Always a fun read when Blueblood gets what is coming to him. Hopfully he ends up getting hit again. And to make this chapter even better is the start of the romance with Fleur. Looking forward to reading more of that.
Well that went well, I hope Twilight don't start a rumor about him being a casanova, Rarity already gave him a lot of problems, last thing he need now is that the magazine PONYS, name him the sexy's stallion of the century (Ja, take that Blueblood) I just hoped Fleur cousin stop with her advances, it could get weird if now she start googol over her cousin boyfriend…not to mention that 2 mares fighting over him, one of witch is a model, can give some serious gossip, I can just imagine.
"The newest and first alien royal guard, and super model become the new and biggest stunning couple since the engage of Shining Armor and Princess Candace, did they will last? Prince Blueblood stated …that union is just an atrocious joke of the nature, and that the creature should be in prison as soon as possible… his statement was quickly ignore and label as the daily winey of or beloved royal pay in the ass, but the question remain, did this romance will come to an end or we are wedding bells in their future?"
A couple of questions:
1)How long has he has being in Equestria? 2)Did they give up in a solution for him to return home? 3) If he going to payback Rarity for her gossip?
P.S: That bit about the magazine PONYS was thinking about a version of the magazine PEOPLE, for you to consider to add that in the story, you know, as a bit of joke
1. He's been in Equestria for about a month- it's in the story description. 2. There will be flashbacks (not long-winded) to build backstory. 3. As for payback? I don't think there will be any, although Rarity might get a tad jealous that he's "dating" Fleur now; since she "stole" Fancy Pants from her. I may also add Rarity into a love triangle, but we'll see.
1982345 Don't worry, the harrassment with 'Blue' will continue, perhaps in the form of cheeky shenanigans with other members of the Guard. I want to include as much humor in my story as possible. It's how I view life; one giant gag reel!
1988343 Ohh a Love triangle? That sound interesting, did you are consider playing the herd card? (In some stories, they put that ponys accept polygamy relationships) and if latter on you include her cousin and one of the princess, then you will get a love pentagon
1992951 I was toying with the 'herd' idea, but instead of a pentagon, how about a dodecahedron Go big, or go home! LMAO! And your idea of the pony PEOPLE magazine would fit the bill perfectly! Credit will be given if I use it!
I think that this is the first story that i have ever read that displayed Fancy Pants in any sort of negative light, Well done. I think I need to read more if this little thing throws me off.
I'm strangely interesting in the possibility of a 12-way. Who are we talking about, and will there be Foofing involved? (Foofing: blowing raspberries in someone's stomach.)
Gah. Don't take that comment too harshly, your story isn't bad. I love your idea and am a little jealous that I'm not doing it myself. The story just needs to expand on some things to become all that it can be. (See what I did there?! I know, horrible...)
Take Fluer for example. Once she mentioned being cheated on I expected tears - angry or sad. But she smiles almost immediately at Jason's reassurance and doesn't come back to the topic. Why isn't she more torn up? Is it all a front and she will break down later? How long has she been single? If not long, is she just jumping back in to a relationship because she doesn't want to deal with what happened/wants to get back at Fancy? (<--- Plot idea?) Why is she so okay with this strange new creature? etc.
I don't mean to pick apart your story, I'm hoping you put in more juiciness!
Not bad :D A couple of minor details bother me, some of the vocab used and one or two areas in the story lacking proper description. Other than that, well done. have a Moustache.
The action plays out better, the characters feel more in-character, and it tugs on the heart just a little bit. (my opinion, so take it how you will) It makes me want to give Fluer a hug. Which means I'm going to be jealous of Jason.
Considering the changes you've made, I suspect that if you continue to work at this it'll get even better.
Is chapter 3 coming this week? And also, did we will see him, starting his job and possible some ROYAL foofing? Celestia getting her stomach blow…that will be possible a Kodak moment
That was fun to read. I really enjoyed Slipstream, and I hope she make return appearances. Actually, explaining why Slipstream is doing taxi work when her cousin had a
very affluent upbringing
could be a rather interesting subplot. On a side note, is Slipstream as leggy as Fleur?
