• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments



A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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10) Crystal Leather

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - Crystal Leather

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 21

Trixie watched as he closed the door after the last of his guests left. The gentle smile he'd worn the entire time vanished like an ice cube on a griddle. Trixie considered as she followed him to the guest room where a hoof-thick, heavy pad served as her mattress. He changed the sheets and made sure she had a blanket or two, he gave her a soft smile which she returned, but as soon as he thought she couldn't see, his expression returned to weariness. He didn't even approach his own bedroom, instead returning to the living room to look at the couches and chairs.

Is he going to sleep out here? she wondered as she followed. But he just looked at the couches, seeing some detail Trixie missed, which made them unsuitable. As he moved from the cinema room to the living room, she took a moment to examine the couches and ottoman closely. They look, and smell fine to me . . . they shouldn't. They shouldn't have pony hairs, and pony smell all over them, she realized as she moved to follow him.

He stared at the chair in the living room. It and the coffee table were the only furniture that didn't bear the obvious stamp of ponies. Even the recliner in the cinema room had her and Dinky's scent and hairs on it. His calm deliberation frightened her. It's like that earth pony high-wire walker, she remembered the clown who'd act so terrified on the platform, then would do the most incredible stunts on the wire above the crowd. Then, she stumbled during a performance and fell into the net. Once her leg healed, she climbed back up, but couldn't make herself step onto the wire. After a week of crying jags, and self-recriminations, she went to her wagon to sleep, and never woke up again. I don't want him making the same decision, but what. 'Inviting' him to my mare's nest isn't what he wants. And I'm not strong enough to just fix the bed. She deeply considered what to do to help her friend.


From her own room in Canterlot, Celestia watched her 'prisoner' watching her self-appointed charge. And what do I do? she wondered, My every step has made it worse. But not everyone has made it worse. Do I risk what he could do to the ponies of Ponyville, and hope they can act without direct support? Or do I keep them safe, and keep misstepping? I didn't like them enjoying 'killing' each other, but they saw it as a game of skill, not violence. Perhaps aggression is acceptable in a controlled way.

Celestia looked around her bedroom and rang for the night maid. "Nicety Meadow, do you remember the accident with the jasmine and rose petal soap?"

The Earth pony mare cringed slightly. "Yes, Highness."

"Have my bed remade with those sheets," Celestia stood up, "Immediately."

"Didn't it make you sneeze, Highness?" the maid asked.

"Yes, but please do it immediately," she said, making the order absolute, but as gentle as she could manage. "It's important."

The maid left and Celestia walked through the cenotaph and into Luna's room. She smirked at the idea of the latest 'royal' intervention. I have trusted Twilight and her friends to do so much, Celestia thought, then considered the letters the monster had sent, Perhaps I should learn to trust my ponies. To offer some help, and let them solve the problem their own way.


Trixie felt not a compulsion, but a set of instructions and that they would lead to her solution. Inspiration, but . . . she thought, then looked at her exhausted, despondent friend, All right, perhaps Discord gave us more resources. She carefully took the tip of his sleeve in her mouth and tugged.

He woke up enough to follow her. She collected the bedding from her room and then returned to the front door. He was growing confused, but she stopped and nuzzled his leg and looked up at him smiling. Trust me, she prayed, Please.

He seemed too tired to argue. It hurt that he seemed so defeated, but she knew that soon things would be better. He followed her out to the hallway and locked the door behind him, then closed in where she waited beside the door with the messages written on them.

"Please," she said quietly to the door, trying to keep the 'poniness' to a minimum. When the door opened, she found herself following him.

She grinned at his cautious advance. Curiosity seems to have enlivened him.

He stepped over the parcel, and advanced in a crouch. There was a door at the bottom of the stairway they'd entered the middle of, but he climbed towards the one at the top. Then he reached the door, and ran his hands over the featureless structure. Trixie recognized the 'unicorn door' and found the latch buried within the door.

No lock, she thought, as the door clicked, and she let her horn glow illuminate. Oh Celestia?! As she and he looked at the cabinets full of stuffed animal ponies. She recognized some were historical figures.


Celestia walked into her sister's room through the private passage that she'd slowly filled with her memories. She ensured the door closed silently, giving the monster and Trixie a clear route the other way.

"Troubles Luna? I thought the movie had sad moments, but wasn't worth tears," she said quietly to her sister as she lay on her bed.

"I think you know what troubles me, sister," Luna said as she raised her head from where it had rested on her forelegs. "I despise fools, and I find I have been a bigger one than any before me." She raised her head and looked at her sister. "When Discord changed us, you felt different?"

"Yes, and not just physically," Celesta admitted and blushed. "In my mind . . . no wonder he seems mad."

"Yes, did you want to - be with him, that way?" Luna asked tremulously.

Celestia sighed, "At times, during those 'trust exercises', especially when he depended on my very breath to survive underwater. The need was almost physical. But even the most velvet seduction would be little better then rape, as he was certain I held his life in my hooves. That realization was almost physically painful," Celestia said softly, then smiled and nuzzled Luna, "It did let me understand my sister a little better." She stepped up to the bed and sat down beside Luna, draping a wing over her. "How could someone not wish to appreciate the beauty I had created? Or how could someone not see the beauty I was, and my gentleness and love? It hurt. It hurt in ways I understood as a one of them, but have difficulty grasping now."

Luna nodded then dropped her head back to her forelegs. Celestia waited for her sister to speak. She sensed the pair entering her room. Trixie led him in, and checked the obvious places for guards or traps. She almost smiled as he checked out the huge bed, and found the mattress unacceptably soft. Of course he stripped the sheets and found the quilts they insist on placing there, she struggled not to laugh as he reduced the bed to the way she dearly wished she could: mattress, sheet, top sheet, a few blankets, and two pillows instead of the dozens that always cluttered it. As if her Highness was fragile and would break without egregious padding. I wonder what they would think if they knew that Luna and I slept on the open ground under the sky for years. Trixie had spared a glance at the bed, but resolutely set her bedding in front of the door to the main hall, to block his egress through that portal. I guess back to Ponyville is acceptable, Celestia thought, listening to Luna breathe quietly, while in her mind's eye she watched the scene unfold in her room, And the gentleman sees to the lady's comfort before his own, she thought as both she and Trixie watched him use the discarded quilts and pillows to give Trixie a soft, warm place on the floor. He did steal one of his own sheets. The Royal sheet makers will be scandalized to find that royal sheets are too rough for a monster's hide.


Cadence heard the arguing nobles despite the closed door, and slipped into the throne room.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza," the herald at the door announced. Part of the attention and derision directed at the figure on the throne was redirected at her, but she just laughed at the morose ponies, and especially the unicorn regent who looked to be having the most dreadful day of his life.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza requests permission to directly address his Illustrious Serenity, the Regent of Equestria, Shining Armor," Cadence said formally and bowed to cover her just barely avoided bursting out laughing at Shining Armor's put upon expression. She straightened up and approached the throne, the glares of all the nobles fazed her not a bit. She bowed to the regent, resplendent in Celestia's usual regalia, "I wish to report that the mission seemed to be a complete success."

