brother and the princesses, but is was lost during the the rise of Nightmare Moon. Now 1100 after the prophecy was lost, it will be fulfilled.

This is my first story ever so tell me what you think.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

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AugustRush

AugustRush #1 · Jan 4th, 2013 · · · The Two Brothers ·

Ughh.. Well you've got an interesting plotline to go on (By the summary description). To me: Its going a little too fast. First they were home. Then they were at the ruins then they were in a cave. Its just a little too fast. FOR ME.

Try to add background info on Aquais and Fergus. Maybe try to slow down a bit and give specific details in certain situations. Like, what they did on the way towards the ruins? Or better yet, like they stumbled upon after like an air-race or something. Just.... Details. I like details. Don't go overboard on details either though.

The grammar is... uhhh.... ok? There are a few mistakes but even I make some that I see all the time. Everyone does it. I hope I helped in some way...

I give you 4 mustaches, sir

NightShift

NightShift #2 · Jan 4th, 2013 · · · Prophecy Reaveled ·

I have one thing to say. You need to proof read before posting.

One hundred years before Luna's banishment, a prophecy foretold of two brothers and Princesses, but was lost during the rise of Nightmare Moon. Now, centuries later, after the prophecy was lost, it will be fulfilled.

You could get someone to proof read for you, (there's a group here dedicated to it) or you could check it yourself. (I wouldn't advise it, as it's hard to see personal mistakes: I know personally)

Also, while there are some minor errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc., I couldn't help but notice the huge blanks sometimes, and the perspective changing notification. If it is First-Person, keep it to one person, but in an omniscient like this, you can switch the camera focus onto a different character as long as it is Third-Person.

Hope this helped, and have a nice day!

Badgunz2

Badgunz2 #3 · Jan 5th, 2013 · · · Prophecy Reaveled ·

1905200>>1905212 thank you for your inputs, it is greatly appreciated. The details part I will work on (I typed up the 2 chapters from 2-3 am because the idea would not let me sleep).

Badgunz2