• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments

A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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8) Discordalude (Feel free to skip this one)

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - Discordalude

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 19

Discord looked around at the dead flat, completely barren landscape. Only a sign broke the monotony.

The sign said, "I'm sorry you're bored, but a little, light entertainment. Dramamine will be available." The sign read 'Eat at Hop Sing's Mexican Borscht Buffet. at exit e^i except faster than c'.

Discord was puzzling this out when a spotlight illuminated a very strange, green creature walking towards him with a cinema camera over one shoulder and a large folding chair over the other. The felt-covered, green frog with the spiky collar set down the chair and camera. The camera he fussed over seemed pretty standard, the chair he ignored looked like the most convoluted piece of furniture Discord had ever laid eyes on. "I love it."

Discord found much to his delight that the 'chair-in-name-only' fit him perfectly. "So whatcha doin'?" Discord asked.

"Roll'em!" the frog shouted.

Rarity got a spotlight. She was wearing a guard captain's armor. Another spotlight illuminated Shining Armor, also in armor, but his mane and tail styled to curl like Rarity's. The two of them walked towards each other, looking more like brother and sister than Twilight and Armor ever did.

Rarity began a rather catchy tap dance front hooves accompanying the rear hooves' tap.

In time with the tap, Shining Armor began to sing, "I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral."

Armor started tap dancing, while Rarity sang, "I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical."

They both sang, "From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical."

Rarity tap danced while Armor sang, "I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical. About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news."

Rarity sang while Armor tap danced the accompaniment, "With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse." She gave a bawdy wink.

Discord's jaw dropped. He picked it up and examined it. The drop had been silent. Then he noticed the sign the frog running the camera held up. 'Any noise and we have to do it again in ADR.' Discord looked at the two dancing unicorns.

Armor sang while Rarity tapped, "For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury."

Rarity sang while Armor tapped, "Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century."

Armor sang, "But still, in matters vegetable."

Rarity sang, "Animal."

Armor sang, "And mineral."

They sang and tap danced together, "I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

"Oh wonderful bravo! Bravo!" Discord shouted and clapped as the lights came down.

When the lights came back up a moment later, Discord took his chair. On a theater stage, Celestia, with Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash flanking her, confronted Luna with Trixie, Derpy Hooves, and Dinky Hooves flanking her. In the background was a backdrop painted with bushes and a tower that looked like the Cutie Mark Crusaders had done it, after forgetting what bushes and buildings looked like.

Trixie and Twilight took a step forward. Trixie sang, "I'm superior, you're inferior. I'm the big attraction you're the small. I'm the major one you're the minor one. I can beat you singing that's not all. Anything you can do, I can do better . . . I can do anything better than you."

Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."

The newt with the wizards hat sang, "Yes, I can."

Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."

The rocking chair with the magician's cape sang, "Yes, I can."

Twilight's horn glowed. "No, you can't."

Trixie sang, "Yes, I can, yes, I can."

Twilight sang, "Anything you can be I can be greater . . . Sooner or later I'm greater than you."

Trixie conjured an image of her banishing an Ursa. "No, you're not."

Twilight generated an moving image with sound of her confronting Nightmare Moon, "Yes, I am."

Trixie was surrounded by cheering audiences from across Equestria. "No, you're not."

Twilight stood under a 'Twilight Sparkle Fan Club' banner, with Celestia and Luna, "Yes, I am."

Trixie brandished a 'Great and Powerful Trixie Limited Edition number 1 of 500' figure. "No, you're not."

Twilight pulled the same figure, numbered 0 of 500. "Yes, I am, yes I am."

Trixie sang, "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge."

Twilight countered, "I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow."

Trixie sang, "I can live on bread and cheese."

Twilight was amazed as she sang, "And only on that?"

Trixie replied proudly, "Yes."

Twilight sang, "So can a rat."

While Trixie grimaced, Twilight sang, "Anything you can dig, I can dig deeper. I can dig anything deeper than you."

Trixie challenged, "Thirty feet."

Twilight replied from the bottom of her hole, "Forty feet."

Trixie shouted down to Twilight, "Fifty feet."

Twilight replied, "Sixty feet."

Trixie's horn glowed and dumped all the dirt back in the hole. "Yes, she can! Yes, she can!"

Trixie sang, "I could be a racer, quite a steeplechaser."

A filthy and furious Twilight appeared next to her and sang, "I can jump a hurdle even in my girdle."

Trixie boasted, "I can open any safe."

Twilight asked, "Without being caught?"

Trixie preened and sang, "Yes."

Twilight nodded. "That's what I thought."

Trixie frowned, but sang, "Anything you can wear I can wear better . . In what you wear I'd look better than you."

A cloud of Rarity engulfed Twilight for an instant. "In my coat."

A cloud of Rarity engulfed Trixie for an instant. "In your vest."

