Chapter 1: The Beginning
Introduction: Timeline
The timeline is from 2017-2040 just to inform the reader what humanity as achieved.
2017
-April: Aerospace flight is achieved
2019
-September: Star fighters are made for space dogfights
2022
- February: Planet’s population reaches 11 billion due to advances of medicine
-May: the US has created the prototype cryo-chamber/ Members of the Separatist Up-rise come together from all over the world
-August: US starts the pulse weapon production/ The Separatist Up-rise begins to form an army
2024
-March: World War III begins/ Invasion of Great Britain begins by the Separatist
-May: the first aerospace dogfight takes place/ Battle of Paris begins
-July: Prototype drop-pods are made/ Los Angeles falls to the Separatist
-October: The Allies retake Los Angeles
November: Australia is taken by Separatist all of residents are rather killed buy genocide or have fled the country
2026
-January: the nuclear winter began killing millions
-March: Allies create new combat uniform (Titanium armor)
-May: first exoskeleton suit is made
-June: Official military drop-pods mass produced.
-July: first biofoam is seen in the battlefield
-August: US is invaded once again final location of the war
-September-December: Battle of the US
2030
-January: World War III ends with ally victory/ human casualties reaches 2.8 billion
March: Rebuilding of the planet’s countries begins
2031
-June: Nuclear winter ends
-August: The first Pulse Rifle is made
-October: The moon is colonized
-November: Lumas Sol system is discovered
-December: Rebuilding of the plant ends
2034
-January: Pulse weaponry is massed produced
-March: Mars is colonized
-April: Pure Titanium is discovered on Mars
-June: Bullet based weaponry is upgrade from lead to titanium bullets
-September: Down fall of Pulse weaponry discovered when a large electromagnetic wave hits the planet making bullet base weapons still more reliable.
2039
-July: NASA has asked the military for volunteers for secret mission
2040
-February: the slip-space drive is made
-June: secret space mission is initiated
Chapter 1: Into Beginning
The soldier was sitting the end of a bench in the locker room at the NASA base. That soldier is me. My name is Steven Clearwater I’m was born on 2005 I’m 27 due to achievement of the cryo I manage to stay young for now. My family was killed in the Nuclear Winter and I am a World War III veteran. I am a sergeant and now the US is sending me and about 1000 other soldiers into space beyond the Sol System. The only thing I know what to do is to kill. I think this is how soldiers felt in the in all of the previous wars. The captain of the ship called.
“Sergeant Steven. It’s time to leave.”
“Ok sir.”
“How are you taking it?”
“I’ve been in cryo for ten years. My family is gone and no matter what I do I see the rifle.”
“It’s hard I know but you have to learn to love little things.”
“Let’s just hope that where we’re going actually helps me.”
“I’m sure of it.”
“So who’s going to on this mission?”
“Well the Arch Angle is the second largest spaceship on Earth…so we have scientists, the crew, and about 1000 troops excluding you.”
“I know about the troops I just wanted to know who else was aboard.”
“That’s all oh and besides me you are the only World War III veteran on the ship. And during your sleep you’ve been promoted to Gunnery-Sergeant.”
“So basically I’m alone like always.”
“Just keep your hopes up ok soldier. You’ll feel better when the time comes ok.”
“Yes sir.” We walked out the locker rooms to board the ship. As I entered the captain pointed me my room. He also informed me that I have to revise my gear that is in the locker room of the soldiers. The ship began to shack meaning that were have just left the ground. I walked in only to find a bunch of what seem to be rookies…well to me of course. I walked in to look for my locker.
2647
That was the number of my locker o opened it and I checked my combat uniform and then the armor. It seemed to be fresh out of the factory. I placed my backpack on the floor and then I took out a necklace. This necklace had the dog tags of my fellow teammates of the war. A group of rookies walked up to me as I was digging in my pack one of them slammed the locker door. And he said.
“Well look who we have here. I’ve never seen you before not even in training before we boarded the ship. So I’m assuming you’re new and to lay the rules I’m in charge of this room and this locker now belongs to me.” I stood up.
“You think you’re a big shot.”
“Whoa look whose acting tough.”
“You better watch that mouth of yours Private.”
“Or what?!”