"Wonderful," Shining Armor said dejectedly.

Cadence considered. "Celestia did make you regent, that means you have absolute power of life and death over everypony in Equestria."

There was a brief pause as Armor visibly brightened, then the sound of a stampede headed for the door. Cadence glanced around and realized only the guards, the usual staff, and two of the more reasonable nobles remained in the room.

"We know there's only one pony he'd be interested in using it on, and if he did, he couldn't give the job back to her," Eminent Sardonyx explained, "Now, back to question at hand, your Illustrious Serenity. All we need you to do, Regent Armor, is order one of us to make the division, and the other to select which piece they want. I'm afraid it'll take a royal order to make the idiots go along with the plan."

"Fine, pick a number between zero and ten," Armor said.

"Six"

"Pi."

"Six it is," Armor said, "Sardonyx, consult with whoever you wish, except me, and draw your dividing line. Fructus Torus, you shall select the section your family wishes to possess. Thank you."

"Thank you, your Illustrious Serenity," Sardonyx said.

"Beep, your Regency," Torus said.

Armor watched them leave. He sighed. "The real answer is, if I started with one idiot, I would never finish," she said quietly, "Did they at least enjoy themselves?"

"Yes, I think Celestia also enjoyed that Discord was probably spinning in frustration that he didn't think of half the things the star of the cinema did," Cadence said as she approached up the stairs and stood beside him on the throne. "Looks different from up here doesn't it?"

"Like a gilded cage," Armor said, "Absolute power, and second guessing everything you do and say, either yourself or someone else."

"Well, is there an opening for your Captain of the Guard? I can shout orders and growl with the best of them," Cadence said trying to look fierce.

"It's keeping your cool in the face of absolute stupidity that you have to master," he replied, "You tend to giggle too much. That and standing in one place for eight hours without once thinking how much you need to go to the bathroom."

Cadence crossed her hind legs. "Oh, I think I'm underqualified," Cadence said suddenly.

"Back there, the green door."

"I couldn't," Cadence gasped.

"You should, just once," Armor assured her.

"Well," she walked through the curtain at the back of the platform, and in through the green door. She retreated a moment later. "I can't believe she'd have a bathroom decorated that way!"

"Why not?" Armor asked innocently, "If you cover it in gold leaf and have it done by a famous sculptor, isn't it art?"

"I will not have those in my bathrooms," Cadence said, and shook her head, "That's just creepy."

"To each his own. I thought they were there for target practice."

Cadence looked at her stoic fiance and his absolutely neutral expression. She broke first and giggled. "I can't see . . . no, I can, why do I have no trouble imagining Celestia flying around the room and . . . acting like an incontinent pigeon. She'd never really do that."

"Yes, but you can think about doing exactly that," Armor said, "A stallion would have other options."

"You didn't!" Cadence gasped.

"Of course not. But I certainly thought about it," he said quietly, "Oh how I thought about it."

Cadence leaned close and whispered. "I wonder if the nobles know."

"I think a few of them are aware, because the fixtures are occasionally changed out," Armor whispered back, "If she asks you to pose for a statue, consider if you've offended her recently or not."

Cadence burst out laughing.


The gentle knocking had drawn Sveti's attention as she'd slipped out of the 'griffon room' to get a drink.

The mint green unicorn at the front door looked very worried.

"Are you here to see Twilight?" Sveti asked, "She returned very late. Lyra wasn't it?"

The unicorn nodded. "I know, I thought Twilight would be best, but I think you're a better choice. Pack a bag for a few days. We need to go to Canterlot, in a hurry."

"Why?" Sveti asked as she let Lyra in and closed the door. The unicorn set her saddlebags by the door.

"A good animal behaviorist does certain things, like tagging her subject. He's in Canterlot, somehow, in the palace. How do you think the guards who've only heard stories are going to react to that?"

"Oh boy," Sveti said and rolled her eyes, "Do we fly, teleport or risk the doorway?"

"I had actually planned on taking the train. There's a doorway all the way to Canterlot?" Lyra asked.

"There are three," Sveti said, "But I don't think any of them are particularly safe. The train is probably a good idea. I'll go pack some things." Sveti rushed back to her room.


Luna sighed. "I discovered a nonmagical way to determine if charge carriers are positive or negative, I realized that the cello notes and the orbits of electrons are both ponthagorian intervals, I realized that using a dam's turbine instead of the reciprocating motion of our trains will vastly reduce the maintenance times, and I realized how and why he overreacted to what is to us such simple interactions. It was like having my mind open and naked to the universe. Wanting desperately to take it all in, or to hide from everyone and everything." Luna raised her head and looked at her sister snuggled against her. "Was it like that with you?"

"Yes," Celestia said softly, "And wanting to fight the others to have my sister's attention all to myself, or drive you away to be with one of the others without distraction. Sometimes both at the same time." Celestia laughed. "They accuse Twilight Sparkle of 'catasptrophizing' I could have jumped off a dozen slippery slopes, but the thoughts vanished as soon as they arrived. I wasn't sure if I'd become the goddess they paint me as, or if I'd gone mad. Or if there was a difference between the two conditions. Discord did us a great favor, letting us see the world through his eyes, the way the monster sees us and our world. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't gone mad. What?" Celestia reacted to Luna's expression and posture of alarm.

"Discord said, the Big Guy told him that he thinks this is an afterlife of punishment, that he died and this is what follows. And that all of us are also victims of our fears, keeping us here," Luna said.

Celestia smiled. "And you think the Big Guy wasn't just playing with Discord?"

"I think he's being honest with Discord, to gain his trust. I think he actually believes it. Or after all that's happened, he's come to believe it."

"That is disturbing," Celestia admitted and considered, a hoof on her chin. The thought of teasing her sister flitted through her mind, and left unacted on. "I think you should tell him, tell him all you told me. Let Discord translate. The chaos of the event and the distress it caused will probably force an accurate translation from him."

Luna looked shocked and covered her head with her hooves. "I can't."

Celestia nuzzled her again. "Yes, you can. He forgives, but you must be honest with him. If Discord is right, he probably thinks part of his job is to help us grow out of our 'damnation'. If you are open, honest, and in pain, he will try to help you."

It's the implication that if he is dead, then death has no importance that worries me, Celestia didn't say to her younger sister.

"I can't," Luna moaned.

"He's over in my room enjoying a nice nap. It would be perfect," Celestia told her increasingly stunned sister.

"He's sleeping in your bed?" Luna gasped.

"Well, I wasn't using it," Celestia responded. "You should just pop in for a moment while he's still awake, and let him know about things."

" 'Things'?" Luna asked and was trembling.