Let me start off say I loved how you dealt with Blueblood and that link only added to the moment. So well played my good sir. I liked that you set up a plenty of chances for further development in your character. Twilight is a pinch underplayed, which makes me think you have her deep in thought about Jason. The dance club was a nice touch and you played it well. I also like how you keep him as a gentleman, yet he still has perverted thoughts. A Gentleman can not be a gentleman unless he can surpass his perverted thoughts. Now then, I guessed #2 1988343 was how you were going to handle it. Which is always good when you want to get to your story without dealing with the craziness that follows all HiE's when the Human meets the ponies. So now #3, which you also stated in more detail 1992971, I had a feeling you were going to do a few girls, but you might be getting in to deep. As most of us would love for you to go with such a large number, my concern is that if you try that, a few mares will fall through the cracks of plot/character development. Remember, less is more, however, if you have faith in your skills, then go head, just take it slow. Like one or two new mares every few chapters, that way you can show how they find themselves in the group and exploit any and all conflict that will happen. Good luck, and chapter three here I come.
Another great chapter! Just like the first! I look forward to reading more of this enjoyable story! Whatever you do, don't stop! You have talent! It's here in these enjoyable paragraphs!
SO! Figured I would give this a read after your post over on Dresfab's story. Not a bad story thus far, I like how the protagonist didn't just jump her bones right off the bat. The steady flow of sarcastic humor is great IMO. Although the link to the song had me a little distracted for about 3:27, love that damn song.
The unit info at the end forces me to ask you this; Have you ever heard "If it's in the air maintenance put it there"? As a prior wrench turner on the ole dirty C-130 it made me chuckle to see a guy from ops side of airpower travel to Equestria and be referred to as a "handyman".
I wonder what's with everyone makeing Fancy Pants being bad just be with Fleur, can't anyone just at least have them not have bad blood between each other and the main character like. They're actually siblings or just simply not that close at all in the least.
I'm liking this story so far, and since I have a little experience writing HiE fics, I'll offer a bit of advice.
I think you pulled off the military aspect of him well instead of him just being a 'gun-toting badass' or some shit. Also, I like that you recognize the handyman cliché. Good job.
Two things I need to mention though: 1. The romance seems a bit awkward, and by that I mean his whole 'never had a girlfriend' thing. It says tears welled up in his eyes when he thought of that, and it was just awkward to read for me.
2. The dance he went to went a little too well if you ask me. Every aspect was so perfect. From the towns ponies being amazed at his dancing skills to getting two mares to want the D. (In fact, Fleur comments fondly on how he's like a stallion without the sexual appetite and yet the reason the taxi mare was interested was because she heard things about his 'anatomy.' Just found that a bit odd.)
Anyways, good story. I see potential in you. Hit me up with a PM if you wish to chat further!
HOw tall are all the ponies in relation to the human? It seemed almost as if Fluer was just about eye level with Jason. Also, some of the actions seemed out of place or taken too far. Like the mentioning of not having a girlfriend and being brought to tears.
I didn't notice until I opened my eyes, that the other ponies -Fleur included- were mimicking my jumpstyle dance moves—stomping their hooves, jumping around, kicking their legs, and bobbing their heads to the beat in the same manner I was, to my sheer amazement. The dancing skills I'd learned while stationed in Europe seemed to be pretty catchy.
Ha!
Blueblood got owned!
And sexy times ensue, I presume?
1982225
In time!
Don't want to rush it!
EDIT: I do plan to visit the topic of estrus/heat in a future chapter, as well as intimate moments between Jason and Fleur (and other mares, perhaps?)
yep looks like a nother good fic in the makeing 5/5 spikes good sir
Always a fun read when Blueblood gets what is coming to him. Hopfully he ends up getting hit again.
And to make this chapter even better is the start of the romance with Fleur. Looking forward to reading more of that.
1982282
And this is my first creative writing piece. Ever.
A note to all my readers: My laptop crashed (BSOD), so I may not be adding/writing chapters for awhile
WARNING: Swag Activated fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/003/6/6/gif_fluer__s_flick_by_mattyhex-d4l7hi1.gif
1982623
Damn that sucks...
I'l really feeling this fic.