“Trust me you’ll regret it.” He looked at me then he turned to his friend and he turned to punch me. But I move sideways and I uppercut his ribcage and then I struck him across his face. He was down. He said to his friends.
“Don’t just stand their… get him!” they looked at me. As the moved forward I pulled out my pistol. They stopped. I said to the one on the ground.
“You state your name and rank.”
“Private…Michael Roosevelt.”
“Well Private. I see you don’t know who you’re up against.” From the crowd a female voice.
“I do.” She walked out. “You’re Sergeant Steven Clearwater from Thunderbird Squad. You’re a World War III hero.” Another said.
“Officer in the room!” they all saluted me.
“Looks like someone in this room dose know who I am. I am Gunnery-Sergeant Steven Clearwater. And from the looks of this room out of all of the 1000 I’m the highest rank. There’s no room for big shot in the military Do I make myself clear!” they all said at the same time.
“SIR YES SIR!”
“Good. Get something to eat because in two hours were hitting the cryo.” Ten minutes later I was eating alone at a table. I looked around only to have memories of the time I spent with my squad. Then the same female trooper sat down at my table. I said. “State your business Private.”
“Nothing much sir.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Well first of all I’m not a Private. I’m a Lance Corporal.”
“My apologies Corporal.”
“It’s ok.”
“How are the only one that you know who I am.”
“Well I’m Samantha Stephens sister of…Mark Stephens.” I looked up at her.
“So you’re the famous Samantha that your brother has told me about.”
“Yes he was part of the Thunderbird Squad.”
“He’s good man. Sadly we’re the last two remand squad members.”
“I know. He told me that even though you weren’t the squad leader…”
“He always saw me as a leader.”
“Yes.”
“Well…” I looked down. “Even when I wasn’t with my squad other soldiers have told me the same.”
“I see… do you still remember?”
“Remember?”
“The war.” I looked away.
“Yes…I do.” Then I looked back at her. “War changes lives Samantha. The war changed me completely.”
“I know when my brother returned home he changed. If it weren’t form me he would have…”
“Killed himself…yeah he told me. Thanks to you he has a family…he’s now a father of two.”
“I know.” I looked at the wall clock.
“Finish eating Corporal. You have thirty minutes.”
“Yes sir.” I got up and I walked out of the mess hall. I looked for the bridge I walked around the ship then I found a wall that had a World War III memorial. I looked at it for a long while then the captain called me from across the hall.
“Sergeant.” I turned around.
“Yes sir.”
“Are you lost?”
“Yeah I was looking for the bridge.”
“Ok well that has to wait I want you to report to the sick bay.”
“For?”
“The doctor wants to see if you’re suitable for space.”
“Sir I fought in a dogfight in space I’m sure that well for space.”
“I know but the doctor wants to meet you.”
“Fine.”
“Down the hall that way.” I walked down the hall until I found the bay. I walked in.
“Ca…Catherine.” She said.
“That Dr. Catherine to you Steven.” And then she giggled and she walked up to me and she hugged me. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Same here. I haven’t seen you since…”
“Basic training.”
“Yeah.”
“I hear that you’ve been promoted.”
“Yes to Gunnery-Sergeant.”
“Congratulation.”
“Thank you. Um…the captain said that you wanted to see me.”
“Yes well I only wanted to see you.”
“So you’re wasting my time.”
“You can say that.”
“You’re still the same.”
“Not entirely.”
“Well it’s good to see you Cat.”
“Yes it is. And Steven.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s Dr. Catherine.”
“Whatever. Where’s the bridge.”
“Down this hallway.”
“Thank you.” I walked out of the room. Now I felt a little better knowing that I know someone from the war. I walked inside the bridge and I called out for the captain.
“Over here Sergeant.” I walked up to him.
“So what exactly are we going to do in the Lumas System?”
“Were just testing the SS drive and explore an Earth like planet.”
“I see.”
“Yes before we the rest of the ship explores the planet we are sending you down first.”
“Let me guess on a lone wolf mission.”
“Yes.”
“Figures.” One of the crew members said.
“Sir we have a problem.”
“What is it?”
“We are approaching and asteroid field.”
“Try to avoid impact!”
“On it.” The captain used the intercom.