"Not those things, although that's your business," Celestia said thoughtfully, "You can try that shapechange again, that would help explain things."

"I couldn't," Luna said and cowered.

"Oh, my bed can handle it. And other things."

Luna stared at her. "You mean you've . . . "

"No, but I caught a few guards in there once," Celestia said and smiled, "They should finish counting the penguins in a few more years."

"That's cruel," Luna said with a snicker.

"They could have asked permission," Celestia considered then whispered, "And you have mine."

Luna paled to almost Cadence's color.


The train rumbled along towards Canterlot. The car was nearly empty and no one else was awake. Lyra concentrated as she tried to localize exactly where in the palace 'the monster' had located himself. Sveti sat quietly opposite her and watched. Her failure brought a sigh.

"There are plenty of shielded areas of the castle. Especially the living quarters," Sveti said, "After all, where most ponies have magic, and all ponies have secrets, there are places you don't want anypony to look into."

"It doesn't help that his interactions with their Highnesses have not gone well," Lyra said and grinned, "You could be a very good animal behaviorist."

"I'm a griffon studying ponies," Sveti said, "I already am."

"But this one is definitely not a pony," Lyra said, "I'm not quite ready to say definitely it is a human, since the few contraindication are very strong."

"Like what?" Sveti asked.

Lyra looked up from her spell casting. "It hasn't bonded with the pony most like it," Lyra said, "The old pony tales say that like attracts like. Trixie and Derpy Hooves are as unalike as you can get. So I'm left with, are the old pony tales just that, or is this not really a human. It also hasn't led a group of ponies on an adventure. Adventures either come to it."

"At him," Sveti corrected.

"Yes, or it, he stays at home, or adventures alone. Again, a strong contraindication, or the facts aren't passed down properly. Maybe young females are that way, and older males stay home and keep the house and raise the children." Lyra snorted in irritation. "I just wish I could ask. I understand how frustrated Pinkie Pie gets with him." She reached out a hoof. "The answer is right there, just out of reach. And straining will just push it farther away."

"Be patient. You haven't irritated him the way Pinkie and Sparkle have, and I don't think he's as frightened of you as he is the Princesses," Sveti said. "So, if I'm supposed to guard him, how do I do that without intruding."

"You just stay near without being as close as Trixie is, or Pinkie Pie tried to be. You also might want to practice your art where he can see. Maybe I could play a cadence and that will get him curious about both of us. His own curiosity is our best tool. By making him investigate us, it invites us to return the interest."

"Interesting," Sveti said and preened a wing to hide her grin.


Sleep had been avoiding him. He felt more exhausted than sleepy, and somehow that weariness kept the sleep that would relieve it at bay. That his mind raced endlessly in all directions about trivial worries wasn't helping. He was aware of Trixie watching him. She was nearly dead on her hooves but seemed unwilling to sleep if he wasn't. She's afraid I'll run away again, he considered.

The sight of Princess Luna entering the room drove any thought of sleep from his mind as he sat up. Trixie bowed and tried to burrow into her covers at the same time. The pony princess seemed alarmed at the panicked reaction of the two others. Her transforming from a mare to a beautiful, human female, one retaining horn, wings, and ethereally-blown hairstyle did nothing to reduce his adrenaline-fueled panic, and Trixie was staring open-mouthed at the figure.

"Someone is putting two and two together and coming up with three's a crowd," Discord said in his head.

She's talking, can you give me a translation, or a precis? he replied.

Luna had started speaking, but the words came faster and faster. Then a tear trickled down her cheek, then another.

Discord? he asked his 'head-guest'.

"Just hug her," Discord said quietly.

Excuse me? he asked.

"Just do it!" Discord shouted, "I'll explain later. Just trust me for once."

He looked at Trixie, who looked a bit like a beaten dog expecting another beating. He looked at Luna, whose words seemed to be tumbling out without rhyme or reason, and her tears had become a steady stream. He waved her towards him.

He was looking up at the ceiling, Luna still talking a mile-a-minute into his stomach, and he had the brief memory of barely avoiding a disemboweling with the horn on her forehead. The rest of Luna, legs, arms and wings were wrapped around him like a strangler fig around a tree.

I should be enjoying this, but her hysterical tone doesn't help, he thought.

"Hysterical might be apropos, in the original meaning," Discord provided.

Oh crap, he replied.

"No, relax," Discord told him, "It's more an apology and explanation that a declaration of war. I'll explain it, but I'm trying not to enjoy it too much right now."

That really doesn't help, he replied. He looked over at Trixie, and nodded towards Luna. The mare's eyes grew wide and she shook her head slightly. He glared at her and she slunk out of the safety of the bedding and over to the edge of the bed. She gave one last plaintive look, before carefully climbing onto the bed beside Luna. She stroked the princess's back and spoke softly. Luna quit speaking, and began to sob hopelessly instead. Then she returned to pony form. Her cries didn't diminish, but she quit shuddering with her sobs. Trixie looked a mix of apologetic and apoplectic, but continued offering comfort and reassuring tones to the princess.

He lay on his back ignoring Discord's occasional titter of laughter, followed by a door slamming and presumably, muffled guffaws, before the chaos spirit returned to listen further.

This is not shaping up to be a good day, he thought quietly.


Celestia noted the return of her sister, who lay down beside her and fell asleep immediately. She laid a wing over her and rested her head where she could watch her sister's dreaming face. It did her good, Celestia thought, Although I have no idea how even Discord could translate what she said at the end.

Luna snuggled against her, and made soft cooing sounds as she dreamed of better, simpler days.


She was drunk on being human? he asked as he lay staring up at the ceiling. Trixie had returned to her 'nest' and buried herself in the covers as soon as Luna had left.

"Intoxicated is a better word," Discord replied, "Look, ponies have no impulse control."

I've noticed that, he replied.

"They don't need it. If a pony seems random, it because they are a little more mentally active than the standard. But nopony will willingly walk up to the edge of a cliff they've looked over a dozen times, to look over it again just because. And nopony will even briefly consider jumping off that cliff, unless they can already fly. You would, and then you'd squash the impulse instantly. Ponies aren't like that. The randomest pony can't hold a candle to your brain. And if your memories are correct, you're considered steady and dependable. More Applejack than Twilight or Pinkie Pie."

Not that I think you're lying, but prove it, he replied.

"Okay, easy. When between the time Luna transformed into that beautiful female of your type, and her starting to speak, you had eight-hundred and twenty-three thoughts that went through your mind. Most were fully-formed plans of action. Leaving off those that involved sex, violence and escape, we're left with one-hundred seventeen. Taking a moment in that situation to actual consider where's the best Reuben sandwich in Canterlot is a bit random even for my tastes."

That's one, he replied.

"Okay, why the sudden interest in potassium permanganate and peroxide?"

Rocket fuel, he replied.