Well that went well, I hope Twilight don't start a rumor about him being a casanova, Rarity already gave him a lot of problems, last thing he need now is that the magazine PONYS, name him the sexy's stallion of the century (Ja, take that Blueblood) I just hoped Fleur cousin stop with her advances, it could get weird if now she start googol over her cousin boyfriend…not to mention that 2 mares fighting over him, one of witch is a model, can give some serious gossip, I can just imagine.
"The newest and first alien royal guard, and super model become the new and biggest stunning couple since the engage of Shining Armor and Princess Candace, did they will last? Prince Blueblood stated …that union is just an atrocious joke of the nature, and that the creature should be in prison as soon as possible… his statement was quickly ignore and label as the daily winey of or beloved royal pay in the ass, but the question remain, did this romance will come to an end or we are wedding bells in their future?"
A couple of questions:
1)How long has he has being in Equestria?
2)Did they give up in a solution for him to return home?
3) If he going to payback Rarity for her gossip?
P.S: That bit about the magazine PONYS was thinking about a version of the magazine PEOPLE, for you to consider to add that in the story, you know, as a bit of joke
1987373
1. He's been in Equestria for about a month- it's in the story description.
2. There will be flashbacks (not long-winded) to build backstory.
3. As for payback? I don't think there will be any, although Rarity might get a tad jealous that he's "dating" Fleur now; since she "stole" Fancy Pants from her. I may also add Rarity into a love triangle, but we'll see.
1986074
Heh. I just realized (at almost midnight) that my Xbox has IE, and I have a USB keyboard. Sometimes the simplest things escape my mind...
1982345
Don't worry, the harrassment with 'Blue' will continue, perhaps in the form of cheeky shenanigans with other members of the Guard. I want to include as much humor in my story as possible. It's how I view life; one giant gag reel!
1990700
Cool.
1988343
Ohh a Love triangle? That sound interesting, did you are consider playing the herd card? (In some stories, they put that ponys accept polygamy relationships) and if latter on you include her cousin and one of the princess, then you will get a love pentagon
1992951
I was toying with the 'herd' idea, but instead of a pentagon, how about a dodecahedron
Go big, or go home! LMAO!
And your idea of the pony PEOPLE magazine would fit the bill perfectly! Credit will be given if I use it!
Not bad! Thanks for showing me this! Keep up the good work!
I think that this is the first story that i have ever read that displayed Fancy Pants in any sort of negative light, Well done.
I think I need to read more if this little thing throws me off.
Fluer doesn't seem to be nearly as affected by her recent breakup as I would expect.
Also,
'Show' us what they are with description, don't just tell us what they're supposed to be.
1992971
I'm strangely interesting in the possibility of a 12-way. Who are we talking about, and will there be Foofing involved? (Foofing: blowing raspberries in someone's stomach.)
2016393
Gah. Don't take that comment too harshly, your story isn't bad. I love your idea and am a little jealous that I'm not doing it myself. The story just needs to expand on some things to become all that it can be. (See what I did there?! I know, horrible...)
Take Fluer for example. Once she mentioned being cheated on I expected tears - angry or sad. But she smiles almost immediately at Jason's reassurance and doesn't come back to the topic. Why isn't she more torn up? Is it all a front and she will break down later? How long has she been single? If not long, is she just jumping back in to a relationship because she doesn't want to deal with what happened/wants to get back at Fancy? (<--- Plot idea?) Why is she so okay with this strange new creature? etc.
I don't mean to pick apart your story, I'm hoping you put in more juiciness!
Not bad :D A couple of minor details bother me, some of the vocab used and one or two areas in the story lacking proper description. Other than that, well done. have a Moustache.
Wait, one complaint...
Needs more chapters :D
I like it.
The action plays out better, the characters feel more in-character, and it tugs on the heart just a little bit. (my opinion, so take it how you will) It makes me want to give Fluer a hug. Which means I'm going to be jealous of Jason.
Considering the changes you've made, I suspect that if you continue to work at this it'll get even better.
MORE! MORE! MORE!
Chapter 3 is slated to be a doozy!!
2019173
It will make Pinkie Pie vibrate? Woah... I didn't know this was that kind of story...
2023887
Wait...where did that come from??
2018975
Love it!
Oh there will be... I think I'm planning on making this last quite awhile
2024413 By all means do continue. You've quite the talent.
2024409
And doozies do what to Pinkie...?