“All personnel. Military and nonmilitary. I need every soul to place themselves into cryo at once.” I heard people from the outside running to the cryo. The captain said to me. “Sergeant I say you should do the same thing.”
“Not until I know we are clear.” The ship shock. The captain shouted.
“What was that?!”
“That was our Pulse Cannon sir.”
“Use the cannon only for large ones.”
“Yes sir that was actually what we were doing.” Ship shook again. “Sir we’ve been hit.”
“What’s the damage?”
“I don’t see much damage done on the ship sir.”
“Are you sure.”
“No.” the ship left the field.
“Well the SS drive is about to go off. We only have forty minutes. I need every crew member in here in the cryo at once.” The captain set the ship in autopilot he waited until every crewmate left the room. The captain told me to stay. As the ship was dead silent we walked to the third room which was half-empty. “Sergeant your cryo-tube will be set to walk you up sixty days before anyone else.”
“Ok.”
“Once we arrive at the Lumas System you will take the Drop-pod and drop into the planet.”
“Yes sir.”
“You have seventy day to explore the plant do I make myself clear.”
“Crystal.”
“And I want you to eat something first because I saw the cameras and you barely ate anything.
“Yes sir.” the captain placed himself into Cryo I walked to my locker as I prepared my equipment. Inside I prepared my battle uniform with armor. He grabbed from the armory a P-17 Pulse Rifle, M-16, M-24 sniper rifle with both pulse and bullet ammunition, Desert Eagle pistol, and four grenades. And for his backpack was ammo, first-aid, and food. Then I went back to the mess hall the captain was right I barely ate anything. This time I had to make my food myself. I grabbed a tray of frozen food. And I sat down and I ate fast due to the lack of time before the SS drive goes off. Afterword I set the timer of the tube and I placed my equipment in the locker next to it. Then I walked in the tube and I closed the door even though u still had about a minute before I was frozen. I thought to myself.
“I wonder if the planet will have life and if there is life will they be friendly or hostels.” After that thought I closed my eyes as I felt the cool atmosphere to the Cryo-tube.
One week later 11:32 P.M
I woke up a week later I stepped out of the tube I looked around and I saw that the crew still had 71 days left before the ship lands on the planet I walked out of the Cryo-chamber and I walked towards the bridge. I looked at the computer I was shocked about what I saw.
“What the hell this isn’t the Lumas system. I still wonder if I should explore the planet.” I thought for a moment the captain did ordered me to explore the planet so I think I should. I walked to the locker room and I grabbed my gear. I grabbed my weapons and I walked to the drop-pod.
Ten minutes prior to drop
I walked to the drop-pod room and I entered the pod I set the timer for thirty seconds and I waited.
The drop
I looked out through the window as I saw the flames form around the planet meaning that I just entered the atmosphere. I landed in the middle of a forest I pulled the door eject lever and I looked around then I looked at my HUD from my helmet. (Armor is related to the armor of the soldiers in Halo: Reach) I stepped out I raised my M-16 making sure that my entry has not attracted any creatures to my position. I placed my sniper and my pulse rifle on my back and then I grabbed my backpack then I heard a female voice.
“What are you?” I turned around while I aimed my rifle I saw a lavender horned horse but the thing was that it stood on its hind legs and then it fell it began to cry. “Please don’t hurt me!”
“What the hel…” she startled me and I fell backwards then I got up and I said. “Wh…what… did you just talk.” She stopped crying and she said.
“Wh…why yes. Haven’t you ever since a talking Unicorn before.”
“N…no you don’t even exist on Earth.”
“Wha…what.”
“Ok stop this isn’t helping me why…don’t we start by introducing ourselves.”
“Ok well…my name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m the librarian of Ponyville and I am the Element of Magic.”
“Magic?”
“Yes.”
“Sorry to say this Miss Sparkle…” she cut me off.
“Just call me Twilight.”
“Ok…Twilight…magic doesn’t exist on my world either.”
“Oh I see…” she looked down and then up. “You know who I am. I would like to know who and what are you.
“Well I’m Gunnery-Sergeant Steven Clearwater of the United States Marine Corps and part of the Earth Colonial Peace Corps Military. And I’m a human.”
“A human…I’m sorry but… I never seen or heard of a human before.”
“So it looks like we’re on the same boat.” She giggled and she said.