Rarity whirled around Twilight's hooves. "In my shoes."

Rarity completely pimped out Trixie's hat, "In your hat."

Rarity put both Trixie and Twilight in elegant gala dresses. Twilight sang, "No, you can't."

Trixie and Twilight raced over and caught the tottering, eyes-spinning Rarity. "Yes, I can, yes, I can," Rarity sang before collapsing.

As Armor retrieved Rarity, Trixie sang, "Any school where you went I could be master . . . I could be master much faster than you."

Twilight asked, "Can you spell?"

Trixie admitted, "No I can't."

Twilight asked, "Can you add?"

Trixie admitted, "No I can't."

Twilight asked, "Can you teach?"

Trixie proclaimed, "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"

Discord quietly picked up the pieces that had been falling off during the performance. He realized he'd gotten the assembly wrong, and decided to leave it as the next act came on.

Rainbow Dash stepped out, as did Derpy. They two of them circled each other. One would jump at the other, and the target would take a defensive stance. Then they started circling again.

Rainbow Dash stopped and took a deep breath. Priming herself. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Derpy Hooves."

Rainbow continued while Derpy danced in time with the song, "Go right to the source and ask the horse. She'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. She's always on a steady course. Talk to Derpy Hooves."

"Ponies yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day, but Derpy Hooves will never speak unless she has something to say," Rainbow continued, "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one'll talk 'til her voice is hoarse. You never heard of a talking horse? Well listen to this." Rainbow gestured to Derpy.

She bowed and with her front hooves began to tap danced faster and faster, while her back hooves tapped out a flamenco-rhythm speeding up as her front hooves did. Faster, faster, until the taps became almost a continuous sound.

She finished, took a bow and blew the smoke off her forehooves. She and Rainbow returned back to their lines.

Luna gave a nod to Dinky Hooves. Celestia nodded to Pinkie Pie. Pinkie took a deep breath, covered her mouth and nose with her hoof and blew out, changing her into a large pink balloon. Her tail was split into three, and a familiar droning sound started. Dinky Hooves did the same, except her horn glowed and the droning was higher pitched.

A phone appeared beside the frog-cameraman and rang. "Yes," the frog said as he answered the phone, then shouted, "Cancel the Dueling Banjos on pony-bagpipes number, they filed an injunction against it."

"WHAT!?" Dinky and Pinkie put all their breath into that very bagpipe-like shout.

"Aw man!" Rainbow announced and walked off stage. Celestia and Luna grumped and walked out together a wing draped across each other's backs.

Trixie approached Twilight. "I want this fixed!" she angrily shouted and looked at her hat.

"Slitherin!" Trixie's hat shouted. Twilight gave an embarrassed smile.

Derpy and Pinkie Pie were pushing a upright grand piano onto the stage. Pinkie was in a swallow-tail tuxedo. Pink of course. Derpy adjusted the piano stool for Pinkie. Then pulled it away as the mare was about to sit on it. Pinkie straightened up in time. Derpy seemed to finish her adjustments, slid it back under Pinkie. As Pinkie was about to sit down, Derpy snatched it away and adjusted it again. Pinkie stared at her with growing impatience. Derpy set it back in place.

"Done?" Pinkie asked.

"Done!" Derpy tried to give a thumbs up. Then stared at her hoof as she realized she lacked thumbs.

Pinkie back kicked the stool clear off the stage. Pinkie listened to the crash it made, then hit a key. "Perfect!" She announced. Derpy collected Dinky and left Pinkie alone in the spotlight.

"Attack of the killer pianos! Attack of the killer pianos!" Pinkie sang as she played, "They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch and finish you off for dinner or lunch!"

The key cover slammed down trapping Pinkie's hooves on the keyboard. The front of the piano opened and bent down to swallow the trapped mare whole. The spotlight faded as the very discordant chewing sounds continued. It was dark when the sound of a chainsaw firing up was heard.

"What in the name of Celestia's Intangible Moustache was that!?" Discord shouted to the frog who was handing him a disk he'd taken out of the camera. There were dozens more such discs in the cartridge where the film would normally go.

"He couldn't keep you company himself," the felt frog replied, "So I said I'd put on a little show for you." The frog shrugged as he collected the film cartridge. "It actually went better than these things usually go." The frog started walking away. "It's time to play the music," the frog sang, "It's time to light the lights." He faded from sight and sound.

The sign reappeared. This time it didn't say anything, it simply read, 'And I did that in my sleep.'

"I'm going to kill him with my bare hands," Discord said. He sat in his new chair, looked at the disk and hugged it to his chest. "Or have his children."

With sincerest apologies to:
Gilbert and Sullivan, and their estates
Jim Henson and his estate
Irving Berlin and his estate
Jay Livingston
John De Bello

Author's Note:

Against Gilbert and Sullivan, or Jim Henson, Discord is a piker. NO, I won't explain this one.

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