Dan's Comments
Cultural Artifacts - Discordalude
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.
Day 19
Discord looked around at the dead flat, completely barren landscape. Only a sign broke the monotony.
The sign said, "I'm sorry you're bored, but a little, light entertainment. Dramamine will be available." The sign read 'Eat at Hop Sing's Mexican Borscht Buffet. at exit e^i except faster than c'.
Discord was puzzling this out when a spotlight illuminated a very strange, green creature walking towards him with a cinema camera over one shoulder and a large folding chair over the other. The felt-covered, green frog with the spiky collar set down the chair and camera. The camera he fussed over seemed pretty standard, the chair he ignored looked like the most convoluted piece of furniture Discord had ever laid eyes on. "I love it."
Discord found much to his delight that the 'chair-in-name-only' fit him perfectly. "So whatcha doin'?" Discord asked.
"Roll'em!" the frog shouted.
Rarity got a spotlight. She was wearing a guard captain's armor. Another spotlight illuminated Shining Armor, also in armor, but his mane and tail styled to curl like Rarity's. The two of them walked towards each other, looking more like brother and sister than Twilight and Armor ever did.
Rarity began a rather catchy tap dance front hooves accompanying the rear hooves' tap.
In time with the tap, Shining Armor began to sing, "I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral."
Armor started tap dancing, while Rarity sang, "I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical."
They both sang, "From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical."
Rarity tap danced while Armor sang, "I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical. About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news."
Rarity sang while Armor tap danced the accompaniment, "With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse." She gave a bawdy wink.
Discord's jaw dropped. He picked it up and examined it. The drop had been silent. Then he noticed the sign the frog running the camera held up. 'Any noise and we have to do it again in ADR.' Discord looked at the two dancing unicorns.
Armor sang while Rarity tapped, "For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury."
Rarity sang while Armor tapped, "Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century."
Armor sang, "But still, in matters vegetable."
Rarity sang, "Animal."
Armor sang, "And mineral."
They sang and tap danced together, "I am the very model of a modern Major-General."
"Oh wonderful bravo! Bravo!" Discord shouted and clapped as the lights came down.
When the lights came back up a moment later, Discord took his chair. On a theater stage, Celestia, with Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash flanking her, confronted Luna with Trixie, Derpy Hooves, and Dinky Hooves flanking her. In the background was a backdrop painted with bushes and a tower that looked like the Cutie Mark Crusaders had done it, after forgetting what bushes and buildings looked like.
Trixie and Twilight took a step forward. Trixie sang, "I'm superior, you're inferior. I'm the big attraction you're the small. I'm the major one you're the minor one. I can beat you singing that's not all. Anything you can do, I can do better . . . I can do anything better than you."
Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."
The newt with the wizards hat sang, "Yes, I can."
Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."
The rocking chair with the magician's cape sang, "Yes, I can."
Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."
Trixie sang, "Yes, I can, yes, I can."
Twilight sang, "Anything you can be I can be greater . . . Sooner or later I'm greater than you."
Trixie conjured an image of her banishing an Ursa. "No, you're not."
Twilight generated an moving image with sound of her confronting Nightmare Moon, "Yes, I am."
Trixie was surrounded by cheering audiences from across Equestria. "No, you're not."
Twilight stood under a 'Twilight Sparkle Fan Club' banner, with Celestia and Luna, "Yes, I am."
Trixie brandished a 'Great and Powerful Trixie Limited Edition number 1 of 500' figure. "No, you're not."
Twilight pulled the same figure, numbered 0 of 500. "Yes, I am, yes I am."
Trixie sang, "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge."
Twilight countered, "I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow."
Trixie sang, "I can live on bread and cheese."
Twilight was amazed as she sang, "And only on that?"
Trixie replied proudly, "Yes."
Twilight sang, "So can a rat."
While Trixie grimaced, Twilight sang, "Anything you can dig, I can dig deeper. I can dig anything deeper than you."
Trixie challenged, "Thirty feet."
Twilight replied from the bottom of her hole, "Forty feet."
Trixie shouted down to Twilight, "Fifty feet."
Twilight replied, "Sixty feet."