Bleh.
Is chapter 3 coming this week? And also, did we will see him, starting his job and possible some ROYAL foofing? Celestia getting her stomach blow…that will be possible a Kodak moment
2024510
Thank you. Chapter 3 is slowly, but surely getting there. I prefer quality over quantity
2027396 I got alot of fics tracked so I should be good.
That was fun to read. I really enjoyed Slipstream, and I hope she make return appearances. Actually, explaining why Slipstream is doing taxi work when her cousin had a
could be a rather interesting subplot. On a side note, is Slipstream as leggy as Fleur?
Anyway, Good job!
Let me start off say I loved how you dealt with Blueblood and that link only added to the moment. So well played my good sir. I liked that you set up a plenty of chances for further development in your character. Twilight is a pinch underplayed, which makes me think you have her deep in thought about Jason. The dance club was a nice touch and you played it well. I also like how you keep him as a gentleman, yet he still has perverted thoughts. A Gentleman can not be a gentleman unless he can surpass his perverted thoughts.
Now then, I guessed #2 1988343 was how you were going to handle it. Which is always good when you want to get to your story without dealing with the craziness that follows all HiE's when the Human meets the ponies. So now #3, which you also stated in more detail 1992971, I had a feeling you were going to do a few girls, but you might be getting in to deep. As most of us would love for you to go with such a large number, my concern is that if you try that, a few mares will fall through the cracks of plot/character development. Remember, less is more, however, if you have faith in your skills, then go head, just take it slow. Like one or two new mares every few chapters, that way you can show how they find themselves in the group and exploit any and all conflict that will happen. Good luck, and chapter three here I come.
~Hearn
I like this. Armedbrony you sell yourself short! This is good, I have enjoyed it thus far.
Another great chapter! Just like the first! I look forward to reading more of this enjoyable story! Whatever you do, don't stop! You have talent! It's here in these enjoyable paragraphs!
SO! Figured I would give this a read after your post over on Dresfab's story. Not a bad story thus far, I like how the protagonist didn't just jump her bones right off the bat. The steady flow of sarcastic humor is great IMO. Although the link to the song had me a little distracted for about 3:27, love that damn song.
The unit info at the end forces me to ask you this; Have you ever heard "If it's in the air maintenance put it there"? As a prior wrench turner on the ole dirty C-130 it made me chuckle to see a guy from ops side of airpower travel to Equestria and be referred to as a "handyman".
I wonder what's with everyone makeing Fancy Pants being bad just be with Fleur, can't anyone just at least have them not have bad blood between each other and the main character like. They're actually siblings or just simply not that close at all in the least.
Also when you linked this song, I immediately imagine ponies and him dancing like this:
I'm liking this story so far, and since I have a little experience writing HiE fics, I'll offer a bit of advice.
I think you pulled off the military aspect of him well instead of him just being a 'gun-toting badass' or some shit. Also, I like that you recognize the handyman cliché. Good job.
Two things I need to mention though:
1. The romance seems a bit awkward, and by that I mean his whole 'never had a girlfriend' thing. It says tears welled up in his eyes when he thought of that, and it was just awkward to read for me.
2. The dance he went to went a little too well if you ask me. Every aspect was so perfect. From the towns ponies being amazed at his dancing skills to getting two mares to want the D. (In fact, Fleur comments fondly on how he's like a stallion without the sexual appetite and yet the reason the taxi mare was interested was because she heard things about his 'anatomy.' Just found that a bit odd.)
Anyways, good story. I see potential in you. Hit me up with a PM if you wish to chat further!
-Jexxazrez
I concur with TheTownCrier... MOAR!! Please
Oh my god. That is hilarious. I need to use that in real life.
And...then...they...DANCED!
Good work here as well. I'm starting to assume you tend to sell yourself short.
Dammit, have some confidence in thyself.
Hmmmmm, it seems our friend is developing feelings for Fleur... must investigate further
HOw tall are all the ponies in relation to the human? It seemed almost as if Fluer was just about eye level with Jason. Also, some of the actions seemed out of place or taken too far. Like the mentioning of not having a girlfriend and being brought to tears.
"Would you care to come inside?"
Is that a trick question?
what came to mind:
http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/11/dbz_kinect-14036.gif