"I am not going to ask why the sudden interest in rocket fuel," Discord admitted, "You also considered the Equestrian Internal Revenue Service, whether her hair was powered by electrostatics or real 'aetheric winds', and the stress calculation on the horn growing out of a human skull. Enough examples?"

And that's huge difference between me and most ponies? he asked quizzically, So what was her problem? he asked.

"Luna isn't the randomest of ponies ordinarily, she's a bit more introspective, but she catastrophizes like Sparkle. If she didn't, she might have, well, asked someponies what they were doing sleeping through her 'beautiful night'. Their responses might have cured the problem. But she stayed with what she was 'supposed to do' and her doubts ate her alive."

Literally, he said, So a shapechanger didn't go 'down to the shop floor' and ask? Good grief!

"Are you seeing her problem? When she's human, it's like flying in a hurricane instead of walking. She's tough enough not to be terrified, but that makes it intoxicating. Thinking so many things at once."

Being Human, the ultimate acid trip for ponies, he said, Don't get any ideas.

"Oh, like making a plant that when eaten paralyzes your extremities and makes you think like a human for ten minutes. I'd never even consider such a thing. Should they be red, or blue?"

Good Lord, I've corrupted Discord, he replied, Make them black and white. Dull, like an old cartoon. Then they'll really stand out.

"I wish I could say the same," Discord said. "Speaking of weird thoughts, what is with you?" Discord asked disgustedly, "She comes in, beautiful, shapely, near totally human, wonderfully female, and so emotionally vulnerable and needy, and you play the eunuch uncle. 'There there my dear.' Why didn't you take the opportunity presented, no, thrust in your face? I watched. You discarded those impulses faster than the ones to jump out the window."

Why didn't you? he asked angrily, Twirl your moustache, no the other way, 'heh, Celestia my pretty, give yourself to me body and soul, and I'll leave your ponies alone.' 'Oh Discord, you are too cruel, but I will surrender myself to your foul despoilment if it spares my ponies.'

There was the sound of a bear trap snapping shut. "I'm no rapist, it's no fun that way," he heard Discord muttering as he stomped off.

Same here.


The maid entered and looked around quizzically. He noted that Trixie was not present. He looked to the Earth pony in the maid outfit, and emitted a stentorian belch. "Excuse me," he apologized to the wild-eyed mare. She stepped back out of the room, and closed the door. A moment later a dozen guards poured in and while some tackled him, others tried to drag him from the bed. The result was confusion, angrily shouted commands he was unable to interpret, and because of conflicting actions by the guards, unable to follow.

He weathered their panicked overreaction as best he could. As some pulled, some pushed and some just twisted whatever they got their hooves on. They settled on dragging him down the hall with his arms and legs at full extension and in joint locks.

That wasn't the smartest thing I could have done, he confided.

"You think?" Discord replied.

You're just jealous, he replied.

"Jealous? You just got beaten up and they're dragging you to the dungeons," Discord replied.

Yes, for eating Celestia or Luna, I'll bet, he replied.

"Oh course, that's what the maid shouted to the guards," Discord replied.

So, you had the power to do that, I only have a vague reputation and the maid thought it was the only explanation, and the guards instantly bought into it. Not that I was a bedwarmer that Celestia had exhausted and left while she was washing up, oh no. I overpowered and ate her. The idea that there was no blood or evidence of a struggle, and no evidence I have a belly full of 1000 pounds of horse meat, bones and feathers certainly adds to the story. It also doesn't say much about the judgment and logic of the Canterlot maids and guards, he thought.

"I think you're crazy," Discord replied.

You're entirely welcome to think like that, he mentally replied, I wonder if it's summary execution, or imprisonment and a trial. Can you imagine how Celestia would flip out if her ponies exterminated me for killing her?

"Aren't you worried about the 'killed' part?" Discord asked.

I'd be more worried about what leads up to the actually dying part, he thought, That could get really painful. I mean if they were going to kill me, they would have cut me open on Celestia's bed, not dragged me off to the dungeons. You know, there were instances where people didn't tip the headman, and he took a couple of strokes to chop off somebody's head. Can you imagine how painful that would be? I do wonder what happened to Trixie.

"I think you've completely lost it," Discord said.

No, this isn't dangerous, just ridiculous, he replied, So far.


Lyra exited the train and cantered down the nearly empty streets of Canterlot. Dawn was not even a hint on the horizon. Sveti flew easily behind her.

"We have to hurry," Lyra urged.

"Why, the rush. He's under the Princesses' personal protection," Sveti said, and reminded herself that this was not a friendly city for her.

"I don't look at what I want something to be," Lyra said, "I look at what is. And their Highnesses having had a good record dealing with him is not what is. Whatpony knows what could happen."

Sveti shrugged and followed the unicorn.


"I wasn't expecting this," Trixie said of the group in the red, hooded robes arrayed around her.

"No one expects the Stallion Inquisition!" the first hooded figure proclaimed, only to have the hood slip and cover his face, "Amongst our weaponry is -"

Trixie bucked all three figures. "Intelligence?" Trixie asked the unconscious Inquisitors and trotted back to the bedroom. "Canterlot Castle," she realized, "Has to be. Nowhere else in all Equestria has enough stupid ponies who'd steal a routine from 'Mountgomery the Oracle of Delphilly' and treat it seriously."

She paused as she saw the massive increase in the guard force and a number of detectives in and around the entrance to where they'd been sleeping. There was one guard and he was asleep. What happened? Trixie wondered and carefully wandered away from the scene, I know exactly where to get some information. She headed for a maid's cupboard she'd passed earlier.


"Regent! Regent!" the panicked functionary raced into the throne room, along with dozens of nobles. "We've captured a monster! He broke into Celestia's royal chambers!"

"Celestia must have been feeling down. The last assassin she captured, wound up as a footstool."

"No, sire, the monster subdued and consumed the Solar Diarch!" the functionary exclaimed. Behind him, the nobles began muttering in fear.

"Has Princess Luna been located?" Shining Armor asked, finding the entire story a little hard to believe.

"No, sir, but our first job was to alert you," the functionary exclaimed.

"Guard, find Princess Luna and alert her about this," Shining Armor told the soldier who'd arrived with the nobles, who stared back in fear. "Yes, private, now!"

"Sir," the guard saluted and dashed off

"Take me to see this monster," Shining ordered, but none of the guards moved.

"Shining," Cadence said quietly, "Even if it isn't true, you are the standing ruler of Equestria. They will not let you go into that kind of danger."

Armor glanced at the tiara on his head and nearly threw it across the room. "I want the condition of Princess Luna verified, I want the officer in charge of this creature's detention brought to me. And I want a good diagram or drawing of the creature in my hooves in ten minutes, or their will be dire consequences. Not as regent, BUT AS THE COMMANDING OFFICER OF THE SOLDIERS WHO LET DOWN THE RULER!" He found himself again nearly alone with the guards, a few staff and Cadence. "Hmm, the nobles think there's a draft. Interesting." He turned to Cadence. "Aren't you afraid of me?" he asked teasingly.

