Letting you all see the imagination of the lad behind the computer moniter. I am a young man who enjoys the show and enjoys a bit of critisism.
Equestrias past is know but much of it is still unknown we will see the hardships on one of the unknown pieces of equestrias history, we will follow a guard, long forgotten in the times of old, back when the war had started between Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia
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So The chapter name is NOT very clever because im just not good with titles
nooooo! another on my read later list! lol Have some Pinkies.
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Oh my, is it that good?
Tragedy AND comedy?
Oh my.
1779009
Get yourselves ready!!!
And i think the tragedy of this chapter was Pinkie Pie not getting her lemonade
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1779041
The tragedy is actually going t be found somewhere along the line of chapter two
Okay you know what, maybe tragedy and sad are two totally different things
Critics are welcomed
Well well well, what have we here? Round two? I think so.
Originally, the beginning didn't quite make sense to me since it kind of felt like Luna knew exactly where she was going for her soldier. Which would beg the question 'why didn't she do that sooner?'
Then I remembered 'oh wait, thousand years on the moon'.
So I assume after Luna returned, she spent some nights looking for her soldier. Then found him and dumped him on Sweet Apple Acres?
...seems legit. If that was your plan, that is. If it was, bravo for the forethought!
Pinkie in my experience seems to have more of a method to her madness, and you seem to be writing her a bit... I can't exactly say that's NOT Pinkie but it's something you could work on for the future.
Also quick grammar lesson. New paragraph whenever a new character speaks. You've got AJ and AB talking in the same one and it threw me for a sec. Keep that in mind.
Moving on to chapter two.
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Critics are here.
Alright, not too bad. One real issue though, you suck at ye olde english. Work on that.
Might be news to you, but the word 'thine' pretty much means 'your'. Now read through the entire chapter knowing that. 'Nuff said.
Also some of the sentences are just... weird. For one thing, Silver Blade wouldn't use the royal 'we'. Quick history lesson, monarchs referred to themselves as 'we' and 'us' and all that jazz because they spoke for the kingdom. So they weren't just one person, they were the entire country, and spoke reflecting this ideal. Maybe I'm totally wrong here, but fact remains, it's the 'royal' we for a reason.
You overuse 'ist'. One quote, 'thou ist a stubborn mare.' is you saying 'you is a stubborn mare'. Try 'art'. 'Thou art a stubborn mare' makes more sense. While I'm at it, have another. 'Thou ist a strange one, where art we at, Pinkie Pie?'
Translated: 'You is a strange one, where are we at, Pinkie Pie?' Disregarding 'is' since I already yammered on about that, assuming the guy's intelligent, he wouldn't ask 'where are we at'.
Now I'm going to stress this, so far this is much better then your first attempt. I'm drawing my own conclusions as to why she stuck him in Ponyville, and I've got reasonable predictions as to where the plot would go. Not going to put them here since they might not be your plan, and I'm not the author here, and also if they are, might spoil things for the fanbase you might accumulate.
What you need to do is go through this and give it a good editing. I myself look over things I wrote and every now and again see something that's like 'oh my god was I asleep when I wrote this?' Before you post your next chapter, take some time to look over it a few more times before you toss it on here. Or get an editor. Either one of those.
You haven't earned my thumbs up yet, but nobody in the right mind would thumbs down you if you're just misinformed. Try looking for something to use as a reference for Silver Blade's speech, or something similar.
Peace out. I'll be back later to see if you've got another chapter up.
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I do suck at it dont i? well i have been trying to work on that, ive even been doing research and speaking like it every now and then. Kinda tough....
anywho! thank you very much for your consideration, your advice is very helpful in making my work better, i would shake your hand but a screen is in my way.
I was in fact half asleep when i typed this out, i had bags in my eyes but inspiration hit me (sort of) and also
Microsoft Word autocorrect sucks as much as my 'ye old english' ive tried adding to dictionary but it reforms my words all to often and i gave up on it. I do in fact re-read my work every now and then, spotting things that need corrections, i will correct my 'ye old engish' text, again, thank you, it makes this a whole lot easier
1832725
You actually hit the nail on the head with your original thoughts, bravo on your perception my good sir.
And i thought on pinkie for a long while, she is technically the life to everything and technically i hoped to get a few laughs in this story, I honestly hope i did not stretch pinkies....madness...too much, i like how her reactions went....i thought it would get a few laughs
yeah, i forgot about the intertwined portion with AJ and AB, deeply apologize, ill work on that
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In my experience, the best written Pinkies have logic that pretty much melts your brains, but then you tilt your head just a bit to the left and start seeing what she's getting at. And then she blows the whole thing out of the water by pulling something out of left field that legitimately doesn't make sense. If you get what I'm saying. Again, your PInkie isn't terrible, just don't use her for an 'omg i'm so random a bloo bloo bloo' when you feel like you want a laugh or two. You probably wouldn't, but my saying it 'out loud' like this makes it less likely you hit that particular pothole later on.
Also with the way you 'talk' to me, you're kind of giving me the corporate boss vibe. Like I put a bunch of red on your presentation, slapped it on your desk and told you to have something better post haste or I'd boot you out of the fandom somehow. Relax mang. The fact you're taking criticism seriously already puts you head and shoulders above a bunch of the other fanbrats who stick their heads in the sand and pretend they're writing something that the masses just don't 'get'. All that's left is to over time get yourself the skills to be sorta good and you'll possibly rise from there.
Implied handshakes right back at you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get back to my own fic...
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Okay i dont give anyone upper class stuff, your helping me out with good advice, ill make pinkie with a little more....controll...
i want to make my stuff something professional and im not going to get anywhere by just thinking 'oh this is good everyone will like it' i need professional help. and critics get people places, i know, im one of them. help is a wonderful thing to get, im going to take it as serious as i need to take it
thank you for all your help my good sir! and your story really falls together very well, i like it
1898262
You're welcome for all the help, and I'm glad you like my fic. I'm actually a good ways into the sequel, so keep an eye out for that.
Peace out.