Trixie's horn glowed and dumped all the dirt back in the hole. "Yes, she can! Yes, she can!"
Trixie sang, "I could be a racer, quite a steeplechaser."
A filthy and furious Twilight appeared next to her and sang, "I can jump a hurdle even in my girdle."
Trixie boasted, "I can open any safe."
Twilight asked, "Without being caught?"
Trixie preened and sang, "Yes."
Twilight nodded. "That's what I thought."
Trixie frowned, but sang, "Anything you can wear I can wear better . . In what you wear I'd look better than you."
A cloud of Rarity engulfed Twilight for an instant. "In my coat."
A cloud of Rarity engulfed Trixie for an instant. "In your vest."
Rarity whirled around Twilight's hooves. "In my shoes."
Rarity completely pimped out Trixie's hat, "In your hat."
Rarity put both Trixie and Twilight in elegant gala dresses. Twilight sang, "No, you can't."
Trixie and Twilight raced over and caught the tottering, eyes-spinning Rarity. "Yes, I can, yes, I can," Rarity sang before collapsing.
As Armor retrieved Rarity, Trixie sang, "Any school where you went I could be master . . . I could be master much faster than you."
Twilight asked, "Can you spell?"
Trixie admitted, "No I can't."
Twilight asked, "Can you add?"
Trixie admitted, "No I can't."
Twilight asked, "Can you teach?"
Trixie proclaimed, "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"
Discord quietly picked up the pieces that had been falling off during the performance. He realized he'd gotten the assembly wrong, and decided to leave it as the next act came on.
Rainbow Dash stepped out, as did Derpy. They two of them circled each other. One would jump at the other, and the target would take a defensive stance. Then they started circling again.
Rainbow Dash stopped and took a deep breath. Priming herself. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Derpy Hooves."
Rainbow continued while Derpy danced in time with the song, "Go right to the source and ask the horse. She'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. She's always on a steady course. Talk to Derpy Hooves."
"Ponies yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day, but Derpy Hooves will never speak unless she has something to say," Rainbow continued, "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one'll talk 'til her voice is hoarse. You never heard of a talking horse? Well listen to this." Rainbow gestured to Derpy.
She bowed and with her front hooves began to tap danced faster and faster, while her back hooves tapped out a flamenco-rhythm speeding up as her front hooves did. Faster, faster, until the taps became almost a continuous sound.
She finished, took a bow and blew the smoke off her forehooves. She and Rainbow returned back to their lines.
Luna gave a nod to Dinky Hooves. Celestia nodded to Pinkie Pie. Pinkie took a deep breath, covered her mouth and nose with her hoof and blew out, changing her into a large pink balloon. Her tail was split into three, and a familiar droning sound started. Dinky Hooves did the same, except her horn glowed and the droning was higher pitched.
A phone appeared beside the frog-cameraman and rang. "Yes," the frog said as he answered the phone, then shouted, "Cancel the Dueling Banjos on pony-bagpipes number, they filed an injunction against it."
"WHAT!?" Dinky and Pinkie put all their breath into that very bagpipe-like shout.
"Aw man!" Rainbow announced and walked off stage. Celestia and Luna grumped and walked out together a wing draped across each other's backs.
Trixie approached Twilight. "I want this fixed!" she angrily shouted and looked at her hat.
"Slitherin!" Trixie's hat shouted. Twilight gave an embarrassed smile.
Derpy and Pinkie Pie were pushing a upright grand piano onto the stage. Pinkie was in a swallow-tail tuxedo. Pink of course. Derpy adjusted the piano stool for Pinkie. Then pulled it away as the mare was about to sit on it. Pinkie straightened up in time. Derpy seemed to finish her adjustments, slid it back under Pinkie. As Pinkie was about to sit down, Derpy snatched it away and adjusted it again. Pinkie stared at her with growing impatience. Derpy set it back in place.
"Done?" Pinkie asked.
"Done!" Derpy tried to give a thumbs up. Then stared at her hoof as she realized she lacked thumbs.
Pinkie back kicked the stool clear off the stage. Pinkie listened to the crash it made, then hit a key. "Perfect!" She announced. Derpy collected Dinky and left Pinkie alone in the spotlight.