"Someone has to guard the Regent," Cadence said fiercely and saluted, then beeped him. "I seriously doubt that anything could have snuck up on my aunt and eaten her. Not without her leveling the building first. Relax, you didn't fail her."

Armor nodded. "I agree she wasn't eaten, but the nobles are going to be stirred up for weeks over this. And she'll have to live through that. That will be definitely be my fault."


Lyra cantered through the halls, the general chaos looked like Discord had escaped, and so blending in to the panicking crowds was easy. Sveti had put on a sash and a few accouterments from her luggage, explaining that she was now part of the griffon security service and therefore had diplomatic access to certain places.

"Then what am I?" Lyra asked as she let her tracking spell lead her toward the monster.

"Hired mercenary guard," Sveti said.

Lyra nearly laughed at that. Then she stopped and triangulated the locator spell's results. "Bad news, he's in the dungeons. The deep ones. I don't think even you can bluff your way past that."

"Fortunately, I won't have to bluff," the sergeant behind them announced.

Lyra whirled and then grinned. "Milestone, you old crazy," she said and hugged the stallion. "I wish we'd had time to have some tea in Ponyville."

"I'm afraid I have to draft both of you. Lyra, 'Svetlana', you both are a deft hand with a sketch pad, and I've got seven minutes to get a sketch in the regent's hooves."

"Regent?" Lyra asked as she galloped alongside the stallion.

"Their Highnesses wanted to be 'off' for the cinema, so they picked a unicorn to look after things. I think he'll gladly abdicate when the sisters are located."

"Regent of Equestria?" Sveti asked, "What poor sucker got stuck with that job?"


The collection of functionaries stood in a cloud before the door to Luna's quarters. As Trixie adjusted her purloined uniform and carefully swept her way towards the door, she heard brief bits of conversation. He didn't eat Celestia, she considered the murmurs, And these idiots are more worried about telling Luna than they are of the monster who ate their ruler. Whom does that speak worse of, Luna or the palace functionaries?

She pushed the broom along the baseboard, and these high-class ponies who wouldn't have looked at 'The Great and Powerful Trixie' twice, or let her through the press, parted to avoid close contact with a janitor. Trixie reached the door, pulled it open and to everyponies' shock, went inside.

Princess Celestia was on Princess Luna's bed comforting her younger sister. Both Diarchs raised their heads at Trixie's approach. Celestia recognized her in the maid outfit and began to smile.

Trixie cut off her greeting. "Highness, I deeply appreciate the loan of the bed for a night," Trixie said as she bowed, "But I think you'd better see some people before they execute the Big Guy for having eaten you alive in your own quarters."

"WHAT!?"

The stunned expression on both sisters' faces almost made it all worth it.


I wonder if those ponies understand what they've done, he thought as he hung from the four ropes tied tight to the rings set deep into the walls. Two on his wrists, two on his ankles and all in serious tension.

"I think they know they tied you up," Discord replied, "Although with a pony on each rope, I was half expecting them to draw and quarter you."

They still may, he thought and considered the metal 'hockey mask' they'd hastily cobbled together and strapped to his face, after they took all his other clothing. I was thinking more about what they actually achieved. This is a form of execution, one so painful and humiliating that they had to come up with a new word for it: excruciating.

"Do you have to discuss such maudlin things?" Discord asked, "I get that being hung by your wrists, with your arms at full stretch is pretty close to crucifixion. I think they did it, just like the mask, to keep you from eating one of them. And can we change the subject? You're getting extremely weird."

Sorry, I get distracted and mine mind wanders. I'll just clear my mind, he said,

"Thank you."


PAIN!


"Back! Back! BACK!" Discord shouted, cracking a whip. "Okay, let's stick with creepy maunderings and keep you nice and distracted."

Glad to. This is an excellent opportunity. There's a great disagreement whether a person dies of suffocation or dehydration. You see when they broke the legs it sped the death, so people assumed the legs supported the victim, allowing them to breathe. But some say you can breathe easily in this posture, and the broken legs sped death by fat embolism, and wound trauma. Here, I have tension pulling my legs down, so the weight factor is magnified. Not only can I get no support from my legs, they are pulling me down.

"Fascinating," Discord said, "Are you missing the whole 'execution ends in dying' part of this. And don't tell me that because you're in Hell, you will come back. I don't think you want to go out this way."

Certainly not. But this way usually took hours to days to kill. It was perfect to give everyone in a vicinity to go and see the suffering and death. I figure they'll have this all straightened out in a couple hours tops. Enough to give a good scare, but not enough to kill, he thought, And I would rather go another way. Much too painful. Okay, you want to change the subject?

"Absolutely," Discord replied.

What's with you and Celestia? he asked.

There was a long pause. "Can we change the subject back?" Discord asked.

Not as distracting, he told the Chaos Spirit in his head.

"You know, just for this, I'm getting you some powers," Discord said.

If that's a threat, it doesn't come across as a very good one, he replied, And it isn't a good distraction. I already have powers. How else would I be in this mess? You yourself said they think I ate Celestia. Speaking of Celestia, do you just like her or more intense feelings?

Discord growled. "You remember the humanoid who was playing chase that first day? That's what she looks like to me. There happy? I admit it."

I seriously doubt it's just on appearances, he replied, She and you are designed along a completely different aesthetic.

"All right, it isn't just that. Like you, she tried to actually convince me. Like you are, that there was a better way. But order like she wanted isn't just, yeech, boring, it's physically and existentially painful. But neither one of us considered chaos the way you described it. Even her high and mightiness couldn't exist in the world she was trying to . . . you tricked me again."

Like I said, there are good and bad tricks, and good and bad chaos. With 'good' and 'bad' being arbitrary points in a continuum, he replied.

"Like Sveti and Lyra suddenly bursting into the room, with sketch pads? Where's that in your chaos continuum?" Discord said of the sudden addition to the room, "Have you been messing with them too?"

I doubt it, he replied.

"Hi ladies," he called and tried to wave, "Hi sergeant, long time no see. Fun's fun, but I think this is stretching things a bit, don't you?"

"They can't understand you," Discord reminded him.

They can't see my face either, just the rest of me that is normally covered with clothes. I hope they recognize my tone of voice, he replied, And that I'm trying to communicate.

"Then why are they frantically sketching you, instead of cutting you loose?" Discord asked.

You're the one who is the expert on insanity, here it is, he told Discord, Either explain it, or enjoy it. I'm going to go back to speculating on strange words. You know, words themselves are a funny thing. English borrowed words from everywhere, so they have letters with so many different pronunciations. Gee aych oh tee eye, you know how that is pronounced?

"Ghoti?" Discord asked, seemingly only half-listening, concentrating on the low murmurs among the three Equestrians.

I'll stop if they're saying something important, he offered.

"It seems the current ruler wants a sketch," Discord said quietly, "And your friends think a good enough sketch will set you free."