“Yeah. I have another question what are those things that you have?”
“Well like I said and well I’m a soldier and a veteran of World War III…”
“Wait did you…said World War III?”
“Yeah.”
“How often…”
“If you’re going to ask how often we have wars…well we humans have a bad history of violence and war.”
“Oh well Equestria has just been threaten by war.”
“By who.”
“The Griffin Kingdom.”
“Griffins as in half bird half lion.”
“Yes. But with someone that has seen war there must be a way to avoid war.”
“Look I fought in war but give me the details and I think I can help you with your country’s problems.”
“Perfect with a metallic human we can…”
“Whoa I’m not metallic.”
“Then what’s that all over body.”
“Body Armor and my helmet.”
“Why do you have a helmet with glass?”
“Well this helmet protects my face and it supplies me with oxygen.”
“Well if this helps you we breathe oxygen as well.”
“Well that helps.” I took off my helmet.
“Oh you have skin.”
“Yes.”
“Well I think the princess will love to hear about this.”
“Princess?”
“I’ll explain to you on the way back to the library.”
“Fine.” Now my mission begins
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iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/7cBGJ.gif?1351799450
Love it
I think my brain is leaking out of my ears just after reading the timeline. This is clearly the top knock work of a 14-year old who played Halo and took a few random notion without thinking it through. Besides the ridiculous FTL in 30 years, we have the "Separatists". What exactly were they trying to separate from? From what I read they appear out of thin air, conquer a bunch of stuff and get destroyed. We add to this the "veteran soldier" in Equestria syndrome which along the snarky teenager make the majority of HIE stories. Unless it's a veteran teenage soldier in which case the emo reaches critical levels . I recommend you stop writing right now before you continue to embarrass yourself and try again in 4 years.
This has potential, but it needs to be edited in a few places, and fix the title. I'll track this and see if it turns out any good.
1616125
It won't. Even the title is misspelled.
I'll just stand here with my train whistle at hand and see how this turns out.
Why would they commit genocide on Humans? Couldn't they like bring us to our knees and show mercy to the last refuge of Humanity, and allow them to repopulate all the awhile teaching them the true meaning of love and friendship in order to make Humans a more peaceful race?
Or did Humans invade or something, then it wouldn't be genocide.
I think I'll start reading this at some point, but regardless I wanted to rant a little.
Pulse weapons, do you mean like Metal Storm, uses an electrical charge ?
This fanfic needs an editor like a baby needs his mom's tit
1615757 Um, dude, you're starting to concern me a bit
..........................
on second thought, let's be psychopaths together
1616513 Let's go mad together!
This story in a nutshell
Shit happens
To space
You there random veteran go to this unknown, uncharted planet alone because fuck logic and fuck you
"oh my gawd, a magical talking pony"
"oh my celestia a non-magical talking monkey thing, with weapons, I know I'll take him to the princesses"
To canterlot
Shit happens with possible explosions
Pissy princesses
Suddenly every ones happy
[insert Shitty storyline goes here]
happy ending with many things unexplained, main character stays for no real reason
Dissapointed readers everywhere
This story in a nutshell
Shit happens
To space
You there random veteran go to this unknown, uncharted planet alone because fuck logic and fuck you
"oh my gawd, a magical talking pony"
"oh my celestia a non-magical talking monkey thing, with weapons, I know I'll take him to the princesses"
To canterlot
Shit happens with possible explosions
Pissy princesses
Suddenly every ones happy
[insert Shitty storyline here]
happy ending with many things unexplained, main character stays for no real reason
Dissapointed readers everywhere
Fucking editing posting it twice
I probably put more thought into my last post then the author did in this entire story
i just got back from school and this was unexpected. i already have 16 comment and i see that you are asking for an editor. and i do need an editor. i need editor please and thank you.
well... few things.
twilight took the alien thing way too well, and it seems like that part was rushed bigtime.
the fact that she didn't over react at all dosn't really go well with her personality (seriously this is twilight where talking about).
and lastly, she just met a unknown species of unknown origin with unknown weapons and unknown intentions/purpose for being on the planet and automatically asks him for help on a highly political matter.