"Attack of the killer pianos! Attack of the killer pianos!" Pinkie sang as she played, "They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch and finish you off for dinner or lunch!"
The key cover slammed down trapping Pinkie's hooves on the keyboard. The front of the piano opened and bent down to swallow the trapped mare whole. The spotlight faded as the very discordant chewing sounds continued. It was dark when the sound of a chainsaw firing up was heard.
"What in the name of Celestia's Intangible Moustache was that!?" Discord shouted to the frog who was handing him a disk he'd taken out of the camera. There were dozens more such discs in the cartridge where the film would normally go.
"He couldn't keep you company himself," the felt frog replied, "So I said I'd put on a little show for you." The frog shrugged as he collected the film cartridge. "It actually went better than these things usually go." The frog started walking away. "It's time to play the music," the frog sang, "It's time to light the lights." He faded from sight and sound.
The sign reappeared. This time it didn't say anything, it simply read, 'And I did that in my sleep.'
"I'm going to kill him with my bare hands," Discord said. He sat in his new chair, looked at the disk and hugged it to his chest. "Or have his children."
With sincerest apologies to:
Gilbert and Sullivan, and their estates
Jim Henson and his estate
Irving Berlin and his estate
Jay Livingston
John De Bello
i find every new chapter you release makes less sense than the last and for some reason that just makes me more interested in this fic so well done i think
Your writing is so beautiful it is bringing a tear to my eye. You can do random and crazy perfectly, and although the story didn't start out that way I am still loving every minute of it.
Great Scott what was that?!
So basically.
'Big Guy' for Discord 2.0?
all the new chapters make no since at all
yet i find my self understanding them perfectly
also
BIG GUY FOR DISCORD 2.0
This whole chapter is full of
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqetN8MCPDuwsMmDer7q9ApddltZI9o3IKM-van_WMpdx6YkcbCg
moments.
And at that Gilbert and Sullivan bit, I had this swimming around in my head.
Finally, a chapter I fully understood in single reading!
No seriously, all the preceding chapters I had to read again at least once.
what i love the most in this story? all those delicious "what the hell is going on" moments.
2140902 wish I could, but the guy has his logic switch turned off
MATING SEASON HAS BEGUN!!
I feel like this is leading up to the best "No Homo" moment ever.
2140588 This chapter makes a lot of sense, you just need to catch the clues and the context. Discord is still kinda-sorta in 'Big Guy' 's head, and 'Big Guy' has a fairly decent handle on how Discord ticks (somewhat anyways). So, rather than leave a god of chaos bored, he's guiding a dream of his into entertainment for Discord, so he can stay at a safe 'distance' and keep big D occupied and/or busy while he (the 'Big Guy') is asleep so D doesn't have a reason to entertain himself... which would probably happen at 'Big Guy' 's expense (or at least at his inconveniencing).
Neat. Like you fell asleep at the keyboard.
This is the best.
That is all
this story has simply become a thing of beauty. this is 100% completely serious story with a human in equestria. both side struggle to live harmonious with each other, antagonists who aggravate this struggle, there's adventure, deceptions, counter deceptions, politics, even romance in it's own way, but these aren't used for intrigue or for provoking thought, they're used to make me laugh my ass off. And that is why this story is GENIUS!
2141681
Slams head into wall. I am surrounded...
Let me clear this up for you.
If I can follow the DA Vinci code and angels&demons with out batting an eye and getting lost, then I can follow this poorly made sentence structures. It not that part that is pissing me off, its the meat, the plot, the damn story itself that I don't understand.
Why. Why did you pull off a Batman gambit and all this crazy shit happens , and its no longer the same story as before. Where is the element building? Character development? Reasons why all the villains seem to appear.
No.
We don't even get that after the last 2 chapters. So no...I can follow just fine. Its story that doesn't make sense anymore.
2141681
The reason most people are complaining about the story not making sense is NOT because they cannot follow what is going on, they just don't understand WHY what is going on is going on.