I'm all for that, he said, And there goes the griffon. Godspeed. God this hurts.

"Yes I think Celestia is beautiful!" Discord shouted.

Is it breaking loose? he asked.

"I prefer you distracted," Discord admitted.

Good job. So what makes her prettier than other ponies. Slim lines, height, mane and tail? What?

"What did you find so attractive?" Discord replied.

Breasts, long legs, long hair, voluptuous figure and a cheerful, playful demeanor, he replied, Your turn.

"Aren't you supposed to stammer and be embarrassed?" Discord asked.

I'm hanging naked in front of a bunch of horses, one who was so excited on our first meeting that jumping out a second story window was the restrained reaction. Besides, anything you wanted to know you could go look for. And you already knew my standards for beauty, or you wouldn't have made the altered Luna, Trixie and Celestia look the way they did.

"Ah," Discord admitted, "What's happening, those two suddenly became gray. The whole room became gray."

Either blood loss or oxygen depletion. The color vision goes before blindness and unconsciousness. What it really means is I'm in worse shape than I was guessing I was.

"Bad?" Discord asked.

Could be. I don't know what's wrong, he replied, Or if it's just fatigue. Could be I'm need something or I have too much, there's lots of possibilities.

"Let's discuss them shall we?" Discord offered.

Anything to prevent you admitting Celestia is cute? he asked.

"She's not cute!" Discord said. The silence of his chagrin was quite audible.

'Not cute' leaves only two polar opposites, he explained.

"Remind me to cast a 'want it, need it' spell on you and throw you into a hall full of Canterlot's finest," Discord growled.

If they don't string me up, he thought, It'll be an improvement. Hey, how about a song.

"I'm not sure this is the right - "

"Nonsense, the ponies are always singing," he said aloud, startling those in the room, "I think it would be wonderful if in fifty years people get Convoy and Rocket Man conflated so they think they're in the same genre: the aloneliness of the long-haul hauler, wouldn't that be nice?"

"I think you're scaring the ponies," Discord said.

"She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero hour, nine A.M. And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then."

"Random's normally good, but less is more right now," Discord told him.

"I miss the Earth so much, I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space, on such a timeless flight.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'til touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone."

"Okay the color is back, but it's completely different and there's halos around everything," Discord observed, "I get the feeling that's not an improvement."

"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'til touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone."

"You're really scaring the ponies," Discord warned.


I finally understand why she sends Sparkle off on all those missions, Trixie thought as she dashed ahead through the corridors of Canterlot, then stopped to wait for the Princess. If she had to wait for all the bowing and scraping to end after she giving instructions, no one would be saved from the monsters. All we needed was a set of flipping directions. She glanced back to see if Her Celestial Highness had disentangled herself from the most recent set of nobles and functionaries who couldn't reconcile the princess standing there, and the rumors she'd been eaten by a monster. If I never come back to this castle, it'll be too soon, Trixie thought as she headed in the direction that last batch of soldiers had directed.

She had to wait at the next checkpoint, until Celestia caught up. Then the fawning over her began anew. Trixie took the opportunity to go through and race to the next point. Finally the cellblocks, she thought, These places don't look like they've been used for years. I wonder if the rumor she turns the incorrigibles to stone is accurate. If that's the case, Nightmare should have had a whole army to summon.

"Sorry," the Princess whispered to Trixie, once the fear, trembling and jumping up and down with joy among the guard force had ended. "Let us in," Celestia commanded.

"Highness, it's not safe," the soldier said, a mix of fear and respect.

The air was already dank, and the fear smell of many ponies was not helping.

"I must insist," Celestia said patiently, "Now."

The soldiers looked at each other, and reluctantly opened the gates to permit their sovereign access.

"Wouldn't a teleport be a better idea?" Trixie asked as they entered the cell block proper.

"It's well shielded," Celestia explained. "We could wind up inside the walls."

"Good reason," Trixie agreed.

They arrived quickly enough, and the sound was noticeable.

"They're torturing him," Celestia said in anguished tones.


Svetlana ignored the masses of ponies beneath her as she soared outside the walls of the palace. She spotted a walkway just outside the throne room and landed. The guards converged.

"Sketch for the Regent!" she shouted to them and brandished the drawings, so instead of arrest, she was hustled into Shining Armor's presence.

"You?" he asked quizzically.

"He's the Ponyville monster. His face was covered but the shading on the skin of his arms and the scars on his hands is the same," she told him as she passed the sketches to the officer who ran them up the stairs to Shining Armor and Cadence. "I'd suggest expediting his release."

"Do it," Armor ordered the guards. "Where's Luna?"

"Here," the Lunar Diarch said, as she slammed the door behind her to prevent the jubilant hosts following her from entering the already crowded room. "Celestia was with me. One day off and this happens?"

"You have my sincerest apologies and my immediate resignation," Armor said.

"No, you get to deal with them, Celestia and I will deal with the crisis," Luna said, then grinned, "Enjoy. Oh, you have a week's leave with full pay after your term ends. Ponyville sounds quiet about now."

"Yes, Highness," Armor said, "I may just stay there." He watched as Luna flung open the door and soared over the crowd that tried to surge in. "Both Diarchs have been located and are well. They are dealing with the current crisis personally. We should allow them to do their work unimpeded," he announced loudly to the nervous masses. He did the best service he could think of, as the influx of panicked functionaries was ebbing, allowing the chance that some would get out. He signaled the doors be closed and locked. "I assure you that you are all safe here with me." He raised his shield to prevent any of them from escaping to get under the Diarchs' hooves while those two actually solved the problem.


"Cut him down," Celestia ordered.

"No, Highness," Lyra shouted in alarm, then bowed, "Lowering him carefully will be better."

"When did you learn veterinary medicine?" Milestone asked.

"Talking with Fluttershy," Lyra admitted, "Highness we should get him on his feet, then Trixie and I can support his arms and let him settle. While a pony might not be harmed by an hour being strung like that, he's half our weight and half-again our size. The square-cube law definitely applies."

"Very well," Celestia's horn glowed and the knots untied themselves, but the ropes slackened then set him on his feet. The glow of Lyra's and Trixie's magic surrounded his arms as the ropes fell slack. The two let him drop to his knees as they lowered him, letting him rest his weigh on their support. He continued to collapse until he looked like he was prostrating himself before Celestia.

The Princess looked very uncomfortable at the display, and his ragged breathing. Once his arms touched the ground, he tied to fold them down. Instead he emitted a gut-wrenching cry of pain. Followed by some intense babbling than was clearly not hostile, and wasn't quite pleading. Celestia shied back slightly at the sight.

"Get the Royal Veterinarian in here, contact the griffon doctors, and the specialist who helped with Spike's raising. Don't delegate, do it yourself, and get then down here now," she told the guard commander. The mare nodded and galloped off. "Is it safe to move him?"

