SorikuXI
Joined 10th Sep, 2012 ·
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Kinky.
This might be the first story with anthro ponies that I like
so I'll watch this
...well..didn;t know my Second Life Pony Character had fans.
Hehe <3
Well, the grammar and spelling are mostly alright, with maybe a few exceptions. (Shouldn't "display or pride" be "display of pride"?)
The two dot ".." ellipses tend to bug me, but that's just a personal niggle.
If there's one thing I'd suggest you work on, it's your pacing. Everything feels a little rushed in this chapter.
As a clopfic author myself, I know how tempting it is to rush through the non-clop to get to the good stuff. But if you slow down and take more time over things, overall I think it'll make for a better story.
All in all, not bad for a first story.
I'll be following this, because the prospects of anthro-clop and an innocent character with a hidden sexual side intrigue me.
1764377
Thanks. Any grammatical errors weren't there on purpose cause I want the non-clop to be as slow as the clop itself since the story is more on their relationship than the actual clop itself but nevertheless I enjoy the criticism since this is my very first story.
1764413
Always glad to help budding new writers.
Also, I know it's possible you might have characters coming in later that warrant the "Other" tag, but just in case you accidentally used OC and Other because you have two OCs, allow me to point you in the right direction:
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/53195
and
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/64859
Interesting. I'll have to give this a watch.
Why is the good clop always anthro...
I have a bad feeling about this
will watch some more
1772210
;) I still find it good, though it's anthro.
1772297
Why do you have a bad feeling, you should be having a good feeling
Well, there's certainly some punctuation errors, but I think I'll leave those for someone else to correct. The only real thing I can find to improve upon besides the conventions is the descriptions of the characters. The reader should have a clear view of what they look like, and so far I'm not getting that.
Not much else to say this time,
-Gaul from iBrony
1772805
The cover photo are what the two look like that's why I didn't really describe what they looked like and I figured it had to be punctuation that was the problem. Always had a problem when it came to that.
1772210
Most of the good clop I've seen has actually been non-anthro.
"Of Maids and Mistresses" by Unahim comes to mind, although that's more of a story-with-clop-in-it than an actual clopfic.
Or "Path of Discord" by Lance Hardwood, if you're into darker stuff.
I'd recommend my own story too, but I feel like that'd be blowing my own horn a bit.
Alt. Tite: You Can Use It To Make Your (Dominatrix) Java
I like this so far, keep it up!