That is, this started off as an interesting and entertaining story of first contact between two completely different civilizations (or at least a representative of one of the civilizations in question). Everything about the story focused on that, on the interaction between the two and the implications and consequences of the main character's appereance in Equestria. Then a villain appeared, a villain that managed not to feel out of place because their motivation and actions taken to achieve their goals were limited and made sense given the events of the story up until that point (that is, dragon that wanted to take whatever knowledge, resources, and power the strange alien had for themselves and orchestrated his kidnapping in order to obtain them). It was pretty clear which direction the story was going, it made sense as to why it was going in that direction, and it looked really, really promising.
Then, out of absolutely nowhere, the scale of the conflict ramps up to absurd levels nigh-instantaneously, the main character is suddenly a Marty Stu of epic proportions, and overall it simply feels the fic has suddenly become an entirely different fic altogether. It is like he started writing an excellent first contact story, got bored halfway through, and then decided to write a completely different story (without ever actually bothering to separate the two into different fics and instead just mashing them together and hoping for the best).
It isn't that the story is hard to follow, it is that it is leading places that don't make any damn sense.
I just want that awesome first-contact story back. It was the best I had seen in a long time, and it is sad that it doesn't look like we'll ever be seeing it again. Or rather, we'll keep seeing it but now it is completely unrecognizable as what it once was.
I admit, I haven't been able to bring myself to read much of the story since it went completely off the rails, so maybe the author retconned that whole mess and everything is back on track again. If so, please let me know. Even if the explanation is just something like "none of that actually happened, it was all just a ridiculuous dream", I would be willing to accept that just so I can enjoy the story again.
The chapter is brilliant but the fact you could make it so good scares me a little.
i think this is what you need for the killer pianos
discord has such a man crush right now
You know, if this whole story was as bad as some trash talking posters say it is, then it wouldn't have over as many as 50 'likes' let alone 1,000. Yes sometimes this story can be difficult to follow but it's not impossible. You just have to know what to look for and how to read around other authors' various writing styles.
Not everything is dumbed down, streamlined, 'welcome to Mcdonald's' have it your way. While it would be nice if this story was an easier more flowing style to read, I'm NOT a 5th grader with 2nd grade reading levels. I will not be a coward and run away from a literary challenge. If we all ran from advanced literacy or differing literary skills then we would have never gotten past "See Jane. See Jane run. Run, Jane, run!"
Wonder how long the big guy can keep this up.
Maybe, just maybe there is a tiny chance ... Chapter 7 was much better than 5 or 6. Still light years away from the first, magnificent ones but still better. I really do want to have enough hope that I will read something resembling those here... Dear Author, please don't disappoint...
For the record: I am reading the story only because I LOVED first chapters, in the hope that I will see the return of the Author of those precious words........
*falls over laughing*
Discord out-pranked... and using the MUPPET SHOW?!
TEN THUMBS UP!
I'm truly embarrassed how long that took me to recognise Kermit
Tololololo
2142131
I'm afraid nothing has been retconned so far, although things seem to be calming down slightly. There is a strange sort of political intrigue plot line starting up, however, regarding the gryphons. It's too early to see where the author plans on taking said plot line, so there's really not much to say.
2142574>>2142884
Again, the biggest issue isn't that the story is difficult to follow, it is that where it is leading doesn't make any sense. Or rather, that it made such a huge and unexpected departure from its original (and highly enjoyable) path. The fic started off as one kind of story, then went somewhere completely different without any warning. As I said before, it is like the author started writing one fic, then got bored with that one and started writing a completely different fic in the middle of the first fic.
The people "bashing" the fic aren't simply too stupid to understand what it is going on. Most of them know exactly what is going on, they just don't know why it is happening. See my other recent post: 2142131
EDIT: What is "confusing" isn't the multiple perspective or unclear writing or anything like that. What is confusing is that this fic suddenly became a completely different story in the middle of chapter 5.
Slytherin
This made my day.
Thank you.
Slytherin - yeah, that sounds like Trixie. :D
2141776
I know why you are surrounded.
Obviously, sheep always travel in herds. Like women using the bathroom.
2143721
The old story is starting to peek back in during chapter 7. Chapter 8 however is just for Discord's amusement. Or so the "Big Guy" can get into Discord's panties.
I'm hoping the old story finishes coming back now that the author had his fun with his Marty Stu Moment.