Lyra touched the side of his throat with a foreleg and concentrated. "Very iffy," she admitted, "Maybe Fluttershy or Zecora?"

"Trixie, you know the way," Celestia said.

"Teleportation would be quicker," Luna said as she stuck her head around the corner of the doorframe. Celestia looked back, then up.

"Too many ponies on the floor, and not many on the ceilings," Luna explained as she hung upside down, looking more like SpiderMare than a Princess. "Trixie, come with me." She levitated the mare and disappeared down the corridor galloping on the ceiling.

"Make him comfortable," Celestia said, she took a step forward, then shied back again. Her uncertainty over the situation playing on her face.


"You did nothing wrong." Celestia had never expected to hear those words directed at her, let alone by her sister.

Celestia hung her head. She was again in Luna's room, her own bed was the monster's resting place and she left the experts to work. "Then why with certain ponies do my best efforts turn in my hooves. A simple night's sleep." She spread her wings. "Under the benevolent aegis of the Pony Sisters." She furled them. "And this happens. Would we have been better off rubbing him with honey and garlic and throwing him into the middle of the Everfree Forest?"

"Perhaps you should take Discord's approach," Luna said.

Celestia saw Luna's smile before she raised an eyebrow to encourage her to continue.

"Stop helping. Let the currents take him where they will. The Everfree is a good example. He's capable of, even used to living in a much less controlled and protected environment. But that same control and protection has to be understood, or he runs into walls. The only time he really resented the other ponies' presence was when they were inside his house. That crazy comment from Discord shows that he needs a place to be himself, and then he can come out and play the off-kilter pony for the rest of us."

"Are you saying he doesn't need help?" Celestia asked, "He thinks Equestria is a punishment."

"Have we done well to prove that wrong?" Luna asked archly. "I threaten the one thing he desperately needs, your simple plans fly to pieces, and the few ponies who have been most welcome are the ones we all pass by, while we treat him as 'The Great Work.'"

Celestia chuckled at Luna's pompous tone. "Very well, what do we do?"

"Delegate. We let our best expert on the subject solve the problem for us," Luna said.

"Lyra?" Celestia asked.

"No, the Big Guy. He does understand he's a problem, and is already working to solve it. If he doesn't like something, he's shown himself quite capable of expressing his displeasure and resistance," Luna commented and mimed driving her hoof onto Celestia's horn.

Celestia winced at the memory of him driving his palm down on her horn, and glaring at her while his blood ran down her face. "Nightmare proved that as well," Celestia agreed.

Luna grinned. "I think Fluttershy guessed it, his task in life was solving problems. Most of the problems have been monsters, but now he's got another one. Now he knows he is one, we should let his expertise deal with it."

"Agreed." Celestia steeled herself. "Now I have to go and 'be disappointed in' the maid and the officer who caused all of this."

"Wouldn't it be more merciful to just shoot them?" Luna asked and shuddered.

"Pinkie hasn't built the party cannon big enough for them to load inside," Celestia said.


Cadence walked through the hallway towards Celestia's quarters. Shining Armor was waiting until Celestia 'had a talk' with the ponies who started this. When last seen he was practicing his icy stare. I finally understand why that mirror is polished steel instead of silvered glass, she thought as she saw Rarity trying to calm two Ponyvillians who were nervously pacing in interlocked figure-eights around several baskets of coat, mane and tail care products.

"Hello Rarity," she called out, and beeped the nervous fashionista. She was glad Rarity could unwind and beep her in return.

"Your Highness, I am so glad we could be of assistance. Although I admit, I never thought my talents would be put into practice this way."

"Trixie noticed it, and Lyra figured out the specifics. It makes sense that a creature without a coat would want soft, smooth bedding. I imagine that what we consider acceptable would seem like burlap would to us," Cadence said and looked at the nervous ponies, "I apologize, I haven't made your acquaintance. I'm Cadence."

"Aloe," said the light blue with a rose mane.

"Lotus," said the rose with the light blue mane.

"They helped, well, make the ponies softer," Rarity offered.

"Softer?" Cadence asked.

"Yes. Derpy and Trixie pointed out, and Fluttershy and Lyra agreed, that while he might not want people traipsing through his home, he always enjoyed having a group of ponies to look out for him in another venue. Typically when recovering in a hospital. I added that if he was so sensitive to the roughness of the fabric, he might appreciate a softness of the ponies. I also think the scent of the sheets, jasmine and rose would help calm him. Scent can be a very powerful memory trigger."

"It's good to know, and I'm sure much appreciated that he has such friends looking out for him," Cadence said, "What was the cause of his troubles this time?"

"Dislocated knees. He was fine when they were being pulled on," Rarity said, "But when he put weigh back on them, they must have hurt terribly."

Cadence grimaced. "Well, are you staying the night? I'm sure you'd be happier in quarters, rather than pacing the halls."

"Thank you," Lotus said.

"But we might be needed," Aloe added.

Rarity grinned and shrugged.

Cadence nodded her understanding and turned to head to her own quarters. Still one person to talk to.

"I need to check something," she said as she sat down beside the door and concentrated. She was overjoyed to see most of the relationships in the web of feelings around the Big Guy were strong. Trixie even allowing Lyra the position of bolster/pillow while she concentrated on a few low-powered healing spells on the wounded legs. The relationship she'd been most worried about seemed strong, if strangely convoluted.


"Hello," Cadence called in the oddly empty mental architecture. It looked like the inside of a normal pony house: rugs on the floors, plenty of windows, pictures and cabinets hung from the walls, even a set of stairs leading to the upper floors. The problem was, there were no walls, no floor and no ceiling, but everything acted as if there were. She walked over to the windows and one looked out at a very pleasant meadow. The one right next to it looked out at the sea amid a terrible storm. The windows on the opposite wall looked out on what she guessed was the moon, and the sun. The glass was rather warm on that side.

Discord walked out wearing matched slippers, which were jarring on his mismatched feet, a smoking jacket that was still smoking, and a beret hanging from one horn. Behind him was a table that used it's multiple legs to walk. On it was a very elegant tea service. "Hello, welcome to my home away from home. The neighbors are scary, but once I made friends with the artillerymen, they don't give me much trouble."

The table walked up beside her and the teapot and cup did a dance that wound up with tea in a cup.

"I'm stealing from Yen Sid, sue me . . . strike that," Discord said. "What did I do to invoke your attention?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing," Cadence said, and sipped the tea, it was strong but sweet.

"Oh, he terrifies and intrigues me in turns. How much of what I told Luna filtered down?" Discord asked. He added a bit more sugar to the tea. A pink mushroom cloud exploded over it. Then he sipped it and made a face. He put that face over his own, fortunately it was smiling.

"That he needs some privacy, and thinks he was damned here," Cadence said. "I'm not sure if that's a persecution complex, or just crazy. But after what happened today, I can't say he's absolutely wrong."