... and he accepts without even asking his superior officers/the captain
good idea but please... please! think stuff out and try not to rush through the plot
I like the tone of this story all the way to the point of reaching Equestria. After that, the tone was somehow different, It was lighter, less serious. I haven't played Halo, so I don't really know how much of this was copied, and how much is original. It could also use a little bit of editing, there are consistently words spelled incorrectly. The speech flow could be improved upon, but other than the inconsistencies and misspelled word, I really did enjoy the beginning, but the end part was different enough for me to not enjoy it as much.
Also, try to keep characters "in-character". Make Twilight Sparkle just like the one from the show, just a tip. I just admire stories better that way.
This story seems to be very interesting, and I hope you can write more soon, but you might want to correct a few grammar errors... I had to read twice some sentences so that ai could understand them, but, in overall I hope you keep up the good work
It looks good, and it definately has potential, but find an editor. And rewrite that scene with Twiligjt meeting Clearwater, it's to hollow. A giant metal beast just fell out of the sky, Twilight would be frightened.
FIX THE RANKS AND HOW THEY USE THEM IN CONTEXT!!!
seems way to fast
u should have put in an extra line saying:
2019
-july: people have found a way to jump throuh space but cant from lack of technoligy
lol he sounds like an advanced ODST tropper
1616000 A slip space drive essentially tears a hole into another dimension goes into the dimension and rips a hole back into our dimension
how soldiers felt in the in all of the previous wars. How soldiers felt in all of the previous wars.
You have to buy genocide? Is it expensive?
Beautifull! but it needs a prereader. still excellent though! cant wait until i read next chapters XD
Not bad not bad timeline is a tad on the unrealistic side but meh its your story.
Wow, good plan horrible execution. Learn to spell and use grammar. It hurt my head trying to read this. Also, why does Twilight not give a flying fuck about meeting an entirely new and interesting species.specie?
Those mechanical errors literally made me cringe, and I am not exaggerating whatsoever. Interesting idea, but VERY poorly written.
She giggled and she said. Dont really have to add that last bit dude just say she giggled
In short, and please take this as an opportunity to correct your mistakes, but this story is horse shit
. The storyline and plot are good and all, but the structure you put it in sucks. I believe if you look over this chapter, and likely the other chapters as well, you will find many, many mistakes.
This chapter needs a complete overhaul. If you have Microsoft Word, use it. The editing software is top notch and will highlight any mistakes you made. I'm serious. Within the first sentence of the actual story, there is a word missing.
In reality, if you actually take the useless shit out, all that's left is 900-1000 words, 1500 max. That is not impressive for an avid reader like me
. The amount you wrote here is fine, but the quality is absolute dog shit. Quantity over quality may work for small crack fics, but an actual story needs to have a solid understanding of the basic rules of this language. Most people will not read a story if they cringe at the grammar every second sentence
.
Well my first thought is that its not as bad as the previous story of your i read. But honestly the grammar and Pacing are much better. But it still suffers from the fact that its just not that good. I like that you did a timeline. But they way you had it is bad.
You have the worlds population increase over 4 billion in just 5 years. That is impossible to believe. Then you have FTL or slip space be created in just 30 years. While yes this is a story about talking ponies and other crap. You need to hold a certain sense of believability and this story has none in it.
And like i said pacing is better but it is still bad. Its all over the place. Then there's also a lot of small things such as you give no explanation for anything. 1616000 Saids it better then what i would be able too.
For example one of my favorite stories on the site. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/110997/first-contact. Then go about learning how its structured.
. It gives us a glimpse of our characters.
. Then a reasonable timeline. While also making it interesting.
. Characters touch down.
.Characters are engaged by the enemy
. Twilight and others go to forest to check out the strange object. After being notified or finding out through some other means
. They stumble upon battle. But not the other party that was involved.
. They find the other party. And first contact happens with the rest of the main characters
. The girls our reserved about them and their intentions.
They spend the night as the girls houses. Some have the polar opposite personalities. Such as Pinkie and her guest. He is reserved while Pinkie wants to have fun and he doesn't. Witch turns into comedy for the reader
.They meet the princesses
.Then the main plot of the story is revealed
I'm not saying copy that structure. But try to learn from it. This story could be really fun. But it lacks in many regards
.
Really need to fix the grammar, this story would be high popular otherwise.