I don't even...
Although I will admit, the slytherin reference got a laugh out of me.
wut
Nice, very nostalgic, I was surprised there was no Jerry Lewis in there. Anyway, that'll definitely give Discord something to think about.
AHHAHAHAhahahahhaHAHAhahah XD
2141681 Wow , thanks for explaining!
Lol! This chapter was hilarious!
I read through the randomness and the jokes and the sophisticated double talk. I enjoyed each new chapter as much as the last. Then I arrive here and find to my surprise a filler. A chapter designed just for the hell of it. Yet it still had me laughing. Keep up the great work my good man.
2143134
In the same boat, but in my defense I read spiky collar as a spiked collar, not Kermit's spiky collar
This was terrific.
2146821 thank you so much
There is no entity or dentity in this reality or the next that has an insanity that can be compared to what a human is capable of archiving
No seriously! Discord gotta become pregnant with Big Guys kids! Think of the hilarious!
2157693
I'm not saying the author isn't great.
I'm saying the characters are despicable.
What's to explain? What better entertainment for the incarnation of chaos than a human's dreams?
Also, loved the last chapter, even if things got a little vague here and there, especially when exploring the front door. A little more concrete description couldn't hurt. Still, the bit with Celestia and Pinkie was exquisite. More people need to do stories with their shared love all things baked and sugary.
Definitely looking forward to more, especially more of Lyra and our hero.
.... Read it... Laughed my ass off when I realized what was going on... Good work Bro
2078919
Peggy Lee song: Que Sera Sera (Whatever will be will be)
Chaos-Ra: Discord
Tone Change: A calamity occurs and you dig your way out of it. Once you've got things stabilized, then you analyze why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again.
2074080
The Big Guy did the transport, Discord added the door(s)
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Cuddle, yes. Tickle/wrestle, yes. In playing they learned he's much too fragile physically for a mare even transformed to really take the initiative.
For the confused: Play-yes, serious-no.
2070270
Patience, Twilight is admired because she grits her teeth, and strikes back with a mere hint of the power used against her to devastating effect. Like a diamond cutter.
2068888
No, Nightmare did.
I had a marvelous chance to describe what a crisis looks like from the inside, while it was going on. That's what Chapters 5 and 6 were. If you're low-level (Rainbow Dash) you get seemingly nonsensical instructions and have to rely on your respect for the person giving the orders and be ready to drop everything and move as priorities change.
If you're in the middle (Twilight, Luna, Big Guy), you have to give instructions you understand imperfectly and if things change you have hope you understand the spirit of what you're supposed to be doing, so you give your team useful instructions, and can improvise on the fly.
If you're on the top (Celestia and Nightmare), you have to give instructions in a situation you don't really control, hope your subordinates can and will do their job (poor Nightmare her only competent help was sabotaging her). Deal with arm-chair quarterbacks who know they would have done it differently (the letters) and then the mess wouldn't have happened, who may horror of horrors be right about what went wrong or how to prevent recurrence (then you have to protect these gadflies from your own people).
And you have to keep the people fixing the problem (Luna and the Mane 6) and the people making sure it doesn't happen again (Big Guy), coordinated.
Welcome to real life in the business world.
2067111
There were four 'Dinky's in Cutie Pox, each with a different flank marking. So one is Dinky Hooves (Derpy's child) and another Carrot Top's (Dinky Doo), with two more unnamed and unused.
2056550
The ponies will be analyzing this for a while (several chapters) and dealing with the aftermath.
2052285
It's starting with Chapter 7, and continuing with Chapter 9 (with a brief Mind-screw of Discord in Chapter 8). How does budding love, Discord discovering the Principia Discordia, and Parasprite-salad sandwiches sound?
That's the big change, and the door.
2046911
More like Xanatos Speed chess with a heaping helping of Indy Ploy. I mean, anyone who can't outwit a bunch of MLP villains, while reading their minds really can't call themselves an adult, or a babysitter.
2046751
Sherlock Holmes didn't read the script before the story started. The Big Guy did, and yes Equestrian villains are that predictable. It's how they do what they do that make the G4 villains more entertaining.
2001661
Yes, thermite.