"Well, today taught me why someponies don't adore chaos," Discord admitted, "And highlighted why he was harping on 'life-affirming' chaos. It's tedious, but terrifying." Discord considered. "How is Celestia taking the incident?"

"Blaming herself," Cadence said.

Discord snorted disgustedly. "Some people are beyond her control," he said flatly, "She needs to learn that."

"I think she is," Cadence said, then grinned, "Should I tell her you asked?"

Discord blushed, then seemed to gather himself. "If you think she needs to hear it."

Cadence raised an eyebrow at that, but continued, "Any advice for Luna, she's taking it rather hard as well."

"Yes, drag that bed out of the Pony Sister's castle and put it in his house. It doesn't get any simpler than that. Half the guards saw him naked, and figured out he's of interest to all the alicorns. So no surprise there." Discord considered. "Can you do me, and Celestia, and Big Guy a favor?"

"I'm certainly willing to hear it," Cadence replied.

"Just to really quash any rumors about exactly what was going on in Celestia's bed while he was sleeping in it alone. He did eat Celestia. At her request, and she cut her way out with her horn. Combat training."

Cadence tried to just snicker, then guffawed. "Oh, that is infinitely worse that some of the rumors kicking about. And I think I can get Shining Armor to officially deny it. That'll give it even more weight. But how do you explain no damage, and no blood?"

"They cleaned it up," Discord said. "He was just resting after the events and she was showering up, or bathing, whichever. He went along with the guards because he thought it was another test. You know, master of escape and unpony-magic, slayer of Tyrants. Celestia just wanted to be sure if she ever went 'Nightmare' somepony could stop her."

Cadence was still snickering. "I think I will drop that information in a few appropriate ears. Better than that the alicorn sisters are in season. You can imagine what the nobles are terrified of if Celestia has more offspring."

"Puts them further down the power ladder. Not that any of them would ever get more than a sniff of the throne. You, Luna, and a half-dozen others have better claims, and worse, you could work it out without a full-fledged war. The nobles would fight each other for a dozen years. You've got all the factions you need for a very messy, very ugly civil war. The Three Kingdoms period has nothing on the factions now," Discord said, "If I'd really been on my game in my 'evil' phase, I would have eliminated the Windingos and let the ponies keep going the way they were going."

"I'm glad you didn't." Cadence considered. "Where are the old kingdoms any way?"

"Out of easy reach," Discord said, "You have enough things to worry about."

Cadence nodded. "Is he going to get better?"

"I will do my best. A few days with no excitement may not do me any good, but they might do him some good. As well as a few ponies who might miss him when he's gone."

"I thought he thought he wouldn't stay dead," Cadence said.

"He still might not come back here," Discord pointed out. "That's my leverage."

"Good luck," Cadence said, and meant it.


Cadence shook her head as she returned to herself. My link with Discord is a little worrying, she thought, He seems to have changed from what my aunts described, but how much is real, and how much is him playing games with me? she wondered as she nodded to Rarity, Lotus and Aloe and continued to her quarters.


Celestia stood with the maid and the guard lieutenant who'd instigated the incident. Shining Armor stood impassively in the corner, letting her begin the work. She'd decided she needed to make an example of the two of them.

She bowed her head low, almost to the floor. "Again, I'm very sorry for having put you both through such a traumatic experience, by just going off for a single night to see a movie. If I'd know this would happen, I would never have considered such a reckless and selfish course of action," she said in a truly apologetic tone.

The maid mare looked like she'd have to be put on suicide watch, and the soldier stallion looked like even if Shining Armor recommended a firing squad it would be better. To Celestia, it was proof they were worth saving.

"I am glad to tell you that my guest also forgives you this little misunderstanding," she said sadly and dug her hoof into the carpet nervously, "He's wonderfully tolerant, but is very disappointed in my promise that he would be safe under my own wings as it were, after all the trials and troubles he so nobly strove against. Imagine facing all of Equestria's greatest foes alone and unafraid, then being dragged from your bed in Canterlot Castle of all places. But he took it in stride." She shook her head. "What a sad life he must have lead to accept a such failing by a friend and not hold it against her." She raised her head and looked at the two who stood there miserable and nodding. "He actually thought it was funny, that he'd attack me in my own quarters, and that my subjects would actually think he could win." She shook her head. "What a lack of trust and friendship he must be used to. And I was hoping to show him Equestria was different." She sighed despondently. She looked up. "I am sorry, I shouldn't burden you with my problems. I sincerely apologize."

The two just nodded miserably.

"I shouldn't take up any more of your time," she said and nodded to both of them. The stallion was openly crying and the mare looked like she was ready for the world to end.


Shining Armor knew applauding would have undermined everything the Princess was trying to accomplish. She'd also looked so disconsolate as the walked out trying to 'act brave'. I thought I could do the 'you've disappointed me' to break even a veteran soldier. That act of hers would draw tears from a stone, he thought as returned his attention to the two victims of the performance. And it is a vast improvement over just screaming at them like a mad thing. It also quickly sorts out those you want to keep from those you ought to throw away.

"Ma'am, report to the chief steward," he said, and the maid let out an anguished wail before running from the room.

That idiot will just scream at her, she'll cry, and then her friends will all cluster around her, Armor thought, This one is mine to finish. He noted the tears streaming down the stallion's face from essentially being told her Solar Highness couldn't take a day off, or invite a friend to her quarters because of him and her.

"Corporal, I have just a few questions," Armor asked in a controlled tone. The former lieutenant didn't bat an eye at his sudden demotion.

"Sir." The stallion saluted, but couldn't get his tear ducts to obey.

"Are you aware that you violated long-standing orders that upon discovering anything unusual in their Highnesses quarters, the officer of the day is to be informed?"

"Sir, yes, sir."

"Perhaps I should have made the order more clear. Posting it outside the day room in hoof-high letters was perhaps insufficient? Or is it that you assumed your soldiers would follow the rules so you didn't have to delegate? That's the way a corporal acts, leaving the sergeant and the officers to do the thinking. A lieutenant is paid to think. While a sergeant is there to point out where that thinking has led in the past." Armor faced the defrocked lieutenant. "How were you thinking? Like a lieutenant, a sergeant, or a corporal."

"Sir, corporal, sir."

"Now if something that could have taken on the Solar Diarch had been in there, what would have happened to your squad? Would any of them have survived long enough to warn the rest of us?" Armor asked reasonably.

"Sir, no, sir," the despondent corporal said.

"You're learning. When you learn to stand back and think for a moment, then you can try to be an officer. Now, go move your gear from the bachelor officer quarters, to the noncom barracks."

"Sir, yes, sir." The stallion saluted and dashed away.

At least he gets to be punished, Armor thought, I have the most disastrous regency in recorded history, and it was only for one day. I think I will go to Ponyville. Maybe Twilie needs another assistant. Maybe something in the Everfree will eat me.


Rocket Man
Songwriters: Elton John, Bernie Taupin

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